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normalistoomainstream

I think my depression is stronger than ever

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Hi, I know it's super late but I've been up with some rather negative thoughts. I've been wondering why I have depression and why God is making me suffer like this. I know there must be a purpose but I don't know what it is, I'm about to quit my current college to go to a new one because I hate it so much but I'm afraid of losing the friends I made there and that people will hate me for leaving. I know there is only a few months left but since the beginning of this academic year I have considered quitting because the pressure was not helping my depression, after having a month sick leave I thought I was okay and that I could catch up with the work but now I've realised I should not have pushed myself and left my college sooner because now I feel that its too late and I'm "In too deep" but I want to leave. I don't enjoy any of my subjects and my current college isn't very good at dealing with students with mental health problems like myself. I don't want to lose my friends, I just feel so conflicted and sometimes I wonder if I should just end it all.

I've had depression on and off for the last few years and I'm just so sick of it. Whenever I think things are good, my depression kicks in and ruins it. I'm so tired I want to give up. even my medication can't control it now. I'm so fed up, they say God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers but I don't know how much more of this I can take.

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Depression is no joke but it can be manageable believe it or not. I recently joined this forum to help myself and possibly others. I use a metaphorical approach (depression is a cave). This cave metaphor has helped me for many years. If you think you might be interested I could go into more detail. The cave metaphor allows me to see depression as a natural resource rather than a debilitating condition.

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 First I just want to say that I find metaphors to be insightful psychological tools and people often invoke a useful one without even realizing it. Anyway I came up with this metaphor some years ago when I was a very deep debilitating depression. I desperately wanted out but I couldn't think of a relevant metaphor for this bleak dark emptiness. Then it just came to me: A CAVE. It took awhile to understand all the implications and usefulness of this metaphor.

A cave is a natural formation but more importantly it is a natural resource. Every cave is unique. The forces in nature that create caves (erosion,stress,upheaval) are obviously emotionally equivalent. Trying to figure out how a cave was formed doesn't change the cave. The ENTRANCE to a cave also serves as the EXIT. Caves are better for temporary shelter rather than long-term residence. Caves can be fascinating, comforting and starkly beautiful but at the same time very dangerous. Going too deep in a cave may require help in getting out. Caves are good for storage. Unwanted, unneeded painful and harmful memories can be consigned or stored in deep and hopefully inaccessible pits. Treasured memories and precious thoughts are best stored near the ENTRANCE/EXIT. Attempting to fill in a cave creates a hole or depression somewhere else.

All this is about taking something so negative as depression and turning it into something that works for you. Kinda like the old adage : When life gives you lemons try to make lemonade. Anyway maybe this is food for thought.

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I registered because I was feeling this way too. Sometimes my suicidal thoughts last minutes, hours, and sometimes days but they always go away. That's what helps me get through it. I know I won't feel like ******* myself tomorrow or next week. Maybe this will help you too. 

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I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I don't think God ever makes us suffer, though, He allows it (see the story of Job in the Bible! Satan had to ask God's permission to afflict Job!). Paul said in I Corinthians 10 that He will not allow us more than we can bear.  I invite you to take comfort in that! God knows you can handle this. 
 
Do you think it might be helpful to talk to a counselor? I know Focus on the Family has a free counseling line at 855-771-4357. That’s maybe something to consider as you process through everything you’re dealing with. 
 
Please call, no one should have to suffer alone! 

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I had rotten coursework in college too, but made some of my best lifelong friends there, just as strong 2 decades later.

I think honestly, if you took away the 10 worst experiences of my life, I would be a terrible person with a rotten heart.  Being destroyed periodically has taught me to genuinely love people.  If God's purpose is to cry out to him in raw honestly, to learn how to really love, and to connect to real friends, then all of the painful eras were the seeds of the best parts of my life.

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