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I hit myself in the face today


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I have been feeling so down lately. Down and angry. No one particular thing, just a culmination of frustrations and anxieties that have continued to build. This morning I woke up in a bad mood yet again. Too much on my mind; no weekend plans; usual Saturday loneliness as I lay in bed in my silent apartment. I got up, weighed myself, saw I had gained weight, and walked into the bathroom. I undressed and before getting into the shower, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself with the most disgusted, hateful look on my face. I felt this sudden feeling of fury run through me and felt like I needed to punish myself for gaining the weight, so I slapped myself in the face. Then I had the urge to do it again, so I did, but harder. Then I slapped my other cheek. Then the slap turned into a punch and I punched myself a couple times on each side (I think it was just a couple times but I don't remember exactly). I have slapped my own face before but I have never done it to the extent I did it today. My face started to feel like it was swelling so I stopped and started feeling afraid that I'd really hurt myself. I have felt like **** all day ever since. I think I need to see somebody. I just don't want anyone to try and push me to take meds. I think meds would make me feel good but they're not the answer. I have to stop hating myself and punishing myself but I don't know how.

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That sounds like the beginnings of self mutilation. Be careful how you procede. I don't think you want that on your plate. I know it's tough, I'm fighting with my weight too, hell I'm eating a twix bar as I type this ):

but that kind of behavior could turn into your release for anything over time. Not just the scale. Please ignore me if I'm going too far. I'm not a doctor. Just be careful. Stay safe

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15 hours ago, LaurynJcat said:

(((((((electric_blonde)))))))   Please don't hurt yourself again.  I have weight issues myself and have been trying to lose weight but cheated on my diet for the past few days.  It's not easy.  You deserve kindness and sympathy, not punishment.  Would you do that to someone else who gained weight?  Then don't do it to yourself.

In my eyes, I do deserve punishment. Why would I want to be kind to myself if I am self-sabotaging and being careless about staying on track? 

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If you had a little daughter who was self sabotaging and being careless about staying on track would you slap her through the face? If it was me would you slap me in the face?  

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19 minutes ago, Fizzle said:

If you had a little daughter who was self sabotaging and being careless about staying on track would you slap her through the face? If it was me would you slap me in the face?  

No and no. I treat others way better than myself. 

FWIW, I did not have a mother and father who were kind and soothing when I was emotionally distraught. So I don't intuitively know how to soothe others. I have tried learning by watching others on tv and in real life. I just can't find it in me to offer myself the same courtesy. 

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Hi, I guess thats why I said it as I did, The one thing that gets through to me about how abusive I am to myself is to think of behaving like that to someone else. You could be arrested if you did that to someone else. 

Self abuse and a lack of understanding of how to soothe almost always comes from being treated unkindly by our caregivers. 

Have you ever done DBT or something similar? 

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3 hours ago, Fizzle said:

Hi, I guess thats why I said it as I did, The one thing that gets through to me about how abusive I am to myself is to think of behaving like that to someone else. You could be arrested if you did that to someone else. 

Self abuse and a lack of understanding of how to soothe almost always comes from being treated unkindly by our caregivers. 

Have you ever done DBT or something similar? 

No, I haven't done DBT before, just CBT. I just googled it; it sounds interesting. 

I was recalling today a time in high school where I was upset about a performance in the school talent show I had not been happy with. I had played piano and made several mistakes. After we came home, I started crying and saying how bad I had sounded. Instead of consoling me, my dad yelled at me for crying and being upset and told me that I was upsetting my mother. I went to my room and did not come out the rest of the night. I think I was about 16 or so. 

There are more examples that follow that pattern from when I was growing up, and even as an adult when they have seen me upset. I'm not sure how those experiences have led to me being a self-punisher, though. It doesn't totally make sense to me. 

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I have done that to out of self-hatred talking to myself in the miror for not being able to have discipline.i don,t think its a healthy behavior.maybe you could try doing something else instead like writing yourself a note of what you want to improve.

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Few days ago I started to yell at a woman seller  in a supermarket, for no real reason. Ok, she was a bid condesending and talking to me like I am slow mentally, but that was no excuse for my behaviour, no excuse at all . and i am still ashamed about it, as it happened for a first time in I dont know how many months.

And that was very unusual for me, especially while I am depressed and on meds. My theory, which is totally amateurish is, that anger is a part of human normal everyday behaviour, but if you are not angry at all, like me, living in a stupor caused by depression and meds, this anger is stored, piling up, and when it erupts it is much more violent than the usual, everydays short burst of annoyance etc.

Well, what I want to say is, if your behaviour will not be repeated, I do not think it is a problem. Of course in opposite case....

 

 

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Apparently the way our parents nurture us gets internalised in one way or other as we grow up. We have to have an inner parent when we mature so that we can manage life. If we have been soothed and shown compassion as well as reliable boundaries then we are able to soothe ourselves when we are distressed and set ourselves good boundaries in a healthy way. It all happens without much thought or effort. Having our emotions relected and seen and feeling heard and seen all helps that happen. 

If we havent then various things can happen but for some of us we have an internal critical and abusive parent that only knows how to "sooth" through abuse and harshness. Or addiction.  For some that anger is turned outward and survival is about being the one in the right all the time. That can also happen with the over indulged. 

Regulating emotions if we never were allowed to develop self soothing is a really hard task and can take a lot of hard work and practice. It can be learnt through. There are a few therapies that work on this more and DBT is one of them. ACT is another as is MCBT, mindfulness etc. It is no magic bullet and takes a lot of hard work but our brains are plastic and we can rewire them if we work long and hard enough. 

I really did treat myself in the most appallingly abusive way (still do often)  but there are occasional times these days when I instinctually self sooth with compassion. Something I never thought would be possible. Sadly we have to parent ourselves if our parents werent able to do the job properly, 

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I feel like slapping myself today again,for the decisions i make i got done telling my professor I go to my lab tonight to get my results from last week instead of going today.Then I saw my partner for a project and told her how we could go over the idenity of the compund tonight in lab Then she said she was going to do it right now implying I should do it with her .i already had my mind set on getting home so i just said its better to do it in lab.i complain no one likes me but when people want me arond or try to get to know me i reject them because im use to having my time to myself.i was beating myself up in the car saying to myself what is wrong with you,why do you reject people,you push everyone away you cause all your problems then try to get people to feel sorry for you,you want to get drunk you selfish alchohlic.no one your alone,you need to get people around you so you look better your only getting older everyone else can maintain relationships with other people do good in school,have a house,a wife kids,see there friends pursue there hobbies etc why can,t you,your wasing your good looks you know how to talk to people but **** your chances with everyone,then play games with therpists and ppeople trying to make them feel bad for you.You use being alone as a tool to get attention from others.All you think about is your self you selfish P**k and like the drama from people not knowing whats wrong  you,you get off on it.

 I would love to hear other people who aren,t filled with self-hatred thoughts.

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I think it is important to not split yourself into the righteous one and the wrong one, by punishing yourself you are trying to distance yourself from your flaws, but until you come face to face with them and recognize that that is who you are right now, you won't be able to move forward.

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  • 3 years later...

I spent all day today fighting the urge to slap myself. I flinched and shuttered. I shouted I hate you at myself and I struggled with feelings of worthlessness and despair.  Some days are good. And I have medicine.  But it seems to work less and I'm so tired. I don't know how to make it stop. I just want it to stop. I want to cry. I want to break something. I want to die. But everytime I go for it it is so painful I chicken out. The voices in my head just get louder. I can't hold down a job. I cant have friends. I cant listen to music. I cant function. I wish this would end. 

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Welcome to the forum. 

Have you talked to anyone(doctor, therapist)  about how you feel?

I wish I had the words that could make everything better. 

This is a good place to come to talk to others who feel the way you do. Some days I just read what others wrote and I can find something to help make it through the day.

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Ive done that, some time ago i used to do it a lot, it became like an everyday thing, i was pretty out of me that time. 

2 days ago i really wanted to do it, I slap my face, i really wanted to punch me, with the knuckles on my head, but I had to resist, cause iknew how hard was going to be and how painful, but i wanted, but i resisted, so when i want i close my hand and just press it over my heard, it works. 

Do it would feel good, but didnt wanted to feel the pain, and know i hit myself, so i didnt.

Try to relax next time, closer your eyes and hold your heard with your hands help, you would really going to want to do it, but just dont, lay down in the ouch, start to make coffee or something to distract the mind, and the lay down thinking what to do. 

Its a hard thing, because when you are alone, and you are not in a good mood, and you dont have anything to distract, anything to do, anyone to talk, hit yourself seem so apealling, feel something, do something, get excited, feel adrenaline, but it hurts, and it hurts a lot.

Go to therapy its up to you, if you feel could work for you its good if you go, try it, but be ready if you feel you get frustrated because its just go and talk with someone about your probles, and its just that.

Write down your thoughts is good, but its bad when you dont get any replies,or, when the replies you recieve are boring. 

Good luck.

 

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On 13 March 2016 at 1:01 AM, electric_blonde said:

I have been feeling so down lately. Down and angry. No one particular thing, just a culmination of frustrations and anxieties that have continued to build. This morning I woke up in a bad mood yet again. Too much on my mind; no weekend plans; usual Saturday loneliness as I lay in bed in my silent apartment. I got up, weighed myself, saw I had gained weight, and walked into the bathroom. I undressed and before getting into the shower, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself with the most disgusted, hateful look on my face. I felt this sudden feeling of fury run through me and felt like I needed to punish myself for gaining the weight, so I slapped myself in the face. Then I had the urge to do it again, so I did, but harder. Then I slapped my other cheek. Then the slap turned into a punch and I punched myself a couple times on each side (I think it was just a couple times but I don't remember exactly). I have slapped my own face before but I have never done it to the extent I did it today. My face started to feel like it was swelling so I stopped and started feeling afraid that I'd really hurt myself. I have felt like **** all day ever since. I think I need to see somebody. I just don't want anyone to try and push me to take meds. I think meds would make me feel good but they're not the answer. I have to stop hating myself and punishing myself but I don't know how.

Oh wow, where do I start.. I've slapped myself before. 

I thought only crazy people did that. I've even banged my head against the wall, starting off small and then hitting it harder and harder until I made a mark. I've spent a few years hating myself too. Hating the way I looked. Hating my body. Having such low self-esteem. I would starve myself and then something would happen that would make me give up on myself, make me think, what's the point, I could never achieve anything anyway, and so I'd give in and go into self-destruct mode. 

I had an operation on my knee two years ago. I couldn't move for a while because of it, so I ended up losing all the muscle in my legs, I was also anaemic. I remember I'd feel dizzy and would get a temperature, I'd feel boiling hot all the time even though it's freezing outside. I ended up losing a lot of weight as a consequence. I guess in a way I had an epiphany. Because my body was going through so many changes I wasn't really able to control what I looked like anymore. Also just seeing the healing process that my knee went through helped me appreciate that my body was working and fixing its self. Since then I've been far more content, and have actually been able to control my weight a fair bit. 

You're right about the anti-depressants, they won't fix the self-hatred that you feel. I did a lot of meditation to help me get to this mind-set. I also try and be intuitive. Don't push myself too hard if I'm not feeling up to it. And don't compare yourself to others either. That's very important. 

I guess my advice is create some time in the day where you solely focus on looking after yourself. I tend to wake up early so I have an hour in the morning, just me on my own. I meditate, I stretch, then maybe go for a walk or do some more intense exercise if I feel like it. Sometimes just slowing down a bit and reflecting really helps. I wish you all the best, I know how hard it is to break out of that cycle of self-hatred. 

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  • 2 years later...

I got emotionally hurt and frustrated during my fight with my fiance today. I slapped myself and cried from real pain simultaneously. I wanted to stop feeling that pain. And hitting myself then, it just makes no sense. I never want to feel that way again. 

I get it. Hitting yourself can feel like a lot of things. It can also be a way to feel something other than emotional hurt also. That slap distracted my mind from my hurt feelings and focused on the red pain on my cheek and eye which took the brunt of the hit. 

I never want to feel that way again. My cheek hurts. My eye hurts. My heart also hurts. I don't know why I did this.

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