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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread (3)


Lindsay

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20 hours ago, My empire of dirt said:

This damn life isn't worth it, when theres no life to live, why the hell should I be alone when others have love and joy in their lives that they didn't deserve. Some of the most awful assclowds you will ever run into have that happiness and I and others like have nothing, how the hell is that fair??????????

Some of the most awful, and on top of that manipulative, destructive, scumbag assclowns gain fame, recognition, popularity, money, a luxurious lifestyle, a stimulating job, a hot girlfriend, everything basically.

They do what they have to do to make their company successful, so they could take their family on vacation every year. They take advantage of people's weaknesses and vulnerable situations if it's to their financial advantage. If they need something, they get it. Some are good at putting on a show bringing people down because they know what to point out in other people. What does it get them? Everthing the one at the bottom doesn't get.

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On the internet, a few users put up a couple web pages called "Hot Mugshots", which are basically a series of pics of real leaked mugshots, usually of jakked up dudes with a ticked off look on their face, so women can comment about which one they like most.

In the meantime in other horizons of the internet, I find a lot of hate-infested comments about fat shaming and other things. People tear to shreads individuals based on their weight, based on their skin color, or any petty thing imaginable, all based on appearence and personal lifestyle choices.

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So it seems like the world just lives in this superficial bubble because that's what they do. I don't think they're taking it out on others to hide their insecurities. I think they do it that's how they somehow developped into, during a certain stage of their life and now that's just who they are.

We don't need to be gutless to make money or to be loved. Everybody has the right to their own dignity. Everybody will naturally fight it, if their dignity is threatened whether someone tells us we're allowed to or not. You can't fight human nature. We are all naturally programmed to go after what we need, when our needs are being neglected. The only things that may vary are the choices we have in front of us. Good choices are better.

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I agree the thread should be back in "Depression Central". Oh well, something else I can not control.

Feel frustrated and tired. I am sick of living in the city. All the noise, the crazy neighbors, the sirens and all the activity all night. But I am kind of stuck for now.

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FEEL FANTASTIC FOR SOME REASON. It's crazy how much simply exercising changes my mood now. The endorphins have finally arrived. I was feeling completely drained with no urge to get my exercise in for the day at all. Winded up lifting weights and doing all the exercises I could think of with my body for an hour crushing my expectations, then despite being unable to move my arms I instantly went on a 45 minute walk. Felt completely fresh all the way through and actually did a full speed run for the first time in half a decade. Now that I'm back in I instantly want to go right back out.  It's crazy how quickly I've warmed up to going outside. The only time I feel comfortable going out is from 2-4AM when it's pitch black with 0 people but that's what makes it so nice. I'm still depressed and will be for my entire life and will never see a point to anything at all and realize all of this is just because of the endorphins/mood swings, but I don't mind. All I care about is exercise now suddenly. It's quickly becoming a hobby. Gonna go calm down and distract myself with some music now before my mood inevitably takes a dive for the worse. 

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15 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

I am so anxious, all of a sudden.  After a couple of good days.  I just don't know why.  I think is because I have gone dark on the dating sites because I realize that I am in no position to have a girlfriend financially.  I am projecting loneliness forward until the end of my life.  I know it's probably not going to happen that way, but it feels like it will.  Plus, I had a social interaction fail today at work LOL I started to tell a joke in front of someone I never talk to and forgot what I was going to say.  The people in the circle looked at me like I was from outer space.  It's a minor thing, but sometimes I have trouble shaking stuff like that off.

On the plus side, my writing is going well and I finished a report I have been working on at work.

I am going to do a little meditation and a workout before I go get my kids.

Cheers, all

 

Brian

((((Brian)))) I am sorry you were feeling so anxious yesterday. :/ I hope it is a bit better for you today.

Like you've said before, maybe try not to project so much into the future. Maybe taking a break from dating right now is a good idea after the last disappointment, focusing on your writing, and on you so you can feel better. Remember that that was just one person... there are plenty more who are different than that. Relationships can also have different forms, so it's possible to not feel lonely.

I'm sorry your joke didn't quite work out. I hate that. :/ It will be forgotten about quickly though, that's the good news. And most people have experienced that at one point or another.

Glad you're writing's going well! That's a real positive! And I haven't seen you complain much about work, so it must be a bit better these days? Hugs!

Edited by RiverLight
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Woke up Saturday morning in usual unbearable morning panic attack.  Feelings of impending doom, uselessness, worthlessness, grief, and regrets overwhelm me.  Unloved, unwanted, untalented, ignorant.  Can't make them go away with meds or advice; they are deeply part of me. 

Facing the weekend is overwhelming.  Will try to accomplish some tasks to make it through the day.   

Can't believe my life has fallen so far, but I don't blame anyone else.  I could have made different choices.

Being me has become pure hell.  There is no way this can continue for long.  I don't think I'll be here next year. But you never know. 

I apologize for the explosion of negativity. I wish to God things were different.  

Edited by One More Red Nightmare
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54 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

((((Brian)))) I am sorry you were feeling so anxious yesterday. :/ I hope it is a bit better for you today.

Like you've said before, maybe try not to project so much into the future. Maybe taking a break from dating right now is a good idea after the last disappointment, focusing on your writing, and on you so you can feel better. Remember that that was just one person... there are plenty more who are different than that. Relationships can also have different forms, so it's possible to not feel lonely.

I'm sorry your joke didn't quite work out. I hate that. :/ It will be forgotten about quickly though, that's the good news. And most people have experienced that at one point or another.

Glad you're writing's going well! That's a real positive! And I haven't seen you complain much about work, so it must be a bit better these days? Hugs!

Thanks River, so much for your response.  I know what you say is all true.  It's just that for a short time I feel like that: positive, knowing that I have irons in the fire and am getting more confident and that I have other relationships - and then my outlook goes to the other pole (like this morning, for example) - and all I see is failure, loneliness, and hopelessness.  I am trying to just accept when I am feeling down and TRUST that I am making progress on myself.  I ain't easy.  I am just tired of the waffling back and forth.

Hugs! 

 

30 minutes ago, One More Red Nightmare said:

Woke up Saturday morning in usual unbearable morning panic attack.  Feelings of impending doom, uselessness, worthlessness, grief, and regrets overwhelm me.  Unloved, unwanted, untalented, ignorant.  Can't make them go away with meds or advice; they are deeply part of me. 

Facing the weekend is overwhelming.  Will try to accomplish some tasks to make it through the day.   

Can't believe my life has fallen so far, but I don't blame anyone else.  I could have made different choices.

Being me has become pure hell.  There is no way this can continue for long.  I don't think I'll be here next year. But you never know. 

I apologize for the explosion of negativity. I wish to God things were different.  

I could have written much of this myself this morning, OMRN.  I was feeling pretty hopeful last night, then some weird dreams had me waking up feeling discarded and alone. I hate these oscillations.  Best to you, my friend.

 

 

 

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I feel alone and sad.  I am giving up on life again.  I see no point in living.  I am prolonging the inevitable.   As each second goes by I am getting closer to my end whether I think +ve or not.

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51 minutes ago, salparadise6132 said:

Thanks River, so much for your response.  I know what you say is all true.  It's just that for a short time I feel like that: positive, knowing that I have irons in the fire and am getting more confident and that I have other relationships - and then my outlook goes to the other pole (like this morning, for example) - and all I see is failure, loneliness, and hopelessness.  I am trying to just accept when I am feeling down and TRUST that I am making progress on myself.  I ain't easy.  I am just tired of the waffling back and forth.

Hugs! 

Yes...... i think you just nailed it. Trusting the progress that is real and concrete in those moments when you swing back to feelings of hopelessness and defeat. Holding onto the positives and remembering them, reminding yourself of all the incredible work you've done on yourself.... you've come so far!

It is truly the hero's journey through depression. You are a diamond in the rough. Know this and believe it to be true. No one & nothing can ever take that away from you ever. We can be stripped of our homes, our finances, our jobs, our marriages, and our lives completely. But nothing can change the beautiful qualities we have inside.

That was a tangent, but I know what you mean about being tired of the swinging back and forth. it's hard & part of the depression. I truly believe it is a hero's journey through the black muckiness to the other side. I hope you find some peace in your day. ((((hugs))))

1 hour ago, One More Red Nightmare said:

Woke up Saturday morning in usual unbearable morning panic attack.  Feelings of impending doom, uselessness, worthlessness, grief, and regrets overwhelm me.  Unloved, unwanted, untalented, ignorant.  Can't make them go away with meds or advice; they are deeply part of me. 

Facing the weekend is overwhelming.  Will try to accomplish some tasks to make it through the day.   

Can't believe my life has fallen so far, but I don't blame anyone else.  I could have made different choices.

Being me has become pure hell.  There is no way this can continue for long.  I don't think I'll be here next year. But you never know. 

I apologize for the explosion of negativity. I wish to God things were different.  

(((((((((((OMRN))))))))))) So very sorry you're feeling this way. =( Don't be sorry or apologize for expressing your feelings. That's what we're here for... you've got the right idea --- try to accomplish just a few small things if you're overwhelmed.

Can you treat yourself to something nice this weekend? Try to give yourself some compassion, and a big hug. You deserve it. I know it's hard not to beat yourself up. Regret can swallow you whole if you allow it. I've made tons of mistakes in my life that have made my life more challenging even now, but if I focus on them, I am only going to feel worse about myself so I don't. I try to focus on any positives I can find... anything. Even if it's just "I'm a nice person". That counts for a whole heck of a lot in this world. You are very valuable and lovable.

Try to give yourself some self-love if you can.... you deserve to treat yourself better.

Big hugs being sent your way!!!

Edited by RiverLight
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16 minutes ago, duck said:

I feel alone and sad.  I am giving up on life again.  I see no point in living.  I am prolonging the inevitable.   As each second goes by I am getting closer to my end whether I think +ve or not.

duck, please hold on... you are doing so well. I know in these severe down moments it doesn't seem that way, but you are. You are trying, and you continue to fight through it. You are striving and achieving great things each and every day. 

Like I just wrote above to Brian, it's the hero's journey through depression. Some days you just want to give up and throw in the towel. I feel the exact  same way sometimes. But then we find somehow the will to keep going... and we find the will to keep trying. You have it in you. It's there and it's strong.

Maybe allow yourself this time to regroup and gather your strength again. Maybe do something nice for yourself. (((((((((Hugs)))))))))

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Feeling in limbo which is where I mostly am, not depressed but not not depressed either.  I am thinking of going to Mayo for depression.  They have helped me with a number of other conditions.  Has anyone had any experience with Mayo for depression?  Would you recommend a female or male therapist?

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25 minutes ago, 1i11ian said:

Feeling in limbo which is where I mostly am, not depressed but not not depressed either.  I am thinking of going to Mayo for depression.  They have helped me with a number of other conditions.  Has anyone had any experience with Mayo for depression?  Would you recommend a female or male therapist?

Limbo is not where i'm at  i'm in hell each day bleeds into another unbareable day with no signs of it getting better. The sex of your therapist shouldn't matter, but whatever makes you more comfortable you should do.

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I had a childhood acquaintance with absolutely everything to live for, a wonderful husband and two beautiful young children.  Her suicide note read, "I am tired of fighting it."  I could certainly relate to that.  You do get very weary fighting it.  I am a recovering alcoholic and have suffered with depression for most of my life.  I believe it to be chemical and genetic.  Everyone in my family has a problem with alcohol and depression.  In my 12 step recovery program we say we have to go to any length in recovery.  I believe this to be true in depression, too.  That is why and am always looking for new solutions.  But I do get weary.

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17 minutes ago, 1i11ian said:

I had a childhood acquaintance with absolutely everything to live for, a wonderful husband and two beautiful young children.  Her suicide note read, "I am tired of fighting it."  I could certainly relate to that.  You do get very weary fighting it.  I am a recovering alcoholic and have suffered with depression for most of my life.  I believe it to be chemical and genetic.  Everyone in my family has a problem with alcohol and depression.  In my 12 step recovery program we say we have to go to any length in recovery.  I believe this to be true in depression, too.  That is why and am always looking for new solutions.  But I do get weary.

My biggest weakness is lack of courage to do what needs to be done i'm wasting air that others could breathe.

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Suddenly I am not feeling well. I am truly sick to my stomach. I am making myself sick. I am readying about narcissistic bosses and narcissistic abuse, and this is what I am dealing with. Everything I'm reading matches my boss's behaviors and treatment towards me to a T.

I experienced narcissistic rage from her on the phone this week, cutting me down to size every which way possible, trying to make me feel like absolute sh*t when I work hard and didn't deserve it one bit. Her behavior was outrageous. Her accusations, finger pointing, blame, truly unjust. Like an infant having a tantrum. I loathe her, i despise her... I want to see her obliterated from this earth and thrown into orbit. My own anger is growing. How dare she treat me that way.  No one deserves to be treated that way ever.

I approached a co-worker today to talk in confidence about it. I pray this doesn't backfire on me. Wish I could quit today. I want to send my boss a message today saying **** YOU and the horse you rode in on, you venomous, poisonous, malignant vile human being with no soul. Her soul is pure blackness. Or she has none.

I am shocked, incredulous, and outraged. My emotions are taking over.... I need a punching bag please!

I think I'm going to throw up.

Edited by RiverLight
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22 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

Suddenly I am not feeling well. I am truly sick to my stomach. I am making myself sick. I am readying about narcissistic bosses and narcissistic abuse, and this is what I am dealing with. Everything I'm reading matches my boss's behaviors and treatment towards me to a T.

I experienced narcissistic rage from her on the phone this week, cutting me down to size every which way possible, trying to make me feel like absolute sh*t when I work hard and didn't deserve it one bit. Her behavior was outrageous. Her accusations, finger pointing, blame, truly unjust. Like an infant having a tantrum. I loathe her, i despise her... I want to see her obliterated from this earth and thrown into orbit. My own anger is growing. How dare she treat me that way.  No one deserves to be treated that way ever.

I approached a co-worker today to talk in confidence about it. I pray this doesn't backfire on me. Wish I could quit today. I want to send my boss a message today saying **** YOU and the horse you rode in on, you venomous, poisonous, malignant vile human being with no soul. Her soul is pure blackness. Or she has none.

I am shocked, incredulous, and outraged. My emotions are taking over.... I need a punching bag please!

I think I'm going to throw up.

I know how you feel I feel that toward my so-called extended family always putting me down. But nothing stings like being hurt by strangers you may work with or doctors , nurses you get your care from. God give the strength to end it.

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11 minutes ago, My empire of dirt said:

I know how you feel I feel that toward my so-called extended family always putting me down. But nothing stings like being hurt by strangers you may work with or doctors , nurses you get your care from. God give the strength to end it.

It's not right... it's not OK. You don't deserve to be put down. No one does. So sorry you're dealing with that, from your own family even. It's them, not you, it's their problem... it does sting, but screw them. Anyone who needs to put others down to feel better about themselves is a malignant piece of crap who probably feels inferior or like crap themselves so they spread their poisonous negativity onto others. F them. You deserve better. (((hugs)))

I am going to go take a walk and buy myself a nice therapeutic candle.

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7 hours ago, RiverLight said:

(((((((((((OMRN))))))))))) So very sorry you're feeling this way. =( Don't be sorry or apologize for expressing your feelings. That's what we're here for... you've got the right idea --- try to accomplish just a few small things if you're overwhelmed.

Can you treat yourself to something nice this weekend? Try to give yourself some compassion, and a big hug. You deserve it. I know it's hard not to beat yourself up. Regret can swallow you whole if you allow it. I've made tons of mistakes in my life that have made my life more challenging even now, but if I focus on them, I am only going to feel worse about myself so I don't. I try to focus on any positives I can find... anything. Even if it's just "I'm a nice person". That counts for a whole heck of a lot in this world. You are very valuable and lovable.

Try to give yourself some self-love if you can.... you deserve to treat yourself better.

Big hugs being sent your way!!!

Thank you, River.  I have great difficulty letting go of the past and of my mistakes and losses.  I know we have to, but I really struggle with it.

You are right that we have to try to accomplish small things, any things.  We have to keep some positive momentum in our lives, even if it seems tiny against our depression-inflated problems.

I do need to rediscover self-love.  In 2012 my ego broke when I suffered incredible humiliation professionally and personally.  I lost my self-confidence then and never recovered it.

I'm glad there are kind people like you on this forum.  I have nowhere else I can discuss my feelings.  In real life, no one wants to hear it or be around a depressed person.  So I avoid people.

It's not like I want to be this way, but everyone seems to think I should just "snap out of it", "move on", "man up", etc.  If only it were so easy!  I don't want pity, just some human empathy.  But since depression is invisible, those who don't have it don't understand it's a real condition.

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7 hours ago, RiverLight said:

(((((((((((OMRN))))))))))) So very sorry you're feeling this way. =( Don't be sorry or apologize for expressing your feelings. That's what we're here for... you've got the right idea --- try to accomplish just a few small things if you're overwhelmed.

Can you treat yourself to something nice this weekend? Try to give yourself some compassion, and a big hug. You deserve it. I know it's hard not to beat yourself up. Regret can swallow you whole if you allow it. I've made tons of mistakes in my life that have made my life more challenging even now, but if I focus on them, I am only going to feel worse about myself so I don't. I try to focus on any positives I can find... anything. Even if it's just "I'm a nice person". That counts for a whole heck of a lot in this world. You are very valuable and lovable.

Try to give yourself some self-love if you can.... you deserve to treat yourself better.

Big hugs being sent your way!!!

Thank you, River.  I have great difficulty letting go of the past and of my mistakes and losses.  I know we have to, but I really struggle with it.

You are right that we have to try to accomplish small things, any things.  We have to keep some positive momentum in our lives, even if it seems tiny against our depression-inflated problems.

I do need to rediscover self-love.  In 2012 my ego broke when I suffered incredible humiliation professionally and personally.  I lost my self-confidence then and never recovered it.

I'm glad there are kind people like you on this forum.  I have nowhere else I can discuss my feelings.  In real life, no one wants to hear it or be around a depressed person.  So I avoid people.

It's not like I want to be this way, but everyone seems to think I should just "snap out of it", "move on", "man up", etc.  If only it were so easy!  I don't want pity, just some human empathy.  But since depression is invisible, those who don't have it don't understand it's a real condition.

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