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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread (3)

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2 hours ago, Dolphin2013 said:

My job stuff...I want to create my own writing business, but really, I want to write poetry, novels, and essays about baseball. Those things (probably) don't make money. Although I've started blogging about baseball, I haven't made my posts public yet.

So, I want a part-time job to to help me appease my guilt over not making money. Also, there are material things I want, such as the ability to travel and visit friends. A part time job will help with some of my guilt over my desire to take a small trip to visit friends. 

Another thing I've thought of doing to give myself money is to close a retirement account that I don't add to. It's a state pension fund. I think I'm eligible to withdraw it all. It's a very small amount of money, but it will help with fixing the brakes on my car.

I'm thinking out loud here, but now I have a strategy for finishing at least one application!

As for how I'm feeling: mixture of emotions. I tapped into feelings about being raped when I was 17, when I went to see my therapist on Thursday. I'm still trying to get back into my body.  Part of the traveling I want to do is to visit the place where it happened and smudge it or clean it in some way. But I can't imagine being there alone and I don't know who would come with me.

I would go with you!:hugs:

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23 hours ago, Barrier Maiden said:

I'm feeling all right. For the first time in almost ten years, I have a job. It's minimum wage working for a Halloween store for a few months (this one opens in freaking August, lol), but it's something. :yay:

Well done dude, getting any job is hard work these days no matter where you live. 

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3 hours ago, Dolphin2013 said:

My job stuff...I want to create my own writing business, but really, I want to write poetry, novels, and essays about baseball. Those things (probably) don't make money. Although I've started blogging about baseball, I haven't made my posts public yet.

So, I want a part-time job to to help me appease my guilt over not making money. Also, there are material things I want, such as the ability to travel and visit friends. A part time job will help with some of my guilt over my desire to take a small trip to visit friends. 

Another thing I've thought of doing to give myself money is to close a retirement account that I don't add to. It's a state pension fund. I think I'm eligible to withdraw it all. It's a very small amount of money, but it will help with fixing the brakes on my car.

I'm thinking out loud here, but now I have a strategy for finishing at least one application!

As for how I'm feeling: mixture of emotions. I tapped into feelings about being raped when I was 17, when I went to see my therapist on Thursday. I'm still trying to get back into my body.  Part of the traveling I want to do is to visit the place where it happened and smudge it or clean it in some way. But I can't imagine being there alone and I don't know who would come with me.

I am so sorry about your past and the terrible thing that was done to you, Dolphin.  Hang on to those dreams though and go where you a pulled.  There is a future!!!

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A bit sun frazzled but reasonably happy, I went car booting this morning for a few hours and had some interesting conversations with some of the stall holders which made me feel less lonely and more connected with other people :nod: after that I had a nice walk in the sun with an ice cream down by the canal and then I drove to somewhere I hadn't visited in a long time and dusted the cobwebs of some old memories. I met my first ever proper girlfriend there ten years ago for our first date so I found myself smiling a lot looking at things and remembering what it was like to be young and in love for the first time :smile: , had a look round the charity shops and got chatting to the owner of a music shop, he was from the Czech republic so he was telling me all about his country :smile: , oh and I had a moment where my heart took a nice flutter, I stopped to ask a young lady outside the pub for directions and we had a little chat and a flirt, alas she was just waiting for her lady friends so it wasn't for long, she gave me a wistful glance goodbye as they left, bl**dy friends couldn't they have sat checking Facebook for a while or something :laugh:

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My biggest issue is that I have never had a connection, a companion, a place.  No one who "gets me."  I wonder why this is so important, but the desire/need will not go away.

I got triggered last weekend by two social events on successive days.  Went out with "friends" who have 180 degree different values than I do, then hosting parents, two people I am more that 180 degrees away from in every way.  Despite 23 years of marriage and 5 years with a lovely lady, I was never able to open up and be myself - which, I think, you have to do in order to be known, validated.

I have always felt so alone.  I have been alone.  I don't fit into this world like others seem to.  I was cut out for another planet, I think.  I just need someone to understand that.

I have decided that I am going to open up to my two lady friends and let them know completely who I am. I believe that they have the capacity to understand.  Most people don't, but I think they will.  I just want someone to know me.  Again, not sure why.  Maybe just to prove I was here.

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1 hour ago, salparadise6132 said:

I have always felt so alone.  I have been alone.  I don't fit into this world like others seem to.  I was cut out for another planet, I think.  I just need someone to understand that.

I can remember being a little kid and wishing desperately I could be anybody else, so I definitely understand that. And so does Brian Wilson. :flowers:

I keep looking for a place to fit
Where I can speak my mind
I've been trying hard to find the people
That I won't leave behind

They say I got brains
But they ain't doing me no good
I wish they could

Each time things start to happen again
I think I got something good goin' for myself
But what goes wrong

Sometimes I feel very sad
Sometimes I feel very sad
(Can't find nothin' I can put my heart and soul into)
Sometimes I feel very sad
(Can't find nothin' I can put my heart and soul into)

I guess I just wasn't made for these times

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My "friend" treats me like a complete piece of dirt, no matter what I do. I thought I was doing something weird without noticing. But turns out he just treats me like that because that's how he is with me. I've seen him more implicated with other people. I'm his lapdog when he needs something.

What's even worse is that I feel 15 times worse looking at the walls all the time. It wears me down to the point of rock bottom being stuck at home for 7 straight weekends and counting. I only want to hang with him because I don't have anyone better to hang with.

I tried looking for new friends. But I work meaninglessly like a slave in a job that makes me sick and because of my "lack of enthusiasm", people have made negative ideas about me. It affects me at home and my mother is still trying to force feed me into liking something I wasn't designed for. My mom is still dictating me what I should like.

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19 hours ago, Barrier Maiden said:

Because my family has so little income (just my mom's social security checks), I was able to get into a vocational rehabilitation program for free. My job coach is straight-up amazing--she helped me apply for dozens of jobs and prep for interviews. In interviews I stretch the truth a bit to explain the employment gap, which I don't feel great about--but if I was honest no one would even give me a chance. And all I want is a chance to prove I'm a good worker.

Wow, thank you! I'd never even heard of vocational rehab before, I'm gonna see if it's offered in my city. I hope it leads to bigger and better things for you!

---

In unrelated news, I have a wedding to go to tomorrow morning and I've broken out in hives on my face. Wonderful! :glare:

Edited by Kogent5
more stuff

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7 hours ago, Barrier Maiden said:

I can remember being a little kid and wishing desperately I could be anybody else, so I definitely understand that. And so does Brian Wilson. :flowers:

I keep looking for a place to fit
Where I can speak my mind
I've been trying hard to find the people
That I won't leave behind

They say I got brains
But they ain't doing me no good
I wish they could

Each time things start to happen again
I think I got something good goin' for myself
But what goes wrong

Sometimes I feel very sad
Sometimes I feel very sad
(Can't find nothin' I can put my heart and soul into)
Sometimes I feel very sad
(Can't find nothin' I can put my heart and soul into)

I guess I just wasn't made for these times

Exactly my sentiments! To the letter

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On 7/30/2016 at 7:57 AM, Searchingforasoul said:

I feel the same

But.. there IS something.

My moodswings dictate a lot as to how I think..

But listening to you guys on df..

Perhaps the point of our existance NOW. is this.. on df.. comparing notes. It could be a start.

 

 

I hope we all throw a party when we find it!! hahah

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Angry, but you know what? Everything happens for a reason. My break up is going to make me make a lot of changes in my life. First of all I hope my health gets better, and then I am going to live my life for me and do all the things I WANTED TO DO.......I am tired of being the nice person whose heart gets broken. I am scared to trust men and I don't know if I will ever want a relationship again.

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18 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

My biggest issue is that I have never had a connection, a companion, a place.  No one who "gets me."  I wonder why this is so important, but the desire/need will not go away.

I got triggered last weekend by two social events on successive days.  Went out with "friends" who have 180 degree different values than I do, then hosting parents, two people I am more that 180 degrees away from in every way.  Despite 23 years of marriage and 5 years with a lovely lady, I was never able to open up and be myself - which, I think, you have to do in order to be known, validated.

I have always felt so alone.  I have been alone.  I don't fit into this world like others seem to.  I was cut out for another planet, I think.  I just need someone to understand that.

I have decided that I am going to open up to my two lady friends and let them know completely who I am. I believe that they have the capacity to understand.  Most people don't, but I think they will.  I just want someone to know me.  Again, not sure why.  Maybe just to prove I was here.

Do you have a negative blood type?  We don't feel at home here, because we are not. 

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19 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

My biggest issue is that I have never had a connection, a companion, a place.  No one who "gets me."  I wonder why this is so important, but the desire/need will not go away.

I got triggered last weekend by two social events on successive days.  Went out with "friends" who have 180 degree different values than I do, then hosting parents, two people I am more that 180 degrees away from in every way.  Despite 23 years of marriage and 5 years with a lovely lady, I was never able to open up and be myself - which, I think, you have to do in order to be known, validated.

I have always felt so alone.  I have been alone.  I don't fit into this world like others seem to.  I was cut out for another planet, I think.  I just need someone to understand that.

I have decided that I am going to open up to my two lady friends and let them know completely who I am. I believe that they have the capacity to understand.  Most people don't, but I think they will.  I just want someone to know me.  Again, not sure why.  Maybe just to prove I was here.

I can understand where your coming from I have always felt the same way to I have learned to accept it for the time being, and embrace my differences. you are not only  Social events also trigger me because I have different values than others to and it always a fight for me to be accept by others. Im sure there is someone out there that will get you, weather its your lady friends or someone else, the only person i felt that got me was one of my therpists she was like the caring mother I never had.

 

13 minutes ago, Wisteria said:

It doesn't matter what I feel... but I do feel the same darkness every day, it's eating me alive and there won't be nothing left; Only an empty shell.

I understand how difficult it is when you feel the hopelessness and glum following you around like a rain cloud it will pass one day and you will feel  hope again. My mood crashed for no reason and im just not listening to my thoughts and riding out the storm to.

Edited by scienceguy

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