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uk1978

Hurting, Lonely, Lost

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Hi all,

I will not give my name here so please don't ask.

I am currently 38 years of age male born in 1978, I have only been with 3 girls in my life.

I was bullied from day 1 in primary and secondary, I grew up on a council estate where I was also bullied daily.

My parents brought me up properly even though I was surrounded by scum.

I tried to **** myself when I was 17 took a whole packet of Nurofen and went to sleep hoping not wake up after the 1st love of my life split up with me after 21 months. Unfortunately all the Nurofen did was give me very bad diarrhea for a week, although in my twenties a developed a hiatus hernia which I will have for life, after reading up on things could be related.

Now you need to understand I had very bad acne at this age covered head to toe still have the scars today and still suffer with outbreaks, the girl I was with was one of the best looking girls in my year and a great personality, I waited until the last day of school to ask her for her phone number as I expected her to say no and didn't want to be bullied and ridiculed even more.

After the break up I spent 5 years single but living with my mum and 2 sisters these were very dark days for me, I would go clubbing with my small group of friends and they would all pull some one every night, girls would look at me and put their fingers down their throat.

I started drinking heavily, and although im not the type of person to start a fight I was also the bigger man and would always walk away as I got started on most nights by a random stranger, well at this point I had been pushed over the edge and if some one started on me and no longer held back. So for 5 years of my life was drinking and fighting.

A this point 5 years on all of my friends had met partners and were settling down I got lucky one night and met girlfriend n02, she turned out to be a complete head case and only lasted 6 months, neutral brake up no hardship.

1 week later met girlfriend n03, the most heart warming caring loving person I had ever met in my life to ever give me any time of day, i met her parents etc and they were also very warm and welcoming. 3years later got engaged, never got round to marriage partly due to cost and partly we never felt it was necessary.

Which brings me to the present I was with this girl for 13 years, she was the love of my life, she was my world, this year has been nothing but bad for me.

Just after xmas I had a gout attack never had one before one of the most painful and annoying experiences of my life even the drugs used to cure have such evil side effects, on the day I get over the gout I was looking forward to returning to work and catching up with my colleagues when even bigger disaster struck.

My fiance had already left for work I get out the shower check my phone as new text message, yep you know where this is going, after 13 years she sends me text saying she met some one else at work and she been seeing him and she wants to brake up.

 

I was crushed devastated, didnt see it coming at all, we never argued or shouted at each other, I tried to talk to her but she was emotionless as i fell to pieces, I am an extremely emotional person.

After acouple of days of me being kicked out she has already moved him in and 1st she was texitng me then she just barred me and cut me off completely, where we waited 6 months before we even lived tgether.

So I was forced to move out stayed at with sister for a month until I could find a place, the day I finally could move into my place I had 24hr nova virus, luckily my brother in law and step dad had booked the day off to help, they ended up moving in everything for me.

Which brings me to where I am now.

So I now live in a studio flat with 0 friends as in the 13 years they have all moved on one way or another, and although i tried to keep in touch they really waren't bothered about me anymore.

3 weeks after being in the flat i some how Icaught Ammonia and I am still suffering with the cough several weeks later, I even had to have paramedics out as I was struggling to breathe.

So I really do have 0 friends none zilch, I can talk to my mum and my sisters but my mum wouldn't put me up until I got my head straight, even though she has a 3 bedroom house and only lives their with her partner, I don't really have a strong bond with his side of my family.

Then theirs my dad and although we have allot in common he has has step children and step grand children, and although he glad we have a relationship he cant always be their for me..

I get home from work just about manage to cook an eat then curl up on the sofa watching what is ever on until i fall asleep, I have never been so lonely in my life.

 

Weekends are even worse, just cannot see the point in being here....

 

I currently cannot even bring myself todo the things I enjoy (gaming online, riding motorcycles) I did try to go for a motorcycle ride and I ended up having a minor accident only damaging the bike as I was not thinking straight.

All I see is darkness, all I feel is paine and sadness, I am not angry about the situation but I am deeply hurt more hurt than I have ever been and I simply do not know how to move on as I dont' even have anyone to go out and socialize with, dating sites will not work for me as its all based on looks and I am very badly scared with pitted skin and not many women can see past this.

 

I really wish firearms were legal in the uk so I could simply blow my brains out, I dont think I could slit my wrists or throat, their are a few tall building around that I could access and my flat maybe on a high enough floor.

Extremely lonely sad and lost, with no will to live in this world.

 

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I am so sorry you feel this way. You are not alone, depression is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Are you on medication? Everyone will probably ask that question. Have you always suffered from depression? I would get on meds. It has helped me a lot. When I am in "the dark place" I also want to die. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. I am also way too sensitive, I hate it. I had the worst time last August where I had to take a month off of work and went on disability. I have never been the same. I love nature, so that helps me. My dog is my life saver. The thing I have learned is we half to stop searching outside ourselves and start within. You focus on the physical, like most people do. Hell, I have been fat all my life and I'll be 50 this year. I thought I found my truth and I had growth so much, then BANG this happened. We are not alone, we are more than we can imagine. We have to find joy where and when ever we can, and I know once you are in that dark place it is the hardest thing to do, to get back up.  I went to an out patient workshops, I don't know what they have in the UK, heck you got great insurance, I heard.  There are groups and you don't have to worry about your looks, we all have our crosses to bare. Just remember we are our worst enemy, and only see the bad. We all have to change that! Have you read "The Power of Now" by Tolle, or Deepak Chopra "The Book of Secrets"?

maybe it is time to discover who you really are. You are not what you think you are. Fear is inevitable, we all have it. Do you believe in God. If you don't, don't worry these books are not God books, more like self awareness, like being in he moment etc.

Whatever you do don't **** yourself, we can all help each other. Today is a good day for me, lately I am were you are. so lets keep in touch. Hey now you have a friend, and soon you will have a lot more.

with love and a big hug, I am a huger.

Lauen

I am expecting you to write back.  OK

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Hi uk1978 :)

Sounds like you've been through quite a bit man. I think this is a time for you to focus on you. Try to detach yourself from the world and what I mean is try not to hinge your happiness on other people or situations. Start really examining your life style and figure out how you can make improvements. When the outside world has disappointed me I start looking for ways to increase my happiness without reliance on other people or outward circumstances.

Meditation is a great start. This helps with detachment and helping you to find the infinite well of peace and happiness inside. OK short story time lol.

There was a beggar who sat upon a box and all day he begged people for money so he could eat. He did this for many years. One day someone came up and asked, what's in the box? The beggar said I don't know. The person said, 'well why not take a look?' When the beggar opened the box it was full of jewels and gold coins. 

So the point is don't be a beggar look to outside things for happiness. It's all inside you. It's the only thing that can satisfy you. This relates to Laurena's suggestion of The Power of Now which is a good book and I recommend too. Meditation can help you feel tremendously better, even 5-10 a day so I think you should start doing that.

Start improving your diet, eating healthier foods will greatly boost your mood. Something you're eating could be exacerbating your acne so you may want to research further into that. Exercise regularly as that brings instant mood improvement too. 

 

I think this post will help you tremendously so please check it out.

You're never given more than you can handle. Every challenge you've experienced was not sent to destroy but rather make you stronger. There is light at the end of tunnel and there's a payoff to all this so hang in there buddy. We're here if you ever need help :)

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Your fiance didn't appreciate you... I know that's very bad of her, but you are a kind person and the person she's seeing at work may end up being someone who's mean. She'll regret breaking up with you because you're a very loyal, very careful person who wants everything to work out and you do plan for the future.Your previous two girlfriends were lessons you should learn from, and sometimes these hardships can lead to positive moments later on. But your third ex girlfriend was really horrible, and I can see why you are suffering because of that. She's really mean too... she played with your feelings, was emotionless when you wanted to talk to her about it and barred you? Some people don't know how to appreciate the good life when they do have it... and she'll be regretting it later on.

You've had three failed relationships, but what if these failed relationships were buildups for the moments where you'll eventually succeed in finding the love of your life? Perhaps it'll be good if you also put yourself out there ... there's dating sites, there's book clubs, there's societies and everything.... don't give up. There's always hope if you have the willpower and determination. Besides finding a loved one, these clubs and societies will also allow you to meet new people, where you'll be able to surround yourself with people who will become your bosom friends, share your interests and some of these will become your hangout buddies and if you're lucky you'll even meet someone who will love you and care for you because they like who you are. 

You might fear dating sites, but your looks don't matter ... a lot of women want guys who're sweet, sensitive and nice and if your outlook shows this, you'll be surprised by how much people want you-nice,sweet,sensitive and caring guys are a rarity and you're a blessing to womankind. Be kind to yourself too and give yourself and a lucky girl the chance to be happy together.

So much to learn and do and so many good experiences to come- forget the past, and remember that if you allow yourself to recover and move on and appreciate the future, then things will get better. Also, remember that you can always talk to us at any time... want want to see that you're happy and dating a girl who appreciates and loves you for who you are and will go the distance to repair your broken heart.

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16 hours ago, Hairpy Burpday said:

We want to see that you're happy and dating a girl who appreciates and loves you for who you are and will go the distance to repair your broken heart.

Had a minor error in the post that I couldn't edit... so I corrected it here. Believe in yourself and know that you got this!

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Thank you all for your comments and kind words.

To answer some of the questions that have been asked.

Religion=

I do not believe in religion, however I do believe their is a higher power that we all ansewer too when our time comes.

Depression=

I wouldn't say I've always suffered with depression but I have always struggled with life as some one always thinks I'm a easy target and can be pushed around. I find it extremely difficult to make freinds and in my life experience they all stab you in the back or cut you off for no reason.

So depression no, lonliness and trust issues, and always nerves with people i've just met definitely. Find it very hard to be myself I also have a very sarcastic soh and believe in live and let live. Yet people in general don't get me. 

Confidence=

Even I know this is pathetic and my dad thinks it hilarious, I'm a grown man yet i really have very little confidence in myself even when I know what I'm doing  I will 2nd guess myself so many times.

------'

Lately my dad is telling me I should go see a shrink, but even that scares me as my mind goes to such dark places my imagination runs away with me, I know I would never harm anyone, but when I split with gf n01 I was fighting in the street with her parents and police were called and things went to court etc when all I wanted was to talk to her, riddiculous.

it's the hurt and paine, I am more mature now and have a better grip on my emotions, I think if I saw a shrink they would want me to be assessed as a danger. Well that isn't going to happen!

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