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Does it Ever Get Any Easier?


Ambrer

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Hey, guys.

I mean...probably a stupid question, right? 

I just...I'm really struggling on my own recently. Parents just laugh and tease me about my disorders (depression and social + generalized anxiety disorders), think they're not real. I started to have fits due to stress a few weeks back and every time I stumble they laugh and go, "Oh, fits again?" They just...don't care. At all.

I leave this house in...101 days. But time has completely slowed down to a crawl. I don't have a social life anymore; and 99.9% of people I try and talk to ignore me for weeks on end. I just don't see the point in continuing to try and make myself move forward.

Doctor put my medication higher - 45mg of Mirtazapine to take nightly. The side effects are awful. But I need to give it a couple of weeks to see if my body adapts. 

I don't know. I just feel helpless. And so alone. I am going to University soon, moving halfway across the UK to escape my toxic environment. I'm just so scared of going.

Does it get any easier to control the symptoms? Does it ever stop enough so you can go out and live your life? Do you ever find friends? I'm 19, for goodness sake. But I just..I can't even order a coffee on my own. I feel absolutely useless and I ask myself on a daily basis how I study and keep up my cashier job. Some days I just want to hide under the checkout.

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Ambrer...I am so sorry to hear what you are feeling. As a parent of a depressed son I can tell you depression is real...very real..and nothing to laugh at. Until I was educated I may have felt the same way as your parents. After taking many classes on depression I realized that depression is not something a person can just "snap out of". There are days that are better but then the cloud comes again and my son retreats back into his room under the covers. It could be for weeks at a time. But eventually the cloud lifts and there are a few good days. Not enough days to work at a steady job or even complete his studies at this time. And during those dark times he too loses contact with many friends. 

I took classes through an organization called NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness). Possibly you can tell your parents about this organization. If not that organization there must be something similar in your area.   Also, if you go on their website possibly you can find a support group for your age. This way you can meet other people suffering with depression. Even if you just sit and listen and do not contribute if it is too hard to do.

Hopefully the medication you are on will start working...if not try to change medications before you leave for school. With what you are feeling at this time school may be difficult. Concentration and getting to classes may be the difficult part. That is what my son told me and that is why he stopped going at this time. Although it does sound like you may be happier being out of the house if no one is understanding what you are feeling. My recommendation to you is when you are settled at school go to the health center on campus and find a therapist there. Set up an appointment and keep a regular appointment with someone that you feel comfortable talking to. You will also need a therapist if you are going to continue medication while at school. Find out from the therapist if there are any support groups on campus that you can attend so you can meet others with the same condition and make some connections that way. Don't be afraid to do this... you cannot imagine how many other kids your age suffer the same way. What always looks happy on the outside is not always happy on the inside.

And last, have you had a complete physical to determine that what you are feeling is not caused by something else... for example low vitamin D, low thyroid levels, etc?   Sometimes these conditions can cause severe depression. I am sending a big hug your way. You sound like you do want to get better and if you can keep that little spark of wanting too you will find a way to help yourself.    

 

 

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Thanks for your reply. It's actually really comforting to hear something like this from a parent; despite it not actually being from my own.

I have had full tests on all of my vitamins, thyroids etc when I started having small epileptic fits. These fits have now calmed down and stopped; and the doctors could find nothing wrong with any of vitamin levels and stuff - they're happy that I'm okay.

I was seeing the therapist at the college I'm currently studying at (finishing up my Animal Management Diploma in order to move out and study a degree in Zoology) but they signed me off early as they figured I didn't need a therapist anymore. Since I'm leaving pretty soon, I don't want to look into a local therapist until I'm settled in at Uni. I was going to ask on my open days but parents were with me, so I'm going to have to wait until I get there in September.

It is..pretty exhausting. I just don't want to get up in the morning, and yet I have to. I have missed quite a lot of classes this year because I couldn't face getting ready and pretending to socialize with people in my class. I don't want to go to work, sit there and be yelled at by customers and then my boss. The only reason why I'm still doing it is because I have been warned that I will not be getting any support from my parents while I am in University. My Grandparents did step in at that point and said they'd make sure I didn't go into my overdraft (I'll still be in debt from maintenance loans and tuition.. £9000 a year, ow. £5000 per year for accommodation,....) but I don't really want to accept their help unless I really have to, they've done so much for me as it is.

I'm just feeling so alone. I don't really meet up with people anymore. Hell, I only use my voice box if I'm talking to my animals at home. I'm so sad I have to leave them while I go to University. At least parents promised to look after the Guinea Pigs, but my rabbit...she's got behavioral issues that I simply can't handle, and she has to be rehomed. It's making me feel worse as I feel like I've failed her, but...both her parents are aggressive and I've heard some rabbits just are that way. She'll be better off in a better home where she can have lots of space. At least my Guinea Pigs can stay.

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Hey Ambrer, just wanted to say that you asked a great question. When in a situation like this there's nothing more we want than to feel better, to be free of all this troubles and weight. I'm really sorry that your parents do not see the seriousness of what you're going through, but it's a good thing that at least you've got a diagnosis and know what specific issues you need to tackle. I hope they will soon come to understand your plight. 

I don't know if I'm saying anything of help, but I'm very much in the same situation as you, with the loneliness, helplessness and all. But I really want to comment on how brave you are that you're what, moving a great distance from home to attend university? It is a great choice and I think starting afresh will be very beneficial for you, because it calls for new changes to be made. I'm hoping that I can be as courageous as you to take that huge step :)

I guess, look at university as an opportunity for you to find good friends, participate in all sorts of activities you are passionate about, learn and accomplish many many things. Try everything that you've dreamed of, hold nothing back. Most importantly, look to creating a fulfilling life for yourself, balancing work with play, forging strong relationships, and believing in yourself all the time :) It may be challenging, but whoosh, I deliver my own share of determination and willpower to you, you will be able to do it. :) wishing you the very best!

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I hope you're right, I just feel totally...powerless and useless right now. 

Just...one day at a time. Actually, at the moment, it's more like an hour at a time.

I am excited to get out of the house and start University, but...parents keep taunting me, saying they'll have to pull me out within a month. It's not helping my nerves.

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Hi Amber.  Welcome to forum.  I hope you stick around and read through some of the other posts on here.  I'm always glad to see people offering their hope.  What a tough question you have asked.  Does it ever get better?  I am sure so much goes into that answer, that expecting a solid and visible yes or no would be incredibly difficult.  My experience has been quite unique, and I have been plagued with many problems over the years.  I am sorry about your parents, I think people who mock depression just have no idea.  I once worked for someone, who didn't believe in my depression.  A few years down the road, his daughter was killed by a drunk driver.  He had to walk through that muck, and it wasn't till then he could understand the feelings that I had.  I would say, if you are really depressed, and you don't deal with it now, it has a good chance to get worse.  Not to scare you or put any kind of hopelessness into it.  I used drugs and violence to deal with my depression for many years.  And it worked for a long time.  But in the end I had to lose a lot more, and if I would have just chose to deal with it in a healthy way maybe I wouldn't have had to lose so much.  My biggest piece of advice to your question then, is to really try and be proactive to handle this now before you give it a chance to get worse.  Going to school should offer a great experience for you.  It may be hard at times, but I think you should focus and be patient till you go.  My favorite thing to do to the people that hurt me and doubt me, is to prove them wrong.  And living moment to moment can be difficult, but a very effective.  A part of that is being mindful.  Mindfulness is a technique that I have learned from therapy.  If you ever want to talk, just join the chat or pm me :)

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Hello Amber,

It does get better! 

I have been in some very bad mental states, and slowly but surely I have worked myself out. Sometimes I relapse, but I always know that eventually, I will get bette.r  

My parents also weren't very good about sympathizing with my depression and anxiety. I think they thought it was just a "teenage" hormonal thing and that I would grow out of it. Now that I am a bit older and still having these problems, they take it more seriously - especially when I talk about it matter-of-factly. In the long run, it doesn't matter what they think. You're having difficulties and working to fix them - and that is a good thing! However, once they start appreciating you as an independent individual, they might be more sympathetic. 

Don't be scared of University! You will find lots of people like you. Also, University environments tend to have good mental health support systems. I would use those as they are available to you. If you have performance anxiety like I do, you can compensate with the way you study. I always study so that I can ace my practice exams while drunk. That way, when I am anxious and not thinking straight, I know I can still perform. 

You will find friends. Just remember that friendship doesn't always look like it does in the movies. I somehow thought I would have a best-girl friend who I could tell everything to and do silly things with and be completely comfortable. I thought there was something wrong with me when I wasn't achieving this. I saw lots of other girls in these sorts of friendships and would always get a bit jealous and downtrodden. I would see these large girl cliques that would all party together and go out all of the time, and they looked really close - most of these relationships didn't last long beyond college or even throughout college and were not as wonderful as I had imagined as an outsider. 

I have found though that I DO have meaningful male and female friendships. They just don't take that stereotypical form. I may not see them frequently, with some of them I have deep conversations, with others I am a bit more silly. I know that they like and support me, and for me, that is sufficient. I mistook a lot of good friendships for casual acquaintances, and undermined their value for a while, which was a huge mistake. 

Don't underestimate how large life-changes (even ones you are excited about) may affect your physical and mental health. Perhaps your upcoming move to University is making you nervous. The summer before I started college, I was so stressed that I developed a temporary (but embarrassing) incontinence issue... Ride through the change and as you start to swim you will notice that it gets better! 

Best of wishes, and keep us updated! We are all rooting for you! It does get better!

 

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Hi Amber,

University will be a great way to meet people that cares about you and who you are genuinely! What I realized the past 2 months is that even if I had the perfect life, perfect family, and perfect upbringing, not everyone is going to like who I am so I should accept myself for who I am, with all my positive and negative experiences. Because the truth is, there are a lot of people in this world and a lot of them are caring and supportive and will be there for you. My parents are not supportive at all but I'm lucky to have great coworkers. I think you'll be able to find a tight supportive network once you are in university. I made great friends from my university days. There are a few of them but quality over quantity. :)

Also, whatever feelings you go through, good or bad, just remember that you are amazing just who you are. Don't discount your abilities, don't let your symptoms get you down even more. I heard a great prof mentioned once that you are more than your symptoms and diagnosis, it's just one part of who you are. It's not your entire being, just a part, like your interests, your skills, your personality and etc. There will be setbacks here and there but that's a very normal progression during the path of healing. The most important thing is to not let the setback get to you, just know that it's normal and the most important thing is not to lose your focus/goal in moving forward and getting better. That is my goal too. We are much stronger than we think or believe we are. 

All the best. :)

 

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8 hours ago, Ambrer said:
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Hey, guys.

I mean...probably a stupid question, right? 

I just...I'm really struggling on my own recently. Parents just laugh and tease me about my disorders (depression and social + generalized anxiety disorders), think they're not real. I started to have fits due to stress a few weeks back and every time I stumble they laugh and go, "Oh, fits again?" They just...don't care. At all.

I leave this house in...101 days. But time has completely slowed down to a crawl. I don't have a social life anymore; and 99.9% of people I try and talk to ignore me for weeks on end. I just don't see the point in continuing to try and make myself move forward.

Doctor put my medication higher - 45mg of Mirtazapine to take nightly. The side effects are awful. But I need to give it a couple of weeks to see if my body adapts. 

I don't know. I just feel helpless. And so alone. I am going to University soon, moving halfway across the UK to escape my toxic environment. I'm just so scared of going.

Does it get any easier to control the symptoms? Does it ever stop enough so you can go out and live your life? Do you ever find friends? I'm 19, for goodness sake. But I just..I can't even order a coffee on my own. I feel absolutely useless and I ask myself on a daily basis how I study and keep up my cashier job. Some days I just want to hide under the checkout.

Ambrer,

Yes.  It does get easier.  At times.  Patterns are all over the board.  But most people--I would say the vast majority probably--experience definite improvements.  The periods for good and bad times vary.  It's pretty common to come back again, although not for everyone.

Depression, partly because it is so absorbing, creates the illusion that it'll never feel different and will always feel the same or worse.  It's an illusion though.  Things change.  Mood changes.  It isn't forever.  You have something tremendously exciting to look forward to.  It may require some work and exercising some courage to push yourself a bit, but some of that is gong to also come naturally in a university setting.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  This is a pretty common expereince.

I do hate to hear that your parents have taken an attitude that sounds dismissive at best and mocking at worst.  I understand why you're looking forward to leaving.

I first experienced real depression during my second semester of university in the US.  It was pretty intense.  I got on some prozac and gradually got over it with the passing of time, the arrival of spring and finding a lot of satisfaction in what I was doing.  Don't expect everything to be perfect overnight.  But you have much to hope and look forward to (I'm a bit jealous).  

re:  "99.9% of people I try and talk to ignore me for weeks on end."  

That's not fun.  Not sure what's going on there.  When we're feeling really terrible, it can't help be come out at lest somewhat in the way we present ourselves (this is NOT to say that others can see right through us though, and we should remind ourselves not to compare our insides to the external facade that everyone puts on even if they might be feeling similarly).

And this would be my advice to you.  Seek out like-minded people who either can understand and empathize and/or have experienced this themselves.  That's what you're doing here, and notice that people aren't ignoring you and aren't the least bit put off by your experience.  A lot of these people will be on the university campus too, it's just a matter of taking time to find and engage in conversations with them.  But universities are perfect for this.  Ask others about their experience - what the toughest challenges in their life have been, have they ever experienced depression and anxiety, etc.  Over time, you'll find that rare is the person who hasn't.  This increases of course as people get older.  I read recently that it is an extremely high percentage of people who at some point(s) in their lives have felt so depressed that they at least had thoughts of su*cide.  And this seems intuitive to me.  Life is hard and we experience pain.  But I am confident in telling you that, while their may be difficulties in school and you may at times still feel isolated, try not to compare yourself to everyone else's outsides (you don't know their inner pain, but try to get to know it with some of them).  Be friends with people who are kind, empathetic, supportive, and whom you may be able to help, and you have a ton to look forward to.  I'm betting you'll find it intellectually stimulating too.

Do you know what you'll be studying?  Majoring on?

You could also seek out (or even form) a depression/anxiety support group, although your university and the surrounding community will no doubt have options for this, and the office of counseling can probably provide information.  

And keep posting here.

 

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6 hours ago, Ambrer said:

Thanks for your reply. It's actually really comforting to hear something like this from a parent; despite it not actually being from my own.

I have had full tests on all of my vitamins, thyroids etc when I started having small epileptic fits. These fits have now calmed down and stopped; and the doctors could find nothing wrong with any of vitamin levels and stuff - they're happy that I'm okay.

I was seeing the therapist at the college I'm currently studying at (finishing up my Animal Management Diploma in order to move out and study a degree in Zoology) but they signed me off early as they figured I didn't need a therapist anymore. Since I'm leaving pretty soon, I don't want to look into a local therapist until I'm settled in at Uni. I was going to ask on my open days but parents were with me, so I'm going to have to wait until I get there in September.

It is..pretty exhausting. I just don't want to get up in the morning, and yet I have to. I have missed quite a lot of classes this year because I couldn't face getting ready and pretending to socialize with people in my class. I don't want to go to work, sit there and be yelled at by customers and then my boss. The only reason why I'm still doing it is because I have been warned that I will not be getting any support from my parents while I am in University. My Grandparents did step in at that point and said they'd make sure I didn't go into my overdraft (I'll still be in debt from maintenance loans and tuition.. £9000 a year, ow. £5000 per year for accommodation,....) but I don't really want to accept their help unless I really have to, they've done so much for me as it is.

I'm just feeling so alone. I don't really meet up with people anymore. Hell, I only use my voice box if I'm talking to my animals at home. I'm so sad I have to leave them while I go to University. At least parents promised to look after the Guinea Pigs, but my rabbit...she's got behavioral issues that I simply can't handle, and she has to be rehomed. It's making me feel worse as I feel like I've failed her, but...both her parents are aggressive and I've heard some rabbits just are that way. She'll be better off in a better home where she can have lots of space. At least my Guinea Pigs can stay.

The isolation can be bad.  

"It is..pretty exhausting. I just don't want to get up in the morning, and yet I have to. I have missed quite a lot of classes this year because I couldn't face getting ready and pretending to socialize with people in my class."

I felt exactly the same way in college.  Somehow I made myself wake up in a fog and stumble around like a zombie and keep going to class most of the time.  I had to, to keep a scholarship, which was tough, but probably good for me - it was at least something I could pour myself into and focus on that was productive.  But that semester, I remember reading and re-reading assignments and not retaining it.  My mind was just a fog of rumination.  

The Animal Management and Zoology sounds quite interesting and I would think somewhat therapeutic though.  It sounds like you want to find social outlets, and you will.  Give yourself some time.  Feel free to pick your spots.  Remember that while it may not look like it, A LOT of people struggle with this (and it gets harder after school).  But your chances of finding and making some very meaningful friends are extremely high.  If you can manage the anxiety and open yourself up to new acquaintances.

Social media these days, it seems to me if used carefully and strategically can be an asset here in that you can identify and find people with similar interest across a wide spectrum of domains, and make contact initially virtually and then casually in low-pressure situations.   There are anxiety support groups from a lot of sources, including MeetUp if you have that in the UK.

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Oh, um...I'll be majoring in Zoology, hopefully, when I graduate in 3 years time. I chose Manchester because, out of all the places that did Zoology, Manchester is where my best friend lives. She's..more like my sister, actually. We usually text one another, but seeing each other face to face is pretty tough as we live 3 hours apart. I think she's more excited than me at the fact I'll be moving up there soon!

Zoology is important, as I want to take my love for animals further and work with them one day. I'd love to specialize in Guinea Pigs, but then; I'd also settle for a Zoo-keeping Job.

It's so tough being on my own for most of the time. I literally talk to my Guinea Pig, Smudge. Been through a lot together in the year that I've had her, and she is an amazing little piggie. She's got a deformed food and has suffered through many vet treatments and procedures, but she's always willing to purr and nuzzle herself into my neck. She just...knows. And that is why animals are better than people. (When I graduate and get my own place, a dog is at the top of the list!)

I am looking forward to getting out of here. It's just focusing on getting through each day as it comes. My parents are becoming worse in terms of the mental and verbal abuse, sometimes leaking into physical abuse. Since I'm over 18 now, I can't report them to the authorities. Despite how they treat me...I don't think I could ever see them get in trouble. You could say I'm too nice for my own good. 

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4 hours ago, Ambrer said:

I hope you're right, I just feel totally...powerless and useless right now. 

Just...one day at a time. Actually, at the moment, it's more like an hour at a time.

I am excited to get out of the house and start University, but...parents keep taunting me, saying they'll have to pull me out within a month. It's not helping my nerves.

I don't mean any offense, but your parents sound like dirtbags on this.

Is there any social media forum for your new university you could begin availing yourself of already.  I guarantee you there are others feeling nearly exactly the same as you.  You don't have to limit yourself only to other people struggling with depression (in fact I recommend you don't), but the bond of empathy and support can be an excellent foundation and you can quite plausibly help each other.

I'm not sure how long you've been at your current college, and it sounds like you commute (live at home).  But still, who will you miss?  Who have you gotten to know who you like or would like hanging out with?  If you can think of anyone, try to get some time hanging out with them over coffee or whatever, before you leave.  Its nice to have friends in different places.  

I am more socially withdrawn now than I was in college, law school or my early career.  So I still have to make efforts, and on balance, I'd rather be alone, with my family, or talking to a very small group of friends, who I don't see much, because most of them now live out of state.  But still, social interaction is important and sometimes I do catch myself enjoying it.

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4 minutes ago, Ambrer said:

Oh, um...I'll be majoring in Zoology, hopefully, when I graduate in 3 years time. I chose Manchester because, out of all the places that did Zoology, Manchester is where my best friend lives. She's..more like my sister, actually. We usually text one another, but seeing each other face to face is pretty tough as we live 3 hours apart. I think she's more excited than me at the fact I'll be moving up there soon!

Zoology is important, as I want to take my love for animals further and work with them one day. I'd love to specialize in Guinea Pigs, but then; I'd also settle for a Zoo-keeping Job.

It's so tough being on my own for most of the time. I literally talk to my Guinea Pig, Smudge. Been through a lot together in the year that I've had her, and she is an amazing little piggie. She's got a deformed food and has suffered through many vet treatments and procedures, but she's always willing to purr and nuzzle herself into my neck. She just...knows. And that is why animals are better than people. (When I graduate and get my own place, a dog is at the top of the list!)

I am looking forward to getting out of here. It's just focusing on getting through each day as it comes. My parents are becoming worse in terms of the mental and verbal abuse, sometimes leaking into physical abuse. Since I'm over 18 now, I can't report them to the authorities. Despite how they treat me...I don't think I could ever see them get in trouble. You could say I'm too nice for my own good. 

Ah, so that's great!  You'll be moving close to your best friend.  That sounds very big.

I have a friend like that, who I talk to by phone all the time (usually in the car these days).  He unfortunately doesn't text much, which annoys me, but oh well.

I understand the situation with your parents might be very tricky, especially if you live there and are at an age where you're likely to still be depending on them for some time to come.  And I don't know the laws in the UK.  I was a lawyer here in the US.  But if someone is physically abusing you, that's still an assault and battery, and it makes no difference what age you are, it's both a crime and a civil wrong (a tort) for which they can be liable.  You should know that.  And it's wrong.  And they're dirtbags for doing it.  I'm glad you'll be leaving that environment soon.  I hope they regret their deplorable behavior.    It sounds like you're both getting through school and working.  What more could anyone hope for or expect from themselves even if they were perfectly healthy?  

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42 minutes ago, gandolfication said:

Ah, so that's great!  You'll be moving close to your best friend.  That sounds very big.

I have a friend like that, who I talk to by phone all the time (usually in the car these days).  He unfortunately doesn't text much, which annoys me, but oh well.

I understand the situation with your parents might be very tricky, especially if you live there and are at an age where you're likely to still be depending on them for some time to come.  And I don't know the laws in the UK.  I was a lawyer here in the US.  But if someone is physically abusing you, that's still an assault and battery, and it makes no difference what age you are, it's both a crime and a civil wrong (a tort) for which they can be liable.  You should know that.  And it's wrong.  And they're dirtbags for doing it.  I'm glad you'll be leaving that environment soon.  I hope they regret their deplorable behavior.    It sounds like you're both getting through school and working.  What more could anyone hope for or expect from themselves even if they were perfectly healthy?  

It's massive! I'm so excited. I have a secret feeling that she's hoarding some house-warming (more like room warming..) supplies as well as some basic food that she's writing down to help me out when I first move in, bless her.

Sadly, it's mainly the verbal and mental abuse which is a lot harder to prove it's happening *sigh* I just wish that...you know, they weren't like this.

It's not enough for my parents that I'm studying and working. I do most of the housework, plus my studies and job, at the same time. If I don't meet their demands, I have to let my coursework suffer until I've finished their list of demands for me. They've actually stopped me going to work until I meet their demands, too. It's so stupid. It's things like cleaning my room, dusting + hoovering the whole house, clean out my brother's  fish, tidy all the rooms...I only live in my bedroom and they sit there on their phones and watch it all.

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6 hours ago, 7bparker said:

Hi, I know these feelings! It feels like there is an empty, void body. I researched several articles and found this website to be very helpful! The teachings brought a sense of life to me. I also find it helpful to get involved in helping others. It takes my mind of me! http://bit.ly/1QDovyY   

I would help others...I want to. I just think that...my methods of self-help are non existent, and my SAD really affects how I can talk and interact with people. I'll have to give that website a read, though!

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I just want to give you a big hug and make it all better:) I wish it was that easy..I think the worst thing about depression is that.. they just don't get it and call us losers or freeks but as far as I can see they are the losers.we can see the world as it really is and thats what makes us special and better than the rest of the "cool" world.I can't stand my family either I would love to hop in a car right now and drive away for good..I think it will all work out for us,so I'm going to stick around for now..

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On 6/2/2016 at 4:05 AM, Ambrer said:
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Hey, guys.

I mean...probably a stupid question, right? 

I just...I'm really struggling on my own recently. Parents just laugh and tease me about my disorders (depression and social + generalized anxiety disorders), think they're not real. I started to have fits due to stress a few weeks back and every time I stumble they laugh and go, "Oh, fits again?" They just...don't care. At all.

I leave this house in...101 days. But time has completely slowed down to a crawl. I don't have a social life anymore; and 99.9% of people I try and talk to ignore me for weeks on end. I just don't see the point in continuing to try and make myself move forward.

Doctor put my medication higher - 45mg of Mirtazapine to take nightly. The side effects are awful. But I need to give it a couple of weeks to see if my body adapts. 

I don't know. I just feel helpless. And so alone. I am going to University soon, moving halfway across the UK to escape my toxic environment. I'm just so scared of going.

Does it get any easier to control the symptoms? Does it ever stop enough so you can go out and live your life? Do you ever find friends? I'm 19, for goodness sake. But I just..I can't even order a coffee on my own. I feel absolutely useless and I ask myself on a daily basis how I study and keep up my cashier job. Some days I just want to hide under the checkout.

Ambrer,

It's hopefuless for 101 days. But you're almost there. I remember when I was 16 I wanted to leave my toxic home too. I was so damn happy when I packed all my crap and went to college. It's nerve wrecking but, imagine you will finally be free. soon you will find yourself unpacking somewhere and looking around, like this is the start of my life. You just have to be cautious with yourself and what I mean is with your heart and your mentality. Going to college is a big step, its where you will learn about yourself. You will be able to ask and answer 'who am I?'

you'll not only be able to order coffee you will find you can do so many things you didn't even know you could do. You will definitely make friends, but make good friends bc sometimes those are the ones that will be your friends for life. and be careful with relationships too, don't lower your standards for anyone- trust me in college and even know (I' 34) i dated guys just because or because i thought i could change them or because i didn't care enough about myself to be treated right. you will be on your own and the last thing you need is people bringing you down, you dont need those bad experiences. prioritize you and thats with life, relationships, and even family. soon it will be your turn to live the life you want and it'll be your time to shine. freedom is such a sweet thing, its like finding yourself in the middle of street feeling the fresh rain hitting your skin for the first time. i don't know how to explain it but you're almost there! and yes, you can do it. look you're 19 and look at what you're going through and what you've managed to get through, you work and study and are going to college soon. you're doing it, but you haven't noticed it yet. i have faith in your efforts. youve made it this far!

about the meds, yes most meds take 6-8 weeks to kick in but sadly the side effects will always be there. my bad side effect was severe jaw clenching and I have borderline serotonin syndrom side effects with Celexa. if at the 8th week you feel terrible, switch. if the symptoms are too much and you cant make it that far, switch. its such a shot in the dark with these things.

i will tell you also that Wellbutrin aged me like in one week. so I stopped that. Its always about trying different things. your body will tell you which one is right.

Edited by ejc
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15 hours ago, skaterdude69 said:

I just want to give you a big hug and make it all better:) I wish it was that easy..I think the worst thing about depression is that.. they just don't get it and call us losers or freeks but as far as I can see they are the losers.we can see the world as it really is and thats what makes us special and better than the rest of the "cool" world.I can't stand my family either I would love to hop in a car right now and drive away for good..I think it will all work out for us,so I'm going to stick around for now..

Exactly. Parents came home from a holiday last night (I didn't go as going away with them causes me major mental health relapses) and they decided they wanted to go out for dinner. Sure, but I had had an allergic reaction after accidentally consuming honey (I'm allergic) and they then decided to get mad at me because I didn't want anything to eat and made me order a burger. THEN they proceed to go on about how fat I am and how you can see how much weight I've gained in my face? 

Please stick around. Everyone here is lovely.

10 hours ago, ejc said:

Ambrer,

It's hopefuless for 101 days. But you're almost there. I remember when I was 16 I wanted to leave my toxic home too. I was so damn happy when I packed all my crap and went to college. It's nerve wrecking but, imagine you will finally be free. soon you will find yourself unpacking somewhere and looking around, like this is the start of my life. You just have to be cautious with yourself and what I mean is with your heart and your mentality. Going to college is a big step, its where you will learn about yourself. You will be able to ask and answer 'who am I?'

you'll not only be able to order coffee you will find you can do so many things you didn't even know you could do. You will definitely make friends, but make good friends bc sometimes those are the ones that will be your friends for life. and be careful with relationships too, don't lower your standards for anyone- trust me in college and even know (I' 34) i dated guys just because or because i thought i could change them or because i didn't care enough about myself to be treated right. you will be on your own and the last thing you need is people bringing you down, you dont need those bad experiences. prioritize you and thats with life, relationships, and even family. soon it will be your turn to live the life you want and it'll be your time to shine. freedom is such a sweet thing, its like finding yourself in the middle of street feeling the fresh rain hitting your skin for the first time. i don't know how to explain it but you're almost there! and yes, you can do it. look you're 19 and look at what you're going through and what you've managed to get through, you work and study and are going to college soon. you're doing it, but you haven't noticed it yet. i have faith in your efforts. youve made it this far!

about the meds, yes most meds take 6-8 weeks to kick in but sadly the side effects will always be there. my bad side effect was severe jaw clenching and I have borderline serotonin syndrom side effects with Celexa. if at the 8th week you feel terrible, switch. if the symptoms are too much and you cant make it that far, switch. its such a shot in the dark with these things.

i will tell you also that Wellbutrin aged me like in one week. so I stopped that. Its always about trying different things. your body will tell you which one is right.

I'm getting happy when I look at my little app on my phone that counts down the days - every time I see that figure tick down to another day less, or hit a milestone - I hit double digits a couple of days ago - it makes me hopeful that I will get out of here. I'm almost there - I'm just finishing up loose ends with coursework over the next 3 weeks, then I will be free for the summer. The plan is from there to work the days my parents are home, and give myself a break when they're not home. Get as much money in the account as possible - I have to quit working weekends and move my shifts to weeknights as parents want me to keep weekends clear for coming home. (Byah! I'm only going to come home to see my Guinea Pigs; I WISH I could take them! And Christmas and other holidays, because no way am I planning to come home frequently.) I might not be able to keep the job either but they're doing their best to arrange a transfer.

Haha! Ever since me and my ex crashed and burned after 3 years (It was going to happen...19 and I still don't feel for anything..."physical" and turns out he was a right t*at! Never could be bothered to see me and never talked to me either, I was stupid for not seeing it quicker) and if I want a relationship I want a companion that loves video games, anime, conventions and animals as much as I do! When I graduate in 3 years time and move out, a dog is the first thing on the to-do list. That way I'd have a best friend for life. Thank you though! My SAD and GAD really affects relationships and I'm happier on my own at the moment; I need to work through my own demons before taking on anyone else and dragging them down with me.

Taking it slow and steady with the dose. Will have to take tonight's dose pretty early so I don't struggle to get up again! Apart from making me slightly physically ill and really tired, I don't seem to have too many problems.

10 hours ago, long journey said:

You sound like a sweetheart. I think your big heart will help you find good people. Trust your instincts. Don't let anyone mistreat you when you're out on your own.

Oh my goodness, no, shushhhhh! I am not a sweetheart! I do have a big heart, yes, but it often gets me into trouble as I care WAY too much. To be honest at Uni I'm just planning on finding a gaming buddy as I'm taking my consoles :P

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21 hours ago, standup said:

 

Well, Amber, things look to be headed in the right direction for you! That's a good place to be. I'm glad for you....You've recognized the problem(s), you've taken and are taking active steps to address it/ them, and you are committed to gaining a deeper understanding of depression and of yourself.

You are doing well, considering the circumstances. You are doing all you can do. You can feel good about that.

 

I guess so. To be honest, to me, it really doesn't feel like I'm doing all that much. I'm just doing what's expected of me most days, when the reality is, I just want to hide away in bed or in my room and not do anything.

Bad day today, I guess. Parents been down my back all day and I guess...pushed back down a few pegs.

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