New job- don't fit in.

[Char12]

So in my previous job I was constantly making stupid mistakes and didn't feel like I'd gotten sufficient training. My boss was also mean to me sometimes, saying things like "it's not hard is it?" sarcastically when I figured something out and giving me looks like I was stupid. This was my first full-time position after Uni and I have never been so depressed. I was basically on autopilot throughout the day, to be miserable for a couple of hours before bed and then repeat. I wasn't sleeping well and would wake up in the night shaking from crippling anxiety. I eventually went to the doctors again and was signed off with depression/anxiety. During the three months I was at this job I was taking medication.

I had a month off before I started looking for another job. My medication hadn't worked and I'd stopped taking it. I thought it'd be different if I got a job I liked and that I might meet some new people, have a routine and just be a lot happier. The only job I got an offer from out of hundreds of applications over about 4 months was a retail job. I was excited to start. Although it is only part time and takes 2 hours to get there, I've been planning on getting a flat in the city centre after my probation period, so figured this would only be temporary. 

It didn't turn out like I'd planned. I've been there 2 months now and I'm still making stupid mistakes, I am awkward around my colleagues although I try and be friendly and I am often getting pulled up about things. I work with mainly girls, a lot of which are training to be supervisors and I feel like they all think I'm stupid and won't hesitate to pull me up on anything. They're all chatty with each other and I'm quite shy. The other night, because I travel to get home, my dad had come to give me a lift home because it was late. I was told I hadn't completed some jobs behind the till (although I had no idea I had to compete them until the minute I was about to leave) and had to stay behind. I told her I couldn't as my dad was waiting and was told I had to. The rest of the girls live in the city centre so will chat and won't mind leaving 5 minutes late but that means missing my train and having to wait another hour or making my dad who also works long hours wait. I tried to just leave when my shift was over the other day and got told I have to ask permission to leave every time.

The other day I also made a stupid mistake, selling 2 right shoes to a customer and not checking them which I got shouted at for. I presumed they were a pair because there is only usually one on display and you have to ask for the other one and they were flip flops with flowers all over the front, so it wasn't obvious. Turns out the customer just grabbed 2 of the display shoes. I was shouted at and told that different shoes are different shapes, and I felt so stupid. I do other stupid things as well like not being able to find where clothes go in the store. Yesterday a colleagues told me to put some bags on a rail and I had to ask 3 times because I just couldn't see this rail. I feel like it's not the jobs what are the problem but that I'm so embarrassingly stupid. The mistakes I make are so obvious after I've made them but I just can't see it at the time. I feel like I have no common sense and every job I have will be the same and I'll never fit in anywhere. I worked hard for my degree too and feel upset to be in this position after uni. I just have 0 confidence left. I think it's all a bit harder to swallow too as I have no friends and I always start off optimistic about new opportunities and it just never seems to work out for me. I wish I knew why I was so unlikable to people as I feel I have a lot to give.

I'm starting to feel the same as I did with the other job, and waking up panicked in the middle of the night and dreading going to work. It doesn't help that It takes so long to get to work and half my money is spent on train fare. I also have to work quite late and if i'm made to stay behind, can miss my train and have to wait another hour. My 4 hour work day can mean 4 hours travelling/ waiting around sometimes for minimum wage. I know i should be thankful I have a job but I'm really struggling to get through the days. 

 

Please help.

Edited May 16, 2016 by Char12