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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread (3)


Lindsay

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One lawyer said they can write a letter on my behalf for $500. Apparently she has violated the law by bullying me over asking for mental health disability. They said they can mention the additional bullying and harassment in this letter. I may go for it. I have been unable to do an ounce of work today. I can't think well.

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I feel horrible.  The bad news lately is coming in waves, and I don't see an end to it.  My attempts to connect with people that might help or support me have backfired.  I alienated the one person I thought might help me.  Really losing myself and all hope.  Wrote goodbye letters to my family members.  Still not sure I'll do it, but I'm getting dangerously closer.  I'm sorry.

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21 minutes ago, One More Red Nightmare said:

I feel horrible.  The bad news lately is coming in waves, and I don't see an end to it.  My attempts to connect with people that might help or support me have backfired.  I alienated the one person I thought might help me.  Really losing myself and all hope.  Wrote goodbye letters to my family members.  Still not sure I'll do it, but I'm getting dangerously closer.  I'm sorry.

Hang in the OMRN!  Please call a help line if you need too.  Just because it seems hopeless does not mean it always will!!!

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I received some comics that I ordered off eBay and my Dad jumps me over it. Arguing over nothing is about the cause me to have a heart attack. Not even able to enjoy the time I have off work because whenever my Dad gets home I'll get yelled at over something. Every Friday, Saturday and Sunday when I pull up in the driveway after work I wonder just what will it be this time. I feel like I'm having a panic attack over all of this shiz.

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32 minutes ago, LaurynJcat said:

(((((Riverlight)))))  Glad you contacted the employment lawyer although I'm in two minds about whether you should have a letter sent to her. It might make her abusiveNess even worse.  I hope you will record any further interactions with her in case you decide to sue her.  Best wishes whatever you decide. And take good care of yourself.

Thanks so much Lauryn. My therapist advised sick leave for a few days, which I am going to do. I am talking to several lawyers to see what steps are best, if any, and what my rights are. The one who said they could send a letter seems like my best option, but I would meet with them first to discuss all the potential ramifications. I should definitely record conversations from here on out. I need to figure out how to do that though on my iphone.

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1 hour ago, One More Red Nightmare said:

I feel horrible.  The bad news lately is coming in waves, and I don't see an end to it.  My attempts to connect with people that might help or support me have backfired.  I alienated the one person I thought might help me.  Really losing myself and all hope.  Wrote goodbye letters to my family members.  Still not sure I'll do it, but I'm getting dangerously closer.  I'm sorry.

yes Red, ditto... please do hang in there.. so very sorry for what you're going through! =( I am in a sort of similar yet different boat... meaning not in a good place right now. I've written goodbye letters before too, then threw them away. This can change, it can get better.... all hope is not lost, though it may feel like it now. As Brian suggested, do call a help line if need be!! Sending you comforting thoughts and massive hugs!!!! (((((((((((hugs)))))))))

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19 hours ago, highanxiety said:

Feeling a lot of regret today.  Regrets about mistakes I have made in my life, which are many, and finding it is to late for closure because the people I really need to apologize to have passed away, at the top of the list my parents.  I had an opportunity to have closure with my dad before his death, leaving Hawaii and coming home to look after him after a stroke.  We became very close, and I was at his side when he passed.  I don't think I ever have cried so hard.  And I have lost many friends and family in my life, but losing a parent is always the hardest I think.

Since his death my life has become somewhat without purpose.  My mom passed in 1999 and we were very close as well.  So much loss of loved ones leaves you with a sense of hopelessness.  So much of myself died with them.  I don't think I will ever recover from this.  The regrets, the loss.  It all keeps repeating in my mind like an endless loop.   My grief does not seem to lessen, or go away.  Actually it has become worse.  I miss them, and hurt, and sometimes wish I could join them and be finally at peace.

What a reckless life I have led, many incidences, due to poor judgement because of drinking and drugs most of my life.  I believe there must be someone looking after me, a Guardian Angel perhaps, preventing me from harsh circumstances as the result of my actions, and even death.

Just kind of a juxtaposition of feelings I have had today. 

HighAnxiety, massive (((((((((hugs)))))))))) being sent your way! So sorry for all your losses. =( That is very painful and difficult to deal with and recover from. Try not to beat yourself up about past mistakes --- we're all human, we all make them. No one is infallible. You can always make apologies to them even now, outloud, or you could write a pretend note to them, or perhaps send it in a prayer, if you believe in that. I have done that with loved ones passed, and I felt better in thinking that they may have heard the message somehow. Just a thought. (((((((((Hugs)))))))

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2 hours ago, RiverLight said:

yes Red, ditto... please do hang in there.. so very sorry for what you're going through! =( I am in a sort of similar yet different boat... meaning not in a good place right now. I've written goodbye letters before too, then threw them away. This can change, it can get better.... all hope is not lost, though it may feel like it now. As Brian suggested, do call a help line if need be!! Sending you comforting thoughts and massive hugs!!!! (((((((((((hugs)))))))))

Thanks, River.  I don't think I would call a help line, as I don't want police coming to my house, and I don't want to be hospitalized.  I've visited my schizophrenic brother too many times in mental hospitals; I never want to be in one myself.

I'll try to give myself a couple of months to see if I can get together a new life plan.  So hard to do when you feel completely alone and unsupported.  Loneliness is a killer.  But I have to avoid thinking "all is lost" (even though much has been lost), otherwise it will be.

I'm a white male, almost 50, very likely to be unemployed soon, depressed, and alone.  I read that suicide rates among middle-aged white men in the U.S. have risen 40% in the last 10 years.  Apparently we're the most at-risk demographic now for suicide.

 

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I am feeling a bit better.  I was out on Monday night and chatted with some acquaintances.

I went to The Next Act Pub and made my lazy friend pay for us.  HaHa.   It was a small but good victory.  He was quiet afterwards. What a BUM!

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11 hours ago, One More Red Nightmare said:

Thanks, River.  I don't think I would call a help line, as I don't want police coming to my house, and I don't want to be hospitalized.  I've visited my schizophrenic brother too many times in mental hospitals; I never want to be in one myself.

I'll try to give myself a couple of months to see if I can get together a new life plan.  So hard to do when you feel completely alone and unsupported.  Loneliness is a killer.  But I have to avoid thinking "all is lost" (even though much has been lost), otherwise it will be.

I'm a white male, almost 50, very likely to be unemployed soon, depressed, and alone.  I read that suicide rates among middle-aged white men in the U.S. have risen 40% in the last 10 years.  Apparently we're the most at-risk demographic now for suicide.

 

Hey Red, a new life plan sounds very positive! I know it can be challenging to motivate under adverse circumstances, but if you can set a goal for yourself and take steps to achieve it, it will not only be exciting because it's a new direction for yourself, but also empowering. Being proactive and taking positive steps forward in life I think is very empowering. I like your thinking... to avoid thinking that all is lost. I believe you're right --- that once this false belief sinks in, it only just exacerbates and worsens depression and makes things that much harder.

And you're not entirely alone --- you do have us here for as much support as you need! A whole community of like-minded friends and fellow sufferers to lean on and talk to at any time. We're all here for you, so remember you're not fully alone.

Thinking about the demographic suicide rates I think can only make things worse. You don't need to be in that pool. You can be in the other pool of survivors. ((((((hugs))))))

 

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So I am taking a few days sick leave for a "medical issue". That is how I put it to my boss.

I found out that workplace bullying or harassment is not illegal except for in the case of clear discrimination based on sex, race, or disability. So an employer can treat their employee like a rag doll and get away with it.

The only thing I have my boss on legally is the fact that she yelled at me for asking about mental health disability. One lawyer tells me that this is actionable. She is required by law to make reasonable accommodations when made aware of someone's disability, so yelling at me is not making reasonable accommodations.

I may/may not pursue any legal action. I need her good reference for the future very, very badly and a legal action will probably ruin all chances of that. I don't know.

I am already really anxious about returning to work on Friday, and about any responses I may receive from her... about anything. I am terrified of her. My co-worker ducked out of the situation and said she didn't want to get involved. I am wondering if my co-worker is also scared of her. She creates an atmosphere of fear.

I have half a mind to resign on Friday and say F it. I don't even know if I can go back. I am truly traumatized. Yesterday I was a total zombie at work. But I need my health insurance.. and therapy.. and the income. Argh.

 

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Today is going to be one of those days. Feeling anxious and just overwhelmed. Hope all my meds work!

One of the condos I manage has no hot water. I reported malfunctioning heater last September. Now it is shot and affecting the other one. (Building is 10 units and uses two large tanks to supply hot water to all.) Plumber out twice yesterday and got them limping along. Now this AM, both are off again.  I so want to say "not my problem". Unfortunately it is now, another mess for me to clean up.

My dog had a seizure, she is epileptic and I have always known that since I adopted her, but she had been doing so well and now they are coming more frequently. She has some other issues needing attention, I see $$$$ going out the door.

 

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(((Hugs))) to all who are suffering, struggling, etc. I feel sort of pathetic and just a little bit lazy not addressing each of you individually, but I am feeling the worst I've felt in a long long time. I think I am slipping into another major depressive episode, as opposed to the milder dysthymia that I usually  live with on a daily basis. All the telltale symptoms are creeping in: slowed speech and movement, no appetite, constant suicidal ideation. I found myself looking at websites selling lethal "devices" the other day, which I know isn't a good thing. I see the psychiatrist I saw a while back next week and will tell him what's going on. I also started seeing a T again, a kind woman who I saw about a year ago, but stopped seeing due to financial reasons. I still don't know how I'm going to afford meds and therapy, as my company's insurance plans are horrible. The one half-decent plan they have costs 160 a month out of pocket, and I just cant afford that. And even with that plan, specialist visits still cost 45 a pop. I make "too much money"  *snort* to qualify for Medicaid or for the low-income programs/clinics offered at several locations in the city  So I don't know..but if I don't do something, this disease is going to k.i.l.l. me, son or no son.

I am really starting to loathe insurance companies....and the medical profession   in general.

 

Sorry for the rant. Hoping for better days for us all. t

 

 

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(((((((Brian))))))))

((((((((LonelyHiker)))))))))))

((((((((Donald))))))))

Sending hugs, cute puppy dogs, kittens, rainbows, and rays of sunshine! Hope we all have much better days ahead!

I just hired a resume writer --- first proactive step --- $100. Hope she does a bang up job! Fingers crossed. Now I need to look for jobs... second proactive step. Dammit, i am going to get the hell out if it's the last thing I do.

 

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I feel ashamed that my depression got back. My folks never believed that depression was a real thing, and now when it's back they say I am not depressed, but weak and that I can't achieve anything.

Now I want to go to sleep, reset the day and try to do better. Maybe tomorrow when the sun's up I will actually feel happier.

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2 hours ago, stolenmile said:

I feel ashamed that my depression got back. My folks never believed that depression was a real thing, and now when it's back they say I am not depressed, but weak and that I can't achieve anything.

Now I want to go to sleep, reset the day and try to do better. Maybe tomorrow when the sun's up I will actually feel happier.

Hi Stolen.  Please know that you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.  You a sick, and that is not your fault :)  I am sorry that you are getting no support.  It sounds like my household, way back in the day.  But, there you go. Hugs!!!!  You deserve to be listened to and helped.

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I am really bored.  But, at least I got up the courage to book a meeting with my boss for tomorrow to review and discussion my proposal for what I will be doing from now on.  I am afraid of the meeting because I am so used to him cutting everything I come up with down.  Nevertheless, it needs to happen so I can get moving - these days are interminable.  Two more hours to go.

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