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zdude954

this is scaring me but here goes

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This is scaring me to say this but this is about the safest place I can think of to say this out loud without be judged to badly. I hope that it makes me feel less nervous to feel this way, if one says anything that's cool I wanted try and say it. So here goes I love transgender women, I love everything about you. I have never been attracted to men, I have been with a man just to see. It was ok but I never felt satisfied after being with him. So because I was never truly satisfied with a man I would not say bisexual, I liked heteroflexible I fit best under that. But here the past year I have really, really started to like transgender women, I don't know if its because they can check off both boxes under the heteroflexible definition or what. But it's leaving with confused feelings inside. For the longest time I thought I was one way, but to all of a sudden thinking something else. I am not ashamed of it but I am scared to say it out loud, even thought people are being less judgmental. But there are still so many people that are, that is what makes me afraid to say it out loud yet. But just like everything else I am afraid to go after something I want because I hate myself, I hate the way look, I hate what I have done, I just hate my life. So why would anyone want to be with me, or say they know me. Well I have said what I wanted to say now comes the scariest part of all pressing submit, I am so nervous.

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You should say or not say what you most feel comfortable in saying.  If you feel like it should be private bc when it really comes down to its between you and the person you like so be it. 

I know it's apples and oranges, but I talked to my counselor today about me not wanting to talk openly about my depression in my line of work, we do mental health awareness outreach.. I felt ashamed and hypocritical.. But she said, there's nothing wrong with keeping your life private. It is up to you to draw boundary lines about what you feel is ok to talk about or not. 

So, feel what you feel and if you're not ready to sing it to the world, that's ok. You don't have to or you can if you ever want to

and y s, many people suck bc they're ignorant, didn't do crap with their lives, are insecure, and got rejected at spin the bottle or didn't get invited to he prom. Everyone else moved on to bigger and better things and they staid in the heir small town... So they hate themselves and they try to drag everyone else down too. Smh. Pffffffttttt whatever you lame a$$ people . 

You should be here in San Francisco. If it wasn't so expensive (thanks Silicon Valley google Hipsters) you'd like it here, people are more educated and progressive. 

.... Is the self loathing bc of what you feel or is it separate from that? For me it's both inner and situational.  :console: 

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As with all people, you should be free to choose what you like about people and what you don't, my best guess at the reason to why you find them attractive is because you see that they were not happy with themselves and went out and did something about it and you are looking for someone to help you do the same. Of course this is just a theory.

Back on topic, I understand your reasons for not wanting to say it out loud which are understandable. As accepting as society is we aren't done yet and you fear judgment, to me, people are into what they are into, my not being into the same thing shouldn't change your opinion.

I hope you find who you are looking for someday.

-Chris

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You should be allowed to be who you are, but the problem is that you don't allow yourself to believe that being allowed to be you, that being allowed to think what you want to think, and do what you want to do is alright, but it is. There's so much for you to do, and you should be able to enjoy being yourself. Everyone can be judgmental at times, but the same ways others judge you is also the way we think of others at times: As long as we accept ourselves and find someone who is right for us, we are allowed to be who want to be.

There's nothing wrong with liking transgender women:These people can be awesome people and seeing as they just see people as humans and not really divide them up into genders, its definitely a good thing if you get to know some of them and see how relaxed, how non-gender biased they can be and how fun they can be to hang out with or to love .

I know its kind of scary to submit your thoughts, but then again thats how it is with most issues that are bugging you. However, listening to other people help you out and knowing that you'll always have us to be your pillars will definitely help. We are your pillars! 

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10 hours ago, ejc said:

You should say or not say what you most feel comfortable in saying.  If you feel like it should be private bc when it really comes down to its between you and the person you like so be it. 

I know it's apples and oranges, but I talked to my counselor today about me not wanting to talk openly about my depression in my line of work, we do mental health awareness outreach.. I felt ashamed and hypocritical.. But she said, there's nothing wrong with keeping your life private. It is up to you to draw boundary lines about what you feel is ok to talk about or not. 

So, feel what you feel and if you're not ready to sing it to the world, that's ok. You don't have to or you can if you ever want to

and y s, many people suck bc they're ignorant, didn't do crap with their lives, are insecure, and got rejected at spin the bottle or didn't get invited to he prom. Everyone else moved on to bigger and better things and they staid in the heir small town... So they hate themselves and they try to drag everyone else down too. Smh. Pffffffttttt whatever you lame a$$ people . 

You should be here in San Francisco. If it wasn't so expensive (thanks Silicon Valley google Hipsters) you'd like it here, people are more educated and progressive. 

.... Is the self loathing bc of what you feel or is it separate from that? For me it's both inner and situational.  :console: 

Starting off no I would not like San Francisco, I do not like big city's they scare me. If it takes more then 25 minutes to go from edge to edge I don't like it. The people in the city that's a different story, the people I may like but the city it's self no. I feel the answer is No, the self-hatred is not because of the way I feel. I just hate my life. I have never been comfortable with what I look like. 

10 hours ago, Atron said:

As with all people, you should be free to choose what you like about people and what you don't, my best guess at the reason to why you find them attractive is because you see that they were not happy with themselves and went out and did something about it and you are looking for someone to help you do the same. Of course this is just a theory.

Back on topic, I understand your reasons for not wanting to say it out loud which are understandable. As accepting as society is we aren't done yet and you fear judgment, to me, people are into what they are into, my not being into the same thing shouldn't change your opinion.

I hope you find who you are looking for someday.

-Chris

I feel your theory, is not 100 percent wrong but I feel it's not correct. I really like (how do I say it with sounding dumb or stupid) pre-op Transgender females. Don't get me wrong I still love and am attracted to women. But I don't know why but I really am getting more and more attracted to pre-op Transgender females. Well being judged/bullied most of your whole life you instantly fear what someone will say about you or your ideas. Thanks for having hope, I am glad to see someone does because I don't anymore. After being abandoned by people that say they love you and being used by someone who says they love you. Love as been the mask of pain and suffering for so long it makes it scary to try and get it. That's what i want most of all in this world to be loved. But I have given up I am now just surviving not living.

9 hours ago, Hairpy Burpday said:

You should be allowed to be who you are, but the problem is that you don't allow yourself to believe that being allowed to be you, that being allowed to think what you want to think, and do what you want to do is alright, but it is. There's so much for you to do, and you should be able to enjoy being yourself. Everyone can be judgmental at times, but the same ways others judge you is also the way we think of others at times: As long as we accept ourselves and find someone who is right for us, we are allowed to be who want to be.

There's nothing wrong with liking transgender women:These people can be awesome people and seeing as they just see people as humans and not really divide them up into genders, its definitely a good thing if you get to know some of them and see how relaxed, how non-gender biased they can be and how fun they can be to hang out with or to love .

I know its kind of scary to submit your thoughts, but then again thats how it is with most issues that are bugging you. However, listening to other people help you out and knowing that you'll always have us to be your pillars will definitely help. We are your pillars! 

Thanks but I just don't know how too.

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I'm sure you aren't the only one who has thoughts they only share here. I for example recently posted about my violent thoughts. I too did not explain in full for fear of judgment but I want to have that courage to say what is on my mind. It isn't easy to say these types of things but it will help to get it off your chest. I hope after reading the positive comments left here that you feel safe here and you should have a little pride that you were able to do this. I hope that you can see how supportive this community is.

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I take some pride that I was able to say it "out loud". But nothing changes the only thing that changed is I said it "out loud" I feel no different, I don't know what I expected to happen. But now by bringing it to light all it did was raise more questions.  Questions I could say out loud but none of you can answer, ok well there are a few that can be helped with but I need to come to the answers myself. Like how long have I truly been hiding this from myself? I remember  being like 15-16 and seeing my first prono with a Transgender women, I was not turned off I was more intrigued. Then after a few more the same year and I was becoming turned on by what I was seeing. But it left me feeling every confused because I like and am attracted to women. So I just remember being confused on what it meant. To be truthful I still don't know what to feel about it or what to think. Till you've done been there and done that your very scared. Well it does not help my anxiety runs at full throttle when I am with someone, man or women it runs the show till I get comfortable with them and even then it still runs the show. It has taken as little as 2 months or with the case of the guy it was with 6 months. It got to the point where they kind of forced me to make the fist move. So I expect it to be the same with them too. With my relationship history mixed with my anxiety, I am just so afraid to be in one. A friend told me not to be afraid because it just gives me more people to love and want to be with physical with and emotional with. Which he is not wrong he is right, but so many what if's come rushing to me.

All it's doing is leaving scared and confused on what path I need to follow what door needs to be opened.

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