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A possible break from work


Icarus21

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Hi Everyone!

I'm a recent college undergrad and I have a job in online marketing and advertising. The job isn't taxing at all and my employer is very nice and easy going. I'm still kind of in training so I don't really get paid a whole lot but I'm still on disability due to some conditions I have so I still get the same amount whether I work or not. I really just wanted to be a contributing member of society since I do feel so guilty being on SSI. Anyways I have been dealing with too much emotionally. I always think it would just take one event or just one word someone says to me or just one little thing to totally set me off and completely break me. I am trying to put on this strong face. My mind just cannot focus on much else except all of the things that I keep ruminating about. College was a positive experience for many but it completely broke me. It wasn't just college but that time-frame. I did a lot of growing at that time and learned a few things, had to reinvent myself many times and have dealt with so many different issues and I just am an empty shell now. 

 

So I am dealing with PTSD at the moment and my gut keeps telling me I should just take a break from it all and just focus on my mental health which I wasn't able to do in college. It was the whole point in me finally finishing. I got a degree in something that I just didn't love but stuck with it to finish. I feel like I am not fully there at the job I have now and my employer does not know about my mental history. I am his only employee right now since it is a start up and he relies on me and I don't want to let him down. He says I do a good job but I would do a lot better if my mind wasn't so stuck on a billion other things besides work. I wish I could make work in my topic #3 priority but most days I struggle getting out of bed and just do anything i can to dull the constant thoughts. Some of these coping methods I have now are both healthy and unhealthy but am leaning more towards the unhealthy ones such as overeating which makes my situation worse. I need to exercise, eat better, actually go get some good therapy and just put all of my focus into taking care of myself better. I may be naive here. 

 

I think the biggest hurdle right now is my lost sense of self. I used to be a character. I was eccentric but I didn't mind being a little out there. I seemed to know what I wanted and had some sort of drive. I grew up in a toxic family for me and I just wasn't allowed to be myself. In college I started from someone who had goals to someone who just went through the motions. I had a difficult time their with others and I started not to care much about anything anymore. I keep beating myself up about not being able to focus as much and instead of studying right for my next certification I'm on here writing. I'm still in the same toxic household and feel like I'm stuck here because I was never taught the skills to be independent. 

 

I really want to tell my employer that I'm just not well enough to work at the moment but I am so afraid. I don't even know if I would still have the job after. I feel like my main calling is art and I know the difficulties in getting a job in art but it has always been the one thing that made me want to live life. One of the few things I am passionate about. I'm not sure how to disclose my mental history to my employer. I worked really hard so far but my mind keeps wandering off and don't see myself as someone who can be on top of things when I have a whole 5 years worth of stuff I am still dealing with and sorting out. All with no major resolve or closure. I feel like a joke. I'm not sure what to do. I need to get over my fears.

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I think you should be honest with your employer. You current situation will affect your performance at work sooner or later. You need to take a little time off to make yourself stronger. You have every right to ask for it, you're just looking out for yourself. Take things slow, recovery doesn't happen overnight. Start out with small goals, and with doing something you love and you're really good at so you can start trusting yourself again.

Opening up about those kind of things can be real tough, yeah. But it's sometimes the only option.

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2 hours ago, Ethosa said:

I think you should be honest with your employer. You current situation will affect your performance at work sooner or later. You need to take a little time off to make yourself stronger. You have every right to ask for it, you're just looking out for yourself. Take things slow, recovery doesn't happen overnight. Start out with small goals, and with doing something you love and you're really good at so you can start trusting yourself again.

Opening up about those kind of things can be real tough, yeah. But it's sometimes the only option.

You're right. I just feel so guilty about it and I know I shouldn't. It sucks we are told not to disclose our issues with our employers. I'm usually very honest and open and don't like keeping secrets or living a lie. I like being transparent. I'm in the middle of a couple projects and I'm not sure I can just opt out. I been wanting to disclose this for a month now. Now I feel like a s***ty person. :/

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10 hours ago, Ethosa said:

Don't beat yourself up over wanting to take care of yourself, but don't drag out your situation longer. Maybe finish the projects you're in the middle of right now, but don't accept any more if you can't handle it.

Hang in there :flowers:

Thank you so much for the support! It makes me feel a little better about approaching my employer and just being open and honest about my needs. I will try and give you an update when I do decide. :)

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Icarus! Tell your employer!  You and the others that commented are so right.  Your issues will affect work eventually.  They sound really laid back and cool...they may just understand your plight and all will work itself oout just fine :-).  Good luck and please keep us posted!

 

 

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Hi Icarus!

It's really hard to trust our gut when we have have been forced to ignore it in the past and have had to listen to others evaluations of how we feel and what is right for us. I just want to say I totally support Icarus's gut! ;-) Icarus's gut for president! :party:

If you feel that leaving is the right thing for you now then I hope you do it. If your employer is a reasonable person then they will be reasonable about this too.

If the job is open after then it is. If it isn't then it isn't and you can address that when you get there. I'm really glad you have had a positive first work experience. 

And Im sorry university crushed you and you feel your personality has been squashed. I see the quirkiness underneath. You have had a lot to deal with in the last years and have come to a lot of painful realisations too. 

Are there any ways you can put down more protective boundaries at home if you have to be there for a while still? 

Edited by Fizzle
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