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Shacke

Getting better... is it really what I want?

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I've been suffering from this for almost 2 years now. Whole time I was hoping I would get better. I had only one therapist, and she had no idea what's going on... Partially, it's my fault, since I was never really comfortable talking to her. Anyway, most of the time, I was just hoping it would get better. And sometimes it would... sometimes I only got worse. I even had one 3 month period without any episodes..

But, now I'm not entirely sure I want to get better to be honest. There is some strange comfort in depression... I don't really know how to describe it. It's strange, how can being miserable, hating yourself, wanting to die and whatnot be comforting? But it is... I believe I'm not the only one who's experiencing this. What do you think is actually going on here?

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I get that. For me when I feel like that it's because I'm usually anxious that I know being "well" may not last, there are lots of unknowns, and I hate unknowns. I fear a lot of things, and at least when I'm depressed I know what I'm dealing with (kind of, if that makes sense). 

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49 minutes ago, no good relationship said:

It almost sounds like you have control of when you want to be depressed. Do you get more attention when your depressed. What are your physical symptoms? I have no control. They say think positive. How?

NOGOODRELATIONSHIP

No, I don't have control... And I don't have anyone to give me attention. I don't have anyone who knows. I'm not sure I have any physical symptoms

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Shacke, I could not agree more. I feel like "recovering" from my "disease" is betraying who I am. I don't want to boisterously approach people. I want to be alone. I've suffered for at least 5 years, almost certainly much more, and I feel like this is who I am, regardless of whether I like it. Sine I'm 21, that's one quarter to one half of my life I have had depression. Doing something against depression seems inherently wrong. Something I would never even imagine doing, like beating a cat. Something morally reprehensible.

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Perfectly natural for depression to be comforting. The problem is "natural" is not a synonym for healthy.

For me the metaphorical nature of depression is a natural/formation/resource.

The trick and it is not a simple, easy trick is to make as much use of the depression/cave as possible.

Metaphors or as I like to call them MEDaphors require intense work. Either I put my depression/cave to good use or I'm LOST.

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To a certain degree I can relate. Depression did feel comforting for me as well at a certain point in time. But I also realized why that is. Maybe the reason is not the same for you.

For me it was because I had gotten used to it and coming out of depression would mean change. Change is something we inherently tend to dislike (especially big changes). But once you become accepting of such change, things become much easier mentally and are able to find comfort in that change. Find excitement in it seeing the challenges before you for you to overcome and conquer.

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I feel like there's an eternal distance between me and everyone. I can be with arm's reach, yet a lightyear away. I never understand why people do things; they just seem to randomly act. Sometimes they respond to my emails, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they shout and cry, sometimes they are quiet. Part of me doesn't want to be like them. I don't want to be strange and unpredictable. All the people who know me (which is basically no one) can attest to my consistency. At least depression makes me always feel the same things. I'm in pain now, I'll be in pain in four hours, and tomorrow I'll be in pain. You're right about being scared of change.

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I tend to think about depression the same way I think about social anxiety. An easy way to deal with social anxiety is just avoid social situations, right? But if you want to effectively dispose of anxiety, you need to face it head on. Yeah, it fundamentally goes against the nature of an anxious person, but that is the solution, even though it's a difficult one. In hindsight, I can see that the same goes for depression.  

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I agree, but the problem is that I don't know if I want to "deal with" depression. Part of me sees this as my happy place, despite me being unhappy.

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When depression and anxiety are all someone has known on some level or another for most of their lives...they learn to live, albeit at a decreased existence, within that..like a prisoner making the best of their situation of living behind bars. We have adapted and most of us have learned what we can/can't deal with, etc. Normal is as foreign a concept to those of us with true mental health issues as depression in it's truest definition is to those who have never experienced more than a "down" day or two here or there.

Normal people take for granted going to work, the store or traveling for business..someone like me who has depression but is plagued by anxiety 24/7 to some degree, having to go to the store can be a huge deal..I recently started a new job..I made sure to ask during the interview if there was ANY travel involved..no I was told..whew..so I bucked up and started..my first day I find out that there is travel involved - within the state..it never occurred to me to get that specific when asking about travel in the interview - and in a few weeks the expectation is on a day the business is closed for employees to travel to a central location - which for me is about 60 miles and big city - for a meeting that will also include groups giving skits and cheers - not only do I think this is  stupid for adults to do, it is also something that once again normal people take for granted..for me..having to drive to a large city then participate is skits/cheers with people I don't know - is actually making me rethink the job. This is not something I can just "deal with for the day" as it is more than just not liking it or being inconvenienced on a day off - it literally makes me feel ill. So, yes, I can understand not wanting to get well because it takes not only a lot of effort but also removes the safety of the chains that bind.

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Well, I'm not really afraid of change... I like changes

I'm pretty unpredictable, and I have good times too. Every day in my life is cycle of feeling great, and wanting to die, and everything in between... And just exploding for even the smallest things... so it's not like I know what it is like... I experience happiness too, but I still feel comfortable when I'm down

I'm not really worried about effort I need to put in... now that I think about it a bit, I think I just don't want to change the way I see the world. I don't want to become as selfish as other people are... I don't want to see someone who suffers from depression and laugh in their face for it. I know it doesn't make sense, but "normal" people are monsters. Not all of them, but many, and I don't want to be like them. I guess that's the part of the problem too

Edited by Shacke

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"Normal" people have lots of despicable behavior I don't want to emulate. Because I don't know how I would change if I weren't depressed, I fear that I will become what I hate. This is part of why I want my closest friends (whenever I finally find some) to also have depression or at least understand it. I really don't want to be intimate with a "normal" person who cannot fathom my perspective, just as "normal" people don't want to be around me.

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I feel the same way. I want to feel better but at the same time it is just so much easier to stay depressed. I find that I'm not as anxious about things when I just don't care. I don't even bother socializing or doing things when depressed and I find that easy. Now that my AD is starting to work, I'm both glad that it is and scared by it too. Now I will need to continue trying to get better by actually talking to people and well doing stuff by leaving my home. Depression for me is an easy excuse to just hide at home and ignore people. Much more terrifying to have to try new things albeit it is necessary I guess.

On another note, I used to think I was above depression. I would always silently judge those that said they were depressed, thinking it wasn't real. I was one of those who thought people took antidepressants because their cat died and they just didn't want to handle the grief. I made fun of them for it, not aloud or to their faces though. Now I wouldn't wish it on anyone and really hate myself for ever thinking those things.

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My take on that, is that you are in your comfort zone, and the process of getting better probably seems like it's more trouble than it's worth. To step outside of your comfort zone to push yourself to be better, doesn't feel good because of the fact that your have to step outside of your comfort zone. So yes, you are probably comfortable as is, but getting better is worth it in the end. You start feeling positive emotion you forgot how to feel, sometimes that you even forgot existed, etc. Often getting better happens when you least expect. The harder you try, the less likely it is to happen, but on the flip side not trying at all doesn't usually help either. I would recommend, trying to do subtle things here and there that you used to enjoy, or something that would change your usual ___ up a bit, and eventually one day all those things will come together and you may start to realize you are feeling better than you were a few months prior to that. 

Again, just my take on it.

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1 hour ago, Hermitic said:

"Normal" people have lots of despicable behavior I don't want to emulate. Because I don't know how I would change if I weren't depressed, I fear that I will become what I hate. This is part of why I want my closest friends (whenever I finally find some) to also have depression or at least understand it. I really don't want to be intimate with a "normal" person who cannot fathom my perspective, just as "normal" people don't want to be around me.

A little off topic but what is "normal" to you? Normal is a word with definitions subjective to our own perceptions of reality. Something that is normal for you may seem abnormal for others. I do hope though that when you find your closest friends and allies, they don't have depression. Instead as you have also said, that they understand it.

Honestly, depression is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. But as I have learnt, sometimes it is necessary to grow as an individual. Still, its not something I would willingly want for others to have personally.

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7 hours ago, Shacke said:
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I've been suffering from this for almost 2 years now. Whole time I was hoping I would get better. I had only one therapist, and she had no idea what's going on... Partially, it's my fault, since I was never really comfortable talking to her. Anyway, most of the time, I was just hoping it would get better. And sometimes it would... sometimes I only got worse. I even had one 3 month period without any episodes..

But, now I'm not entirely sure I want to get better to be honest. There is some strange comfort in depression... I don't really know how to describe it. It's strange, how can being miserable, hating yourself, wanting to die and whatnot be comforting? But it is... I believe I'm not the only one who's experiencing this. What do you think is actually going on here?

First, you need to explain your therapist about your shyness and afraid of speaking up. She can probably help you with that. Second, you need to get better. Depression is only a temporary problem in your way. You only find these thoughts comforting because they are the only ones that surround your brain. I strongly suggest talking about this with your therapist, again. You're not the only one.

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I uncomfortably agree with George1. I thought I was comfortable in depression until I had a tiny glimpse of the joy that can be had. It was so intoxicating that it was frightening.

I don't know what "normal" is. Not depressed? I can't connect with people or understand them, so basically everyone except depressives is a Martian. I don't wish depression on anyone; I mean that I wish to find other depressives to get along with, as we can understand and share each other's pain.

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8 hours ago, Corbin said:

First, you need to explain your therapist about your shyness and afraid of speaking up. She can probably help you with that. Second, you need to get better. Depression is only a temporary problem in your way. You only find these thoughts comforting because they are the only ones that surround your brain. I strongly suggest talking about this with your therapist, again. You're not the only one.

I'm not sure if you've read what I said. I DO know for different. I have non-depressive episodes. 

Well, I'm not really shy or afraid to speak up. I just don't find myself comfortable talking about it. I need to make myself vulnerable when i'm talking about emotions,  I need to trust someone. And I trust no one

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1 hour ago, Teddy545 said:

I don't think getting through depression would change your morals and values. 

I don't think either. But I have irrational fear it might... I don't know. It is only part of the problem like I said, but possibly big part

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I think because you have been depressed for so long, you don't know anything else. The idea of being non-depressed seems like it wouldn't be the genuine you, but another person entirely.

Try to understand this is all part of the symptoms, like myself I can't imagine (or want) to be the person I once was where I had a busy life with a lot of socialising, travelling etc. This is because depression took away my ability to enjoy these things, so as long as I feel this way, it's more comforting then facing reality. If you get better, I think you will see things from a new perspective.

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I feel the same way. I used to wish I could be more outgoing, comfortable around people, want to go out and "have fun", have lots of friends, etc. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I don't want that. I'm really fine with just staying inside pretty much all the time and avoiding everything. I wish I wasn't so lonely, and that money wasn't so tight, but other than that, I really don't want any more out of life. I'm sure it just sounds like the depression talking, but the life most people have repulses me.

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14 hours ago, LaurynJcat said:

I think naitomea was right when he said it's about fearing change.  When you're depressed, it's hard to imagine being non-depressed and seems like a scary risk.  Easier to stay in your comfort zone. 

The thing is depressed people don't have a monopoly of fear of change.

One of the resons the world is fcuked up despite all the knowledge we have is because MOST people are scared to go beyond their comfort zones.

Being depressed could be the subconcious telling us all is not quiet on the western front, so to speak..

Just a thought.

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2 hours ago, Shacke said:

I'm not sure if you've read what I said. I DO know for different. I have non-depressive episodes. 

Well, I'm not really shy or afraid to speak up. I just don't find myself comfortable talking about it. I need to make myself vulnerable when i'm talking about emotions,  I need to trust someone. And I trust no one

I share you sentiment.

There's stuff in my life I tell absolutely no one.

I think, however, trust would go a long way if you're lucky to have someone who you can trust.

Oh yes.. Comfort zone.. 

Perhaps we actually should take the risk.

 

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I think it's fantastic that you have good times as well as bad! I do as well, and I think that makes it tricky sometimes, because we can see the whole picture and think "How bad can the depression be if I had a good day today?"

I get it about feeling comfortable. On some subconscious level, I think having that diagnosis in my back pocket gives me a good reason to not have control of myself when it's difficult to handle myself. I also find a sense of satisfaction in the idea that my struggle gives me some sort of deep insight that healthy people don't get to have. As if living depressed is braver than seeking treatment.

I feel like, at least for me, feeling comfortable in depression is a trick that depression plays on my mind. I'm not the kind of person who needs constant social interaction, and I enjoy having time alone because I'm introverted and it lets me recharge. That's normal for me. But depression, when it's more in control of me than I am, provides a different narrative. It tells me that there is no value in the society of others, that there's nothing to say about feeling unhealthy, that seeking help isn't important because this is normal. This is just me now.

Mental illness is the only place this happens! People who are diagnosed with cancer don't say, "You know what? I have days when I don't feel sick, so maybe my body will just fight this for me. I don't need help." A person with a broken bone doesn't say, "I can stand on this broken leg and tolerate the pain! Look how strong I am!"

Anyway, have you considered finding a different therapist with whom you feel more comfortable sharing your feelings- both positive and negative? I used to think that therapy would be an uncomfortable situation no matter who was in the chair across from me. But I really connect with the therapist I have now, and it's made a huge difference in how my sessions go, and how I feel when I walk out her door. Maybe a change would help?

Take care of yourself. 

x- SS 

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