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Long Time Sufferer. 41 And Trying My Hardest


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Hello,

So I'm a 41 year old male and hit a point in life where I realize that I have been suffering from depression for nearly 3 decades, and somehow it went unchecked and unnoticed.

I spent years covering it up, distracting, being angry, avoiding many responsibilities, living like a child, drinking, sex, internet....you name it.

Now I'm 41, and I feel used, tired, old, outdated, obsolete, and like life's 'chances' have passed me by. I've done some things, but nothing close to what I was capable of. I spent years chasing women and alcohol to feel at ease, but it never came. I search high and low for the answer in distractions and it never came.

So now, I am 41, and I feel like a child, in a Man's body. My negative self talk is constant, on a minute by minute basis. I just started to REALLY look at myself and realize I have had it all wrong...and I've failed immensely.

I came here from a mention in a book called "The Depression Cure", which I am trying to follow to the letter, but the negative talk is overwhelming.

I've failed a lot in life, I've hurt people along the way, I've wasted my time...my years...and I feel like any shot at redemption is a lost cause. My self image is of a piece of sh**t. My only redemption is that I am in shape and 'younger' looking and a talented musician/songwriter/composer...which doesn't help.

Never married, never kids, not a 'real' relationship with a woman in years...and 90% of any attempts ended badly.

So here I am. Trying, but empty, but willing to change EVERYTHING, because living the way I do is ******* me.

Life has humbled me greatly. I feel like I got the message. It really hurts to know and see it loud and clear.

Edited by KevinT
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Hello Kevin,

I did not have the intention of registering on this forum until I read your post and was baffled because the many similarities.

Until three years ago, I also did spent my whole life jumping from one relation to another, sometimes absurdly dating unknown women three times a day and just like you abusing the fact I don't look bad and younger than my real age. Always dated older women because it made me feel secure somehow.

I have been on Luvox for 15 years but that brought me into some very dangerous situations more and more and I got tired of the emotional spikes and it just stopped working. Switched to Lexapro a few months ago but quitted because feeling tired all the time.

Are you using any depression medication now?

Remember you will always feel better. We just suffer from a (treatable) inbalance on a molecular level in our brain. Only the causes are different for everyone.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say welcome to you and my apologies for my poor English, it's not my main language.

42 years old here, never married, never had kids

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9 hours ago, KevinT said:

Hello,

So I'm a 41 year old male and hit a point in life where I realize that I have been suffering from depression for nearly 3 decades, and somehow it went unchecked and unnoticed.

I spent years covering it up, distracting, being angry, avoiding many responsibilities, living like a child, drinking, sex, internet....you name it.

Now I'm 41, and I feel used, tired, old, outdated, obsolete, and like life's 'chances' have passed me by. I've done some things, but nothing close to what I was capable of. I spent years chasing women and alcohol to feel at ease, but it never came. I search high and low for the answer in distractions and it never came.

So now, I am 41, and I feel like a child, in a Man's body. My negative self talk is constant, on a minute by minute basis. I just started to REALLY look at myself and realize I have had it all wrong...and I've failed immensely.

I came here from a mention in a book called "The Depression Cure", which I am trying to follow to the letter, but the negative talk is overwhelming.

I've failed a lot in life, I've hurt people along the way, I've wasted my time...my years...and I feel like any shot at redemption is a lost cause. My self image is of a piece of sh**t. My only redemption is that I am in shape and 'younger' looking and a talented musician/songwriter/composer...which doesn't help.

Never married, never kids, not a 'real' relationship with a woman in years...and 90% of any attempts ended badly.

So here I am. Trying, but empty, but willing to change EVERYTHING, because living the way I do is ******* me.

Life has humbled me greatly. I feel like I got the message. It really hurts to know and see it loud and clear.

Welcome. Your life is a mirror of many of us here, that I'm certain of. I'm 58 and lived the same type of life; I didn't realize or was cognizant of my MI until I got off drugs. Yeah I was happy and content for a few years than I re-injured my back, this severely and required surgeries. My injury occurred in June of 88, than in September of 88 my daughter died; that's when my depression kicked fully; more physical suffering and family and friends continued to die so I would take 1step forward and 10 backwards which has brought to my present state. 

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18 hours ago, Alfa73 said:

Hello Kevin,

I did not have the intention of registering on this forum until I read your post and was baffled because the many similarities.

Until three years ago, I also did spent my whole life jumping from one relation to another, sometimes absurdly dating unknown women three times a day and just like you abusing the fact I don't look bad and younger than my real age. Always dated older women because it made me feel secure somehow.

I have been on Luvox for 15 years but that brought me into some very dangerous situations more and more and I got tired of the emotional spikes and it just stopped working. Switched to Lexapro a few months ago but quitted because feeling tired all the time.

Are you using any depression medication now?

Remember you will always feel better. We just suffer from a (treatable) inbalance on a molecular level in our brain. Only the causes are different for everyone.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say welcome to you and my apologies for my poor English, it's not my main language.

42 years old here, never married, never had kids

I used medications as a kid, maybe some in my 20s. They never helped. In fact gave me more side effects than benefits, if any benefit at all. One med, PAXIL, had me jerking and twitching for 4 months after stopping. I don't trust the stuff.

 

Sunlight, exercise, going out, being 'mindful', getting regular sleep, keeping busy....all seem to do better.

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13 hours ago, vega57 said:

Welcome. Your life is a mirror of many of us here, that I'm certain of. I'm 58 and lived the same type of life; I didn't realize or was cognizant of my MI until I got off drugs. Yeah I was happy and content for a few years than I re-injured my back, this severely and required surgeries. My injury occurred in June of 88, than in September of 88 my daughter died; that's when my depression kicked fully; more physical suffering and family and friends continued to die so I would take 1step forward and 10 backwards which has brought to my present state. 

Thanks. Sorry to hear about the deaths in your life. That can really bum people out and make them question life in general or what 'the point' of it all is.

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Hi Kevin... I decided to change my s***ty existence 2 years ago (I was 43) and go to college. I am 45 now, live with my ex husband (we are friends and share a son), and am 2.5 years into getting my degree. I struggle with depression every minute of every day, but manage to get my schoolwork done each week. 

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE! 

you're younger than me... You can do it! School is challenging at times (I have 2 kids) but it keeps me going! Because of the damn depression, everything including my future seems bleak, but I know that my degree will help me secure a good job (I work at a small restaurant now) and a future career to support me and my kids. I have NO family where I live and I've had to do every little thing on my own. You have a decent place to live, your mom that you can count on. It is definitely not too late for you! 

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I just reread my post and noticed I wrote the following sentence: "and just like you abusing the fact I don't look bad".

Ofcourse I did not mean you abused. I meant I was in the same situation as you.

My sincere apologies for any misunderstanding!

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Kevin, you hit bottom and then became willing to change. That's fantastic. It's definitely not too late for you. All the positive things you're doing will probably lead you to a really different kind of life. Sounds like you're learning a lot about self-care. 

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  • 5 months later...
On 4/6/2016 at 3:07 AM, KevinT said:

Thanks. Sorry to hear about the deaths in your life. That can really bum people out and make them question life in general or what 'the point' of it all is.

Unfortunately yes. Death in my family seems on going. The "trick" is to figure out how you continue to live but not as a ghost. One thing I will tell you and it's not a revelation I'm sure but you children should not go before the parents, especially not in multiples. So I must continue to trick myself to go on as we all must. 

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