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RainRainGoAway

Anxiety about relationships/dating

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I've never been in a relationship and I think by my age most people have. I have depression and anxiety and always kind of distanced myself from other people. I had guys pursue me but I never liked any of them and I never talked much to any guys even the ones I might have kind of liked.  And since I am introverted I don't know that many people to start with.  And I always feared that dating and breakups would destroy my already fragile mind. So I avoided relationships even though deep in my heart I knew I wanted one. Interestingly life give me a surprise and I am dating this guy. It feels amazing, to have someone who cares, who I can talk to all day, and make me laugh for hours on end. Don't remember when I ever talked so deeply with someone before. It is a kind of happiness I haven't felt in a long time, or ever? The more we spend time together and realize how we "click" and I find good qualities in him, the more emotionally invested I feel, and the more scared I become. I fear I might say or do something wrong some day or I fear he might no longer be interested in me or find someone stronger and happier than me. I know I am probably not thinking rationally and now I have this awful anxiety of never finding anyone and I can't bear to live the rest of my life alone. Not sure what my problem is, I know it's anxiety and I am usually a bit anxious about regular things in life but never expected to feel anxious in this way. What I can do? Don't know what's wrong with me......

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Rain.....Memorize this phrase......"Its part of my charm"

"Yeah, cool guy boyfriend, I get anxious about alot of things, but I am awesome too, its part of my charm :)"

Its not anxiety itself that will drive a man away, it is preoccupation and worry about anxiety that will drive him away!!

So tell him what you appreciate about him often to keep him.  And remember that you have alot of charm, even your quirks, so does he.

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Hi Rain,

It is almost impossible to stop yourself getting swept away in intense love and affection, and happiness, especially when we have been longing for it for quite some time. To grow feelings for someone is inevitable, uncontrollable. 

Relationship is a risk you are taking. Outcomes are both good and bad, it is the same for EVERYONE. 

You can minimise this risk by being completely honest with him, and requesting him to be completely open to you. One day when you are comfortable enough, share your insecurities with him so that he knows where the problems lie, just as you share your strengths with him. Best is to become best friends, NEVER ever pretend in front of him. Be yourself. Do not be desperate. 

Besides this relationship, ie while maintaining it, do not forget the other priorities of your life. Do not stay awake for hours at night talking on the tele or hooked on the emails talking with him-keep your routine as it was earlier. If you have friends hang out with just as much as you did before, do not neglect them. 

Always make sure you two are on the same page, communication is the key. Do not think he "may" be in love with you, when he has not expressed anything like that. If a guy is in love with you, he will express it in words and in actions. Do not misunderstand his gestures of friendly affection (like talking for hours on end, giving flowers) as "love", unless the words are spoken out loud, do not assume it as sth else. 

Talk about his past relations, that is, if he is comfortable with it. Usually within a period of 6 months a guy should be comfortable enuf to speak about his earlier relations and why they did not work out. 

Be connected thru social media, try to meet some of his friends, if it gets deep enuf see if he introduces you to his near and dears. 

So the keypoints are: Be honest and open and tell him you expect the same from him, DO NOT assume feelings, make sure you know his connections and allies (if he does not say to you anything about his personal life or is highly hesitant to disclose, you should be a bit careful). 

These are all for minimising risks, but getting hurt is inevitable and is a part of being alive. 

 

Edited by Cloudy888

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Thanks for the replies. Well he's been doing things to show me he really cared and he confessed his feelings for me before. He volunteered his time to help me out with stuff. He's also seen me feeling really upset and said he'd always be there to talk. I don't think he knows the true extent of my depression though, as I am afraid of scaring him away at this stage. I am surprised at his compassion and respect for me, and I found myself opening up and talking about things that are beyond just "surface" conversations, and he shared a lot of things from his past too... And I am really surprised I could be myself and my true self can be extremely humorous and he'd joke that I am hurting him with laughter. But now I worry that he might be pulling away now because maybe he feels I am "too broken" or something.

I never had many other friends and due to my depression I've been drifting away from them. I am really introverted and I tend to distance myself from people, which is a problem, as that makes it hard for me to meet people, whether for regular friendships or for dating. If I had never known him maybe I wouldn't feel so bad as life would've gone on as before. But now that I've known him, I just can't go back to pretending this never happened and I never experienced this before. 

I feel... like I am in a very confused state right now.

Edited by RainRainGoAway

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It's great that you found someone who makes you feel so...alive? I would offer you one word of caution. I hear many people saying the very things you are saying about finding someone who can have deep conversations, someone who gets them, someone who loves them no matter what. I have also seen what happens when those relationships end. It often happens, in my experience, that the anxiety and depression you started with are heightened after a breakup. I hope that never happens to you and I pray that you find a great joy in this relationship. I would love to know how it goes for you. 

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