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Intensely struggling/ stuck --triggers possibly


lp44

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I don't even know where to turn. Where to say, "hey I'm scared and I'm very suicidal."

I feel like I've honestly tried to make it all work...in and with therapy.

I feel like not everyone gets better.

I just don't even have a desire to keep trying and I don't really know what to do with that.

So very down and I just want it to stop. I've convinced myself everyone could make it ok.

Last 24 hours have been rough and I'm not even sure what the trigger is.

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Please don't do anything foolish.

Whatever turmoil you are going through will pass for sure.

Depression always tries to drag us underground into a natural dark cave. It's your cave and you are in charge of it. Don't let the metaphorical depression/cave be your master.

I will say it over and over, there is always a way out. 

Don't despair. You have been here for us now we can be here for you.

Think of this forum as your life preserver. We won't let you down or drown.

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20 minutes ago, Oscar K said:

Please don't do anything foolish.

Whatever turmoil you are going through will pass for sure.

Depression always tries to drag us underground into a natural dark cave. It's your cave and you are in charge of it. Don't let the metaphorical depression/cave be your master.

I will say it over and over, there is always a way out. 

Don't despair. You have been here for us now we can be here for you.

Think of this forum as your life preserver. We won't let you down or drown.

Thank you so very much for your words.  I appreciate your kindness.

I guess I'm just desperate to find a way to want to live. I mean ultimately I have to decide.

I don't want to just keep finding myself in this place. 

I just really want it to stop.

It just needs to stop. All the intrusive thoughts that have come bubbling up as a result of therapy. I want the dreams to stop.

I want to stop feeling as if my only worth or purpose is based on what I can accomplish, or how I can help heal other people. 

If I am not "doing" I get in trouble thought wise. Being still is when it gets me. 

I mean I'm trying. I've done the right things....

Rambling now... Sorry

Thank you though...

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Don't worry about rambling. If that helps then ramble away.

If intrusive thoughts are bubbling up then perhaps the bubbling thoughts could be burst and sent back down to some deep almost inaccessible pits.

We can do some pretty clever tricks to our psyches when we really need to.

I'm always on the lookout for metaphorical tools to deal with depression.

Yes it's a challenge to try out brand new metaphorical tools but who doesn't like a challenge now and then?

I'm here if you need some one in your corner.

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11 hours ago, Oscar K said:

Don't worry about rambling. If that helps then ramble away.

If intrusive thoughts are bubbling up then perhaps the bubbling thoughts could be burst and sent back down to some deep almost inaccessible pits.

We can do some pretty clever tricks to our psyches when we really need to.

I'm always on the lookout for metaphorical tools to deal with depression.

Yes it's a challenge to try out brand new metaphorical tools but who doesn't like a challenge now and then?

I'm here if you need some one in your corner.

Thank you. 

Hopefully soon I can find a will to want to put the option of suicide on the shelf. 

I'm trying some new things so I guess we shall see.

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@lp44

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles.

I know sometimes that hope is the easiest thing to offer a friend or fellow sufferer, and yet the hardest thing to find for ourselves. But it's there. I believe it's a flame that can't be lost, even if we can't feel it at the time. Trust me, you're not lost in the darkness. You're not alone. We're here, we've got you.

Please, please take some time today to care for yourself. Even if it's only a little bit of time. Tell yourself some nice things. Treat yourself gently and kindly. Try to remember that days end, whether they are good ones or bad. There's always a chance that tomorrow will be brighter.

Wishing you all the comfort you deserve, 

x- SS 

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I will say it again and again there is always a way out of the metaphorical darkness.

We need each other when we find ourselves lost in the darkness.

Sometimes just a small smile can lighten the darkness and reveal a pathway out.

Let's all find some powerful wisdom to share with each other.

Life is so, so precious. Never give in to the darkness.

 

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4 hours ago, SugaredSloth said:

@lp44

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles.

I know sometimes that hope is the easiest thing to offer a friend or fellow sufferer, and yet the hardest thing to find for ourselves. But it's there. I believe it's a flame that can't be lost, even if we can't feel it at the time. Trust me, you're not lost in the darkness. You're not alone. We're here, we've got you.

Please, please take some time today to care for yourself. Even if it's only a little bit of time. Tell yourself some nice things. Treat yourself gently and kindly. Try to remember that days end, whether they are good ones or bad. There's always a chance that tomorrow will be brighter.

Wishing you all the comfort you deserve, 

x- SS 

Thank you for your kind words. 

Feel pretty hopeless in said darkness right now.

Listening to music and working.... A little alone time too. Hopefully that will help.

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3 hours ago, Oscar K said:

I will say it again and again there is always a way out of the metaphorical darkness.

We need each other when we find ourselves lost in the darkness.

Sometimes just a small smile can lighten the darkness and reveal a pathway out.

Let's all find some powerful wisdom to share with each other.

Life is so, so precious. Never give in to the darkness.

 

Thank you :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

lp44:  I haven't seen you on the forums for awhile.  Actually I have been worried about you.

You helped me one time, giving guidance in how to find a great therapist.  And now I have the best therapist ever many thanks to you.  You helped me in ways that no one ever could.  You have a gift of giving comfort to others.  Now we need to give that to you.

God knows, reading your post is like a mirror of how I am feeling.  But somehow, someway, I keep going on even to my therapist's surprise.  Nothing is impossible if we really try.  Let's try together to make tomorrow a better day and sweep all the yesterdays under the rug.  

I get what you are saying, and want to let you know as have others I am here for you.

Please hang in there.  And try to get your mind off things if possible maybe, by watching a fun movie, listening to music.  You might even want to join us on the Creativity When Depressed thread and write your feelings down in a creative way.  If you haven't read any of the entries you should.  I think you may feel more validated if you do. I think I speak for all those that contribute we would love to hear about what is troubling you, and try to help how we can.  Have hope!  Remember we are here for you and we get it, so you are not alone.  

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Yes, please check in and tell us how you are doing.

We will help you as best we can.

This forum has helped me and so many others. No-one is beyond help no matter how deep and lost you may find yourself.

With many hugs, Oscar.

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On 6/13/2016 at 8:13 PM, lp44 said:
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I don't even know where to turn. Where to say, "hey I'm scared and I'm very suicidal."

I feel like I've honestly tried to make it all work...in and with therapy.

I feel like not everyone gets better.

I just don't even have a desire to keep trying and I don't really know what to do with that.

So very down and I just want it to stop. I've convinced myself everyone could make it ok.

Last 24 hours have been rough and I'm not even sure what the trigger is.

Everyone gets better. It's all a matter of how we handle it. For you, if you believe that everyone can make it, then so can you.

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On 7/2/2016 at 10:31 PM, highanxiety said:

lp44:  I haven't seen you on the forums for awhile.  Actually I have been worried about you.

You helped me one time, giving guidance in how to find a great therapist.  And now I have the best therapist ever many thanks to you.  You helped me in ways that no one ever could.  You have a gift of giving comfort to others.  Now we need to give that to you.

God knows, reading your post is like a mirror of how I am feeling.  But somehow, someway, I keep going on even to my therapist's surprise.  Nothing is impossible if we really try.  Let's try together to make tomorrow a better day and sweep all the yesterdays under the rug.  

I get what you are saying, and want to let you know as have others I am here for you.

Please hang in there.  And try to get your mind off things if possible maybe, by watching a fun movie, listening to music.  You might even want to join us on the Creativity When Depressed thread and write your feelings down in a creative way.  If you haven't read any of the entries you should.  I think you may feel more validated if you do. I think I speak for all those that contribute we would love to hear about what is troubling you, and try to help how we can.  Have hope!  Remember we are here for you and we get it, so you are not alone.  

Wow I don't even know what to say. I mean seriously. I'm just now reading this. I've been rather "off the grid" so to speak. I read your post more than once.  Thank you for your kind words. 

I've had things to distract me of late. I have good days. I have very dark days too. I'm pretty disconnected from everyone right now. I feel like I've done everything within my power to heal from some things. I'm just not at all sure it's going to work. It's super hard to see a reason to keep going through all this.

But I'm here. 

I'm so happy that you have a good therapist. That can make all the difference. 

I hope you continue to move forward and find good things. :)

Again, thank you for your kind words. They meant a lot.

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On 7/10/2016 at 0:25 AM, lp44 said:

Wow I don't even know what to say. I mean seriously. I'm just now reading this. I've been rather "off the grid" so to speak. I read your post more than once.  Thank you for your kind words. 

I've had things to distract me of late. I have good days. I have very dark days too. I'm pretty disconnected from everyone right now. I feel like I've done everything within my power to heal from some things. I'm just not at all sure it's going to work. It's super hard to see a reason to keep going through all this.

But I'm here. 

I'm so happy that you have a good therapist. That can make all the difference. 

I hope you continue to move forward and find good things. :)

Again, thank you for your kind words. They meant a lot.

lp44: I'm glad you read my response.  I understand your pain, hopelessness, all of the things characteristic of depression.  Coincidentally, we are kind of going through the same thing.  

You gave me a gift, one bigger than you know, the most wonderful therapist ever, and we have made more progress than all others combined.  I too have been on the brink of giving up.  It is hard to have hope and happiness when you can't feel things.  They seem unreachable.  My therapist really understands, and can even understand that point of considering drawing that potential line in the sand and say I've had enough.

Please IM me or keep posting.  I told my therapist today this forum has really saved my life. And he is so excited I have found it.  We are here for you as I know you are for me.  Just know you are not alone, I get it.  You mentioned you felt there is possibly a trigger that might be the culprit.  If that is the case it is worth investigating.  My mom was in major depression for six years until a Psychiatrist helped her find the trigger.  After that she was able to go forward.

Whatever the case, just know you are among people who understand and get what you are going through.   Things are really bad for me emotionally and I'm only holding on by a thread, but the forum and my therapist are getting me through.  You are cared for and have many gifts you have bestowed on people.  

Please let us know, everything, even bad, so maybe we can work through this together.

Otherwise my prayers are with you always!  My hope is we all find hope and happiness again.

Best regards,

High Anxiety

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On 7/14/2016 at 9:34 PM, highanxiety said:

lp44: I'm glad you read my response.  I understand your pain, hopelessness, all of the things characteristic of depression.  Coincidentally, we are kind of going through the same thing.  

You gave me a gift, one bigger than you know, the most wonderful therapist ever, and we have made more progress than all others combined.  I too have been on the brink of giving up.  It is hard to have hope and happiness when you can't feel things.  They seem unreachable.  My therapist really understands, and can even understand that point of considering drawing that potential line in the sand and say I've had enough.

Please IM me or keep posting.  I told my therapist today this forum has really saved my life. And he is so excited I have found it.  We are here for you as I know you are for me.  Just know you are not alone, I get it.  You mentioned you felt there is possibly a trigger that might be the culprit.  If that is the case it is worth investigating.  My mom was in major depression for six years until a Psychiatrist helped her find the trigger.  After that she was able to go forward.

Whatever the case, just know you are among people who understand and get what you are going through.   Things are really bad for me emotionally and I'm only holding on by a thread, but the forum and my therapist are getting me through.  You are cared for and have many gifts you have bestowed on people.  

Please let us know, everything, even bad, so maybe we can work through this together.

Otherwise my prayers are with you always!  My hope is we all find hope and happiness again.

Best regards,

High Anxiety

Thank you High Anxiety,

A good therapist can so make all the difference.  Im glad that yours is great!  So glad to read of your progress too.  Im glad when anyone can find some victory over all this stuff.  Few people really get it.

Im sorry you are hanging on by a thread.  Boy do I get it.  I hope you see better times soon.  For now I'm glad this forum and your therapist keep you at a place of "taking that next step" even when all you can  see is the step right in front of your feet.  

Yes it is almost impossible to find "hope and happiness when you can't feel things."  They do seem unreachable indeed.  

Im still here and all...its just hard (as it is for so many...I mean I'm just one person)  Im not just trying to recover from depression.  I have other significant reasons for being in therapy.  Its just all so much at one time.  Right now it just seems like I should have kept pretending there was nothing wrong with me.

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Hi LP.

Painful tendonitis in both hands makes it impossible for me to type for very long as each keystroke is a stinging pain.  But I want to say how sorry I am that you are suffering.  You deserve so much more and so much better and I'm hoping and praying things get better for you! ! ! !   epictetus

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21 hours ago, Epictetus said:

Hi LP.

Painful tendonitis in both hands makes it impossible for me to type for very long as each keystroke is a stinging pain.  But I want to say how sorry I am that you are suffering.  You deserve so much more and so much better and I'm hoping and praying things get better for you! ! ! !   epictetus

Hi Epictetus! :)

First I'm so sorry that you have such problems with tendonitis. I remember correctly you have had problems with that for some time now. It's so hard to navigate chronic pain like that.

Thank you for your kind words. So many here struggle. It's really hard to find the purpose behind so many people having a hard time.  I'm seeing my therapist shortly. It's been a few weeks. I don't see the point but I'm going anyway. She has endlessly supported me and has walked where I am.... So I'll relinquish my decision to keep trying to her. 

Thank you again. I appreciate it.

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