Depression replaced by anhedonia

[out_of_step]

*trigger warning*

So I had a bit of a tough year last year with my depression, in that it got a little too dramatic and I was cycling up and down, with terrible lows and manic highs. I seem to have pulled myself through it all and although I am no longer actively suicidal I feel like I have no enjoyment in life at all. Everything bores me, I can't concentrate (or maybe just don't want to), I can't focus or complete any tasks because I just don't care. I feel ambivalent about surviving, not because I feel miserable, but because I feel nothing. I almost miss the lows I got to last year, purely because life felt exciting and meaningful, even as I was chucking it away. I very much romanticise how things were because for once I actually felt overwhelmed with emotion, whereas now I feel like I am actually dead inside - without trying to sound too trite. I have bpd and when I feel too 'normal' I feel bored but I don't really know what to do about it. I don't have any interest in doing anything anymore, not even anything self destructive (although I wish that I did because at least that would be something). I don't know if anyone else can share their thoughts with me? I feel so lost, like I'm just treading water. This isn't living :(

[no good relationship]

oh yeah is this fun now i know excactly how you feel although i don't have the energy to do anything even if i wanted the 2 thing i do when i can i play my guitar and love watching my dog cooper chew his bone something about that but at least i dont have a tv bill or internett bundle package i could look at naked women and it actually disgusts me im not gay i can look at the wall for hours if i won the lottery i dont play it okay so what just found out my tobe ex has another bank account with out my name on it 34,000 dollars oh well i do experience hours of anger about her but when that happens i freeze up like a popcicle cant spell good so yeah your not alone

[zzzsheepyzzz]

Oh man, I think I can really relate to what you are saying.

As recently as the past few years I have experienced manic highs and lows. Feeling absolutely crushed emotionally, and sometimes just crazy. I go as far as to romanticize some parts of it, and even the the lows could be absolutely freakin terrible, but there were these moments in-between of such real meaning. Like surviving those lows through occupying myself with things was somehow so meaningful, and worthwhile. Maybe even having those lows made me appreciate life and activities.

However, since then I have done everything in my power to lead as healthy and smart of a life as I can, seeing as that is the most logical thing to do, and the more time that passes by, the more numb and absolutely feeling less I have been. I can even relate to wanting to be self-destructive, because then it would at least be something.

As the days go by, I just care less and less, it has literally been a slow downward slope, and I am just losing interest in everything. It feels like my life has become one of those TV channels you watch when nothing is good on, and the humor and story are not interesting at all to you, but like, there is like a common stupid joke now and then you can appreciate, or like it's just something to look at in between.

Also, I used to think that the state of being bored was like an opportunity to do activities like art or music, but far too often it feels forced, and not very enjoyable.

Edited September 20, 2016 by zzzsheepyzzz

[genericname4403]

For me it always feels like I could do a certain thing, but I could as well not do it and I prefer the second option. As bad as this apathy is, I also wouldn't want to live a life not being myself and forcing myself to do these things then, which would in most cases change nothing but keep me distracted, which I can also achieve differently. But it is also unlikely that my motivation levels will suddenly rise out of nowhere... It feels like being a prisoner of one's own brain chemistry.

Does anyone else have the feeling that even if all kinds of wishes became true, one would still feel this way after a short period of time? Contributes to regarding pursuing goals as pointless.

[zzzsheepyzzz]

"Does anyone else have the feeling that even if all kinds of wishes became true, one would still feel this way after a short period of time? Contributes to regarding pursuing goals as pointless."

I think this is almost the big dilemma with Anhedonia, or this type of mental illness, or mental block.

I have to say that since posting on this topic, I have been on a new medication and have been feeling better. My advice is to continue to stay active at things, and to do "positive things" like saving money and being healthy. It may be the medication that I am on that is helping though, but also trying new things and being perseverent have helped.

[smithci]

What medication is it? Thanks