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Can anyone make sense of this??


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So maybe im just too stubborn for my own good im not sure... 

ive been talking to this guy (who has depression, untreated), off and on for about a year

the past couple months though.. things were going really well, in touch often, we were flirty with each other often, it has already been said that we both like each other... tried making plans but it seemed the timing was always off

a couple weeks ago now... we were having this talk, where i was basically figuring nothing to lose, so i told him i wondered if we should let it go, even though we both like each other, just cuz theres no time, and i felt by asking i was just geting in the way. made sure he knew i didnt want to but that it was a thought that crossed my mind.

this thought seemed to upset him. but he didnt agree with me. said hed rather be with me. went so far as to call himself "mine". he asked what i was donig that day. 

we ended up hanging out and having a fun dinner out. afterwards, we stayed talking a while, it worked out that he eventually put his arm around me, after a couple hugs. kept his arm there for a long time (so wasnt just trying it but didnt like it). before we both left he gave me another big hug and said very truthfully he missed me... 

basically, since that day ive barely heard 2 words from him. i dont understand what happened. nobody did anything wrong. that day we knew we were both going home... so there was no reason to fake it to get lucky at the end of the day or something like that...... 

i dont get it at all. 

does this make sense to anyone here?? 

hes had a couple of things, indirect things, up on facebook that may or may not have been about me. good things. but basically, directly from him, that day i thanked him for inviting me out, said i had a good time. he said he was glad so did he. but... that was basically it. 

so i cant figure out, with there being absolutely no reason to fake it..... why act like he likes me, and even go so far to call himself mine... just to vanish away?? 

im thinking if he had a choice between me and someone else and he chose the someone else, even if he couldnt bear to tell me and hurt me, id be seeing things on facebook about her by now, almost 3 weeks later. hes a big facebook guy and if he had news like that im SURE it would be out in the open. but nothing of that nature, at all. 

ive been a mess about it. if he told me he was starting to have a worse time again, but that he needed time, but i knew that.... id be okay. the timing would suck but id survive, knowing hed come around. id ask how he was every few days but back off other than that. 

i just cant understand it. at all. cant imagine he would do those things he did in person if he just plain werent interested. maybe a quick friend hug... but not like what actualy did happen. it totally lingered you could tell neither of us watned to go home, but he had work so we had to. 

if anyone can offer any of their 2 cents... id be greatful. maybe another depressed-but-not-because-of-a-tragic-event mind can help me solve this puzzle.

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Hi there!

I TOTALLY get this. Honestly, I feel this with you. As I'm not great with socializing in the outside world, I tend to hide away behind this screen and talk to people online! But I have recently been through a situation like this recently so I wanted to put in my "two cents"!.

There was this boy named Connor, we'd been friends for years and he was my age. We got on great! He was there for me through the really messy break up of my ex of 3 years. As weeks and months went by we became pretty close, cuddles, you know, that kind of thing. It was nothing official but it was nearly...there, if you know what I mean. He eventually made his move by kissing me one night and I just panicked - my Social Anxiety went into overdrive and I just wasn't ready for a new relationship yet. I told him that I really wanted to try, but I just...wasn't ready. I just needed more time to get over my ex...but I did want to try.

After that, he stopped talking to me completely - only texting asking for drunk lifts home. And yeah, it hurt - more so when he announced he had gotten with someone else in America. I mean, it's kinda my own fault as I pushed him away.

But what I've learned from people who ignore me, both in real life and online - don't fret and sit there waiting for a message that will never come. Instead, focus on people who WILL take time out of their day to talk to you and make you feel welcome. Focus on people who won't throw you away for no reason.

I really hope you feel better soon, and feel free to shoot me an IM if you ever want to talk!

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2 hours ago, Claiken said:
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So maybe im just too stubborn for my own good im not sure... 

ive been talking to this guy (who has depression, untreated), off and on for about a year

the past couple months though.. things were going really well, in touch often, we were flirty with each other often, it has already been said that we both like each other... tried making plans but it seemed the timing was always off

a couple weeks ago now... we were having this talk, where i was basically figuring nothing to lose, so i told him i wondered if we should let it go, even though we both like each other, just cuz theres no time, and i felt by asking i was just geting in the way. made sure he knew i didnt want to but that it was a thought that crossed my mind.

this thought seemed to upset him. but he didnt agree with me. said hed rather be with me. went so far as to call himself "mine". he asked what i was donig that day. 

we ended up hanging out and having a fun dinner out. afterwards, we stayed talking a while, it worked out that he eventually put his arm around me, after a couple hugs. kept his arm there for a long time (so wasnt just trying it but didnt like it). before we both left he gave me another big hug and said very truthfully he missed me... 

basically, since that day ive barely heard 2 words from him. i dont understand what happened. nobody did anything wrong. that day we knew we were both going home... so there was no reason to fake it to get lucky at the end of the day or something like that...... 

i dont get it at all. 

does this make sense to anyone here?? 

hes had a couple of things, indirect things, up on facebook that may or may not have been about me. good things. but basically, directly from him, that day i thanked him for inviting me out, said i had a good time. he said he was glad so did he. but... that was basically it. 

so i cant figure out, with there being absolutely no reason to fake it..... why act like he likes me, and even go so far to call himself mine... just to vanish away?? 

im thinking if he had a choice between me and someone else and he chose the someone else, even if he couldnt bear to tell me and hurt me, id be seeing things on facebook about her by now, almost 3 weeks later. hes a big facebook guy and if he had news like that im SURE it would be out in the open. but nothing of that nature, at all. 

ive been a mess about it. if he told me he was starting to have a worse time again, but that he needed time, but i knew that.... id be okay. the timing would suck but id survive, knowing hed come around. id ask how he was every few days but back off other than that. 

i just cant understand it. at all. cant imagine he would do those things he did in person if he just plain werent interested. maybe a quick friend hug... but not like what actualy did happen. it totally lingered you could tell neither of us watned to go home, but he had work so we had to. 

if anyone can offer any of their 2 cents... id be greatful. maybe another depressed-but-not-because-of-a-tragic-event mind can help me solve this puzzle.

I'm a male with depression, so I'm trying to put myself in his shoes to understand for you. I am married, but still, male with depression...

When I was at my worst I had a tendency to isolate myself. I really needed people around me, but had an irrational need to be alone/feel bad about stuff only I would understand. Whenever people would start to get close to me, I would end up always pushing them away one way or another. For him it could just be a sort of irrational, depression thing like that, that isn't you, him, or somebody else.

I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like there is another person to him, in the same position as you. I think if anyone, you are the one for him, he just is going through a hard time, perhaps there is left over feelings from a past relationship getting in the way and he doesn't quite feel ready yet to move forward with you until he's over that. Maybe he was hurt in the past and is scared to go through the cycle again. Maybe he himself had a past he regrets that he may have hurt somebody in your position one way or another and thinks you deserve better, or just isn't ready, or is shy about moving forward. 

Maybe he has a secret and is in a very tough spot because he wants to move forward with you, but he knows this hypothetical secret will eventually catch up with him and hurt you one way or another. Maybe something to do with his past he's ashamed of, maybe an STD, maybe he smokes and doesn't want you to know.

I have no idea. I could be totally wrong, especially about the secret thing, I'm just thinking of reasons that would cause me to act like him. But I am not him, so no need to be suspicious of him just cause of what I'm saying, I just am thinking out loud to try to help you somehow.

I think he is interested in you, and just has something that he believes or knows is going to be hard for you or hurt you at some point and doesn't know how to move forward or what to do because of it, and perhaps thinks it'd be best not to get involved so you don't get hurt by what ever it is. Either that or some sort of irrational feeling that he just can't help but feel, due to the depression. 

Again I could be totally wrong, this is just all the things that come to my mind, when I think of what would result in me being like that.

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Well, i know hes shy. so thats a curveball by itself. but for me that only confirmed him liking me, cuz to do those things that happened in person would have taken lots of guts. so if it wasnt for something real why bother going thru the anxiety type thing is what i was thinking. 

i know its been a long time for him, and i know that i dont know what his past was like that way. (a possible thought i had was that if he feels "rusty", you know, physically cuz its been a long time, but figures im good to go and he wuoldnt be able to please me... orrr something along those lines.)

i just wish he would let me decide if the depression is too much or not, rather than deciding for me and pushing me away... 

he has said a while ago (probably like 6 months ago), he admitted to liking me but was afraid of hurting me, and that i was a great girl and he didnt want to hurt me. but what he doesnt realize is this distance hurts more than any "demon" from his past he could possibly talk to me about. if it were the other way around i wish hed realize that im not her. if someone hurt him in the past doesnt mean i would. 

i know hes probably afraid to let me in on it all, which i totally get. ive offered to listen but never tried forcing him to talk about it. 

i wish i could make my own brain stop doing the "what if"s about it all... 

id also hate to become "one that got away" for him... because hes being stubborn and taking too long while on my end its interpreted as not giving a crap. 

i sent him a facebook message (inbox) where i basically said exactly how i feel. not a naggy finger pointing type one, just calmly talking about my feelings. the only things i didnt think to mention were not to worry about hurting me, and ill decide if im hurt type thing. i did say id "walk thru hell with him"... cuz i would.... if he had the courage to let me. 

he has seen it. i *hope* he read it all. Ive yet to hear back but i hope it got him thinking, and he didnt just brush it off as if it were spam mail. he still has it, so maybe thats something (only know that because of the "seen at" thing facebook does... if deleted or marked unread i wouldnt see that). 

i dont want to hang on for no reason but i dont want to make this mistake of making myself let go too soon when things could have been amazing. I really dont know what to do :/

depression stuff aside, we seem so compatible. similar senses of humour, taste in music, movies. we even both have a small friend circle and highly value our family. even incorporating the depression... mine is a different cause but i can have it at times, due to life events though, not chemicals in the brain. i have things he would have to be understanding about too. its not like im perfect and hes packed full of issues. ive got my things too. 

ive stayed quiet since i sent that facebook message.... should i continue staying quiet? 

if i had to figure how he thinks in one specific way:... is that depressed guys wont chase a girl they like, or even maybe love or starting to. i feel like theyd think "well i guess she doesnt want me around anymore either" and just sit back and take it, maybe be depressed about it but not be proactive in wanting to do anything to change it. is that accurate?

Edited by Claiken
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