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I don't think I can hold back any longer


Atron

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I am so close to losing my sanity. I can't stand being me any more. I want to start over or just curl up away from everything.

I've been feeling myself go into a heavy downward spiral, I barely remember what I have done that day, I come home and do nothing. I live in a routine which I can't get out of. At times I even feel like I'm going to the toilet at the same times every day. I dwell on things that happened years ago and didn't even matter, I even feel embarrassed by thinking about it.

I can't deal with people anymore, I haven't had friends for years since I was ignored and stabbed in the back by people I thought were my friends and since then I have created a very negative and self destructive energy on myself. I just hate most people, it sounds bad but its what I feel.

I apologise for ranting, I just need an out because I'm going to lose my head at this rate.

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I know this feeling. Thank God it doesn't last long. Sometimes I just want to be locked up and everyone can forget about me. The dwelling too. God it eats away at you doesn't it? 

Can you try to do something that will have a positive result and help distract you from thinking about the past? Can you journal these feelings out, never to read again?

I hope you can move forward. :(

Natasha

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I'm new here, but I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm going crazy sitting in my room but the thought of leaving it? I have no desire to. I make no sense lol. 

Anyway, I don't have any advice just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  

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Perhaps it could help to remind yourself that a spiral goes both downward and upward. The spiral is yours and yours alone.

It's a metaphorical spiral and you can make it go any direction you want. Maybe it's easier than you think to change direction.

As for dwelling on the past remember a dwelling is home with many rooms. Find a basement or attic  to store those useless memories and close the metaphorical door. Lock and bolt the door if necessary. 

Metaphors are tools and anything is possible if you're clever and creative.

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7 hours ago, Natasha1 said:

I know this feeling. Thank God it doesn't last long. Sometimes I just want to be locked up and everyone can forget about me. The dwelling too. God it eats away at you doesn't it? 

Can you try to do something that will have a positive result and help distract you from thinking about the past? Can you journal these feelings out, never to read again?

I hope you can move forward. :(

Natasha

I've tried to do projects but I lose interest so fast it becomes worthless. The only thing I do that distracts me from my thoughts are videogames but that's just a part of my routine.

 

7 hours ago, Meems15 said:

I'm new here, but I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm going crazy sitting in my room but the thought of leaving it? I have no desire to. I make no sense lol. 

Anyway, I don't have any advice just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  

I haven't left my house (other than to work shop or go to the doctors) in months, I see it as trivial and pointless since I have no friends.

 

7 hours ago, Oscar K said:

Perhaps it could help to remind yourself that a spiral goes both downward and upward. The spiral is yours and yours alone.

It's a metaphorical spiral and you can make it go any direction you want. Maybe it's easier than you think to change direction.

As for dwelling on the past remember a dwelling is home with many rooms. Find a basement or attic  to store those useless memories and close the metaphorical door. Lock and bolt the door if necessary. 

Metaphors are tools and anything is possible if you're clever and creative.

I have tried to keep my memories at bay but they keep getting under the little gap under the door and sneaking up on me at in opportune times.

I want to forget but its hard....

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2 hours ago, Atron said:

I haven't left my house (other than to work shop or go to the doctors) in months, I see it as trivial and pointless since I have no friends.

I was in that situation for around seven years. If I hadn't started to force myself out daily I would still be there. Have you thought about finding a part-time job or some voluntary work just to have somewhere to go and give you a sense of purpose?

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2 hours ago, SenorDomino said:

I was in that situation for around seven years. If I hadn't started to force myself out daily I would still be there. Have you thought about finding a part-time job or some voluntary work just to have somewhere to go and give you a sense of purpose?

Like I said, I do have a FT job but it is boring and its one of the few times I go out.

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39 minutes ago, Atron said:

Like I said, I do have a FT job but it is boring and its one of the few times I go out.

Oh, whoops, my mistake. Well, ideally your job shouldn't be something you dread going to.

Granted, there is very little that actually is as it ideally should be and often it can be hard finding an alternative.

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6 hours ago, Atron said:

I've tried to do projects but I lose interest so fast it becomes worthless. The only thing I do that distracts me from my thoughts are videogames but that's just a part of my routine.

Even a simple 'routine' act can be spruced up so that it gives you an added feeling of purpose and achievement. Take a good look at what games you have. Are there any that you haven't completed? Perhaps you can make it a thing of this part of your routine being a more active mission to complete a certain game. Perhaps break up gameplay with a short walk in between or something like that. Or, if you're feeling brave and/or creative, perhaps you could find something else related to gaming as a new thing? For instance, writing reviews about ones you have played, or doing a twitch stream (which doesn't necessarily need to have you talking if you don't feel comfortable doing so)?

As for the dwelling on memories, have you tried mindfulness techniques such as meditation, breathing exercises, and self-awareness? They don't help everyone and all of this is easier said than done but hopefully some of this helps.

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20 minutes ago, ParaDoxiPaladin said:

Even a simple 'routine' act can be spruced up so that it gives you an added feeling of purpose and achievement. Take a good look at what games you have. Are there any that you haven't completed? Perhaps you can make it a thing of this part of your routine being a more active mission to complete a certain game. Perhaps break up gameplay with a short walk in between or something like that. Or, if you're feeling brave and/or creative, perhaps you could find something else related to gaming as a new thing? For instance, writing reviews about ones you have played, or doing a twitch stream (which doesn't necessarily need to have you talking if you don't feel comfortable doing so)?

As for the dwelling on memories, have you tried mindfulness techniques such as meditation, breathing exercises, and self-awareness? They don't help everyone and all of this is easier said than done but hopefully some of this helps.

Thanks for the ideas, I definitely know I need something to break up my routine even just a little.

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