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College student seeking opportunities to provide and receive relief, support, and inspiration


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Hi there. My name's Jaime. I'm a 21 year old college student pursuing game development, and I constantly have a heavy feeling surging from my chest up my throat and into my forehead. Before reaching my forehead, it makes a round course at the tip of my tongue, but produces no words. Once it reaches its destination, it settles in the backs of my eyes, but produces no tears. And then it sinks back into my chest, sometimes down to my stomach, and starts over again, day after day, week after week. Sometimes for an obvious reason. Often not.

My therapist told me this ceaseless presence in my life, that sucks away at everything I am, screaming nonstop, laughing in the face of all my accomplishments and failures, bitterly mocking me and begging the winds of chance to thrust me into suffering and death -- is called depression. She recommended I seek further support online, since I'm more genuine when I write than when I speak. So here I am.

You already knew all that, of course. That's why you're here, too, I'm sure. Maybe I can help. Maybe you can help me. Maybe if we all lie on the floor and feel like garbage together, something good will come of it one day.

I'm an incorrigible humanitarian and habitually show tolerance and compassion to pretty much everyone except for myself, so please approach me with anything. The kind of nurturing I can provide may not always be the most wholesome, but I promise it will be free of judgement and crafted with as much love as someone who hates himself can muster.

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o: Game development? Awesome~

Welcome to the site, Jaime! I just joined this site not too long ago, but I'm settling in just fine. From what I've seen, the support here is very good, and the folks are really nice and understanding, so I'm sure you'll enjoy your time here. Don't be afraid to send me a message if you ever want to vent/talk~

 

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Welcome to DF. This is the most supportive forum I've ever found. I hope you have the same experience and find some of what you need here.

Why do you hate yourself? I've found that this stuff usually has some kind of root in one's background, false beliefs, etc. Even - sometimes especially - with people who say they had a "normal" childhood. I know it does for me - traumas started it all, especially one following hard upon the heels of another. Most of them in the context of a sh!tty childhood. It's not always that dramatic, but I've found there's usually some reason, however subtle and unrecognized by one's conscious mind.

You say you're a humanitarian; so am I. I don't hate myself, though. It's complicated, but basically, I'm depressed because there's so much rotten that I can't change (immediately, in my own life, as well as in the wide world which affects me and those I care about directly), and I absolutely refuse to stop caring or to care any less. Though I've tried because I'm human. But it never works, anyway. And I passionately believe it's not worth the trade-off.

What do you believe about yourself that makes you hate yourself? And why do you believe it? Do you tend to blame yourself even when you're wronged? If someone else is wronged in the same way, would you blame them, too?

Not that you have to tell any of that to strangers on the internet, but I hope you'll work on it with your therapist. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey.

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Thank you all for the warm welcome. I certainly feel very welcomed here.

Skylark1, I'm sorry to hear your childhood was painful, and has affected you in this way. I think that may be the case for me as well. My father probably molested me when I was very young. I say "probably" because I don't remember it; the most I remember is sitting on a stool bawling my eyes out and telling my mother a story I wasn't sure whether I was remembering or making up, and then occasional nightmares after that which, given their nature, were probably related to the incident, if there was one. I'm not sure what's been more harmful -- the alleged event itself, or the resulting absence of my father from the rest of my life from that point on -- or if any of it is even contributing to what I'm feeling at all. And then there was the fact that until eighth grade, I was frequently bullied for my autism, weight, and lack of masculinity, both in appearance and in behavior.

Nothing really stands out as the cause of my problem. It's all just sort of congealed into this anonymous voice in my head that tells me mean things every day. I can try to psychoanalyze myself, but no explanation really feels genuine anymore; it's just there, its own thing, as if it's always existed.

I understand how you feel about the rotten stuff, I think. I would love to be able to make the world a more loving and accepting place with less exploitation and blame. I'd like to think I already do. But it's not enough. Sometimes, I even find myself thinking like one of them: I see someone preaching messages of hate and war on some social media or other, and I catch myself thinking, "if only we could eradicate people like you." In this sense, perhaps the worst thing about negativity is its nature as contagious.

NRG, are you a fan of games as well? I assumed as much at first, because when I looked at your avatar, I thought it was a PS2 controller. I see now that it is an upside down black cat. :) I'm a nerd.

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47 minutes ago, Jaime said:

Thank you all for the warm welcome. I certainly feel very welcomed here.

Skylark1, I'm sorry to hear your childhood was painful, and has affected you in this way. I think that may be the case for me as well. My father probably molested me when I was very young. I say "probably" because I don't remember it; the most I remember is sitting on a stool bawling my eyes out and telling my mother a story I wasn't sure whether I was remembering or making up, and then occasional nightmares after that which, given their nature, were probably related to the incident, if there was one. I'm not sure what's been more harmful -- the alleged event itself, or the resulting absence of my father from the rest of my life from that point on -- or if any of it is even contributing to what I'm feeling at all. And then there was the fact that until eighth grade, I was frequently bullied for my autism, weight, and lack of masculinity, both in appearance and in behavior.

Nothing really stands out as the cause of my problem. It's all just sort of congealed into this anonymous voice in my head that tells me mean things every day. I can try to psychoanalyze myself, but no explanation really feels genuine anymore; it's just there, its own thing, as if it's always existed.

I understand how you feel about the rotten stuff, I think. I would love to be able to make the world a more loving and accepting place with less exploitation and blame. I'd like to think I already do. But it's not enough. Sometimes, I even find myself thinking like one of them: I see someone preaching messages of hate and war on some social media or other, and I catch myself thinking, "if only we could eradicate people like you." In this sense, perhaps the worst thing about negativity is its nature as contagious.

NRG, are you a fan of games as well? I assumed as much at first, because when I looked at your avatar, I thought it was a PS2 controller. I see now that it is an upside down black cat. :) I'm a nerd.

Yep! Games have always been one of the few things to bring me joy. I'm really into RPGs, but...gaming in general is a permanent part of me. : 3 And yeah, I can see how the cat can look like a controller. : )

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Thank you, melplus, long journey, for the greeting. Pleasure to meet you.

23 hours ago, NRG said:

Yep! Games have always been one of the few things to bring me joy. I'm really into RPGs, but...gaming in general is a permanent part of me. : 3 And yeah, I can see how the cat can look like a controller. : )

Really! Same here! In the vein of RPGs, have you by chance ever played Undertale, or any of the MOTHER series? They've both helped me grow and recover so much. They're practically like therapy on a cartridge. I'd love to make something someday that can teach people in the same way they taught me.

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27 minutes ago, Jaime said:

Really! Same here! In the vein of RPGs, have you by chance ever played Undertale, or any of the MOTHER series? They've both helped me grow and recover so much. They're practically like therapy on a cartridge. I'd love to make something someday that can teach people in the same way they taught me.

I've played Undertale, and I love the lore and the gameplay. Sadly, my keyboard skills are not up to par ( I got stumped on Undyne x.x). As for MOTHER, I never got to play any of those, but I would not be adverse to trying them out. Games help me out as well! I play Monster Hunter quite often because it keeps my brain working...and it's fun and challenging~

We really do need more games that are fun, yet make you think. So, by all means, go for it! Never know. Could be a Triple A title~ :3

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