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Things are spiraling out of control


wanderlost

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Two months ago, I was happy as I could be. I loved my job, I had an amazing relationship with my SO, I felt great-albeit tired-all of the time.

Things have changed. I have no motivation anymore--I could barely get out of bed this morning. I am not happy anymore.

My job running me ragged. I work for a non-profit doing things I've always wanted to do. The hours are incredibly long and the pay is incredibly low, but I didn't care at first. But over the past few weeks, my manager has become increasingly abusive of my time (I'm worked like 70 hours a week), is constantly passive-aggressive towards me, and has told me I'm not a good "fit" anymore--citing reasons that basically insinuate that they think I am a liar. I am given insane amounts of responsibility and my manager takes no responsibility for any of their failings; when I am unable to complete the egregious amount of work, it's always my fault for it happening even when others have not done their part and the expectations were outrageous and disrespectful of my time from the start.

Now, I am falling behind at work. I have too much to do, my time is so fractured between 10 responsibilities and different realms and different locations; I am unable to remember things and am unproductive, despite working 10+ hours a day.

I have started abusing my prescription medication, too, (amphetamines--been diagnosed with ADHD since a young age). It helps me focus on the task at hand without realizing the maelstrom of emotions occurring inside me, helps me get through my day. But it's also messing with my emotional and mental stability. I have been internet "sex-searching" (for lack of a better term), not because I actually want to consumate anything, not for a problem with my relationship, because....I don't know, it's filling a void? Becuase I want to hurt somebody on the other end of the connection? My partner discovered this and because they are a better person than me, forgave me. I feel awful for hurting them and I hate myself for it.

I don't sleep very often any more. Between the amount of work I have, the commute, my emotional state, I didn't sleep 2/5 days last week, and averaged about 6 hours if that on the other days (on top of working Sat+Sun).

My emotions swing wildly from one extreme to the other--but have been increasingly negative recently. Rage, despair, right now it's a complete lack of anything. I feel burnt out and have no motivation, I want to lie in bed all day and not do anything. I feel dead and the worst part is I can't summon the energy to care about it.

I feel like I am losing it. There have been times over the past few months where I feel like I am watching myself. I feel like I've lost part of who I am, that it's been eaten away, and I am burning out.

I don't know what to do. Please, help me. Point me in the right direction.

Edited by wanderlost
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I am sorry you are going through all this, Wanderlost.  I would suggest talking to your primary care physician and see what s/he has to say.  The doctor can run some tests to make sure you don't have some sort of thyroid/hormone/electrolyte imbalance.

You may have depression but only the doctor can give you that diagnosis.  I feel so much better after taking an SSRI.  There are other things that can help as well like meditation, relaxation techniques, and the like.

Jobs are hard to come by but I wonder if this is the best place for you?  You seemed to be highly stressed at the moment even though you are giving it your all.

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