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*I* statements -- could be triggering?


lp44

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I feel like I'm going crazy

I feel too messed up for even what I know is an excellent therapist.

I should have left well enough alone, ya know "let sleeping dogs lie."

I wish I hadn't started this journey

I've never known adulthood without an ed

This has no end

I hold my breath every time I cut. Like I'm determined to prove I can handle anything. 

I give up. I just wish everyone would let go of me already so I can give up.

 

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37 minutes ago, Oscar K said:

Are you okay?

We are here for you. No matter how deep you go there is a way out.

We will help you find the EXIT of your depression.

NEVER give up. Life is difficult but so precious.

Thank you.

No not really ok

Not sure there is an exit for my depression. Its all too complicated.

But it's ok too, I'm just one person.

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I understand how complicated our dark subterranean landscape can be.

Don't try to figure it all out.

I find it helpful to give myself permission to take temporary shelter in my vast dark depression/cave. I try to avoid dwelling in the dark  places I must stay away from.

Every depression/cave is unique and way too complicated.

Please keep posting. We need you and you need us.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

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41 minutes ago, callierose303 said:

Sorry, not going to let go of you.  Not going to give up on you.  Don't give up on yourself.  There is a way through this.

Oh Callie :) You rock... just saying. Thank you for being you.

I really wish you would tho. I wish everybody would. It would make it easier.

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43 minutes ago, callierose303 said:

I know.  But I can't allow myself to believe that this is the best or the only path for you.

:( hope I can adopt that belief at some point

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5 hours ago, lp44 said:

Thank you.

No not really ok

Not sure there is an exit for my depression. Its all too complicated.

But it's ok too, I'm just one person.

don't let go. as one person going through depression to another don't let go.

I feel like that too, it's not worth it but then I think... 'life, you've already killed me, I'm dead inside, it's fine, you can't do any more sh*t to me, my soul is gone, you killed my dreams, you dragged me around an laughed at me, so ..F it, I'm just gonna do what I want. I'm a leftover' and thats when I just say I don't give 2 lousy Fs ... and I just do whatever I can to be. 

 it's up and downs like that. you feel like you don't wanna live one day.. and then for 30 seconds you feel good and you think I can do all these things. it's acceptance. 

just think.. the ripple effect of you being here.. someone will read your posts or talk to you and you might open up and inspire that person to get help, or to think oh crap I'm NOT alone, someone else IS going through this.

in my first round of depression (I'm on round 3) I came to DFG and psych central... I was suicidal, I wanted to get hit by a bus. I just hoped that one day I would cross the street and it would happen. I would just close my eyes and hope for it. everything hurt, depression , the trauma of what I went through.. I felt like my skin was burning and I wanted to rip myself out of my body... but I started reading other posts and I figured out.. I'm not the only one. I'm still here.

You should be too. for whatever reason, a worthy one I can't tell you what that reason is but its out there ... you should be here and now. and just go through the motions. but you're not alone. we're all walking around like you, like me, everyone with depression and we are all connected and hanging on by each other. 

just be here, ok? keep posting . every day, check in, read, write, vent. some people will reply others will like others will just read. and they don't reply bc they're not interested.. but bc it hits home or they wish they can help but they don't have words of wisdom. but trust that when we all read posts we think about you and everyone else and take time to just think about you and thinl, man I hope she or he gets through this, or man I sympathize I've been there. 

 if you can get counseling  do it , do what you can bc you deserve to be here and now .

death will come . an end will be in store for all of us but just continue to be here. Ive seen 2 people on the verge of death and it isn't what it is cracked up to be. no one wants to die, but for us depressed people we HAVE to die. bc that's what depression wants us to do. don't  let it win, just flip it off. it's taken our soul anyway. at least keep the shell.

have we not already built an live in our emotional graves anyway ?

at least we can still feel... feel and see a sunrise and a sunset, we can open our eyes in the dusk and just listen to the background noises, the crickets, the sound of cars in the road, and just feel the crispness of earth. depression can't take our senses away like that, that stuff that reminds us we are still alive.

just hang on, ok? we're all hanging on too. we can make it. 

 

Edited by ejc
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lp44: I am so sorry you are in a tough place!  I'm not going to say what you should or shouldn't do.  I will tell you I know how you feel.  I seem to have been in about the same place several times the past few months.  All negatives and no positives.

But something keeps me pushing forward.  My therapist says I have a strong will to live, but I can't see that in myself.  But I am learning forgiving oneself for any self persecution for any guilt or regrets one carries is a good start.

You have helped me and many others on this forum.  More than you probably realize.  Thanks for being the caring person you are.

Hang in there and try to take it one day at a time if  you can.  This can be hard, but at least it helps things not look so overwhelming.

Thinking of you! 

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11 hours ago, ejc said:

don't let go. as one person going through depression to another don't let go.

I feel like that too, it's not worth it but then I think... 'life, you've already killed me, I'm dead inside, it's fine, you can't do any more sh*t to me, my soul is gone, you killed my dreams, you dragged me around an laughed at me, so ..F it, I'm just gonna do what I want. I'm a leftover' and thats when I just say I don't give 2 lousy Fs ... and I just do whatever I can to be. 

 it's up and downs like that. you feel like you don't wanna live one day.. and then for 30 seconds you feel good and you think I can do all these things. it's acceptance. 

just think.. the ripple effect of you being here.. someone will read your posts or talk to you and you might open up and inspire that person to get help, or to think oh crap I'm NOT alone, someone else IS going through this.

in my first round of depression (I'm on round 3) I came to DFG and psych central... I was suicidal, I wanted to get hit by a bus. I just hoped that one day I would cross the street and it would happen. I would just close my eyes and hope for it. everything hurt, depression , the trauma of what I went through.. I felt like my skin was burning and I wanted to rip myself out of my body... but I started reading other posts and I figured out.. I'm not the only one. I'm still here.

You should be too. for whatever reason, a worthy one I can't tell you what that reason is but its out there ... you should be here and now. and just go through the motions. but you're not alone. we're all walking around like you, like me, everyone with depression and we are all connected and hanging on by each other. 

just be here, ok? keep posting . every day, check in, read, write, vent. some people will reply others will like others will just read. and they don't reply bc they're not interested.. but bc it hits home or they wish they can help but they don't have words of wisdom. but trust that when we all read posts we think about you and everyone else and take time to just think about you and thinl, man I hope she or he gets through this, or man I sympathize I've been there. 

 if you can get counseling  do it , do what you can bc you deserve to be here and now .

death will come . an end will be in store for all of us but just continue to be here. Ive seen 2 people on the verge of death and it isn't what it is cracked up to be. no one wants to die, but for us depressed people we HAVE to die. bc that's what depression wants us to do. don't  let it win, just flip it off. it's taken our soul anyway. at least keep the shell.

have we not already built an live in our emotional graves anyway ?

at least we can still feel... feel and see a sunrise and a sunset, we can open our eyes in the dusk and just listen to the background noises, the crickets, the sound of cars in the road, and just feel the crispness of earth. depression can't take our senses away like that, that stuff that reminds us we are still alive.

just hang on, ok? we're all hanging on too. we can make it. 

 

Thank you for this post. I very much appreciate your words. I'm in therapy. With an excellent therapist. I just had no idea when I started therapy that I would have to fight this hard.

I'm trying to keep going.

Thank you again... So much

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9 hours ago, highanxiety said:

lp44: I am so sorry you are in a tough place!  I'm not going to say what you should or shouldn't do.  I will tell you I know how you feel.  I seem to have been in about the same place several times the past few months.  All negatives and no positives.

But something keeps me pushing forward.  My therapist says I have a strong will to live, but I can't see that in myself.  But I am learning forgiving oneself for any self persecution for any guilt or regrets one carries is a good start.

You have helped me and many others on this forum.  More than you probably realize.  Thanks for being the caring person you are.

Hang in there and try to take it one day at a time if  you can.  This can be hard, but at least it helps things not look so overwhelming.

Thinking of you! 

Thank you highanxiety so very much. I appreciate your kind words. I feel like I take more than I give here. I don't mean to. People here are so great.

I'm trying to hang on. It's super hard to fight every day. 

I know people here do get it. 

Thanks again!

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it's a struggle lp44, I'm glad you're at least talking to someone and still posting here... that will be better than keeping it in.

sometimes I just cry in the shower. I sit on the bathtub let the water hit me and I flipping cry .. every day before work or there are things that remind me of my past and I literally have to turn my head. music doesn't feel joyful. 

it's crap isn't it? you don't need to think long term... just get by hour by hour minute by minute and then slowly you build up. 

brush your teeth, drink water, eat something, showers are good even if you don't want to- just let the water hit your body . 

are you getting by ok doing daily stuff? 

Edited by ejc
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On 5/2/2016 at 0:55 AM, ejc said:

it's a struggle lp44, I'm glad you're at least talking to someone and still posting here... that will be better than keeping it in.

sometimes I just cry in the shower. I sit on the bathtub let the water hit me and I flipping cry .. every day before work or there are things that remind me of my past and I literally have to turn my head. music doesn't feel joyful. 

it's crap isn't it? you don't need to think long term... just get by hour by hour minute by minute and then slowly you build up. 

brush your teeth, drink water, eat something, showers are good even if you don't want to- just let the water hit your body . 

are you getting by ok doing daily stuff? 

Thank you so much. Sorry I'm so late in responding.

I've been minute by minute for so long. I'm trying. I really am.

It's the daily stuff that's all that gets me through. My depression is of the "keep working and doing so you don't have to think" variety.

I have a lot of good people on my side.

Hopefully I can make positive decisions.

 

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no worries! this place is a sanctuary for when you need it, we are all here for you even if online.

it is hard .. keeping busy and staying afloat . for me the difficulty is when that high from keeping busy is over... for those times ... we will be here.

i hope every day you build, baby steps. and that's ok .

 

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16 hours ago, ejc said:

no worries! this place is a sanctuary for when you need it, we are all here for you even if online.

it is hard .. keeping busy and staying afloat . for me the difficulty is when that high from keeping busy is over... for those times ... we will be here.

i hope every day you build, baby steps. and that's ok .

 

Thank you.

And yes I crash and burn when I have no choice but to be still.

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Perhaps this could help. When I'm feeling pretty good I remind myself to store some of the "high" in my depression/cave.

It's a balancing act and skill but what choice do I have but to try and keep trying.

I insist that I'm in charge of my depression/cave and not the other way around.

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