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Reclusive/regressive/repressive thoughts and possible depression


Corbin

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I may not be the best at explaining things, but I will do the best I can to help provide you with the best information possible. If this proves to be helpful, do comment and tell me what you think of it:

I am 18 years old with Asperger’s syndrome and I hate my life as long as I can remember. There’s no doubt that my life is in a rut, after trying my best not to be depressed. I am extremely tired all the time and I have difficulty doing homework, especially since it’s spring break and I’m currently seeing a psychiatrist on Saturdays and taking medications. But then again, what good of a failure am I if I don’t know where to start?

Anyways, I’m not really good when it comes to hobbies and social activities because I suck at being myself. Probably because of the strict school I go to, where looks and sports are their first and second priorities. I can assume that the same could be said for most private schools, since they tend to be conservative, cliquish, and elitist. Although I’m not here to talk about my hobbies but myself, my hobbies consist of anime and manga, video games, music, and reading. However, I am too depressed to follow my interests because all I could think about is when my next appointment is or when I have to go back to the same school every day until I graduate from that rotten hellhole. Sometimes, I wish I was born earlier because I feel like my generation failed me.

Given, I don’t claim myself to be superior, but I’ve always developed issues like bullying (inside and outside of school), abuse, loneliness, isolation, OCD, symptoms of depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, Tourette’s, Asperger’s, solipsism, concerning sexuality, weight issues, desire to be “Goth”, introversion, and a Horatio complex. The reason why I say a “Horatio complex” is because I feel like I am the result of something from a certain event or chain of events. Examples would include me being the only one in my family to be autistic (school included), the only one to go to therapy, the only one to do this or that, etc.

That aside, I’m here because I am extremely lonely and I’m desperately in need of help. Growing up, I was “different” from the rest of the kids at school. I cared more for my subjects like math, science, English, and history, than spending time playing sports with kids. My family was and is extremely toxic and I can’t help but feel worthless because no one cares about me. My sister constantly hisses at me and tells me to “go away”, even when I’m not doing anything. My mom is difficult to describe, because even though she trusts me the most out of everyone in the family (see last paragraph for details), I can’t help but feel that something is wrong with her; as if she has some form of multiple personality disorder. She isn’t diagnosed, but I feel as if she has the symptoms. My dad is extremely distant and is too occupied in his work and can often be a rule breaker as well. Not to mention, he can be extremely uncontrollable and judging when enraged.

I was planning on explaining my family’s problems to my psychiatrist because I wanted her to help me discover the reason why my family is/was like this. However, when my mom found out about the papers I hid in my bag when I was planning on showing her, she was extremely upset, and so was my dad. Not in the enraged kind of upset, but more in the melancholic and disappointingly sad kind of upset. A few days after, my mom said to me that I shouldn’t dwell on the past and that I should focus on the present and the future in my future meetings. I was extremely angry when they found out, but I couldn’t put the energy into it because I was more depressed than upset.

I find myself needing approval from others to feel good about myself. I agree to do more for others than I can accomplish comfortably and I can often be a perfectionist because of that. I avoid responsibilities because I’m scared. I find it difficult to identify what I feel inside. The same could be said for my feelings. I can feel lonely, even in the presence of others and find it difficult to ask for what I need from others. I can’t maintain relationships because they always fall like a house of cards, leading me to trust people overall. I hang onto hurtful, destructive relationships and more aware of other’s needs and feelings than my own. I find it difficult to deal with anger or criticism, because of it. I find it hard to relax and enjoy myself because there’s nothing left for me to enjoy. I feel like a fake in an academic or professional life. I find myself waiting for disaster to strike even when things are going well in my life, leading me to develop and all or nothing and pessimistic personality.

My psychiatrist suggested that I should go to an ASD meeting for a second time and I wound up hating it. I’m not one to open up myself to others or show weakness in a large group. Only close friends or specific people would know about my feelings. Speaking of friends, I’ve been having a desire to have someone like me in most aspects, but not some. I took an interest in the gothic subculture and I wanted to model myself to look like one of them because many of the interests in goth are all about open-mindedness and I’ve been wanting to have someone to not only become my best friend, but also my best lover. What I mean by this is that I’m bisexual and I’ve recently come out to my psychiatrist about it, but I’m hiding it to my family. I’d like a friend like Kurapika (Hunter X Hunter) or Kiba (Wolf's Rain). Not only that, but I want my best friend to be my best lover. Meaning that whoever is truly my best friend, be it male, they should also be my boyfriend. I can't help but feel that effeminacy in a man is much more attractive than in a woman, because it's expected of women, but incorporates a sense of mystery in men. Not to mention, but can introverts be feminine and extroverts masculine? That's something that has been bugging me as of late. Anyways, however, at the same time, I also want to be dominated because I feel completely worthless. Not only that, but I want to find someone like that in the goth culture, along with my interests as seen above. If you want to know what I’m into, regarding hobbies and interests, feel free to ask.

As I’ve mentioned before, please comment whether or not this was too difficult for you to read. I’m asking you this because a lot of people seem to be confused in what I say and feel about certain things, but I won’t judge them or you for it. I know I sound like a people pleaser, but I do it to feel good about myself.

Edited by Corbin
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I understood & read everything you said.

Sorry that you are feeling so isolated from your classmates.  Maybe you should consider joining forums that involve manga, goth culture, & video games.  Then you can chat with people that have the same interests.

Please don't feel worthless.  If you go around seeking people that will treat you badly, it'll just make you feel worse.  You have value & worth, even if you are different from other people.

I'm glad that you joined the site.  There's lots of great people on here!

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Thanks for replying. However, even if I join those forums, I'm afraid I won't find people who have the same problems as I do, let alone ones that I can talk to or join discussions that involve depression. Also, if I do say these kind of things on any given large discussion, they'll probably think I'm seeking attention or would tell me to **** myself.

As an added note, I seem to be always tired recently. For example, I wake up earlier than normal, such as waking up at 7 or 8 or 9 and going to bed at 9 or 10 or 11, but very early at 11. Not 11:30 or 11:45. As for my comments, given, I'm a selfless and responsible person, much more so than my family will ever be. Not only that, but I tend to treat people equally, regardless of religion, race, and or gender.

I tried posting this on psychforums.com, but it didn't seem to work, so I posted this here. Thanks for your help.

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Als

4 hours ago, Jules19 said:

I understood & read everything you said.

Sorry that you are feeling so isolated from your classmates.  Maybe you should consider joining forums that involve manga, goth culture, & video games.  Then you can chat with people that have the same interests.

Please don't feel worthless.  If you go around seeking people that will treat you badly, it'll just make you feel worse.  You have value & worth, even if you are different from other people.

I'm glad that you joined the site.  There's lots of great people on here!

Also, I have difficulty finding people like me, especially those that are my age. Can you help me find some people like me?

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I kind of get what you're going through. I didn't have very many friends in school, either. During middle school, I had one friend whom I was pretty close with. But as the years went by, we just started to drift apart. We're not speaking to one another anymore.

I've always found myself more at home online. I find that the relative anonymity helps. Like, in a sense, you're not really talking directly to them. You have a curtain of sorts between the two of you, y'know? I'm not generally a participant in forums, but I've decided to join this one in hopes that someone on here may be able to help me. And if I can help someone else, then at least I've made a positive contribution somewhere along the way.

Your depression seems to stem from loneliness. My advice to you is, like the other poster said, try joining forums that pertain to your interests. Even if you can't find someone with similar problems, it might at least help you a bit to socialize with individuals who share your interests. You probably won't end up building any special friendships or anything (though there's no guarantee either way), but at least you'll have a group that you know you have things in common with.

Hope that helps.

Edited by TheVengefulOne
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On 3/25/2016 at 10:48 PM, TheVengefulOne said:

I kind of get what you're going through. I didn't have very many friends in school, either. During middle school, I had one friend whom I was pretty close with. But as the years went by, we just started to drift apart. We're not speaking to one another anymore.

I've always found myself more at home online. I find that the relative anonymity helps. Like, in a sense, you're not really talking directly to them. You have a curtain of sorts between the two of you, y'know? I'm not generally a participant in forums, but I've decided to join this one in hopes that someone on here may be able to help me. And if I can help someone else, then at least I've made a positive contribution somewhere along the way.

Your depression seems to stem from loneliness. My advice to you is, like the other poster said, try joining forums that pertain to your interests. Even if you can't find someone with similar problems, it might at least help you a bit to socialize with individuals who share your interests. You probably won't end up building any special friendships or anything (though there's no guarantee either way), but at least you'll have a group that you know you have things in common with.

Hope that helps.

Thanks and I can relate to what you're saying. I had one friend in middle school and we didn't talk to each other as much so we became more like acquaintances than friends.

I'm trying to find people to help me here. You partly right about my depression, but there's more to it than that. A lot of it also stems from sleeping, school, family, bullying, weight problems, etc.

I may not build any special friendships online, but I may be able to outside the internet, if I can find the right person.

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On 3/26/2016 at 5:46 PM, Corbin said:

Thanks and I can relate to what you're saying. I had one friend in middle school and we didn't talk to each other as much so we became more like acquaintances than friends.

I'm trying to find people to help me here. You partly right about my depression, but there's more to it than that. A lot of it also stems from sleeping, school, family, bullying, weight problems, etc.

I may not build any special friendships online, but I may be able to outside the internet, if I can find the right person.

What, specifically, about school? Grades? General environment?

As for bullying, I can't really speak from experience. I wasn't bullied much, aside from eighth grade. I'm not sure what the nature of your bullying is, but my bullying occurred during a study hall. I dealt with it by finding other places to spend my time. If you have a similar problem, try hanging out in the library or something. That's what I did.

If you're having trouble sleeping, medications could help. I have trouble sleeping too, and I take this medication called clonidine to help me with that. Speaking of medications, do you take any for depression? Those could be contributing to your weight problems. If so, I'd maybe look into switching to a medication that doesn't typically affect weight (such as zoloft).

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On 3/28/2016 at 8:03 PM, TheVengefulOne said:

What, specifically, about school? Grades? General environment?

As for bullying, I can't really speak from experience. I wasn't bullied much, aside from eighth grade. I'm not sure what the nature of your bullying is, but my bullying occurred during a study hall. I dealt with it by finding other places to spend my time. If you have a similar problem, try hanging out in the library or something. That's what I did.

If you're having trouble sleeping, medications could help. I have trouble sleeping too, and I take this medication called clonidine to help me with that. Speaking of medications, do you take any for depression? Those could be contributing to your weight problems. If so, I'd maybe look into switching to a medication that doesn't typically affect weight (such as zoloft).

Pretty much everything is a reason for my depression.

For bullying, I was bullied for about 10+ years. In pre-k and kindergarten, I was severely isolated and neglected. My understanding of social cues was minute, so I was unable to understand common social practices (i.e. vines and terms like "naw meen" or "do it for the vine."), especially in high school, where everyone seems to be a bumbling *****. I'm serious about that. Practically everyone in my high school acts like they're toddlers whereas I'm trying my best to get good grades. In 1st to 6th grade, everyone started hating me for being different. From 7th to 8th grade, everyone started beating me up. From 9th to 12th grade, it was practically everything that I've felt during my experience with life.

Speaking of grades, even though I wasn't irresponsible, I had difficulty with my teachers because they've never helped me with anything. Given, most people have had teachers that they had to deal with so I'm no different. However, there were experiences where I had teachers that have been jailed and have even yelled and slammed kids to the wall. My pre-k teacher was jailed for drug possesion and (I think) child molestation. My 2nd tutor from 5th to 6th grade was extremely abusive to me and it wasn't until I slammed the table and stood up to her abuse because I didn't want to take it. My english teacher from 8th grade made me look like an ass because I was laughing nervously.

Given, I'm a very quiet kind of guy, but some teachers want to blame me for something I didn't do. For example, my dad met with my physics, math, and spanish teachers because they thought I was "misbehaving" or something, when all they were doing was just flat out hating me for no reason. My physics teacher gave me 27 detentions out of 30 for mostly being late and even accusing me of cutting class. I thought I had ADD/ADHD because of this, but that wasn't the case.

As for medicine, I am currently taking aripiprazole and diphenhydramine (for allergies). I recently took risperidol but I stopped taking it because it wasn't as effective as it was supposed to be. They're mainly for stress and sleeping, to be honest.

Also, sorry for the late reply.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ok so I am currently taking 10 mg of the aripiprazole and it turns out that it is also making me depressed. I am having hemorrhoid problems, weight gain, and an increase in appetite. But then again, the appetite can also stem from the depression, which is why I eat more than I feel like.

I'm not compelled to do much other than graduate from high school. One of my biggest problems was being born in this generation. I've come to the conclusion that your birth is a lot like the lottery or the drawing machine game, because your birth is picked at random, including the year, month, and date you were born on. I guess I felt that I wasn't so "lucky" being born in this generation and would have honestly wished to have been born earlier. But then again, there's nothing I can change about it so I'll try my best to make a good impression out of everyone I meet.

Speaking of impressions, I have this tendency to ask things from authority figures. Given, I haven't had an issue getting along with them, with a few exceptions from my teachers. But it's this matter of regression I feel that is causing me to not get along with people, especially my parents, which is why I don't feel ready for this world. So basically, I'm a people pleaser.

My relationship with my parents is, without a doubt, awful and toxic, and is one of the reasons why I'm so depressed. They do everything to make my life miserable as possible, such as yelling, cursing, etc. I reported them to my guidance counselor back in december and things have been going pretty mellow as of late, but the cracks in the china still remain. I'll explain more later, but right now, I'm exhausted. I wake up and go to bed tired.

The reason why I talk about being born earlier is because I would've had a better chance to view the world in a better perspective, rather than be frowned upon by adults as being the worse generation. In fact, why am I born? Why was I born? Those are some of the biggest mysteries that still haven't been found out today.

If anybody needs help, just ask. I'll try my best to contribute as much as possible to the forum, because I want to make everybody happy.

Also, it seems that a lot of users here are either in their late 20s or 30s. Am I the youngest here, or are there some other users like me that are my age?
 

 

 

 

Edited by Corbin
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There are lots of people of different ages here, I'm only 2 months older than you are. I know exactly how you feel. I understand totally, what you posted almost describes me. I get that most kids our age come off as idiots I've been through the same bullying as you and I understand your desire for a person who is similar to you. I even like a fair bit of anime too. Message me if you want someone to talk to with similar views and interests as yourself then drop me a message.

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