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lp44

What confuses you about depression?

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For me?

How can I be ok and dare to hope one moment?

Feel numb the next?

Feel no hope the next?

Then have the courage to keep trying?

Then just know that I might as well take all the pills the next?

I've fought so hard. I don't get it. I'm not afraid of anything.

Stupid anxiety

Stupid depression

Stupid ed

So what confuses you?

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I am not sure anything confuses me about Depression and Anxiety, really.  I accept that I have good days and bad days...it is the disease.  It is unpredictable and harsh.  It can be debilitating, yet sometimes it seems to let go and give you a break for a while.  The disease itself is a horrible thing and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  It sucks.

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The fact that it can be so extreme, as if there is no spectrum but just two end points you'll always swing toward. On good days, a great burst of energy fills you, and that's when you really feel like conquering the world, indulging in your passions, freeing yourself from the chains of all these disorders. But on the bad days, you view the world as blurry and dipped in murky grey, and you don't even feel like moving a muscle, let alone try to break out of your prison. And the scariest thing is how quickly you could just switch back and forth: a change that probably doesn't register in your brain until you find yourself either furiously speeding through tasks, or unable to even get out of bed.

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I get confused that I still suffer it despite having read, studied and practiced in the field for years. Somewhere I still want to believe that if I learn enough about mental health I won't be susceptible to it. But that's just not true. 

 

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1 hour ago, Wrenn84 said:

I get confused that I still suffer it despite having read, studied and practiced in the field for years. Somewhere I still want to believe that if I learn enough about mental health I won't be susceptible to it. But that's just not true. 

 

Oh gosh yes... Agreed... All the knowledge in the world won't make it go away.

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11 hours ago, NeatFreakmom said:

I am not sure anything confuses me about Depression and Anxiety, really.  I accept that I have good days and bad days...it is the disease.  It is unpredictable and harsh.  It can be debilitating, yet sometimes it seems to let go and give you a break for a while.  The disease itself is a horrible thing and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  It sucks.

Unpredictable and harsh... Yes :(

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10 hours ago, swhm said:

The fact that it can be so extreme, as if there is no spectrum but just two end points you'll always swing toward. On good days, a great burst of energy fills you, and that's when you really feel like conquering the world, indulging in your passions, freeing yourself from the chains of all these disorders. But on the bad days, you view the world as blurry and dipped in murky grey, and you don't even feel like moving a muscle, let alone try to break out of your prison. And the scariest thing is how quickly you could just switch back and forth: a change that probably doesn't register in your brain until you find yourself either furiously speeding through tasks, or unable to even get out of bed.

I understand. While I don't have the huge mood swings.... I certainly have the big swings in "hope" vs "hopelessness."

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What confuses me the most about depression is how I am unable to logically explain it. I want to be able to express myself correctly so others can understand the constant emotional pain I'm enduring, and it ends up being misunderstood and I feel I have no one to talk to who would really understand what I'm going through

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I posted this story in another thread...

I had to by a new 'office' chair this week to use for my computer desk, since my current one broke. Nothing like cracking the metal base to make a person feel 'heavy'.  (sigh)  Anyway, I go to Wal-Mart and see one that I figured I would buy.  The box was 4'x3'x2' and weighed 55 pounds (about 25kgs).  Since I had only gone to 'look' I didn't bring a cart.  I was tired, and really didn't walk all the way to the front of the store, and then all the way back, only to have to walk all the way back to the cashier at the front.

I just sighed, pulled the box off the shelf, tossed it on my shoulder, and walked to the cashier.  This is a box with "use 2 people to lift" warnings plastered all over it.  Now I'm not mentioning this to boast or anything of the like, it's just that I was really tired and didn't feel I had the energy to walk back and forth to get a cart, yet somehow I can toss this on my shoulder and walk out?  So I had the strength to do that, but I didn't have the energy to get a cart? Doesn't make much sense, does it?

It makes me wonder how much of my lethargy actually reflects what my body CAN do, versus what I THINK my body can do.  How much is my mind holding me back?  How can I tell what is real, versus what I perceive to be real?

That's what confuses me.

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well, there is alot that I dont undertand about clinical depression (bipolar..to be exact). My roommate/x boyfriend suffers from it and I know that I will probably never fully understand what it is like. Of course I understand what depression is like...I do suffer from that myself but mine is situational...based on things that happen to me and others in life...which I suppose can almost be a bit clinical in a way since some of these situations are likely not to change in my lifetime (such as the exploitation of animals..this causes me serious depressions to be honest). However, getting back to what I was saying...I can not relate to getting depressed without knowing the reason for it and my heart goes out to all of you that suffer this way.

I did see a documentary called, "Boy Interrupted"....this was very eye opening for me as well. This little boy suffered from such depression since birth. I think this movie really helped me to realize just how serious of a condition clinical depression is. It is NO joke! After seeing this movie I have been better able to relate to my roommate/x boyfriend and have become much more patient with him.

 

 

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Confused by how my vision changes radically.  I can see depths and colors in profound richness at times, bland and flat others.  I mean the exact same 2d image becomes so 3d lifelike at times, I say to a companion "can't you see that", they say 'uh, sort of', which means no. 

Confused by the love/hate with the endless cycle.  Feeling the endless falling as I'm cycling into depression.  It will never end, it will never end, it will never end...then days that seem like years...completely exhausted rest happens, then out of nowhere original orchestra music fills my head, a massive burst of creativity, love, humor, and heck even patience, while still in depression, ripping me upward and out, and I'm alive, so alive until that damned inflection, until the dark dawn rises again.

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20 hours ago, ImJustMe33 said:

What confuses me the most about depression is how I am unable to logically explain it. I want to be able to express myself correctly so others can understand the constant emotional pain I'm enduring, and it ends up being misunderstood and I feel I have no one to talk to who would really understand what I'm going through

Yes I get it. One of my closest friends really wants to be there for me... but I just don't have time to educate her first, ya know?

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On ‎3‎/‎17‎/‎2016 at 10:50 AM, lp44 said:

For me?

How can I be ok and dare to hope one moment?

Feel numb the next?

Feel no hope the next?

Then have the courage to keep trying?

Then just know that I might as well take all the pills the next?

I've fought so hard. I don't get it. I'm not afraid of anything.

Stupid anxiety

Stupid depression

Stupid ed

So what confuses you?

Its the voice in your head that tells you that you will never be good enough to be loved  liked or even pitied.Some days this pull is stronger then other days, but its always there.  I have no confusion, i'm trash!

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What confuses me is how quickly I can go from laughing about something and then all of a sudden mid smile, it just melts off my face and I am sad again. It is like I have happiness dangled above me like a carrot on a stick and every time I reach for it, it is jerked away. I have the lowest self esteem, I wouldn't talk to anyone the way I talk to myself and I feel like I deserve to be miserable, like it is my punishment for being born I guess. I wish I understood why it is easier to hate myself than to accept myself.

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24 minutes ago, Steve P said:

What confuses me is that I have a lot to be grateful for,  yet I'm still depressed.

Goodness yes... This causes me tremendous guilt. I get it.

But I'm sure you know as well as I do, it's bigger than that.

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I don't know if you'll get what I'm trying to say but...

How I can lose entire months to depression and not remember anything about them at all. It's strange, they get "blacked out" and then I wake up all of a sudden, can see colors and get excited and motivated again. Like I'm re-born or something. Then someone says "Remember when that happened 2 months ago?" and I realize that I really can't and all I can do is laugh and shrug it off. I don't have amnesia, I don't have Alzheimer's but it's so weird and ****ed up !

Do you guys lose entire months like that too?? Is it normal?

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The cause(s)

Something is happening at a neurological level that defies the usual existing circumstances (social, financial, relationship, general health) one would expect to be the cause.

For all the psychological and social offshoots, depression for me has physiological roots. There's something happening inside my body that's causing the brain to 'malfunction'. 

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On ‎4‎/‎1‎/‎2016 at 9:01 PM, McPickle said:

The cause(s)

Something is happening at a neurological level that defies the usual existing circumstances (social, financial, relationship, general health) one would expect to be the cause.

For all the psychological and social offshoots, depression for me has physiological roots. There's something happening inside my body that's causing the brain to 'malfunction'. 

Thank you for posting this, McPickle. My depression is like you describe yours to be. It has physiological roots, and psychological, etc., offshoots as well.

Edited by mulberrypie

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I recently have been hit with what I can only describe as a major depression, having never had any signs prior. What confuses me most is how even though I am able to make steps forward sometimes  (go to gym, go outside), every activity feels like i'm on a timer and can only feel normal for a small period of time. Doing things that are positive for the future feel wrong because I can't see a future and thus a reason for them. This leads to thoughts of death and anxiety over that. I know it's dumb but I can't control it. 

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1 hour ago, Wontonforce said:

every activity feels like i'm on a timer and can only feel normal for a small period of time. Doing things that are positive for the future feel wrong because I can't see a future and thus a reason for them. This leads to thoughts of death and anxiety over that. I know it's dumb but I can't control it. 

It's not dumb.

I get it. "...can only feel normal for a small period of time..." I completely identify with this.

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How, as a rational, scientific person, I know that the negative things it think about myself make no sense, yet I still believe them.  

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well... does my brain try to rebuild itself during depression? when other parts of our body get wounded the body tries to rebuild itself. 

wouldn't the brain do the same too? but then we need medication and therapy to get back to some point of functionality. why?why can't the brain heal itself? 

maybe I'm just ignorant 

I don't  want to feel this way anymore 

Edited by ejc

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Brain becomes your enemy and there's a never ending battle going on between you and your outer consciousness.

Your feelings start to torture you but when you are aware of it you want to stop it but you are unable control it...

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