Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
MS83

Struggling With Being Single

Recommended Posts

I don't know why being single has been such a bother to me lately but for whatever reason I've been very desperate in wanting to be with someone. I realize that there are a lot of benefits to being single but it is impossible for those reasons to outweigh what I feel in my heart. I terribly miss having someone to cuddle with, hold, etc. and my depression and anxiety only fuel my worries that I will never have that in my life again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I completely understand what you're going through. I recently got divorced and am a single mom. At first, I was so focused on other things that it didn't really bother me. Now, it's not even that I necessarily want a serious relationship but I do want someone there for the same reasons you stated. I recently was messing around with someone who ended up playing mind games with me and it reminded me of WHY I wanted to stay away from relationships for a while. It just sucks that there doesn't seem to be anybody that wants a happy medium. Anyway, I guess I don't have any good advice just wanted to say you aren't alone. Self-validation and self care can be difficult- its kind of hard to cuddle yourself and have it be as good as with someone else!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My biggest fear in divorce was being alone. It came true for a while. Despite my best efforts at dating or trying dating sites, it was discouraging to say the least. I'm a good guy, but things just never happened. 

I can say that I am a person that does not like to be alone at all. It will probably never change. 

But it was far worse being married and having someone there, and feeling so alone. 

Hopefully things change. They always seem to. 

Edited by Fides

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, Fides said:

But it was far worse being married and having someone there, and feeling so alone.

 

I'm struggling with this myself. I am married yet often I feel alone. It's crazy being in a relationship and feeling like this.

Yet one of my fears related to divorce is loneliness as absurd as it sounds in my situation.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
26 minutes ago, feeling_lost said:

I'm struggling with this myself. I am married yet often I feel alone. It's crazy being in a relationship and feeling like this.

Yet one of my fears related to divorce is loneliness as absurd as it sounds in my situation.

It's far from absurd. I went through it. I got divorced because I woke up one day and my wife and I were roommates. We just existed and I felt so alone  

I should have done it years prior. But was too scared. What am I going to do? Where do I want to go? I will never find anyone. I will be alone and I will die alone. 

Trust me. It's not an absurd thought. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Fides said:

It's far from absurd. I went through it. I got divorced because I woke up one day and my wife and I were roommates. We just existed and I felt so alone  

I should have done it years prior. But was too scared. What am I going to do? Where do I want to go? I will never find anyone. I will be alone and I will die alone. 

Trust me. It's not an absurd thought. 

I am also feeling that decisions should have been made years ago. I can't say that we're like roommates since my husband has taken care of getting what he wants. I'm just feeling empty after all this.

Just existing though, that's exactly where I'm at now. But the fear of being alone and thinking how my kids will handle it - it makes it so difficult.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The problem with being single isn't being single, it's finding someone to be with that can deal with your depression. 

I was where you were just over a year ago.  When I went 'looking' I made it clear I wanted something that wasn't a long term relationship, since I didn't want to have to deal with the fallout of a failed relationship.  Imagine my surprise when I actually found someone really nice.  The only problem was after a couple months she wanted to move into a long term relationship.  She assured me that she could 'handle' that I suffered from depression.  Against my better judgement, I agreed, since I didn't want to end up lonely again.  I tried my best, I really and truly did.

I don't have to tell you how it went.  Yeah it started off great, but over time things went south. Less than a year later she dumped me because she expected 'more' from me than I could give in my depressed state.  My best just wasn't good enough. It never is. While there is more to this story of course, the reality is that I'm worse off now than when I started.  So much for her 'handling it'.  On the one hand it was quite laudable that she 'took a chance' on me, but on the other I think it was irresponsible to get into something that she really wasn't prepared to deal with. It's like adopting a child and then saying "I'm not ready to be a parent, go back to the orphanage." 

So it's a double-edged sword.  Yeah we're lonely and want companionship, but those we meet likely don't understand what depression does to a person.  They may have had limited experience with it, but with so many stereotypes and such, they don't realize that depression touches every part of a person's life.

While it may seem like anything is better than being lonely, having someone say that "you matter" and then dump you is a lot more painful than if they never said it at all.  Trust me on this. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

After reading all your posts I'm having trouble figuring out if I'm lonely because I'm depressed or if I'm depressed because I'm lonely. Either way I'm depressed and lonely.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been single for like over three years now.  Idk my last relationship ending was a hard experience and it happened at a time in my life I witnessed a lot of serious trauma due to my job. Since then I have not been the same person. I just don't seem to connect with anyone enough to think about dating them. 

sometjmes i feel so isolated and alone. I miss having someone that shares my interests . I never can find someone to go hiking snowshoeing camping fishing etc with as much as Id like. 

 But then i visit my friends and family in screwed up unhealthy codependent relationships and I just feel like oh god i don't have the strength or patience to put up with that right now. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Wrenn84 said:

I've been single for like over three years now.  Idk my last relationship ending was a hard experience and it happened at a time in my life I witnessed a lot of serious trauma due to my job. Since then I have not been the same person. I just don't seem to connect with anyone enough to think about dating them. 

sometjmes i feel so isolated and alone. I miss having someone that shares my interests . I never can find someone to go hiking snowshoeing camping fishing etc with as much as Id like. 

 But then i visit my friends and family in screwed up unhealthy codependent relationships and I just feel like oh god i don't have the strength or patience to put up with that right now. 

I feel the same way to,I went on a date and I wasn,t to crazy about the girl but I figured its healthier then being alone all the time.We ended up just drifting a part.I don,t know if I will ever have or want a long term relationship I know I want to atleast try it before I die though.I definitely don,t want to get married though or have kids so that limits women that would be interested in me.i don,t want to deal with drama or bulls***.I feel like i don,t have the ability to love anyone more and I don,t expect anyone to ever love me.Its normal to me at this point,im a bitter jaded person now.Doesn,t help im bipolar either and it will come up eventually.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello, I was just reading your commnents on my loved dog and Mac's passing, and read your post here. I feel isolated without having him anymore. I never thought I'd miss him so much, until now that he has been gone for two months.

 I can relate to not feeling like the same person. I don't even know what to do with the timeI have in my life. I used to enjoy going outside playing ball, and games of tug with his many tug toys. I took him in the car everywhere. He loved to take walks with me as much as I did with him. When his esophagus did get infected he still wanted to play, but used to gag and cough and look at me for help. I took him to the vet, and with a few meds he'd be fine again. Time was catching up with his issues. I just didn't want to believe. Like said, he was so full of life. I keep thinking he's better off now that he doesn't have to suffer, and well he did get worse right at the end. Thinking that doesn't make it any better for me.

Here, I added a very cute, and recent picture of him. This is how I remember him. His eyes looked right into my heart. I know he loved me. He was just tearing up an old towel and got the results caught in his teeth. I have so many pictures and videos. I like to see them all, but at the same time I get sad looking at my little boy's knowing face. He was fast and very witty, always curious about everything.

I'd like to write, and make friends. keep in touch.

Dusty

 

 

IMG_4949.JPG

Edited by DustyRoad
content

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/29/2016 at 9:55 AM, MS83 said:

I don't know why being single has been such a bother to me lately but for whatever reason I've been very desperate in wanting to be with someone. I realize that there are a lot of benefits to being single but it is impossible for those reasons to outweigh what I feel in my heart. I terribly miss having someone to cuddle with, hold, etc. and my depression and anxiety only fuel my worries that I will never have that in my life again.

There are a lot of benefits to being single when you have plenty of options. If multiple people are into you and you don't commit to any one person, you aren't doing anything wrong. But if you're single without wanting to be, the benefits are basically just "take the time to know yourself." Well that's not necessarily a bad thing, but personally I like to get to know myself whilst having a significant other. Currently I am in your boat as well. I do not consider myself single, as to me, that implies I am not looking for a partner. Instead I am "available." But I don't have high expectations right now. I miss having someone to love with all my might. I miss having someone that enjoys my company, and wants to know me inside and out. And I may never have that again. But just in case I have a shot of having that again, I intend to better myself as much as I can, to give females a reason to desire being with me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not sure if this is viable, and it won't really help in the love department, but when I was single and living by myself, I was way more depressed than when I was single and living with a roommate. Not sure your situation, but maybe renting with someone for a while would help. 

I was lucky in that respect. I always somehow found my way, even when times were bleak. I know this is not viable for everyone, and I know things could have been really different for me if I wasn't in the right spot at the right time. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's been hard. There were years, particularly in my early 20s that I felt so alone that I would ride the bus all day to drown out the thoughts. I would daydream of events I'd so wish were real. Dreams? Oh yes.. and wake up depressed because it was just that, a dream.

At work, it was all I could do not to break down when I see couples coming in - I'd wish that was me.

Some of the guys I see with their women, don't deserve them. They'll be on the phone..blabbing away, and the woman looks so unhappy, and I'd figure it's because he's not talking to her.

Edited by Twilight Sky

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can totally relate to your feelings here. I am single too and at the same time I live with someone that I used to date for years. We help each other out financially but I really have been feeling lonely lately for a real relationship but at the same time I feel like my living situation is getting in the way of really pursuing such a thing. To be honest, this living situation  probably benefits him more than it does me. He is trying to get on soc sec disability and I kind of promised myself (and him) that I would at least stay living with him until he finds out if he will get it. He is up to the part of the hearing stage and I so have my fingers so very crossed that he will get this. I live in his house that he owns and he is very dependent on my financial income for bills. He only works part time and I am on soc sec myself and supplement with working too. 

Lately  I have been feeling very lonely though. I am 46 years old and feel like my youth has passed me and have low self esteem because of this. I am trying to do things to improve on myself but it is not easy and only helps a bit (such as lose weight, get healthier, even some slight cosmetic procedures in the form of.having  had my 2 large front teeth filed down, something I always wanted to do) . by the way, I have never been married and have no kids. 

I have a profile on some dating sites and have it that I am just looking for dating right now due to my living situation but I have been too afraid to meet anyone ..I am afraid they will reject me so I always make an excuse when someone asks to meet. The bottom line is that I would very much love a healthy relationship with someone but dont feel too good about myself lately and dont feel so good about my chances of finding one so I can really relate to your post....sorry, did not mean to turn this around and make it about me but just wanted to let you know that I can so relate=) Thank God for sites like this that let us vent.=)

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I read through this topic and thought I should join the forum to reply, since some of the comments are so relatable for me.  In a way it's comforting to know that a lot of people are feeling exactly the same things I am, although of course it's not a good thing that any of you are.

My last relationship meant a lot to me and really truly made me happy for once; I had felt depressed and lonely from being single and felt like my life was missing something for years before I found her.  It only lasted about 2 months, but I felt completely rescued from my depression and I really thought we were making each other happy, and we never had any arguments or fights.  I was never anything but gentle and nice to her.  We would see each other every day and talk all the time.

Unfortunately, one night she wanted to speak with me in person and said that we should stop dating and go back to being just friends, and it was a total shock that I wouldn't have seen coming in a million years.  The initial disbelief lasted a few days and then severe depression hit me.  Christmas and New Year's with my family were ruined for me.

Me and my ex-girlfriend are still good friends and spend time together a lot, but whenever I ask her for a specific reason as to why we shouldn't be dating, I never get a coherent or meaningful response and feel like I shouldn't press for anything more for fear of causing a problem between us.

Sorry if I wrote too much about the story and stuff, but I definitely feel the same feelings a lot of people here are having.  I can't stand seeing any public displays of affection and have to avert my eyes right away or I'll feel depressed.  My friends say not to rush it and that being desperate may very well get me into more heartache, and I know it's true, but I can't help but feel like I need someone as soon as possible.  At the same time, I'm still attached to my ex and tell myself that I'll probably never find someone as kind and sweet as her even if I do find another girlfriend.  Not helpful, I know.  I hope that I can find a medication for my depression that works for me soon, and that I won't have to feel lonely and sad whenever I'm single.

Well, it's 7:30 AM and hopefully I can finally get to sleep now.  These feelings usually keep me awake at night (I haven't slept at all yet), but I'm glad to get them out here.  I hope all of you are able to find happiness, whether it's in a relationship or otherwise.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can kinda relate to this issue and it's nice to be able to mention it without being judged by others. I'm 17, so I'm a bit younger than some of you and I here plenty of people tell me to not to worry about it, that I've got my "whole life" ahead of me, but the fact I've been single my entire damn life makes me feel kinda s***ty. All my friends are always talking about who their with, talking about how they were hanging out with them, or whatever dispute they just had and it kinda just makes me feel empty.

Sometimes they bring up the fact that I've not been with anyone and it just makes me feel worse, it's like they're judging me. I know that I'm single, I know I've never had a girlfriend, I don't need you pointing it out for me like I've never noticed it thank you very much.

Some of you guys mentioned dating sites, but given my age that is obviously not an option even if I was comfortable about that kind of thing. Not my scene.

I can't say I feel depressed at the sight of public displays of affection, maybe it makes me feel a little jealous, but I don't think I've reached that state yet. Hope some of you have better luck in your love lifes!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Does anyone else feel like the longer their single the more selfish they get and feel fine with being alone,same thing with friends I hang out with people and im just thinking in my head this is life this is what people live and breath for meh it kinda sucks honestly,there is so much bulls*** you need to put up with to have people in your life that it feels like a chore sometimes to try to keep them around.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

my theory is, that only depressed people or people who went through depression, can understand other depressed people. Which makes a very bleak situation, as depressed people are certanly not a good choice to partner with other depressed people...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe I am the oddball here but I have been single pretty much most of my life but I honestly like it that way.

I am the type of person that finds it more depressing to have to do things that I don't want to do which is pretty much par for the course in any relationship (i.e. go places I don't want to go, see people I don't want to see, deal with someone else's family bs, compromise, etc).  So my attitude when it comes to relationships is it's pretty much my way or the highway.  Most people won't put up with that so.... goodbye, good riddance and don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

I enjoy being able to do what I want, when I want without any nagging or whining or drama from someone else.

I understand being single gets lonely at times, but IMO it's a small price to pay for having the complete and total freedom to whatever I want without regard to anyone else or their drama.

 

 

Edited by blah whatever

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a very good thread.  Loneliness can sometimes be a depressed person's best friend.  Not that I am encouraging that.  But for me, I have curbed many of my social activities to doctor and business appointments, errands, and maybe an occasional cup of coffee with a friend.  I too have been hurt by some of my oldest friends telling me something is wrong with me, in a sense attacking me for not being I guess the bubbly and social person I used to be.  

It's not even worth telling them I am depressed because most of them seem to see that as a cop out or excuse. They just don't get it.  And I can't fault them for something they have not experienced or have much knowledge about, but where is some compassion?  So, I've been conditioned to protect myself from being hurt or thrown into toxic situations by keeping about five close friends who seem to understand and I can trust, and pretty much distance myself from the rest.

I too have been asked to live with someone recently, and I said I was not ready.  I know this person is not depressed, and I realize there are some that can be compassionate.  But I don't think this person is one of them in the long haul.

So for now,  I have more control over my life on my own.  And can deflect hurt which makes me feel worse.  

I do like occasionally meeting new people, people who know nothing about you or your past.  You kind of have a fresh start and have no commitment or obligation.  Many have become acquaintances with no expectations on either side.

My mom was depressed for years while I was in high school and college.  She was a very social and popular person until she became severely depressed.  Soon only one of her friends would come see her as most of the first year she was at home in bed.  Even my own sister turned on her.  My dad was frustrated and I think they were near divorce.  She ended up in the mental floor of University hospital for about a year and a half. I came to see her quite a bit because I was attending the University where she was being treated.  Luckily her story turned out to be a happy one after so much suffering.  She connected with the right Psychiatrist, got on the right meds, and worked towards her recovery.  And she was pretty ok after that.

I guess I  look upon her experiences, being so hurt about friends not caring, nor lots of the family.  I just don't want to go through that and try to protect myself from some of what she went through.  I really felt bad for her.  And now I am pretty much in the same boat, to a lesser degree.

Try to take it a day at a time.  Keep up with therapy, and take my meds.  

So I understand how you feel, which is the beauty of this forum where we can get validation and support.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, blah whatever said:

Maybe I am the oddball here but I have been single pretty much most of my life but I honestly like it that way.

I am the type of person that finds it more depressing to have to do things that I don't want to do which is pretty much par for the course in any relationship (i.e. go places I don't want to go, see people I don't want to see, deal with someone else's family bs, compromise, etc).  So my attitude when it comes to relationships is it's pretty much my way or the highway.  Most people won't put up with that so.... goodbye, good riddance and don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

I enjoy being able to do what I want, when I want without any nagging or whining or drama from someone else.

I understand being single gets lonely at times, but IMO it's a small price to pay for having the complete and total freedom to whatever I want without regard to anyone else or their drama.

 

 

 

Im like this to an extent.I don,t understand how some people are so dependent on others,i don,t miss people anymore and don,t believe in the white picket fence bs.i don,t really have a problem compromising with people.i just don,t seem to form attachments like most people do,and i just move on if i get into fight to someone an forget them after a week.I see people on here who think about people they don,t even know for years at a time,that way of thinking is so foreign to me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...