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Out of place in the world


gart

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Ever since I was in high school I knew growing up and becoming an adult meant signing my entire life away to the economy. And now that I'm a part of it I just want so desperately to get out.

I don't find any joy in life anymore. All I do is work so I can keep a roof over my head. I hate my job and I work far too much so I don't have the time or energy to pursue anything that used to bring me joy. I dont see my friends or family anymore. I think about getting a new job, but it really doesn't make a difference in how I feel about it all. And I've tried, but unfortunately without a college education I can't work anywhere that will earn me enough money to support myself without working 60hrs a week like I do already. The job I have now isn't really that bad, especially for someone my age and education level. But none of it feels right. I hate working, I hate driving to work, I hate grocery shopping and I hate pretending that I'm okay with everything that's expected of me. I'm tired of this system I've been placed in that feigns the idea that anyone really has a choice. 

And now I started missing work, eating less and sleeping more, but none of that ever helps and I know that. I just want to escape it all. I know all this sounds childish but it's something I've cared about my whole life. I don't see the point in going on like this if I'm just going to be miserable living a life set out for me by societal standards. To make matters worse I'm the only person I know who feels this way. It's like nobody else cares to even question it. that's just how life is. But to me, if that's all there is to it then I don't want any part of it. Maybe I'm too existential, but by now this is just a part of who I am and it's hard to turn a blind eye to everything wrong when you're already aware of it all and have been for so long.

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Hi Gart,

      I'm really sorry that you are suffering like this.   I can certainly identify with everything you have written although I have never been in the situation of having to work 60 hours a week.  That seems unimaginably hellish.  I do not feel qualified or fit to say more because I am no longer in the workforce.  So the words you write are memories to me, not agonies I am currently enduring.  It isn't right, in my opinion, for someone not suffering something to comment on something someone is undergoing in the here and now.  Seems like it would be a mockery of the suffering.  I can only really say "sorry" although I know that a little word like "sorry" is poor and pitiful when up against human suffering.  You are certainly in my thoughts and I hope somehow you are able to get the joy of life back because you certainly do not deserve to be suffering! ! ! !

 

PS:  I've never told this to anyone, but now that I am an old man, I find that a day when I can give some bread crumbs to ants or give food to some hungry squirrels or sparrows is more fulfilling to me, more meaningful, more joyful than all the 30 years when I was in the workforce.  Only wish I had discovered this earlier in my life. 

Respectfully,  Epictetus

Edited by Epictetus
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17 hours ago, gart said:

Ever since I was in high school I knew growing up and becoming an adult meant signing my entire life away to the economy. And now that I'm a part of it I just want so desperately to get out.

I don't find any joy in life anymore. All I do is work so I can keep a roof over my head. I hate my job and I work far too much so I don't have the time or energy to pursue anything that used to bring me joy. I dont see my friends or family anymore. I think about getting a new job, but it really doesn't make a difference in how I feel about it all. And I've tried, but unfortunately without a college education I can't work anywhere that will earn me enough money to support myself without working 60hrs a week like I do already. The job I have now isn't really that bad, especially for someone my age and education level. But none of it feels right. I hate working, I hate driving to work, I hate grocery shopping and I hate pretending that I'm okay with everything that's expected of me. I'm tired of this system I've been placed in that feigns the idea that anyone really has a choice. 

And now I started missing work, eating less and sleeping more, but none of that ever helps and I know that. I just want to escape it all. I know all this sounds childish but it's something I've cared about my whole life. I don't see the point in going on like this if I'm just going to be miserable living a life set out for me by societal standards. To make matters worse I'm the only person I know who feels this way. It's like nobody else cares to even question it. that's just how life is. But to me, if that's all there is to it then I don't want any part of it. Maybe I'm too existential, but by now this is just a part of who I am and it's hard to turn a blind eye to everything wrong when you're already aware of it all and have been for so long.

I get what you are saying.When my anxiety gets so severe it makes me want to avoid being out in the world, so bad sometimes that I even avoid family functions, ect.

Some days are better than others and I have discovered that the fear of these situations is worse than getting out there and doing it. (work, grocery store,social functions).

Hope this makes some sense as I am having a low day today myself. Hope things get better for you soon and thanks for listening to this tired ole lady. lol

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thank you for the replies. 

Epictetus, I can relate to the last thing you said very much. One of the few things that makes work more bearable is when I go outside and watch the wildlife around me. I sometimes find myself envying the plants and animals. Their lives aren't set out for them, they don't have to worry about meeting anyone's expectations or holding up to their responsibilities. I wish human life wasn't so unnecessarily busy.

And just me 2, 

I do get very anxious from these things, and you are right about the fear being worse than the action itself. The times I missed work were so much worse than if I had just went in, but the hardest part is just getting out of bed to go there. If I could just get passed that things wouldn't be so bad.

I gave my work my 2 week notice, I found a job that's closer to home that hopefully won't work me as much. The pay is better too. When I told my friends/family they all said they were happy for me, but I just don't share their excitement.

After my lease is up I'm considering moving. A few years ago I worked at a state park for a seasonal job. The pay wasn't too great, but it was nice being so close to nature. That was the last time I really felt content with my life. My family thinks it's just a waste of time and that I'm only going to regret it later, but for now it's the only thing that I can really try to make myself happy.

I've considered seeing a doctor or a therapist, but I don't think the drugs will be able to change my opinions about working for the rest of my life. To some work gives purpose, and I respect and envy that very much. But for me it's just another expectation that I have to fulfill with the only life I'm given.

I hope things go well with the new job. Maybe working less hours will help relieve me of the feeling that my life is already determined for me. But if not I think moving elsewhere might be the best option.

 

Thanks again for the support, I'm glad to be able to talk about these kinds of things without people thinking I'm just crazy or don't have my priorities set straight. I hope all goes well for you both, your words really meant a lot to me.

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