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I messed up and i now i don't know what i should do


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Alright well i was doing pretty good for quite a while keeping happy and keeping busy. I was taking care of my grandmas house and her care and some of the bills and buying and selling on craigslist making pretty good money even, but i was slowly losing it and doing what i always do. I'd had been keeping to myself shutting out everyone around me becoming isolated again, choosing to hang out with people who had previously been toxic to my well being and falling back into the habit of substance abuse. This was of no concern to me at the time because I figured if i can afforded it why not, I mean hell ive been taking care of the house for 3 years now with little help other than my uncle who also lives there but it was a tremendous amount of stress and i found myself using more often and while money has not been an issue finding my drug of choice to fuel the fire had become progressively more difficult.  So in the beginning of last month after a couple day dry spell a fellow "friend" of mine said hey i know where we can get some ********  and i said alright man lets go, and that is where it all went wrong. 

We set off on a seven hour trip to his old town some four hundred miles away in my beat up 1995 saturn, (a trip i had made once before down I-90 in the heart of a blizzard) Luckily while the february conditions were still very bad with snow,slush,and pileups it hadn't been nearly as harrowing at trip as it had been last time. After we arrived we didn't have any time to hang out or party as he had to work the following day so he ran in and got what we came for and we were quickly headed on our way.  The drive home was much more enjoyable as we took turns driving and using,but i hadn't felt good and was unable to sleep the previous night due to being out and buy the time we were closer to home everything was in such a haze that i made him drive the remainder of the trip.

Everything was perfect I was outta my mind and away from the total chaos of my day to day life drifting in and outta consciousness laying in the passenger seat. The last time i awoke before things went downhill we were close to home maybe ninety miles or so from home so i felt fairly safe so I had decided to use just a little more so i could crash out good. The very next thing i remember was being violently shaken back into reality by my friend and upon seeing all the color drain outta his face and the flashing lights behind us i knew our fun had come to an abrupt end a mere forty miles from home. We quickly hid everything that we had in a box under my seat and prayed for the best,but luck was not in our favor that afternoon (or who knows maybe it was). The trooper came to the window as with any other traffic stop and informed us that he had been swerving and that he had changed lanes without using the turn signals but that least of our worries. The Trooper could sense something was amiss but we were still ok,he took both our licences and went to his cruiser upon returning he informed us that my friends licence had been suspended and was very interested in what we were doing in his neck of the woods. Being as messed up as we were it was quite obvious that we were under the influence of something but I for some reason still felt fairly confident......then i heard the dog. 

As i was being asked to step out of the vehicle the realization of what was going to happen started to dawn on me. The rest is a blur as i could feel a second wave come over me from the movement pumping drugs through my system faster I vaguely remember the cops questioning me but my answers were mostly incoherent nonsense,then i remember passing out in the back of the cop cruiser and then sitting at the police station staring at our box, the next thing i remember is standing in front the judge and hearing my charges Felony possession of a controlled substance with intent to sell.   I remember saying quite possibly the stupidest thing of my life "I didn't have intent to sell I had intent to get high" (I later found that it was the rarity of said substance). Needless to say the judge was not impressed and set my bail to fifteen thousand dollars. 

I spent the next 5 days laying in a cell shaking,sweating,and vomiting as my body detoxed, after about a week i was somewhat able to function and was thrown into general population where i spent the next thirty days. Time in jail seems pass so slowly minutes take hours and hours take days, the food is mostly inedible slop and these tittle wheat bread loaf thing an cartons of school milk.   After about two weeks though things were passing smoothly and my screaming back pain had lessened to a dull roar and i finally met with my attorney a public defender who said he would work on getting me out but that it would be some time.

One thing that I did notice though that after my body fully detoxed what that my focus had returned to a level that I had forgotten I had and I set myself into devouring books as fast as I could read them.  I had read 17 books in the month I had been incarcerated the last of which being a Robin Cook  book titled Mutation that i had started and finished in the same evening and i would recommend, Though I think the hardest book I'd read was a small simple book titled "Tweak" By Nic Sheff simply due to the subject matter hitting so close to home and I urge anyone with any kind of substance abuse issue to force themselves through it. 


Now today I was finally released on pretrial release with electronic home monitoring and I have to sign up for various drug classes and such and i am scheduled to be evaluated for drug court or face trial and I am unsure what to do I've contacted a highly recommended criminal defense lawyer and I'm anxious to hear back from him. I really don't want to do drug court but at the same time I don't want to spend every last penny i have on a good lawyer and have nothing come of it.

In the end i messed up and either way i'll have to face the consequences its just crazy to think that this all started from trying to **** a roaring pain in my lower back and have a little fun in the process. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

well ive spent the week going to classes and evaluations and this an that and doing the evaluation for drug court and idk  if drug court comes back with a plea of 1 year conditional release after completing there program then i may take it if they tell me complete the program an then do 3 years probation then i think im gonna try my chances in court because of my lack of a criminal history there's a chance that it would be plead down to 3 to 5 years probation 

i don't really know much of whats going on yet though i really havent had very much contact from my public defender. 

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well i got a call from my public defender shortly after my reply and i was turned down for drug court they didn't seem to think i would take the program seriously idk maybe there right though i think on some level it was based slightly on my appearance. 

so now my options are down to taking a plea deal or going to trial.  My public defender wants to bring it to trial on the grounds of unlawful search and no real reason for pulling us over in the first place other than that my car is a beat up pile that only an addict would drive, an he's probably right if i were a cop i'd pull my car over too it looks like a drugmobile there's mismatched colors an pieces being held together with tape an zipties first thought when you see it is "i'll bet there on drugs". 

so idk i think im screwed my friend said i should go to rehab it would look good an idk i might try but in all honesty all i really wanna do right now is get high so i feel better and crawl into a hole and hide away idk maybe i should try to get into the 28 program 

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I've been where you are. I can't imagine a worse feeling, and I've been through it more than once unfortunately. I went to rehab while out on bail and it did help my case look better. More importantly though, it gave me just a little strength and hope that I might get through this ordeal. Only you can decide what's best for you. As for drug court, you have to REALLY be ready to devote yourself to that. It's not easy. It might be worth it though. Are you a felon already? If I could go back in time and have the chance for drug court on my first case and have it prevent BOTH jail and becoming a felon, I'd do it in a heartbeat. On the other hand, like I said, It is very difficult and I know more people who have failed at that program than succeeded. 

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