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Small mistakes are huge to me..


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I'm waiting to be given an ADD test by my Psychologist in a couple of weeks. I've been complaining about memory problems to my PCP for a while now, so she sent me to him. This is a small vent post because I can't seem to stop crying over this...

I've only seen this psychologist once. It took me 45 minutes (after my appointment time) to get to his office even though I was on the right street 30 minutes before my appointment. I had pulled in, and walked into a dentist's office by mistake. They told me my doctor was "down the hill." So, I drove down the main road searching again, then drove back up, completely confused. I even called the psychologist and he tried to explain where his office was, and the second I hung up the phone I didn't remember a word of what he said. I had gps on this entire time. Granted, I was a little flustered and embarrassed at this point, so that was contributing. Looong story short, his office had been in the same office community, I just had to go to the second building... which was down a little hill behind the dentist office.

Not the best intro, I was just lucky they still decided to see me. My next appointment was scheduled for last Monday, but we got 6 inches of snow the night before and I'm not a very good driver so I had to cancel. My husband couldn't take me because he woke up with strep throat that day.  So I rescheduled for this morning.

I am very careful to write down all of my appointments when I'm on the phone or in person. I repeat the day, date, and time just to make sure I've got it right. BUUUT I wrote all of this info into the wrong month, so I thought my appointment was tomorrow. I couldn't get a babysitter for my 2 year old last minute, and my husband absolutely wasn't able to take off. When I called my psychologist he said "Are you sure you'll be able to make this one? Two missed times-- I'm wondering what's going on, but a third is..." Now I have to wait two more weeks for my appointment, which makes me sad because I want so much to get better.

I'm not crying because of this one instance, this was icing on my cake. I'm honestly just so unreliable. I can't stand letting people down, and my husband does his best to remind me about things. The last job I had didn't go well because of this. If I write it on paper, I'm sure to lose the paper. If I'm writing down the date, I will forget what was just said 2 seconds before and my brain will switch it to something else. Then I ask what they said 3 more times, and hopefully get it down right. I also cannot remember to get more than one thing at the grocery store, even with a list. I forget I have a list.

I'm scared that I can't be fixed. I'm only 24, so I tend to assume people think I'm not taking them seriously, or am a ditz.

 

Pessimistic rant --> over. Thanks for listening.

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wow your exactly like me i feel like a ****** everyday,for everything i forget and mess up.i experience that same thing everyday.at my old job my co-workers would joke that im like a male blonde.i lose everything mis interpret instructions.forget things lose things,lock myself out of my car,my house drop things.Do things that make no rational sense im afraid that i won,t be able to hide my absentmindedness to get a career in science or teaching.I have to make jokes and have a good sense of humor or people would be constantly p***** off at me.im embarrassed of how little I know despite being educated and being seen as a smart person

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You remind me so much like myself! I'm truly sorry you are feeling really upset at the moment. I believe you are trying your best. I think when you do all the necessary steps to remember and try your hardest to fail, it is really disappointing and it is so easy to blame ourselves. I mean it is completely frustrating. The guilt of feeling like you are letting people down and aren't reliable is really hard to deal with. I hope you can forgivebyourself as I know you are doing all you can. I think it has to do with being so overloaded. I hope you can find a way to remember easier. You aren't broken though. 

Hang in there and be kind to yourself!

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1 hour ago, scienceguy said:

wow your exactly like me i feel like a ****** everyday,for everything i forget and mess up.i experience that same thing everyday.at my old job my co-workers would joke that im like a male blonde.i lose everything mis interpret instructions.forget things lose things,lock myself out of my car,my house drop things.Do things that make no rational sense im afraid that i won,t be able to hide my absentmindedness to get a career in science or teaching.I have to make jokes and have a good sense of humor or people would be constantly p***** off at me.im embarrassed of how little I know despite being educated and being seen as a smart person

*Hugs*

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Hay there FightThePowah,

sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Reading the part of your story about getting lost reminds me so much of myself! I have spent an hour at times having so much trouble trying to find things, getting angry, flustered, and embarrassed at myself during the process. This might be taking a huge leap, since I don't know you or  your doctor, but I think your doctor is understanding. That is good that you have another appointment set up. I put my appointments in my phone and that really helps me. Would you be willing to update us on how it goes? Keep fighting things will get better.

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Totally willing to update Hazzy! My phone is a great asset, as long as I don't forget the appt time while I'm scrolling to the right hour... Lol. I have another post in the Wellbutrin section that I have been waiting for forever to update when I finaaally get the ADD test. I do think my doctor cares, even if his poker face is too legit. I appreciate you all so much, and am glad to know that you're toughing it out as well.  :buttrock:

Are you all on medication for this, if you don't mind me asking? I see that there is still a struggle and I hadn't even considered that meds might not change things as much as I expected. Thank you for saying I'm not broken Icarus. I tell myself that I am far too often. Even if I can't force my mind to behave the way I want yet, your positivity is completely contagious. I really do push myself as hard as I can, I think we have to more than most! Good thing you have such an amazing sense of humor scienceguy! :) and thank goodness we can fake it till we make it! 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I took my test and get my results back in a week! It was a lot more involved than I expected and very humbling. I wasn't able to answer a lot of questions, took a long time on simple puzzles, and on others I don't think I bombed too badly. I'm so curious to see what my doctor has to say. I've been in a really good mood lately, so I was pretty confident when I went back this time, but was shaken up after realizing some of my weak areas. I kept repeating nervous phrases and words like "um" and "oh my goodness," over and over when I felt my mind lock up, which I (and Mr. Pokerface) were all too aware of. Once upon a time, I had absolutely amazing grades in school...so I left feeling a pit in my stomach like I had taken an exam without studying.

I'm doing my best to remain optimistic about the results, but I can't decide what I am hoping to hear. 

I suppose I'm looking forward to answers!

--->feeling impatient<---

 

Edited by FightThePowah
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Today was the first day I was able to get to the office without accidentally driving by it first. Small victories

I got my test results today..! Update time

I am officially diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I scored above average for ADD but my doctor thinks it's the anxiety showing it's colors and wants to wait and see if those symptoms improve with treatment.

Most interestingly, I do have some pretty gnarly memory problems after all. Nothing I can't find ways to work around, but it was a relief to know that part wasn't in my mind ;) My visual memory was the worst, and although my verbal memory isn't great.. It was my strongest. I'm not entirely sure what that means yet! I'm just going to try to use it to my advantage. 

Treatment is going to mean starting a new drug that can treat my anxiety (finally!!) and therapy sessions. Just the idea of therapy intimidates the snot outta me and comforts me at the same time.

Since I don't technically have ADD, I guess this is farewell from this part of the forum...you all are amazing.

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I have similar issues. I'll walk into a room and forget why I came in there. I'll also let things slip through the cracks at work, enough that my boss is constantly on my case. Yes, I've got ADD and severe depression as well. It's not a fun experience.

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  • 1 month later...

I am a perfectionist at heart and I feel like it'll never go away. I have strict rules and standards for others and I hate feedback because it makes me feel down. I beat myself up a lot because of it and I have difficulty finding a major for college. Chemical engineering or some other STEM job would work best for me, but given my accomplishments, I don't feel confident enough that I'll do well because of the terrible teachers I had in school growing up. I have no time for myself, so I neglect my health a lot.

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