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Confidence Boost Or Bust?


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So I have always had confidence issues, this is nothing new to me. What is new to me is my desire to find myself. I have decided to try new things that I like and not care what other people think because it is about MY happiness and that is all that matters. So I went to the salon. I had  very long, thick and curly hair for a long time, but it was starting to bug me and the ends were dead so I figured a new haircut will be a good first step towards finding myself. I sit in the chair and tell the stylist what I am thinking. I asked for a short cut right to my shoulders but if I need to cut off another inch in order to be able to donate my hair then do it. I was also interested in a fresh and funky side cut but I was afraid I would not be able to pull it off (bone structure, face shape, etc...) but she said it would look great on me. So I did it. I cut off 10 inches of my hair and buzzed one side. I felt great leaving the salon, I felt great I was able to give a child the opportunity for a wig, and I felt great knowing that doing something small like getting a new haircut made me feel good.

Then I showed my mom...she was not thrilled. At all. She yelled at me (I am 23 and live alone, aside from when my husband is home from work) and called me insulting names. So that was the first blow. So I wake up the next day, shaking off what my mom said and I get exited to style my new do and head to work this morning. I was expecting that not everyone will like the cut, that is understandable. But I didn't prepare myself well for what really happened. Everyone looked at me with a disappointed face and said "Why would you cut off all of your hair? It looked so nice on you...", implying that I don't look so nice now. 

The 7th person stopping me to tell me that was the final blow. I ran to the bathroom extremely upset with myself and angry that I cut my hair off. I know it is just hair and it will grow back, but I just have this overwhelming feeling of un-attractiveness  and dread over what I have done. My husband is not home now (he is working) and I am going to see him Friday. He was the one who gave me the final push to cut my hair and now I cant help but feel that he is lying when he says he likes it and I will be nothing but ugly to him.  

This was supposed to help me find myself and be more confident, but it turned around and bit me in the a$$. I guess I wasn't ready for something so drastic. Sorry to bother anyone who read this. I sound so superficial now reading this back to myself. I cant shake the feeling of wanting to crawl in a hole. 

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Thanks to both of you. I keep reminding myself how I got to donate the hair and that makes me feel better. I think I will get more confident with it after I get used to the cut for a bit. It really was a drastic style change. My self esteem has always been so devastatingly low, and thinking about doing something like this gave me panic attacks. I think it shows some steps in the right direction that I was able to do it.  Now I can working on building my confidence up. My heart still pounds when I look at the shaved side!

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My mom cut off my long curly hair when I was 13. It was really short and people didn't like it very much, so since then I was terrified to try something new. But now I have few friends with really cool haircuts and they wear them with such confidence! I know it's hard to meet criticism if you have low self-esteem, but if you look in the mirror and like it (even if it scares you a bit), then f*** what others say. I love meeting brave people who abandon their boring hairstyles for something new and challenging. So go for it and own this new look!

big hugs :)

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