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I am not sure what i have?


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Do I belong on this site? Is this depression?

I woke up and found myself dead. I Went to bed normal, but I woke up dead. I feel like my essence, my spirit, my "it" left my body.  I laid in bed in amazement, something was wrong, I didn't feel right?  I was a living body with no life in it. I really thought I was dead. Life is now like living in a black and white comic strip. I am totally void of any emotion with the exception of anxiety and fear, I feel nothing. A flat line.  I don't hate anybody, I don't love anybody. Nothing you can do can make me mad, sad or glad.  The smell of coffee brewing on a Sunday morning does not elicit the joyful response it once did (this is very disturbing), nothing, zero.  I avoid all of my friends and family. If you put a million dollars in my hand I couldn't care less. This feeling is so bad I would not wish it on anybody. One interesting thing I notice is that I no longer have any enemies, I have no hate, I wish I could hate, at least I'd be feeling something.

For months now, day in day out, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week I feel like you do when you’re about to fall back in a tipping chair. It is maddening. I have this feeling of certain imminent death! I think this is anxiety?

My mind is in mental torment without end, being in total blackness, in eternal nothingness, floating through cold dark space with no one around, being alone only with my bad malfunctioning brain which is writhing in agony and in want of sleep but can't get any, been up for two months straight with only 3 hours sleep per night. My stomach continuously feeling like I’m falling on a roller coaster. Nobody can help me, I am alone in this world. My only hope is to live sixty more years like this on guard everyday not to **** myself so I don't end up in eternal nothingness forever. Then if I am good I can go to heaven and get some rest. Heaven would be great if I could just sleep like I used to. Then I think, what if there is no heaven and there is nothing but eternal nothingness. It doesn't matter if I am alive or dead, both are one in the same.   My mind is playing this thought over and over 24/7 for 3 months. It is like a tape recording. I can’t stop it. I cannot laugh or smile. I am lurking about hiding from people. It is exhausting.

I feel like maggots are maybe eating my brain, what else could explain what is happening.  It’s like somebody is tearing, ripping and cutting wires in an electrical control panel.  24/7 there is a sorta loud background noise, like a high pitched whistle? I feel as if more damage is being done daily. I am afraid it is irreversible and not repairable.  A chemical reaction that is permanently going to change my brain. I don’t know if I can ever get back to who I was. I was really normal just a short while ago, I was the life of the party. Something has taken over my mind or I think I was drugged or maybe some food I ate had a reaction and damaged my brain. I feel Like I am down at the bottom of a well and everyone else is walking around up top.

I feel like I am hurtling through empty space towards eternity in a black steel sphere 3 feet in diameter. Alone. I am convinced this is how I am going to be forever.

Every time I awake from sleep there is a split second where I were feel normal. Then it creeps down over me like a vapor. In that 1/2 second before the vapor I am hopeful that the nightmare went away. But it did not. I say Oh No! Another day of hell.

I don't shave or even care to brush my teeth, I don't shower for days. I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror, I am afraid to look at myself, I don't know who or what I am. I lost a lot of weight, I force myself to eat every other day.

Is this depression? Someone said it sounds like it is.

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Hey- very sorry you're going through what sounds like hell. Many of us here will be able to relate. It could be severe depression. Not that you have to have, but was there any precipitating stress of any sort beforehand or was you thrown straight in to this state? Have you had any blood tests done yet? Certain hormonal problems especially can cause bad depressive symptoms. 

Obviously you need to see some professionals, if you're not doing so already. I hope you find some support on this site. 

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hello and welcome to the forum! you certainly belong here, as does everyone who could use support.

i'm sure most of us have experienced the things you mention: anxiety, insomnia, emotional numbness, feeling alone in the world, anhedonia, unwanted repetitive thoughts, feeling of being separated from your identity and feelings (depresonalization and derealization). i know i certainly have.

it would be good if you provided some backstory, what led up to this event. maybe some stress or trauma? talking to a therapist may help you, maybe something has been causing more stress than you thought.

does your family have a history of mental illness?

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Thank you Ianar and virvellian for responding. You two have brought tears to my eyes. I feel like a freak. To answer your questions about precipitating events. 4 months prior, OK a girlfriend breaks up with me. But I am Ok, normal depressed, every day regular depressed. The nite before the event I was beaten by 5 people in a dormitory hallway. The next day I wake up I'm gone. So this is the cause. I went to family doctor he did take blood. He asked you staying away from friends, not eating, lost interest? I say yes, he says your depressed go see someone, but I do not tell him of the maggots in my brain. The maggots are a metaphor for what i perceive to be physical damage. I cannot believe this has any other cause. I feel my mind is chemically changed. I guess my brain weighs 2 pounds, I am operating on a pea size portion of it. It is all I function from. Thank you both. Thank you.

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13 minutes ago, aquestion said:

The nite before the event I was beaten by 5 people in a dormitory hallway. The next day I wake up I'm gone. So this is the cause. 

This suggests that you might have depersonalization disorder. It can cause a person to disconnect from their emotions, and is usually linked to severe trauma. I'm not a professional, and I'm not saying this is it for sure, but you might want to look into it.

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Did you take blows to the head during the beating? (very sorry to hear of this btw). Traumatic brain injury can cause depression. I'd try and get a brain scan if possible. Of course taking a beating is extremely stressful and traumatic in itself, that combined with the existing depression from the breakup may have tipped you in to severe depression. Sometimes a psyche can only take so much. 

You're not destined to be this way forever but you quite clearly need all the help you can get. Stay strong. 


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