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Need some help with intrusive thoughts :( depression and anxiety?


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Hey all! I am not sure if I have ocd or not but depression and anxiety is something I have for sure with the occasional rumination.I have it for about 4 - 5 years and I have watched the thoughts grow and cycle from different things. Now I have a daughter who is a few months and my mind is telling me awful things that I want to do harming her and I feel like . Honestly I would rather disappear then ever do anything to hurt her. Then today I was trying to check her diaper this morning because I smelled like she pooped. I pulled the pamper back towards me and saw nothing. She just passed gas and peed however, I had a bad thought that my knuckle of my finger touched her stuff, even though I know I didn't and that I would have felt it if I did. So yea, thoughts like these and others are what I have. I hate them so much. I wish I just had a normal brain. Anyone else deal with this. And I am on meds thinking about a change or upping dose

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43 minutes ago, jfrombk said:

Hey all! I am not sure if I have ocd or not but depression and anxiety is something I have for sure with the occasional rumination.I have it for about 4 - 5 years and I have watched the thoughts grow and cycle from different things. Now I have a daughter who is a few months and my mind is telling me awful things that I want to do harming her and I feel like . Honestly I would rather disappear then ever do anything to hurt her. Then today I was trying to check her diaper this morning because I smelled like she pooped. I pulled the pamper back towards me and saw nothing. She just passed gas and peed however, I had a bad thought that my knuckle of my finger touched her stuff, even though I know I didn't and that I would have felt it if I did. So yea, thoughts like these and others are what I have. I hate them so much. I wish I just had a normal brain. Anyone else deal with this. And I am on meds thinking about a change or upping dose

I'm there too.  I have thoughts of hurting my daughter, one of many other intrusive thoughts, I couldn't figure out way it was predominantly my youngest.  I realized it's because I'm so scared of these thoughts, and she wouldn't be able to protect herself like my older daughter and husband.  I start to realize what am thinking are only thoughts because I constantly think of what could go wrong, worst case scenarios, not actions that I want to take. Works for a little bit then it's, oh my god what if I really did that(do I physically want these things to happen, NEVER!!!)  And the thoughts just won't stop and I get worried that one day, is it not going to be just a thought?  It makes me physically sick to ever think that.  But with Pure-O  thoughts, ideas, normally the worst things ever, they are just on replay everyday and just to make sure every so often a new one crops up. I'm sorry this was so long but as much as you might need to hear your not the only one stuck in the hell of a screwed up brain, I needed to hear about others that have same issues.   I get to complicate things more, which I now know most will fall into or caused by a category of OCD, but also I have multiple  sclerosis with lesions in my frontal cortex so the weight of what that disease will do physically to me, I'm constantly worried that the lesions are affecting decision making and impulse control of my frontal cortex. I was just recently switched to Wellbutrin after being on Zoloft having depersonalization issues where nothing even seemed real and I had no up or down emotions, I just felt nothing.  I hope you able to find ways to cope and be able to feel "normal", at least as much as normal could be. :)

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Thanks sooooo much for your response. You don't understand how great it is to not feel insane alone. Honestly thank you. Your reply wasn't long at all. It was well thought out and honestly makes me feel better that I am not alone. It's so crazy how the thoughts make you feel like you would do those things but you wouldn't. I hate it so much. I actually was on Lexapro as well... By itself and then along with welburtion. How has your support system been? And are you thinking about different meds 

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Hi Jfrombk -- I also struggle from violent thoughts and one thing I use is the saying of "Thought's are only thoughts until action is applied to them."

This helps me to rationalise the thoughts out. Which ones I should give thought and action to and the ones which will cause harm to others or myself. The fact that you have posted about this shows strength.

Tungsten.

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7 minutes ago, Tungsten Aromatics said:

Hi Jfrombk -- I also struggle from violent thoughts and one thing I use is the saying of "Thought's are only thoughts until action is applied to them."

This helps me to rationalise the thoughts out. Which ones I should give thought and action to and the ones which will cause harm to others or myself. The fact that you have posted about this shows strength.

Tungsten.

Thanks so much for the reply I truly appreciate it and you are absolutely right 

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What you described seems to me to be classic Harm OCD. I used to have constant fears that I was going to harm myself intentionally,which were frightening, but they must pall in comparison. Your idea of looking into medication adjustments is a very good one, the continual process has drastically improved my situation. 

Good luck,

Litany

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3 hours ago, Litany said:

What you described seems to me to be classic Harm OCD. I used to have constant fears that I was going to harm myself intentionally,which were frightening, but they must pall in comparison. Your idea of looking into medication adjustments is a very good one, the continual process has drastically improved my situation. 

Good luck,

Litany

Wow thanks for your response!! What meds are you taking? 

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I take Zoloft (generic name sertraline), which is an SSRI which I find mildly effective; Latuda (generic name lurasidone), an atypical antipsychotic, that has helped me more than I thought possible; and Wellbutrin (generic name bupropion), which is supposed to help with the side effects. 

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I have very intrusive thoughts of horrible horrible things. Any time I hold a gun in my hand the intrusive thoughts start of the damage I could inflict with it, to the point I have to put the gun down. This also goes for anything that could be used as a weapon (hammers, knives, chains, bats, etc). So I simply don't touch these things, maybe you should follow my lead and never change diapers again. Turn your dilemma into a win.

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20 hours ago, jfrombk said:

Thanks sooooo much for your response. You don't understand how great it is to not feel insane alone. Honestly thank you. Your reply wasn't long at all. It was well thought out and honestly makes me feel better that I am not alone. It's so crazy how the thoughts make you feel like you would do those things but you wouldn't. I hate it so much. I actually was on Lexapro as well... By itself and then along with welburtion. How has your support system been? And are you thinking about different meds 

Ok, this one is long :) I could have a good support system, I believe, if I could open up.  I don't talk to anyone really.  My father has bipolar, and out of the 10 siblings he has, along with numerous cousins, 8 have been diagnosed with and some hospitalized; bipolar, depression, anxiety, OCD, schizophrenia, so I know they would understand, but that would mean showing a weakness that I can't handle.  My husband has never dealt with any of these types of illnesses, I'm not sure he really understands any of it.  My dad had a bad manic episode, and with trying to deal with that, he asked me why would he do these things to his family, I had to try to explain that it's not his fault and he isn't choosing to do this, he doesn't even remember most of it after he comes down.  I actually had a VA appt to have another MRI to see what lesions are active just a couple days ago about hour and a half away and spent alot of the ride reading things about depression, anxiety and OCD that I thought fit me to a T.  He just told me reading articles, blogs, and posts just makes it worse.  I tried to explain that while reading these can sometimes bring up issues, but when I'm able to see that it's not just me and I'm not an awful person it will almost ground me knowing there can be a light at the end of a long night.  Most of the time if I start talking about something I quickly just give up trying to explain.  The MS has kinda screwed with my ability to have something thought out perfectly in my head, but when it leaves my mouth, people either think I'm making stuff up or lying, I know I kinda glance around, take too long and lose words to the point that I just stop.  I had tried using behavioral health before, but it didn't work out. I know I need to try again and these boards are another first step to getting to the point of sitting face to face talking. I've never been a very open person, I hold back with everyone. I'm not even comfortable talking to my parents, did I have a good childhood,yes I knew I was loved, but talking about feelings, hugging, never happened.  I condense any feelings good or bad, and try to not show them. I always think that the person I'm trying to talk to is going to turn around and either judge or break the trust I had finally given.  Everybody, in my head, is going to make fun of me, jump on facebook and tell everyone on their friends list, saying that they were just trying help, turn their backs on me or even worse try to turn me in because they don't understand these aren't things I want to do.  But it's gotten to the point where I won't even leave the house but to dr appt and maybe once a week to store, hopefully I don't have to go to walmart or any busy, especially by myself.  I honestly thought I started doing better on wellbutrin, I can normally get through most of a day without remunerating thoughts, but nighttime it comes rushing back in. I  just want to hurry up and fall asleep.  I'm hoping to be able to call and make another appt and try with another therapist soon.  Ok I think that might be it for now. if you made it this far I thank you for being an open ear. lol.  :)

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15 hours ago, AmorApparatus said:

I have very intrusive thoughts of horrible horrible things. Any time I hold a gun in my hand the intrusive thoughts start of the damage I could inflict with it, to the point I have to put the gun down. This also goes for anything that could be used as a weapon (hammers, knives, chains, bats, etc). So I simply don't touch these things, maybe you should follow my lead and never change diapers again. Turn your dilemma into a win.

Thanks for the reply! and welcome to the thread. Unfortunately, i cant do that because that would me stopping a part of being a dad and the thoughts would just move to something else. I want to be a good dad and i know what i am cabable of, so in this case i wouldnt do that.

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15 hours ago, hrwbes7402 said:

Ok, this one is long :) I could have a good support system, I believe, if I could open up.  I don't talk to anyone really.  My father has bipolar, and out of the 10 siblings he has, along with numerous cousins, 8 have been diagnosed with and some hospitalized; bipolar, depression, anxiety, OCD, schizophrenia, so I know they would understand, but that would mean showing a weakness that I can't handle.  My husband has never dealt with any of these types of illnesses, I'm not sure he really understands any of it.  My dad had a bad manic episode, and with trying to deal with that, he asked me why would he do these things to his family, I had to try to explain that it's not his fault and he isn't choosing to do this, he doesn't even remember most of it after he comes down.  I actually had a VA appt to have another MRI to see what lesions are active just a couple days ago about hour and a half away and spent alot of the ride reading things about depression, anxiety and OCD that I thought fit me to a T.  He just told me reading articles, blogs, and posts just makes it worse.  I tried to explain that while reading these can sometimes bring up issues, but when I'm able to see that it's not just me and I'm not an awful person it will almost ground me knowing there can be a light at the end of a long night.  Most of the time if I start talking about something I quickly just give up trying to explain.  The MS has kinda screwed with my ability to have something thought out perfectly in my head, but when it leaves my mouth, people either think I'm making stuff up or lying, I know I kinda glance around, take too long and lose words to the point that I just stop.  I had tried using behavioral health before, but it didn't work out. I know I need to try again and these boards are another first step to getting to the point of sitting face to face talking. I've never been a very open person, I hold back with everyone. I'm not even comfortable talking to my parents, did I have a good childhood,yes I knew I was loved, but talking about feelings, hugging, never happened.  I condense any feelings good or bad, and try to not show them. I always think that the person I'm trying to talk to is going to turn around and either judge or break the trust I had finally given.  Everybody, in my head, is going to make fun of me, jump on facebook and tell everyone on their friends list, saying that they were just trying help, turn their backs on me or even worse try to turn me in because they don't understand these aren't things I want to do.  But it's gotten to the point where I won't even leave the house but to dr appt and maybe once a week to store, hopefully I don't have to go to walmart or any busy, especially by myself.  I honestly thought I started doing better on wellbutrin, I can normally get through most of a day without remunerating thoughts, but nighttime it comes rushing back in. I  just want to hurry up and fall asleep.  I'm hoping to be able to call and make another appt and try with another therapist soon.  Ok I think that might be it for now. if you made it this far I thank you for being an open ear. lol.  :)

well, whether you realized  it or not, you talking here helps myself as well as others. i know you mentioned you arent an open person, but you helped out so much here just by ... being open! I get where you are coming from in a lot of your reply. It is very hard to open up and tell poeple and when it gets bad, all you want to do is get some sleep. I hope things inprove for you. ANd your post wasnt long, it was insightful

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