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Depressed Boyfriend doesn't know what he wants


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Hello, I've been doing some googling in need of help and came across this forum.

I've been with him for a year and a half now, he doesn't take any medication or therapy as he refuses to, he believes he can fix himself. I have noticed recently that he has become distant from me. A few days ago he says that he doesn't know what he wants in life and he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. I kept offering to help him,saying that this is just his depression talking and that he will get through it, but he replies with "i don't know". I tried to get mutual friends to talk to him but he's the same with them, one word replies. It's become really upsetting and worrying for me because I love him so much and to hear him say he doesn't know anymore hurts. I know it's not really him that's thinking this but part of me is having doubts. This is the worst I've seen him and I can't physically be there for him as we have moved out of our college accommodation and now live 3 hours away. He doesn't want to talk to me or anyone. I'm trying to give him space but it's so hard not knowing how he is doing. 

Can anyone give me any advice as to how to deal with this? Is it him that's thinking these thoughts or is it his depression? Has anyone been in my situation before that knows what the right thing to do is?

Thanks in advance.

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Hi Karen,

Your post caught my attention because I used to be someone's "depressed boyfriend" for 3 years, then she dumped me and quickly moved on. The difference is that I was on medication the entire time, and I loved her and she 'loved' me but not in the unconditional way that I wanted her to. In the end I realized I was lucky for it to last as long as it did, but it didn't work out, so....

I can still definitely relate to how you are feeling, in that it is absolutely soul-crushing to love someone and then have them say that they don't love you in the same way. It's hard to tell whether it's him or the depression talking; probably mostly the depression but knowing that doesn't really help you, it sounds like he needs to get help but he needs to make that decision, which could take a long time, realistically. :(  

So It's hard to offer advice because, on the one hand, I think it would be awesome of you to stick with him and support him throughout his ordeal. On the other hand, eventually your relationship with this guy could become unbearable for you, or him, but probably for both of you...so I feel like I should tell you that parting ways with him is definitely a valid option as well. This is unfortunate because neither of these options would be easy for you.

I hope my input helps you sort things out, you will make the right choice.   

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Hi ignis,

I want to stick with him through this no matter what. I just hope over time he'll seek the help he needs. He is my world and I love him unconditionally and I refuse to let go of what we have. I know it's only a small bump in the road and when we get over it things will be better. Is there any way I can tell him to seek help? I should probably add that I don't want to leave him like this cause that's what is last girlfriend did.

Thanks for the reply, it's good to get an opinion from someone who went through what he's going through. 

 

Edited by karenf22
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Okay, well it's good to know that people like you are out there. :)   Actually, now that I think about it, I was also resistant to seeking help for myself as well. Took me about 3 years of being deeply depressed for me to realize that I had to be the one to save myself--eventually I saw a doc and they referred me to a psychiatrist who persuaded me to take medications, which really helped me. Now, for your sake, I hope he turns things around sooner than that. But what initially might seem like a "bump in the road" can end up being a deep, dark pit. I can't really think of any way you can tell him to seek help, especially if he is not very responsive to you. You might just be in for a long wait.

^I'm not trying to be deliberately negative, I just want you to know what you potentially could be up against, realistically.  

I too loved someone unconditionally. But sadly that is not always enough. 

 

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Hi Karen,

Firstly I want to commend you for the fact that you want to stay with him. It can be so tough to deal with somebody who has depression when they push you away and say hurtful things so the fact that you are there is fantastic.

Secondly, I must ask you to please please please try your best to take some 'me-time' and just pamper yourself a bit, or do a hobby that you really enjoy. He needs you at your strongest and it can be so easy to get beaten down by the person with depression unintentionally.

I was once in your boyfriend's shoes, although myself and my own boyfriend live a mere 10 minutes from one another so it was easier for him to cope with me. At the time, I was cruel and hurtful, often declaring that I did not love my boyfriend of 5 years and even going as far as telling him to leave me so I like make it easier to give up. I was saying stupid things and being cruel to him without being able to control it. 

I refused to take medication and ended up leaving my job (as well as barely attending my university lectures). It made it difficult for him to cope and in some ways I wish he had left because it would have spared him seeing what was essentially my ugliest side. Yet, I am so glad he stuck by me. He wasn't giving up on me at all, and it put the ball in my court. This gave me time to really sit down and re-evaluate what I wanted without letting the depression force my hand. Ultimately, I stuck out the relationship and we are now still together and saving for a house, almost a year on. The way in which we survived that was by him sacrificing his own happiness also to let me yo-yo him in a situation of 'love/hate', although I never truly disliked or hated at all. I loved him throughout, and he remained my best friend. We came out the other end stronger and much better for what we overcame - but I reiterate that it was my decision to make, handed to me by my other half. So if you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness and potential sanity, then it would be worth sticking it out and leaving the ball in his court. At least that way, you'll know you tried and it was nothing you did that caused him to leave or stay. 

I do, however, agree with Ignis that if you do walk away, it is also a valid option. This is such a difficult scenario for you to both be in, for you especially as you have to deal with this feeling of being unloved and unappreciated. I'm sure in his right mind, however, he would never give up on you. Therefore I ask you to perhaps imagine what he would do in that situation. Would be walk away for his own happiness (which there is absolutely nothing wrong with), or would he stick by you and let you call the shots?

There is truly no right thing. There is on,y what feels right, and you will feel guilty no matter what - so just try and do what will have the best outcome for both of you, thinking carefully about your own happiness.

Stay well, and look after yourself.

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Ignis- I understand what you're saying and it's fine, it's good to hear what may happen and to have someone be realistic 

Loistarr- It's so hard to be able to get time to myself cause even when im with friends or trying to watch tv im constantly being reminded of him.  I'm so happy to hear that you and your boyfriend worked through this and managed to come out stronger,it's exactly what I'm praying will happen.  I am willing to sacrifice my own sanity for him, cause I know he's worth it. His happy times really make up for these dark times.  I think he would defiantly stick by me without a doubt.

I hope that maybe when he's back to being himself again that he'll look for help, i've told him before that there's only so much I can do.

thanks for your help :)

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standup- I'm sorry to hear what you've went through. Like my idea of loving someone is being there for them in their darkest hour and helping them get through it no matter what and that's what I want to do with him.

I'm not talking to him as often as I use to in order to give him space to heal. I do check up on him every few hours to see how he is but it's the same. He's started talking to our mutual friends again though so maybe he's almost there.

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I just want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this agonizing experience and that I hope it somehow resolves itself into the best possible outcome!  It must be so so very difficult!!!    - Epictetus

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That just seems awful and sadly I've heard stories similar to yours alot. It's a shame people don't understand or imagine themseleves in others shoes. I'm sure you'll find someone who really does stick with you throughout

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I'm sorry to hear this Karen, for the sake of both yourself and your boyfriend. Honestly, I haven't read anyone else's comments here as this whole topic is a bit of a trigger for me but I felt driven to offer a few words. You see, about 2 years ago now I split up with my ex. I was with her for almost two years. I loved her an awful lot but she was also quite controlling, often refused to be nice to or even go near most of my friends and family, and did next to no comprising in terms of what we did. Nevertheless, I was able to look past all that. But... well, at that point I had been stable for about 2-3 years, at my slimmest, my happiest, had a job, everything. Soon enough though I had a series of increasingly worse issues. I got insomnia. I was diagnosed with anxiety. And then 6 months down the line I experienced the worst thing I've ever experienced: severely intruding negative thoughts, all day every day. It continued for a month, was like a voice whispering in my ear, and whilst it often spoke about how much I hated myself, it mostly attacked my ex calling her all sorts of names and telling me we shouldn't be together. It made me more ashamed, more heartbroken, more distraught than anything I've ever been through. I didn't truly think these things so why?

 

I got officially diagnosed with depression though realised I had been experienced mental health issues pretty much all my life. My ex stuck with me through it all but then it got to a point where I had discovered she had cancelled my birthday plans and refused to go out with me for some reason. I got mad but didn't want to argue so hurt myself in private. She got upset then I said 'you deserve better, we shouldnt be together', then that was the time she actually said 'perhaps we shouldn't be together...' and we broke up within the half hour and I headed home.

I won't deny it didn't leave me traumatised. I got better just to get worse again and my then partner couldn't handle it. Still, I realise also that we weren't the greatest match. Our interests were pretty different and as I said, she could be pretty cruel.

I think my advice would be to keep having chats with him and try to get him into healthcare if possible. If you do love him as much as it sounds and you think he still loves you beyond the depression (which honestly, he may well still do) then time will prove whether things will work.

My story is a bad example but I know plenty of couples where one of them (or both) have depression and they have had long and happy relationships. I wish you all the best in your future and hope my words haven't caused upset in any way. I appreciate the chance to get this kind of thing off my chest once in a while.

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ParadoxiPaladin- I'm sorry about the triggering post, but I'm glad it has given you the opportunity to get you story of your chest. Sorry to hear what has happened to you. Maybe those thoughts you've had are what my boyfriend is experiencing now. It's hard to talk to him cause it just seems like he doesn't want to make the effort.

Thank you for your reply and I wish you well in your recovery :)

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standup- awh thanks, that made me smile. I feel like helping him is all I can do,it's a shame not everyone is as understanding in this world. I hope he'll get out of this slump soon so I can maybe discuss therapy without upsetting him

The thing is now, should i talk to him regularly or talk to him like every few hours? I want to fix this before we have to go to the UK to meet his extended family (will be my first time meeting them) in 10 days.

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43 minutes ago, karenf22 said:

ParadoxiPaladin- I'm sorry about the triggering post, but I'm glad it has given you the opportunity to get you story of your chest. Sorry to hear what has happened to you. Maybe those thoughts you've had are what my boyfriend is experiencing now. It's hard to talk to him cause it just seems like he doesn't want to make the effort.

Thank you for your reply and I wish you well in your recovery :)

Ah no need to apologise but thanks for the reply :) I hope things start to get a little easier in due time

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9 minutes ago, standup said:

Are you saying you want to fix his depression in 10 days? Sorry, I might have missed something in the thread. I'm a bit scatterbrained today.

sorry i meant to say i want him to at least want to talk to me in 10 days. I am aware his depression will take years to be worked on. I'm sorry for the confusion

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22 minutes ago, standup said:

Got it, no problem. It's hard for me to say how often to talk to him. Whatever you're both comfortable with, I guess. I wish I could say something more but I just don't know the situation. Is he not talking to you because he's so deeply depressed or is there some kind of disagreement going on?

we haven't had any disagreement at all that i know of,cause he never really says if i've done anything wrong so i assume everything is okay when maybe it isn't. But to me anyway it just seems like he's in so deep now 

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Bless you for being willing to be there for him and to stand by him during this tough time! It warmed my heart to hear that there are people like you in the world. Depression is such a big factor in the end of so many relationships, and so often, it seems like the depressed person is blamed for pushing the other person away, or expect the other person to "fix" them or "cure" them, etc. 

And I am sure this does indeed happen! At the same time, however, I am a big fan of making an effort to solve problems, and making an effort to communicate about things, and to put in the work to improve a relationship, rather than just dumping a person and leaving them in the lurch. So I am glad you are giving him a chance, rather than saying "Not my problem! You're too much to handle! I'm done with you!"

BUT severely depressed people CAN be overbearing on their partners! And I think he is responsible for communicating with you. I have a pet peeve about silent treatment. I hate people ignoring and avoiding me. You can have space, but don't try to avoid me indefinitely. I can't read your mind. (I guess I am speaking to someone who recently hurt me by dumping me using avoiding and the silent treatment.) 

Anyway, I am the world's biggest fan of communication, and that would clearly be a very important thing to do here. But how do you make someone communicate, who doesn't WANT to communicate, when you are very much wanting to communicate with them?!?! I wish I could tell you. I had the same problem. It seems like the classic "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink."

So maybe let him know you will be there for him, but you are really worried, and starting to become frustrated, and you would really appreciate if he communicated with you after X days of "space." 

I don't have a problem with needing space, but when the other person uses "space" as an excuse to avoid communication indefinitely......that infuriates me! And "space" is NOT a valid reason to avoid communication indefinitely. Ideally, the person who wants space, would also agree to communicate throughout the period of space, and also agree on a firm date when the "space" would come to an end.

I wonder if he would be willing to write you emails while he is having his "space?" I am a big fan of writing emails because a lot can be said in them. Important stuff that one might be too nervous to say face to face. Sometimes I get so emotional or afraid that I can't say what I want to say, how I want to say it. So I prefer writing the person a long letter or email. Maybe he would be willing to do that. He's got to be willing to do SOMETHING. Maybe he's not strong enough to "meet you halfway", but if he can't meet you at least 1% of the way, then the relationship becomes totally one-sided. 

I know if I were having problems with a loved one, I would be desperate to do whatever it took to keep them from leaving me, hahaha. I really don't like being left, haha.  But something like making an appointment with a therapist and having a group meeting, so the therapist can ideally help communication between both parties. Of course, me being willing to do this still wasn't enough to keep the other person from leaving me. If they want to leave....there's nothing you can do to stop them. 

Sorry, that sounded terrible! I am just coming out of a relationship where the person was not willing to put in any effort, and I was willing to do whatever it took to save the relationship. They left me, and I was ridiculously devastated for months.

Anyway good for you to be willing to make some effort during the tough times, but also try not to let him have power over you with his silence and stubbornness. Easier said than done I know! Maybe he would be willing to write you emails and to give SOME kind of meaningful communication while he is having his "space." 

Good luck and please keep us posted!

Edited by blackrider
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36 minutes ago, blackrider said:

Bless you for being willing to be there for him and to stand by him during this tough time! It warmed my heart to hear that there are people like you in the world. Depression is such a big factor in the end of so many relationships, and so often, it seems like the depressed person is blamed for pushing the other person away, or expect the other person to "fix" them or "cure" them, etc. 

And I am sure this does indeed happen! At the same time, however, I am a big fan of making an effort to solve problems, and making an effort to communicate about things, and to put in the work to improve a relationship, rather than just dumping a person and leaving them in the lurch. So I am glad you are giving him a chance, rather than saying "Not my problem! You're too much to handle! I'm done with you!"

BUT severely depressed people CAN be overbearing on their partners! And I think he is responsible for communicating with you. I have a pet peeve about silent treatment. I hate people ignoring and avoiding me. You can have space, but don't try to avoid me indefinitely. I can't read your mind. (I guess I am speaking to someone who recently hurt me by dumping me using avoiding and the silent treatment.) 

Anyway, I am the world's biggest fan of communication, and that would clearly be a very important thing to do here. But how do you make someone communicate, who doesn't WANT to communicate, when you are very much wanting to communicate with them?!?! I wish I could tell you. I had the same problem. It seems like the classic "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink."

So maybe let him know you will be there for him, but you are really worried, and starting to become frustrated, and you would really appreciate if he communicated with you after X days of "space." 

I don't have a problem with needing space, but when the other person uses "space" as an excuse to avoid communication indefinitely......that infuriates me! And "space" is NOT a valid reason to avoid communication indefinitely. Ideally, the person who wants space, would also agree to communicate throughout the period of space, and also agree on a firm date when the "space" would come to an end.

I wonder if he would be willing to write you emails while he is having his "space?" I am a big fan of writing emails because a lot can be said in them. Important stuff that one might be too nervous to say face to face. Sometimes I get so emotional or afraid that I can't say what I want to say, how I want to say it. So I prefer writing the person a long letter or email. Maybe he would be willing to do that. He's got to be willing to do SOMETHING. Maybe he's not strong enough to "meet you halfway", but if he can't meet you at least 1% of the way, then the relationship becomes totally one-sided. 

I know if I were having problems with a loved one, I would be desperate to do whatever it took to keep them from leaving me, hahaha. I really don't like being left, haha.  But something like making an appointment with a therapist and having a group meeting, so the therapist can ideally help communication between both parties. Of course, me being willing to do this still wasn't enough to keep the other person from leaving me. If they want to leave....there's nothing you can do to stop them. 

Sorry, that sounded terrible! I am just coming out of a relationship where the person was not willing to put in any effort, and I was willing to do whatever it took to save the relationship. They left me, and I was ridiculously devastated for months.

Anyway good for you to be willing to make some effort during the tough times, but also try not to let him have power over you with his silence and stubbornness. Easier said than done I know! Maybe he would be willing to write you emails and to give SOME kind of meaningful communication while he is having his "space." 

Good luck and please keep us posted!

Hello, I'm sorry to hear what has happened in your past relationship.

I agree with plenty of want you have said. I am also huge into communication and that's why I find it so frustrating to not be getting much effort from him,but I always keep reminding myself that its not truly him being like this. I have been messaging him on facebook just to make sure he's ok. 

An update: I have left him be for about 6 hours and I gave in and I sort of have him talking to me. He now says that he doesn't make me happy, that I'm always sad because of him. I've been trying to convince him otherwise but he's not believing it. I have maybe failed to mention I have a little bit of anxiety and maybe I'm a bit more emotional than other girls, so when he starts to have a break down,of course I do too and now he thinks it's his fault. Does anyone know anyway to convince him that he really does make me so happy?

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Thanks for the update! Hopefully things have gotten at least a little better in the past few days. 

That is unfortunate, when he basically "accuses" you of being sad because of him. I know he's not "accusing" you, but I can't think of a good word for what this is. Basically somebody assuming the worst about another person's feelings, or not fully believing you when you try to reassure him that he's not making you sad. And unfortunately this is classic depressed person behavior, to always assume the worst of a situation, or to have severe doubt in people's real motives or feelings.  And I am sure that's very frustrating for you, to be telling him the truth, and he's not believing you. But yeah, that's definitely a symptom of his condition, as you well know. But knowing that's not "really him" doesn't make it much easier to deal with!

At this point, I don't think it's your responsibility to convince him that he makes you happy, beyond what you've done already. I think all you can do is repeat what you've already said, like a broken record, until he does believe it. At this point, it's really his perception that is skewed. Maybe remind him that nobody can read another person's mind, or tell another person how they feel? But I'm sure he would have some sort of argumentative response to that. 

I'm not sure how close you are with his family, and how much they are willing to do to help him. Ideally they would be very willing, but families are not always ideal, unfortunately! But it's very difficult to support him by yourself, so any support they can give would be great.

And it's definitely possible that "giving him space" will have a very positive result. Maybe leaving him alone for a specific, predetermined time will allow him to make some decisions and re-evaluate things and not feel pressured. But I would say to be very clear and specific about this, so there's no uncertainty about the length of the period of "space" and who will contact whom at the end of it. For example, "I promise not to contact you for a week, but next Monday I am going to call you and see how everything's going, and I expect you to respond. And you are free to contact me at any point during the week if you change your mind."  Something like that you can both agree on. 

Anyway I am sorry for the tough situation and I hope things get better! Feel free to inform us of anything interesting (or uninteresting, haha.)

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3 hours ago, blackrider said:

Thanks for the update! Hopefully things have gotten at least a little better in the past few days. 

That is unfortunate, when he basically "accuses" you of being sad because of him. I know he's not "accusing" you, but I can't think of a good word for what this is. Basically somebody assuming the worst about another person's feelings, or not fully believing you when you try to reassure him that he's not making you sad. And unfortunately this is classic depressed person behavior, to always assume the worst of a situation, or to have severe doubt in people's real motives or feelings.  And I am sure that's very frustrating for you, to be telling him the truth, and he's not believing you. But yeah, that's definitely a symptom of his condition, as you well know. But knowing that's not "really him" doesn't make it much easier to deal with!

At this point, I don't think it's your responsibility to convince him that he makes you happy, beyond what you've done already. I think all you can do is repeat what you've already said, like a broken record, until he does believe it. At this point, it's really his perception that is skewed. Maybe remind him that nobody can read another person's mind, or tell another person how they feel? But I'm sure he would have some sort of argumentative response to that. 

I'm not sure how close you are with his family, and how much they are willing to do to help him. Ideally they would be very willing, but families are not always ideal, unfortunately! But it's very difficult to support him by yourself, so any support they can give would be great.

And it's definitely possible that "giving him space" will have a very positive result. Maybe leaving him alone for a specific, predetermined time will allow him to make some decisions and re-evaluate things and not feel pressured. But I would say to be very clear and specific about this, so there's no uncertainty about the length of the period of "space" and who will contact whom at the end of it. For example, "I promise not to contact you for a week, but next Monday I am going to call you and see how everything's going, and I expect you to respond. And you are free to contact me at any point during the week if you change your mind."  Something like that you can both agree on. 

Anyway I am sorry for the tough situation and I hope things get better! Feel free to inform us of anything interesting (or uninteresting, haha.)

Hi again! 

Things did seem to get better until today when I told him to stick with me and that I'll help he said "i have no other choice" and that just broke me then. And a mutual friend told him to either give us another go or to stop leading me on. He got scared then,crying loads,saying stuff about how everything bad that's ever happened was his fault (his depression i assume), he was scared of losing me, probably scared for us too. And then he asked for some time alone and I agreed to give him however long he needs to think. 

That only happened about an hour ago so I'm playing the waiting game now,hoping he'll come back to me.

And about his parents, I am quite close to them (they seem to love me anyway),I have his mums number but he has told me he would never tell them about his depression so i feel like it's not my business to say anything. But they would help him i know it,it'd hurt them in the beginning because he's their only child as she wasn't meant to have kids and i can't imagine how'd they'd feel if they hear about how badly depressed he is. 

Sorry if my reply is all over the place,I'm not exactly "with it" right now so anxious.

Edited by karenf22
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Thanks for sharing!

I agree, "I have no other choice" is definitely not the type of thing I would want to hear either. But as you have learned all too well by now, sometimes depressed people can act very unpleasantly and push everyone away, even the people who love them the most! So thank goodness you are strong enough to not be pushed away by that.

That's interesting that he opened up to the friend like that. I wonder if he views what he's doing as "leading you on." Probably not if he reacted so fearfully, and maybe that indicates he does not want to lose you. Ideally he would speak as openly to you as he does to the friend, but it sounds like he may be afraid to open up completely to you. And maybe this is related to his previous relationship, where it sounds like he felt like he was disappointed or abandoned by his previous partner. So maybe now he is afraid to be emotionally open and intimate with another woman out of fear that he will get hurt again like he did before. Of course, the irony is, that by not allowing himself to be open and vulnerable and intimate with you, he is closing himself off from you, and somewhat pushing you away, which is the opposite of what you both want!

It sounds like this mutual friend might be a good person to help mediate communication between you and your partner...but obviously that's a huge responsibility to ask of a person who isn't a family member. But I would recommend at least having a chat with that mutual friend so he can see your side of the situation? Maybe your boyfriend would be less doubting of your love (and again that doubt might be a by-product of his previous relationship) if he hears it from the mutual friend, like "She's not like that other woman, she really cares about you and is not going to leave you, but you need to communicate with her because she's really worried." 

Again, that may be a lot to ask of a friend, but it it's a really close friend, it might be do-able.

Also it's great that his family seems they would be open to support. I would tentatively recommend to get them involved....unless you think that would scare him off somehow, or make him angry. At the same time, he needs to recognize and acknowledge and listen to and respond to your feelings, so you shouldn't necessarily have to "walk on eggshells" because he might get angry for trying to work together with his family to do something that's in his best interest!

But I am glad that you are willing to put in the effort to commit to the relationship in good times and bad, rather than just walk away when the going gets tough. It sounds like that's what his previous girlfriend did and he probably still feels pain from that and is worried something like that may happen again. 

But it's still not fair for him to give you silent treatment. But I'm sure he's not doing it intentionally. Not that that makes it any better!

Anyway I am no relationship expert so take everything I say with a grain of salt! I don't want to recommend anything that ends up going horribly wrong! I would like to be a relationship expert one day though, hahahaha. I find relationships endlessly interesting, but I've also had a lot of trouble with them personally. And I see many people have trouble with them too! Basically I keep coming back to the idea that all relationship troubles can be ultimately solved with communication....but as you have seen, something as "simple" as communication can be the hardest thing in the world!

So in short, I would think about talking with his friend or his family to just let them know you are concerned, and to get their opinions on him and how he is acting, and what they think you should do, or if they think there is anything they can do.

Good luck and as always feel free to keep us on the forum updated! 

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  • 2 months later...
On 09/06/2016 at 1:38 AM, blackrider said:

 And maybe this is related to his previous relationship, where it sounds like he felt like he was disappointed or abandoned by his previous partner. So maybe now he is afraid to be emotionally open and intimate with another woman out of fear that he will get hurt again like he did before.

Hi just got on now to see your reply and this part caught my attention even though it was 2 years ago he and his previous girlfriend brokeup and it did appear that she just left him out of nowhere in times of need i presume too, he also said she took advantage of how much he liked her and would make him feel guilty if he didn't agree to things etc. 

---

But anyway as an update for anyone who is interested. In about early August during a spooning session (after he begged me to come cuddle) he whispered "i love you" in my ear :D Finally aha. He as of now is still getting used to saying it he says and he doesn't want to say it too often (before we'd say it numerous times a day which looking back does seem too much) but im okay with that because it surprises me now still when he says it out of nowhere :D

If I can give anyone advice if they're going through the same thing, I would absolutely stick with them (as long as they're willing to too). It was a very hard summer and I did cry alot but now we are like back in the honeymoon phase again and it's amazing :D

Thanks all for your advice in helping me through this difficult time, I appreciate it loads!

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I'm going through the same thing as you except my husband's depression is new to him. he was unaware of what he was experiencing for the last year to year and a half until june 9th (I found out that day). we are much more slow that you as a couple as he's still very snappish, irritable and seems to take it out on me as he has refused to communicate with his family. he has not returned their phone calls although he will return their texts. i have stayed by his side, but it's quite devastating since he's so different from the man i knew and married. his mood is not better and he's made very hurtful remarks towards me.

your story gives me hope but your man seems to have recovered at a much faster rate and it does not appear as though he's gotten therapy or medication? anyhow, I'm very happy for you and it does give me hope to know that your boyfriend can feel his love for you again. i hope he continues to improve.

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11 hours ago, ilovepuppies said:

I'm going through the same thing as you except my husband's depression is new to him. he was unaware of what he was experiencing for the last year to year and a half until june 9th (I found out that day). we are much more slow that you as a couple as he's still very snappish, irritable and seems to take it out on me as he has refused to communicate with his family. he has not returned their phone calls although he will return their texts. i have stayed by his side, but it's quite devastating since he's so different from the man i knew and married. his mood is not better and he's made very hurtful remarks towards me.

your story gives me hope but your man seems to have recovered at a much faster rate and it does not appear as though he's gotten therapy or medication? anyhow, I'm very happy for you and it does give me hope to know that your boyfriend can feel his love for you again. i hope he continues to improve.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm glad my story gives you some hope. My boyfriend isn't fully recovered as of yet either, he's currently going through alot of family stuff which happened mid July, so he does still have his moments of sadness. Just keep reminding yourself that whatever hurtful remarks your husband is saying, it isn't truly him, he probably won't see himself and his depression as a separate thing but just maybe try get a counsellor or someone involved, he might not approve but it could be better in the long term. Idk it's alot more of a difficult situation considering you're married and I hope with time he'll recover. The main thing that got me through was just holding onto hope that he'll return to how he was, and looking at the small signs of love/care that remained in him. 

Edited by karenf22
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I'm glad that your boyfriend told you that he loved you. It sounds like his condition is slightly improved. Since you both love each other, I'd encourage you to stick this out and continue supporting him ... but take care of yourself, too.

 I have been on both sides of the coin - I have been the depressed one. Then times where my boyfriend was the depressed one. Each of us are in treatment and are not depressed currently. When one of us is depressed, we express affection with each other. And then the well person goes on about their day.  It's hard but we are committed, we are in treatment, and we know things will change. 

I'm glad he's opening up to you. I wish you both the best. 

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