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Invisible Princess

What if this isn't depression...

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Today has been a good day, but the weeks before have had lots of bad days, my friends told me I looked really sad and even people who aren't my close friends told me I look sad. I have been wondering for a while now if I'm depressed (I've posted other topics relating to it) but I guess I just don't believe it. I worry that if I tried to get help, if I ever eventually felt I really need it, that someone would tell me that there isn't anything wrong, I'm normal and if I was told that I'd feel so guilty about considering myself as depressed when there are lots of other people who actually are depressed and I don't want to be offensive. 

I'm very conscious of not wanting to offend people so I find anonymous things like this helpful, but I also struggle to convey my point as there are too many things that go on in my life to remember them all and write them down in a succinct way. I know I do met a few of the depression criteria like change in appetite, feeling sort of empty or sad, recently I can't focus on work/revision and have a weird feeling like there's someone in my head wanting to get out but they aren't really trying hard enough. I've done a personality test that said I have an extremely neurotic personality and I scored 100/100 for depression, the subsequent depression test said I scored high for sadness and guilt. This I didn't understand so I asked my friend and she said that she saw that in me and that I blame myself for a lot of things.

I guess I just want to have a conversation with people about their experiences and mine because, as self centred and annoying it may seem to want to talk about myself, I just want to better understand what it is I'm feeling. So any comments/ people to talk to would be greatly appreciated, so thanks and I hope this all makes sense.

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I was kind of in the same mindset, but I continuously asked "why do I want to end my life?" Eventually I checked a few places online and I was screened for both moderate and severe depression, so I don't know which I have. Also, do you socialize well? I couldn't tell but if you don't, you may have social anxiety, something I have and I know I can't speak for all people going through with social anxiety, but for me I just look discontent with life. I always just have a straight face, I can't smile or anything. Although lucky for you, you have friends and people to talk with, I don't as my anxiety prevents me from talking. Also I can understand being self-centered, considering I always make fun of myself or put myself down and people just ask me why I do that and then I somewhat explain to them that I hate myself and am depressed, etc etc. Just comment or PM me if you want to share anything you have to say, I'll be happy to listen

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5 minutes ago, That_Random_Guy98 said:

I was kind of in the same mindset, but I continuously asked "why do I want to end my life?" Eventually I checked a few places online and I was screened for both moderate and severe depression, so I don't know which I have. Also, do you socialize well? I couldn't tell but if you don't, you may have social anxiety, something I have and I know I can't speak for all people going through with social anxiety, but for me I just look discontent with life. I always just have a straight face, I can't smile or anything. Although lucky for you, you have friends and people to talk with, I don't as my anxiety prevents me from talking. Also I can understand being self-centered, considering I always make fun of myself or put myself down and people just ask me why I do that and then I somewhat explain to them that I hate myself and am depressed, etc etc. Just comment or PM me if you want to share anything you have to say, I'll be happy to listen

I would say I socialise well I've never been 'popular' as such but I've always had a close network of friends. At my college now a group of us all seem to struggle with things in slightly different ways for example one girl has major issues with her parent, one has anxiety, and another has dealt with a lot of issues in the past and still is, and although we are all generally happy people I just feel like my issues are insignificant to theres. I'm not trying to be rude when I say that I just feel like my perceived 'problems' aren't anything that big and I should just get over them. 

For you that feeling of wanting to end your life must have seemed pretty important (and is important might I add) where as for me everything just seems petty and stupid, which just leads me to have circular arguments with myself about how I'm feeling.

(Sorry I don't really know where I was going with that.)

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It's fine, you were just speaking your mind. I don't really know what to say about all your friends and people in general, college just seems like a tough time so it's likely everyone will be stressed and anxious and whatnot. And the end part, well I couldn't say it's all important, but I guess I'm glad I can have friends that say I'm important? I too have arguments with myself, but its mainly me worrying about if I'll actually take my life or whether or not I'll put the knife down or hell even just simple things like getting out of bed.

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hello,

well ive experienced what you have, for the last 3 years and being in my 30s (33) along with breakups.. have triggered and fed my depression. I've heard it called situational depression.

these are my symptoms or whatever it should be called:

-anxiety in the morning, flood of negative thoughts and worries about the future, lack thereof, last, exes, how I was treated, discontent with being over educated and poor.. all combined into one near wave that hits every morning. 1-2 hours

-can't sleep, often interrupted sleep. 3 hours or so that has increased solely bc of Wellbutrin.. but I still wake up every night at 2 am

-no appetite

-no interest in socializing 

-dontt really take care of myself as I should- I stopped working out, I don't eat as much, it's a pain to brush my teeth and wash my face

-I pretend like I'm ok at work. but when I get home the flood gates open

-bad dreams mostly about the stuff that causes my anxiety up above 

-ive gotten pretty philosophical and sometimes what poetic when I speak.. mostly bc I am thinking about life, death, the point of all this. I guess that's the dark gift we  get from depression.

-I do feel like life is pointless when  I don't have a partner or kids or money to live (as in I can buy good AND gas not or)

I guess that's what it is ..have you considered talking to someone?

 

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Hi Invisible Princess...you definitely have a sweet heart for not wanting to offend people who may be struggling with bad depression, but the thing about depression is that is can come in many different forms and sizes. Some people only ever develop slight depression that might only require talking therapy...you know what I mean? So 'if' you are depressed, it might not ever develop to the depths that some peoples' is but you could still be depressed.

Also, you mentioned that you're worried that people might not believe you that something is wrong when in fact it is...there will always be people like that BUT in this day and age mental illness is accepted  largely and if you see a doctor they will almost certainly take you seriously.

On a more personal level - I struggled with depression since I was 12 and I am now 22 and recently developed Bipolar, and I have always said that same thing you said, that "it feels like there's someone in my head trying to get out". Many people who have some form of depression say that by the way, so you're not alone. Also mood disorders can make people blame themselves for everything.

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you are a very nice person I think alot of nice people are depressed when was the last time someone helped you out or said a kind encouraging word like you do all the time We would never think of pulling some of the things people do to us we dont understand somehow its  cool to be loud abnoxoius and have your way and make lots of money we dont have it in us to do those things after years of it we think were different I think we are more moral and normal money is not the root of all evil but the LOVE of money is

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I think it's great you want to talk and understand how you're feeling. If you'd like to talk to a licensed counselor for free (yes, free!) you can can call 855-382-5433, thanks to Focus on the Family. Just make sure you call between 6a-8p Mountain Standard Time. And if no one answers, you can leave a message so someone can call you back.   

Hang in there! 

 

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I can tell that you're intelligent and HIGHLY analytical (perhaps, at times, to a fault). From everything you said, it sounds like you are depressed. The question now is how depressed are you? Does it affect your work, relationships, or quality of life, in any way?

I struggled with the same questions a long time ago. I went through the same self-evaluation process. At that time, I didn't really see the shades of gray in depression. I saw it as all or nothing, depressed or not depressed. I looked at symptom lists as absolute truth. I didn't understand depression very well, and my thinking was inflexible.

Personally, I didn't want to believe I had clinical depression, so I downplayed my symptoms. On the other hand, I would accentuate anything that would indicate otherwise. For example, if I laughed or smiled I could tell myself, "See, you're laughing. You can't be depressed." Chances are, if you're going through these mental gymnastics, you probably could a good conversation with a professional.

I've been in various states of denial or acceptance. I've covered the whole spectrum. In the end, I know I have depression. My denial only delayed my treatment and it also added to my feelings of guilt and eroded my self esteem.

I'm not saying you're like I was, but I understand what you're going through. You need to figure out if you truly have clinical depression, so you at least need to talk to a doctor or therapist.

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On 17 May 2016 at 1:37 AM, standup said:

I can tell that you're intelligent and HIGHLY analytical (perhaps, at times, to a fault). From everything you said, it sounds like you are depressed. The question now is how depressed are you? Does it affect your work, relationships, or quality of life, in any way?

I struggled with the same questions a long time ago. I went through the same self-evaluation process. At that time, I didn't really see the shades of gray in depression. I saw it as all or nothing, depressed or not depressed. I looked at symptom lists as absolute truth. I didn't understand depression very well, and my thinking was inflexible.

Personally, I didn't want to believe I had clinical depression, so I downplayed my symptoms. On the other hand, I would accentuate anything that would indicate otherwise. For example, if I laughed or smiled I could tell myself, "See, you're laughing. You can't be depressed." Chances are, if you're going through these mental gymnastics, you probably could a good conversation with a professional.

I've been in various states of denial or acceptance. I've covered the whole spectrum. In the end, I know I have depression. My denial only delayed my treatment and it also added to my feelings of guilt and eroded my self esteem.

I'm not saying you're like I was, but I understand what you're going through. You need to figure out if you truly have clinical depression, so you at least need to talk to a doctor or therapist.

Actually you're pretty accurate, although my 'mental gymnastics' may not be quite the same, I definitely look at aspects of my life and think well if you were depressed then that wouldn't happen/ you wouldn't feel like that. I guess I don't think I'm not 'sad' enough to be depressed, because my mood can sort of change quite quickly. I'm in year 12 (UK) and sitting AS exams at the moment and to be honest today has been rough. I've cried a few times, and I am feeling pretty s***ty. The issue I have is that I know all this, I know what I'm thinking is 'irrational' and that it may not be true but I don't really know what to do with myself, but I'm convinced that I could just snap out of it if I tried to. 

But, I don't think I could talk to anyone. I've got a friend at college who thinks I'm not ok and I talk to her a bit, but when she asks me if I'm ok, I never know how to respond, so I just give a half hearted "alright". She gets it but I just feel like I'd just be burdening her more with my petty problems, that I could just get over myself if I tried hard enough.

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Don't think of depression as sadness. That's certainly one element, but there are lots of others. Depression manifests itself differently in different people. You may be depressed and not sad or vice versa. To me, it sounds like you have the core symptoms.

Don't do the "snap out of it" thing. It's counterproductive and leads to guilt. What does that even mean? Think about it. I can no less snap out of depression than I can diabetes. 

I highly recommend making an appointment with a therapist. At the very minimum, that will give you a starting point. You'll have somebody to talk to, obviously, but you can decide from there if you could benefit from medication (I'm guessing you probably can). 

 

 

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Have you ever thought of getting a direct psychometric exam done by a qualified psychologist? Online tests hardly can substitute an evaluation in person. The problem is that in you answering questions according to how you access yourself is quite subjective. Whereas if you have a direct psychometric exam done. It will eliminate such problems as it will be both objective as well as subjective in nature. Since you have been toying with the idea of whether you have depression or not for quite some time,  I should think it only logical to be properly evaluated and then have whatever treatment or therapy necessary for you to live a more fulfilled and complete life.

Hope this helps.

Lovingly.

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I don't think anyone on this site can really diagnose you but I will say that guilt and self blame are sure fire ways to wind up depressed.  Taking responsibility for how others feel can stem from feeling like we are doing something wrong.  That in and of itself may not lead to depression but it can if we start to believe who we are is wrong or that nothing we ever do will be right.  I found a really good distinction between shame and guilt.  Guilt is when we feel bad about something we did where shame is feeling bad about who we are.  Shame can be good in the sense it can help us maintain our value system and avoid crossing it but when it turns into toxic shame is when we believe who we are is bad, wrong flawed.  When we start to identify with our mistakes, failings, or limitations is when our shame can turn destructive and lead to depression.  

In any event, you sound a lot like me.  I have had a lot of self blame, self consciousness and worry about hurting others.  I was hypervigilant about my every move trying to never slip up and the mere idea that I may have hurt someone, even inadvertently, would cause me to beat myself up.  I had a father that was critical of everything I did.  But he wasn't just critical of the things I did wrong, which is fairly normal, but also of the things I did well and he always criticized in an angry tone so I did everything in my power to try and not make mistakes but no matter what I did there would be something wrong with it in some way so my whole self image was based on the idea that no matter what I did I would fail and have done it wrong.  Needless to say that is why I always felt guilty about how other people felt because I just assumed I did something wrong to make them feel bad even if I wasn't involved in anyway with their situation. So take some time to ask yourself why you feel guilty and what is that guilt saying about you?  Regardless if there is depression, it may serve you well to confront your feelings of guilt because they could be hiding a deeper self image issue that could lead to full on depression if not confronted.  

There is no such thing as a perfect person but there is also no such thing as a perfectly flawed person either.  All of us have strengths and weaknesses but we each have value in our own way.  A healthy self image is rooted in having realistic expectations of the fact that we will make mistakes but knowing that those mistakes do not define us as a person.  I am glad you found this place and are talking it out.  Take care.  

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14 hours ago, The Friend said:

Have you ever thought of getting a direct psychometric exam done by a qualified psychologist? Online tests hardly can substitute an evaluation in person. The problem is that in you answering questions according to how you access yourself is quite subjective. Whereas if you have a direct psychometric exam done. It will eliminate such problems as it will be both objective as well as subjective in nature. Since you have been toying with the idea of whether you have depression or not for quite some time,  I should think it only logical to be properly evaluated and then have whatever treatment or therapy necessary for you to live a more fulfilled and complete life.

Hope this helps.

Lovingly.

No I have never seen a qualified psychologist, but to be honest I can't imagine ever plucking up the courage to do so. I am not comfortable with people like my parents, well especially my parents, knowing.

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