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No longer alive inside?


Jim92

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Back story time, I'll try to make it short..

When I was little, I was sexually abused, lived out of a car in extreme temperatures, homeschooled practically by my sister since my parents didn't get involved much, and then lived out of motels and hotels here there and everywhere. Made the abuse stop when I was 14. Skip to 18yrs..and I was angry at everything and everyone and cursed the fact that I was living. I used anger to make me feel stronger, as it slowly ate away at me. Then after significantly damaging my grandma's house in a rage, (the same house in which now I still reside) I broke down and somehow found the lord. Over time I stopped listening to metal, and my anger left me. Fast forward to 24yrs of age. I've forgiven the people who abused me and that I have to live with under God's watch. And with food, shelter and many things many poor people don't have, I should be feeling pretty good right? No.

I cannot do the following:: Swim, Bike, Drive. Nobody to teach and no money for lessons. Also, have never:: Had a gf, or been employed, or succeeded in much of anything. (And nobody wants to employ me since I have no refs, no degree, and no previous experience in anything at this age) I have no offline friends, no way to get to church, not even by walking, and cannot do anything but sit inside this house. Now further reasons for my captivity, is that 1- my grandmother cannot be left alone, she has to be looked after constantly and her other family doesn't care. 2- We have a huge dog with separation issues, who destroys the house if left alone. So out of whatever drive of responsibility that was given to me, I stay inside the house all day, except to walk the dogs day in and out while tending the grounds, or once a month I can get someone to take my place while I go catch a movie with my sister and brother in law, which they have to pay for which makes me feel even worse anyways. But even after all that, there are still times when I can keep my head up. In march I began learning 3 languages, I built an online shop from scratch to sell my art, and I thought up 14 book titles and starts to each. Then at the end of March, my temporary sporadic burst of who I feel I should be....left. And now I'm back in this same ditch. I realize I could be a total jerk and tell everyone in this house to pi** off and take my stuff and never see my family again...but that would only make things worse. I've been getting 3 hours of sleep each night, not caring to go to bed, because I know that if I'm absolutely tired to the point of barely making it through the day, I won't remember this period of my life very well.

So, I feel nothing, as though I'm alive on the outside as a front for a nothingness within. When I wake up, everything is the same, I can time everything and when it's going to happen and what is going to be said in reaction to the same exact events that happen in multiple ways that have previously been observed. Like an ant in a terrarium..I just fester here. Last year I was trying to make art professionally, but slowing down gradually to the nothing that I am now. Not that I ever sold any of it of course, but it did win ribbons at a contest. I even took two semesters at college a while back, but I think it was too little to late, seeing as I've forgotten everything.

Lately, all I've been able to do is play video games in my spare time, inbetween getting yelled at by my grandmother who has mental problems and thinks I suck. But overall, I can't manage to feel any sort of happiness or joy. The whole world and myself is one massive blegh, and I tend to hope for the apocalypse to come as soon as possible, as selfish as I've been told that is :/

I'm not covered by any insurance that I could go to for help and I wouldn't take medications anyways, just to hide the garbage with a smoke screen of chemicals. I know there's nothing to help me out........I guess I'm just ranting steam

Edited by Jim92
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hey Jim

I read your story and feel bad for you . frankly I am going through the same phase were I cant get a job and my mother thinks it is because I am lazy. I have no motivation. I dont feel happy anymore,nothing gives me pleasure and I am in depression hardly get out of bed. But today I took my medication was able to function well without emotions. but getting out of bed and function is my goal right now. I can understand your circumstances, it must be difficult for you to find hope but dont give up please. try a medication that you think would work or like I am on bupropion and it helps me function.is it completely impossible without insurance? all you need is someone to back you up and something productive for you to do.be Grateful with whatever you have this helps you find peace.  set goal, take small steps towards your goal, try to think positively about recovery. Dont give up hope. 

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