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Moving back home with parents due to severe depression


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A year ago I decided to move abroad despite my severe depression that I'm on SSDI for. The place that I moved to is perfect on paper. I had so many options and I thought I could make it work even with my depression. Since I can still get the SSDI money abroad, I wouldn't have to work if I didn't want to or couldn't, either. Prior to the move I had been living in the same city for 5 years and while the city was also nice on paper, culturally it wasn't a good fit and I experienced a lot of abuse and rejection, which somehow was considered normal in this city. I have had depression all my life but was thinking that maybe I could recover in a different city where people weren't too cruel or abusive and I had more opportunities.

I have accomplished everything I could dream of with the move and then some. I was able to spend the summer learning the native language, then get a single, low cost apartment, which is very hard to get in this city. I was accepted to a University here and was accepted to a wonderful part time job. The last job I had was horrible and I was beginning to think that maybe I would have to change careers but I have no complaints about this job, it is in my field and has ridiculously flexible hours. The people are kind to me and I don't feel pressured. The university is also very relaxed and does not require me to take any set course load per semester. Cost of living here is amazing, I can almost live within my SSDI check, I get free health care, the people are nicer to me, and the city has many options for meetups that align with my interests and food I can actually eat (I have strict dietary requirements). I have been part of a board games group that meets weekly and while I don't feel like they are close friends, people in the group have done amazing favors for me and are kind and funny. The only "cons" I could make on a pro and con list would be something stupid like, "No Target", "Can't use some of my credit cards due to foreign transaction fee".

However, I am still deeply depressed. Ironically probably even more so than in my old city, because I felt like at least I could blame my problems on outside factors. Now it's clear that my depression is so deep-set that even putting myself in the perfect conditions does not do anything to touch it. Doctors/Therapists have started refusing to treat me for the last decade or so, and that is not specific to this city/country. I have had to improvise to get the care I needed here but now I am stuck on a medication combo that does not work for me and with no way to change it. I have seen over 10 doctors and called countless more but they are all refusing to treat me with medication. Therapy does not work for me, and even if it did, the therapists here who speak English are very limited. I tried to contact almost all of the ones who do, I thought I was going to go in to see one but he stopped responding to me (really unprofessional but not shocking because as I said doctors/therapists often refuse to treat me), and the only other one who responded seemed like a bad fit.

I have had depression my whole life and have literally tried 99% of treatments out here. This is why doctors now refuse to treat me because I am a "difficult case" and they have no more ideas on what to do, and don't like taking suggestions from me due to their ego. One good thing about where I used to live is that I had a GP, not a Pdoc, who prescribed me anything I wanted. So I admit there has been some additional stress here feeling like I cannot get the treatment I need.

I have been struggling to keep a job and live a normal life since I graduated from college, which is why I'm on the SSDI. I feel like for years I have been forcing myself to lead this "normal lifestyle" with a job, friends, school, whatever (but all part time so I don't stress myself out) but it's just becoming so clear that ANY degree of this stuff is too much. I am angry because I keep doing the "right thing". I don't abuse drugs, I am committed to getting better which is why I force myself to work, go to school, and socialize. But I don't like any of these things. The only thing I like is staying at home and watching Netflix, and also spending time with my mom. I used to have such judgement for people who moved back in with their parents, I knew a lot of guys out of college who did this, so I really fought this for years. But now, after 10+ years of struggling to have this "healthy independent lifestyle" in all sorts of shapes and sizes it is clear it just does not work. I am thinking I would like to move back in with my mom.

She does not live in a terrible place but the town is a bit small and boring for my tastes. I would by no means have the resources accessible to me that I do here. But honestly I do not take advantage of what my current city has to offer. I would rather stay at home and talk to my mom. If I can do that and be happier why not move home? In addition there seem to be more programs back where my mom lives to help and support me, while the health care is good here it doesn't seem that there is much social support here like a case worker, etc. I feel like I have to do everything myself, and I have no support system, it is just ******* me.

Has anyone else moved back in with their parents and had it be a positive experience? I think it will be but I am just nervous. Me and my mom get along pretty well but sometimes I get grumpy and irritated and can have a temper which I am working on. It's just so hard and confusing for me to make this choice because I thought that having everything I wanted would help me, and it didn't. I am scared that I would move back home and somehow be more miserable than here, and then curse myself for having everything I wanted and throwing it away. But I think my idea of what I want doesn't mix well with me being happy. I would rather lead a good life than an interesting one and that life would be at home with my mom.

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Why should you feel shame about moving in with your mom?  If it's best for you now, do it (assuming she's okay with it).  Don't worry about what "society" thinks is acceptable or normal.  When you're depressed, forcing yourself to be "normal" is deadly. 

Can I ask what is this wonderful city and country you described?

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I guess I am not ashamed, I am looking at it as I am disabled and need to move in with my family so I can get the care I need. But there is a sense of I'm "throwing something away". It was a hassle to move here and I feel like I should be VERY certain I can't make it work. But I am so exhausted now and with the lack of support I don't know if I can make it work. Every day I am just surviving, hanging in by a thread, going to work and then wishing I was back home the whole day. 

I guess the problem also is that I will never be able to live anything resembling a normal life. I would probably have to live with my mom forever. Some of her friends who didn't understand the situation judged her for it when she mentioned that I'd be moving home. I'm over 30.

I would like to be anonymous but if you PM me I can tell you.

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Please don't feel bad about moving in with your mom.  It's hard for people with depression to accept help sometimes.  I finally accepted some help from my parents and it took a LOT of courage to do it but I am so glad that I did it.  I am not living with them so it's not exactly the same.

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now.  You are reaching out and that is a good thing!

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How do you know if that's the right decision though? I love my mom so much. She just came to visit me and I cried and cried when she left. The short time she spent with me it was like I "woke up". She's creative and I could help her with her business and chores around the house and I feel like it would feel a lot more like I have purpose than I do now. But what I'm doing now sounds so impressive. I don't know why I don't get anything out of having everything I want.

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