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Anerexia


LoneSquirrel

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I'm about 2 months into not drinking, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about the damage I've done to myself.  I've started to think about the weight I put on.

When I was growing up, my parents--particularly my father--really made it obvious that I was too fat for their liking.  My father really didn't pay attention to me very much, but when he did it was usually to make fat jokes about me.  To make matters worse, he would do it in front of my peers when I was an adolescent.  Though it may not seem rational, I thought that if I just lost weight, maybe my dad could love me.  This carried into my adult life.  Whenever a man would break up with me, I'd wonder if it was because I was too fat.

Anyway, my last boyfriend was not a fan of fat people, and I think the weight I put on probably contributed to that breakup.  But I leaned on him when my dad became ill, because I didn't really have anybody to talk to.  I shared with him that I wanted my dad to see me thin again before he died.  My ex said nothing; I think he probably felt like that was just fine.  It's not though.  I want someone to be able to love me even if I weigh too much.

I'd really like to have someone in my life.  I'm so lonely.  But one thing is starting to come into sharp focus: if I don't lose this weight, I'm unlikely to find anyone.  Even a person who would put up with me gaining weight later on in a relationship is not going to be initially attracted to me in my current state.  And I know from experience that men tend to overlook your dysfunction if you're thin and reasonably pretty.  If you're fat and screwed up, you're just gross and not worth loving in their eyes.

I was really looking forward to feeling better when I quit drinking, but I don't feel physically better, and I feel worse mentally...so my mind has started to grasp at the one thing it can control: my appetite.  So I don't have much of one.

This wasn't what I was hoping for.

It would be really great if someone could love me for who I am, but life just doesn't work that way.

Anyway, I guess I just had to vent.

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  • 4 weeks later...

LoneSquirrel,

I am in no way diminishing the depth of your sadness.  BUT, have you ever flipped channels and stopped on one of those "wedding" shows (or whatever they're called)?  I find it amazing that there are so many "fat" brides; women whose partners are just fine with the size of their prospective partners!  Not all men want skinny women.  

I  would have thought the same thing you do about attracting a partner, as I have used food all my life as a means of trying to control at least ONE thing--overexercising; undereating; feeling guilt-ridden and worthless when I ate something I wasn't, in my mind, "supposed to."  Later, when I moved to L.A., I found something else I loved--driving!  For however long I was in the car, I felt powerful and in control because I knew exactly where I was going.  But even that was a false belief.  I was in a bad accident on the freeway nine years ago, the physical repercussions of which I still feel today.

I understand the need to feel like you're in control and/or have a say in what happens to you.  The Serenity Prayer is in the file cabinet in my head, and I can pull it out and think about it when need be.  Yes, what you put in your mouth is something you can control; how your body responds to it is sometimes something else altogether (I'm one of those people who  believes that Monsanto is poisoning us with their GMOs and chemical processes--it's food for profit, not for life) .

Anyway, thank you for "vent[ing]" about this.

With you in spirit--

WOTL

WOTL

 

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Err, not that it matters since this is nearly a month old, but you don't lose weight for someone else. You do that for yourself (and your health). And being a big woman (because saying fat is just so wrong) isn't always unattractive to men.. take my brother for instance, he strongly prefers big women, and has had quite a few children from some..

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