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BlueWeepingRose

Do anyone relate with this?

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I don't know what I do but I always end up scaring people away due to my sadness. It happens everywhere I go, online or in person. Anytime I get very low I tend to say very crazy things and I say things that I don't even mean, they just come out of my mouth. I rant on for hours about how much my life sucks, how much people has hurt me, how I'm so angry, how certain things annoy me, what makes me cry, how I feel as if people hate and how I hate people and the more I go on I always end up bringing up how I want to die and how I'm just a burden on people and people would be better off without me. Anytime I get depressed, I get so emotionally drained and I always end up taking a nap cause it took so much out of me. Than once I wake up and woken up, I take a shower, get something to eat and do something to keep myself busy so I can feel better. I noticed that each time I get depressed I pull people into the tornado with me and this isn't fair to them at all. My doctors diagnosed me with bi-polar disorder and sometimes I have a hard time seeing that I am.

I know when it's sunny outside I'm in a better mood than when it's rainy outside. When I'm stressed out, I'm easily to get depressed. If someone was to break up with me, I've had times where I've broken down into turn moil. The first one happened when I was 19 years old and that break up was very hard on me. On top of it I know I have PTSD with abandonment issues to boot. When I'm depressed I sleep in bed and don't want to get up. My moods change out of the blue. Sometimes during the day I'm depressed and feel horrible, yet I still continue going on. Than there's other days where I'm feeling great and I'm actually very happy. I've always had moments where I had problems paying attention and I talk very fast and not many people can keep up with me. My mother told me so many times, "You like a light switch, I never know what mood you'll be in." Someone suggested borderline personality disorder and if that is possible, than I have that as well as bi-polar. My doctors strongly believe I have more a dependency issues with people more though. I always want to be around people, I hate being alone. There's times where I can be alone. Whenever I'm around people though, I feel happier. The more times I'm alone, I think a lot more and this scares me. My mind races so much for me sometimes and sad depressing things always comes to my head and sometimes it's so hard to try to shake those thoughts out. I'm always trying to get them out. When I'm angry now, I do warn people ahead of time and I tell them to give me space for awhile so I don't flip out at them. There's times though where I have flipped out, especially out of the blue. Anytime when I'm really happy though, also known for hypomania moments which has happened to me a lot. Than the crash happens right afterwards. Right before the crash happens, something triggers it and than I end up silently crying to myself. Not sure if this is normal or not. Just thought I'd get this out there and see if anyone else can relate with this. 

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I think I can actually understand how you feel with a few things. Usually when I made friends (online as I have crippling social anxiety) I tend to be an ass with my depression and can only talk about it usually, otherwise I don't say anything because I'm just not interesting, yet I enjoy feeling as though I have a purpose with being around people. I scared off a few friends because of it and by now I'm just careless as to what happens to me, whether I make friends or not. I can get depressed easily and I basically stay that way for a bit, it depends on the music I listen to (not usually "good" music for a depressed person, but it somehow helps me I guess) other than that I've never found a surefire way to make me feel better when I'm down. I'm actually sort of the opposite with the weather, as I tend to like the rain (I guess the sky is gray and gloomy like my soul) and I tend to be not really sad when it's sunny, but I'm not necessarily the happiest being alive either, if that's even possible. I hardly talk with my family members as my dad, brother, and even half-brother hate me, my mom is the only one that cares about me, but I hate talking to her about my depression and wanting to end it because she'll go on about how sad it would be to bury me and cry, etc etc.  Now, to end this mess of a comment, since you had the strength and thoughtfulness to put this topic up, don't for one second believe nobody is not feeling your pain, as I already admitted I feel parts of it (kind of weirdly worded, but I'm not the brightest bulb) People here care and help others, we all feel our own pain and it's great to just release it and know someone is wanting to listen without judgement or to make fun of you or anything. I only said that in case you didn't read any other topics, and sorry for the long comment

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BlueWeepingRose - You sound exactly like me, I swear I could've wrote this. I was struggling in the exact same way but things have been much better the past 2 months as I have been on a medication for bipolar (olanzapine). I used to get soo irritable and really angry and would blame all my anger/loneliness/problems on my father. I would punch holes in walls, scream, and hit myself.

I also am the same way when I'm in a depression...I start talking fast and constantly telling anyone (mainly my brother) how much my life sucks and it always leads to me talking about suicide. He doesn't know how to help so he says nothing. Then I retreat into my dark room for days/weeks.

I haven't had a bipolar episode since I have been on this dose of my meds though. I had to first admit to myself that I was indeed bipolar, which was difficult for me.

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Hi BlueWeepingRose,

I'm not bi-polar (at least not an obvious one..) but I can relate to the sadness, talking to much too fast and moodswings(in my case, spur of the moment rages). The racing thoughts are also all too familiar to me. My head is full of random stuff most of the time, and sometimes it's impossible to get some peace and quiet in my head.

I tend to bottle it up, so when I do "explode" I play it down or explain it away. Insomia's my excuse (it's also true). As a die hard introvert I just shut people out when I don't have the energy to explain myself or know I'm exepetionally combustive..

But only anybody reading whatever I rant on about on DP and my various healthcare-providers/therapist know how bad it can get.. I tell absolutely no one close to me what I go through.. They've only heard the sensored "for all audiences" version. For the simple reason you mentioned. I know I'd scare people away.

Not sure I have any point to make, but though all our suffering is individual, we all feel bad time to time.

And that's something we can all relate to.

Hope you'll start feeling better soon!

 

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That_Random__Guy98

I just had to comment on what you said about the music you listen to.. It not being good music for a depressed person..

In my books if it helps it's good for you!

Some of the stuff I listen to would make Norwegian black metal seem like the proverbial walk in the park..

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35 minutes ago, Searchingforasoul said:

That_Random__Guy98

I just had to comment on what you said about the music you listen to.. It not being good music for a depressed person..

In my books if it helps it's good for you!

Some of the stuff I listen to would make Norwegian black metal seem like the proverbial walk in the park..

Lol, yeah I guess as long as it helps its good

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you have described bipolar disorder to a tee. depression- not getting out of bed. mania-racing thoughts, talking fast, and anger. the cycle of the seasons/weather is commonly connected with bipolar episodes. february is my worst month every year. i've learned to be on high alert the first few months of the year to cope.

have your doctors tried adjusting your meds? generally bipolar disorder can be controlled a lot better than what your's seems to be and you shouldn't have to live like that. when you need to talk about depression, i'd suggest seeing your therapist. you can get out everything you need to say without scaring away a friend. i have the exact same problem with scaring people away. if i tell someone that i'm bipolar, they often run. the media portrays us as ******ers when the majority of us aren't. any bipolar ******er i know of has quit taking their meds. they are the absolute most important thing to keeping your sanity. if you feel an episode coming, on they can sometimes adjust things to help you cope better. after 10 years, i've finally gotten to the point where i can predict an episode and nip it in the bud

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you are not alone and I empathise with you, it is a terrible place to be in. there are so many suffering like you and so many are reaching out to you in support....take care as much as you can

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