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Third Eye Seeker

The Book of Tes: My Official Journal

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I didn't mean that people who call you names are correct or justified. I meant to encourage consideration for their reasoning, even if it is flawed.

"But I'm sure I'm the only individual who thinks that, so pay that opinion no mind." That was sarcasm, correct? To me that seemed hostile. Perhaps the schools near you are of lower quality than those near me. My experience with school was rather positive, and I feel I was well-prepared and offered many opportunities. I wasted many of those opportunities, though. If you feel so strongly, perhaps you could become a political activist. Maybe you could be a writer for the Democratic Party.

When I say I haven't met anyone, I mean for dating. I don't like the race analogy, but I see your point. I don't think there is a finish line.

If you wish to overcome that fear, perhaps doing something against it is best. Besides, many groups are small. You might meet in a private library room with 3-5 people. Would that be so bad?

You seem to have no problem expressing your thoughts (via text, at least). You writing style is relatively informal, and I presume that reflects your speech.

The reasons I was given were probably contrived, but I cannot be certain. A little more than half did not respond, and only a few made any conversation. I have received only those four reasons, as I have not asked many. I understand that if they want to talk to me, they will. That's why I only send one message asking for reasons. If I don't get a response, I assume they aren't interested and try with someone else. Once I received a long and detailed response two weeks after my initial message. One person said she was amidst a difficult time of moving and working and did not want to chat with me, and she has not been online since. So I don't think they're all liars.

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@Hermitic

- Understood. I've hardly been called any derogatory term, directly that is. Even so, I'd consider their reasoning, for one... I am a sensitive person though I try not to be.

- Tongue-in-cheek, nothing serious. 

- Perhaps, won't argue, probably true. What opportunities were you given? and I'm an anarchist, actually.

- Understood. I was by no means trying to be philosophical with that analogy, I knew it was rough, but there was no other way at the time for me to explain it. By 'finish line' I don't mean eternal happiness... I mean actually finding someone you connect with. Running symbolizes actively looking for love or a soul mate, maybe even a friend. It is not a race in the sense that you are competing with others, it is a race in the sense that everybody is on the same platform and trying to reach a similar goal. But again, not trying to be philosophical with the analogy. It's just how I personally view it, it's merely a metaphor based on my life experiences. So, keep in mind what we've experienced may differ, ergo our point of views may differ.

- You seem to imply that I think it would, the quantity of people is not the end-all, be-all factor. Depends on the actual people themselves, if they're kind people, then no. If we get along, then no. If they're the opposite, then yes. It can be two people. If they offset my well-being, I'll slowly break down inside the longer I stay around them. But before doing things like that [meeting people in private libraries], I need therapy, and possibly even a psychiatrist. Forcing myself out there will likely send me into a panic and make things worse. I need someone to work with one-on-one who can help me come to terms with everything and gradually build my self-esteem/confidence back. I'm not the equivalent to the average shy individual who just needs someone to open them up. I have issues that need professional help. Back in high school, one day over half of my physics class was out at an event. It was only about 13 of us in there. The room was more spacious and I was able to mentally breathe and work more efficiently. The lights were also off, I don't like bright lights, they make my anxiety rise. I usually liked my physics class, most of the people in there I was okay around. But when the class was half empty, I felt liberated. My social phobia problems never stayed idle, they continued to grow and manifest into something stronger with time. 

- Not really, granted I am comfortable with the person whom I'm conversing with. I don't like verbal speech. One thing that comes with anthropophobia is that depending on how severe the condition, you explicitly prefer written based communication over verbal communication. I don't mind speaking verbally if I trust the individual, however. Otherwise, I hate verbal communication. Whether or not I can articulate myself well now is unknown. I probably have a speech impediment because It's difficult to speak in real-time, my mind traces my thoughts faster than I am able to speak. Writing allows me to trace my thoughts precisely. It's also more intimate for me. I write how I speak, yes. I do not like speaking, though. 

- I'm surprised you asked. I'd imagine that sounds like an annoying thing to do, hence why I never do that. Personally, I feel like I shouldn't need to ask if they're just not going to ever talk to me again. That just (for me) shows they weren't interested enough. Even if someone died, for example. Now, depending on if we've actually been talking for a while and have established a connection, I would check in if she was absent. But if we never even established a connection (and I was the last to respond), I'm not going to bother them. If they intend to get back in touch with me, they will. Most girls that I tried talking to, they were usually online plenty of times after not contacting me again. Facebook "read" messages would show that they read my response, and they're still online... posting statuses. I don't like confrontations to be honest unless they're truly necessary -- such as if we've gotten well aquainted and they're unusually absent all of a sudden. Neither do I [think that they're all liars]. Has anyone ever sent you a message first?

Edited by Third Eye Seeker

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I had opportunities to take university classes and secure lucrative scholarships. I could have finished a four-year degree in two years and been paid to do it. But I did not take those opportunities.

If you feel that you must have a therapist before you can make social connections, then please do so! Loneliness is terrible for a depressive.

I also dislike speech. It involves hand gestures and facial expressions and other things I don't understand, and filtering the useless words (um, uh, like, you know, etc.) is annoying. My mouth also cannot match the speed of my thoughts, so I must speak slowly and carefully to articulate anything. Otherwise I make a slurred mess of sounds.

Sometimes there are legitimate reasons that they didn't respond. One person didn't respond until I sent the "why haven't you responded" message, saying that my message had been lost among the spam. After that she responded regularly. No one has sent me a message first. I presume this is because I'm male. According to the website, my profile doesn't receive many visits.

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Hi Third Eye Seeker and welcome to the forum. I think you’ll receive a lot of help here. In fact, Because of you, I think you inspired me to make my own journal or at least I plan to. You sound a lot like me so this will be a lot of information to cover.

Your experience with your friends sounds like mine back when I graduated 8th grade. I had no friends growing up and grew up in an abusive household where I was labeled a “failure” and an “a******” for some stupid reasons. 

I spent time on a forum for two years after I abandoned the head admin. The admin would make me do things such as constantly bombard me with emails, insult members (which I didn’t because he was a hypocrite), fight with trolls, etc. He would say things to me such as “come to chat NOW” or “dude stop ignoring me” or “HURRY THE **** UP.” After I abandoned him, I was all alone. Like you, I had a life outside school, but never the time to do what I wanted.

There were friends on my youtube channel, but they all left one by one. Due to cyberbullying, I had to delete my account.

After your friend was beaten by your mother, I think he grew more bitter of the wold around him because of his situation at home. When someone is treated poorly in a relationship, he/she would most likely be more cruel to others thinking that all people are the same. Unfortunately, I feel that way but for good reasons.

See, the human race is far too disorganized with everything, so I turn to science for my answers in life, rather than religion.

No one loved me or wanted me in life. I detach myself from people and my emotions because I’ve gotten so used to the abuse in my house that it’s crazy. I’m tired of relationships. I’m tired of dealing with people for 18 years. I’d rather have my psychiatrist as my mother because she actually cares about me, unlike my family.

I’ve always craved time in life; time to eat, relax, listen to music, read a book, watch tv or movies, play video games, exercise, etc. but no. I’m stuck in a terrible neighborhood in the terrible suburbs with my terrible family.

I use logic and intuition, aka both sides of my brain, because I never knew what people, especially my family want from me. Given, we’re an extroverted society, but that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be introverts. I sometimes can’t tell from right and wrong with myself and my identity as a human being because I’m too busy pleasing people all the time. 

All I wanted was to be good at something…like math or physics. You know, be something that my family wasn’t: A scientist. Too many big-pictured thinkers constantly **** with my mind. Just want to look into things with small details. 

Science is the only way people are ever going to change. We as a human race are incomprehensible to what’s right and wrong and we have people who maim and M***** children, women, and men for the sake of something that they consider righteous. I guess we never change.

Like you, I’m an introvert with aspergers so I come with all the packages alongside it: shy, quiet, and aloof. I became a complete zombie like Hermitic said regarding 12th grade after taking Abilify to help with my depression. Now, I’m taking haldol. 

The reason why I write like this is because I’ve gotten so used to the crap in my life that I just feel like a zombie. OCD creating thoughts like children getting hurt, giant praying mantises and grasshoppers ******* people, it’s all the same to me. 

Like you, I talked to myself a lot in elementary school, though I considered myself a maniac because my mind was ****ed up and I was never into the same stuff my peers were into like Naruto. That series is garbage. If you want something similar to that, try Blade of the Immortal, though that’s a seinen. Hunter X Hunter, Fullmetal Alchemist, Gintama, or D. Gray-Man would probably work best since they’re shounen. 

Come to think about it, I think I may have DID. I always talked to myself as if I were a group of separate people with their own views of life. One would be like Newton but with Marxist views and so on. Writing works better because I express myself more often. I hate phones, to be honest. My sister jacks up the phone bill to $200 whereas mom and I are $66 and $60. One time, her phone bill managed to reach up to $700 because of the amount of selfies she took. 

High School is a joke, to be honest. Just like Harvard being present in so many movies, High School takes its form as being the joke of America. But then again, it’s where you start putting social skills to use, rather than academic skills. It’s like they want to make college a cake on the roof compared to high school, which is an ice cream that fell on the floor. Teachers sucked completely and there were some that even humiliated the kids. One in particular made a student sing “I’m a little teapot” to the class and even told us that we were going to fail. That was my spanish teacher at the time, so I had to teach myself spanish, which occurred in Junior year, the year I almost got expelled because of my teachers. Given, I know it sounds immature to say that my teachers were the reason that I failed but it’s true. There needs to be a survey on these teachers because private schools are a bunch of FAT CATS (emphasizing, not yelling) with their fake moral ethics and even faker leadership intentions. My physics teacher couldn’t do math. My chemistry teacher is a raging animal that threw a trash can at the class. My math teacher is a maniac and the list goes on. Even when I did well in senior year, it didn’t change a thing to my GPA. Seriously, my gpa was a 75-77 for three years and only bumped up to a 77 at the end after I got 80s and 90s throughout the year.

Like you, nobody bothered to deal with me, especially with the way I looked. I felt ugly, especially with facial hair (pogonophobia btw). I also questioned my sexuality in 2014 when I felt lonely and wanted someone to be with me, so I wound up being bi-curious for a short period of time and later bisexual. These tendencies have been repressed in my childhood. I have considered writing a bisexual character for my book, but I probably won’t do any sex scenes since it evolved from being a sci-fi fantasy to a cyberpunk post-apocalyptic sci-fi to a sci-fi historical to a cyberpunk gothic space opera. I’ve been too busy with naming my characters and the planets and I don’t want to reuse tropes like roman/greek or norse mythology because that’s already been done before (i.e. Legend of the Galactic Heroes and Pandora’s Star).

Like you, I like reading, but dear god I don’t have the time for it so I spend my spare time playing video games, watching stupid vines for no real purpose, reading articles, etc. 

The more I delve into this topic, the more I type like a robot. Like you, I care too much and taught myself to read and took an interest in mythology and Shakespeare just to further deepen my "life’s work.”

Suicidal thoughts began when I was 10 years old. Growing up,I was addicted to porn and ************* and even had a couple of fetishes.

My mom and dad always think that depression can end like that…It doesn’t. It’s a lifelong commitment to fix the threads and start from scratch; something that people find it difficult to notice.

You don’t sound like a bad person. You seem to be a bright and intelligent young man and I do mean what I say. My suggestion is that you should find what’s best for you, such as the sciences or social sciences, rather than be a police officer, because you’re very into small details like me. Not that I’m saying you should quit the military because that’s totally up to you, it’s just that I’m trying my best to help you as much as possible.

Sorry if this was long. 

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