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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread (3)

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I can't wash this blood off my hands
I can't get the scum outta my soul
I can't scrape this stain off my brain
And I can't get this box off my head

What I'm feeling right now. Not my words,BTW.

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Hugs everyone.

Well, these days seem to be coming every other week now instead of every week, but they worry me.  Maybe it's because I was feeling own yesterday.  Slept 14 hours, could not get up.  Called in sick.

I think I need to just accept them and keep on plugging away - consider them tiny setbacks in my improvement.  Frustrating though.  Very scary.

Brian

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32 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

Dammit. My dad left for surgery without saying goodbye. What if that's the last time I'm going to see him? I know.... my imagination is running wild, and my anxiety. He will be OK. I hope!!!

Not sure if you are a "business as usual" kind of person or a "take time out" kind of person for coping with the waiting time.  Maybe a little of both.......    Just keep sending those good thoughts out to him.   ((            )).

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10 hours ago, LaurynJcat said:

Went to my depression support group tonight.  Unfortunately I don't think there's necessarily any friend material in the group, although some good people.  We'll see.  I also worked today for 4 hours (still doing my graduated return to work).  Am still apprehensive about whether I can handle full shifts but I guess I'll see in a few weeks.

I've never been to a depression support group. (There never seems to be any in my area) but I hope that it was helpful for you. Keep plugging away at your work.  I hope that it doesn't get too stressful.  You're doing well keeping "all those plates up in the air." ((   )).

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19 minutes ago, melplus said:

Not sure if you are a "business as usual" kind of person or a "take time out" kind of person for coping with the waiting time.  Maybe a little of both.......    Just keep sending those good thoughts out to him.   ((            )).

Thanks so much..... well, since i have this interview tomorrow I have no choice but to proceed and prepare for the interview today. This is probably a good distraction for me right now. But I hate the waiting game and will be on edge until I hear news that he is fine. :/

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Just saw a pic of my dad "under" anaethesia. I am crying. I had no idea this would effect me this much. My father is no longer young... he's had two strokes already and now an irregular heartbeat. Please send prayers for my dad! Thank you so much.....

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1 minute ago, RiverLight said:

Just saw a pic of my dad "under" anaethesia. I am crying. I had no idea this would effect me this much. My father is no longer young... he's had two strokes already and now an irregular heartbeat. Please send prayers for my dad! Thank you so much.....

FWIW I meditated good thoughts and healing for him this morning, Riv.  I know you will keep us apprised of his status.  Hugs and best to you and the family!!!

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4 minutes ago, salparadise6132 said:

FWIW I meditated good thoughts and healing for him this morning, Riv.  I know you will keep us apprised of his status.  Hugs and best to you and the family!!!

Thank  you so very much, Brian!!!! Hugely appreciated! HUGS! :hugs:Yes I will post an update once i hear of his status.

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32 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

Just saw a pic of my dad "under" anaethesia. I am crying. I had no idea this would effect me this much. My father is no longer young... he's had two strokes already and now an irregular heartbeat. Please send prayers for my dad! Thank you so much.....

So he is out of surgery? Now you can "give him a piece of your mind for not saying goodbye this morning. LOL Although, I know that once you see him, you will spoil him, as he recovers. :)

Edited by melplus

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18 minutes ago, melplus said:

So he is out of surgery? Now you can "give him a piece of your mind for not saying goodbye this morning. LOL Although, I know that once you see him, you will spoil him, as he recovers. :)

Not yet, He just went under. The surgery could be five hours....... yes, I will give him lots of big hugs when I see him!!! He should have said goodbye, but i texted him instead which he saw before he went under, thankfully.

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I am crawling out of my skin right now. Between the surgery and this interview I am freaking out. I cannot focus too well on my interview, though I am pretty much prepared. I just need the next two days to be over!

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I'm doing fine for once. Last night, I had a "revelation" of sorts. I suddenly realized that I have it damned good. I live a very spare life, but I am able to find beauty in the simplest things--like a cat purring.

I also have an amazing girlfriend. She's had a rotten life and she's suffering from a disease now, but she manages to be upbeat anyway. She's a true inspiration.

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A lot of people have treated me like a complete piece of dirt and I definitely felt like I didn't deserve that. If they ever read this, they'd probably know who they are.

People like this don't help with my negative perception of others in general. I do feel a bit a sorry in the sense that I know it's not everyone. But I also honestly believe not everything is my fault either.

It's not been easy for me to have a more positive outlook on others. I thought having a good appearence and doing things within the norms would help me get respect. But what do I know?

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So my worst fears have come true with my insurance company.  I am on long term disability and my insurance wants to speak to me but I am in a six week program at the local hospital so how can I answer my phone?  I told my doctor this would happen and it did.  My pdoc refused to write a letter to my insurance company informing them about my attendance at this psychiatric program. Now what to do?   I cannot call my insurance after hours because they work from 7am to 3pm and they never answer their phones. I have to leave a message and they return my call several days later.  

UPDATE:  I called my insurance and left a message to call me early morning because that's the only time I am available.  My insurance wants me to sit by the phone all day and wait for them to call me. It's a headache dealing with insurance companies. I guess I will soon find out if they will stop my disability payments.

I started this Partial Psychiatric Hospitalization Program (PPHP)  yesterday.  It is six weeks long and my pdoc thinks it will solve all my problems in six weeks.  That's not true. The program gives me tools to work with but it does not give me individual therapy.  I told my pdoc and my therapist i need things like mindfullness, meditation, and yoga not some group therapy.   They are not listening to me.  I am already going to groups on my own and I learn as much as I can.  I do Art Therapy, EFT, Depression/Anxiety, two Men's Group therefore I do not need more groups.

Some of the people in the group have had a really abusive past. Listening to them is making me more depressed. I was afraid this would happen and it is happening now.  I had also told my pdoc this could happen in groups and it would bring me down and he said' "no that will not happen."

I guess I have no choice but to do what my pdoc and therapist says or maybe I do have a choice.  I have to find a new pdoc and therapist then I would be okay again.

My tail bone hurts from sitting all day.  It is not good.

My niece says I need a supportive girlfriend and that will solve most of my problems. I think my niece hit the nail on the head.

I have been ruminating all the time about  my crush "Nancy."  I cannot get over her. I also ruminating about  the abuse I suffered while I was working.  I cannot get over it.   I am still struggling with it.  I wish there was a cure for rumination.  

My close friend Joe basically called me a liar about my abuse at work.  He said none of it happened and I am making things up.  I have known Joe for twenty-five years and now he is calling me a liar.  What gets me I was on my phone with him when some of the abuse occurred and he overheard it.  Joe owes me ten thousand dollars and when I asked him to pay me he says, "I don't know what you are talking about.  I don't have to listen to this."  Talk about friendship.  

Joe says depression is not a disease.  If I change my thinking my depression will go away. Joe keeps upsetting me with this everyday now.  He keeps greeting me with, "Depression is not a disease."   I told my other friend John and John said to ignore Joe.  

 

LaurynJcat, how is work? I hope things are going better for you. I think you said you started last week so it's a week already? How is your depression group? Have you been able to make friends at the group?

(((((HUGS))))))

 

 

 

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12 hours ago, RiverLight said:

Just saw a pic of my dad "under" anaethesia. I am crying. I had no idea this would effect me this much. My father is no longer young... he's had two strokes already and now an irregular heartbeat. Please send prayers for my dad! Thank you so much.....

Riverlight, my thoughts go out to you. you described my dad. I think i should share information with you because i think that's how we can help each other... I'm not sure about medication these days, but when my dad was alive he would take comodin which is a blood thinner and he had lots of nosebleeds. he had an arythmia and suffered STIs (aka mini strokes).  its very important (which i'm sure your dad is doing) to monitor that and too keep appointments.my dad got a blood clot that traveled from his nose to his brain. he had a stroke... he hemorrhaged. the comodin thinned his blood so much that the blood clot traveled to his brain... but if we took him off the comodin he'd have a heart attack. .. it was a catch 22 for us. we had to let him go and it was so painful... so if your dad gets nose bleeds just monitor that closely.

i'm not sure how much you can monitor.. but my dad had Kaiser and i've heard horror stories and lawsuits about doctors who just do the minimum.... like any other profession there are the good and there are the bad.. so if you have to be mean and pushy to protect your dad don't hesitate. we didn't push. we got rejected to make an appointment when his nosebleeds got out of control, they said no big deal come in later and we just said oh ok and trusted the doctor's word. and look what happened. knowledge is power .

anyway. not to make it about me but  i wanted to post this so that you can avoid anything similar to this. research those medications and ask questions and be pushy even if you end up offending people. sometimes those people are lazy and dont care and you have to force them to do their job. (not saying everyone is like that but there's no room for laziness at a hospital)

:console:

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