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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread (3)

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On 5/22/2016 at 4:17 PM, LaurynJcat said:

Panicking.  I have just over a week to go before I'm back to work.  Am I ready?  No.  Will I ever be ready?  No.  I just have to hope I can handle it. 

This also means I have just over a week to finish editing my novel.  Argh!  Please send me your best wishes!!!!!!!!

Hugs to all.  :hugs:

((((Lauryn)))) You'll get it done :-) And you'll do fine re:work!

 

:hugs:

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Oh my God.... my second interview is now being rescheduled and bumped back AGAIN for the week of June 13th.

The good news is, the hiring mgr wants me to meet all of the appropriate team members and that's when they're all available, and she's let go of two other candidates. So this shows she's very interested in me, on the plus side. I guess another plus is it gives me more time to bone up on digital marketing strategy best practices.

On the downside, I now have to have even more patience (UGH), and more time out of work without income. UGH.

Edited by RiverLight

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I am now getting out of bed. It's 12:25 pm.  I just want to lie down all day but I have to go to Costco. 

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I feel....untethered from life..

..dissociated from myself and everyone else...

....like I've descended into a surreal, waking nightmare without end....cursed with a brain that not only stripped me of everything good in my life, but continues to harass, taunt, abuse and torture me...forcing me to replay a perverse mind-movie of alternating scenes of unimaginable torment: blissfully happy memories that are shattered one by one in an uncontrollable cycle of depression-fueled self-sabotage...

It is finally, utterly, finished....

I have been replaced...

The beautiful life we could have shared is now a chapter in someone else's book...and now I sit in helpless agony and watch them weave a new tapestry together that thread for thread corresponds to the shroud I feel slipping across my pallid, bemused, still-uncomprehending face...

Their recent trips together chime dirge-like in perfect time with my lament:

Bar Harbor, ME, where he proposed and drove the final nail into the coffin I had so carefully  and unwittingly crafted from the blueprint my depression and my anger had fashioned for me....

The Outer Banks....Massanutten Resort...Walt Disney World (he, not I, will be the first to see the Magic Kingdom with my son)...each trip, a new thread in the tapestry of their new life...

.while mine unravels and collapses into dust and oblivion..

 

How did it come to this... :tear2::tear2::tear2:

 

 

 

 

...

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3 hours ago, One More Red Nightmare said:

Counting down the days until June 10, when my friend leaves.  Maybe after that I can start rebuilding my life free of her presence, or maybe I will collapse completely.  I don't know.

OMRN -- Maybe, instead of your birthday being the first day of a New Year, try thinking of June 10 as the beginning of the best year of your life thus far?  Just a thought. 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain.  It took me years to get over someone I loved who could not (or would not) be with me.  But, my experience aside, the tides of grief ebb over time, and it takes as long as it takes.   

In the meantime, I hope you'll live your life in a way that is healing for you. 

Thinking of you --

WOTL

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1 hour ago, womanofthelight said:

OMRN -- Maybe, instead of your birthday being the first day of a New Year, try thinking of June 10 as the beginning of the best year of your life thus far?  Just a thought. 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain.  It took me years to get over someone I loved who could not (or would not) be with me.  But, my experience aside, the tides of grief ebb over time, and it takes as long as it takes.   

In the meantime, I hope you'll live your life in a way that is healing for you. 

Thinking of you --

WOTL

That's a good idea. :)  New life begins on June 10.  Time to put aside doubt and fear and create something worthy.  Let love in again.  (Oh, love is the greatest and most destructive force there is..)

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1 hour ago, LonelyHiker said:

I feel....untethered from life..

..dissociated from myself and everyone else...

....like I've descended into a surreal, waking nightmare without end....cursed with a brain that not only stripped me of everything good in my life, but continues to harass, taunt, abuse and torture me...forcing me to replay a perverse mind-movie of alternating scenes of unimaginable torment: blissfully happy memories that are shattered one by one in an uncontrollable cycle of depression-fueled self-sabotage...

It is finally, utterly, finished....

I have been replaced...

The beautiful life we could have shared is now a chapter in someone else's book...and now I sit in helpless agony and watch them weave a new tapestry together that thread for thread corresponds to the shroud I feel slipping across my pallid, bemused, still-uncomprehending face...

Their recent trips together chime dirge-like in perfect time with my lament:

Bar Harbor, ME, where he proposed and drove the final nail into the coffin I had so carefully  and unwittingly crafted from the blueprint my depression and my anger had fashioned for me....

The Outer Banks....Massanutten Resort...Walt Disney World (he, not I, will be the first to see the Magic Kingdom with my son)...each trip, a new thread in the tapestry of their new life...

.while mine unravels and collapses into dust and oblivion..

 

How did it come to this... :tear2::tear2::tear2:

 

 

 

 

...

You have been torn to pieces and are in the center of pain, perhaps by what you feared the most.  Rest in the darkness of this cave for a while, knowing that life is ethereal and time is fleeting.  When you wake, look for some light somewhere, for what you may have discovered about yourself in your reclusive agony may be essential pieces of the puzzle of that is your life. 

It looks very dark and vague now, but from what little I know of you, I'm CERTAIN clarity will come.  You are worthy, strong and connected to everyone and everything in this world, especially to all of us here who care about you.  Move out of yourself when you're ready, and keep the connection to your son--the most important thing in your life (I think)-- alive.  In doing so, you'll surely feel more connection to life yourself.

I'm thinking of you, LonelyHiker, and sending my brightest and best hopes to you, for you and your life.

WOTL

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32 minutes ago, LaurynJcat said:

I'm not sure what to advise you, but good luck with it.  (((((((hugs)))))))

 

28 minutes ago, LaurynJcat said:

Hang in there!  It seems positive.  (((((((hugs)))))))

Thanks Lauryn! ((((((hugs)))))))!

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Right now I seem incapable of happiness it's either anxiety and depression or neutral nothingness. This lack of emotion turns my achievements into vague events randomly, perhaps even sadistically attached to my life.

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Pretty productive today. I did laundry, cut my hair again (was kind of a botch job the last time, not that anyone else seemed to notice), and emailed another dept about another job. But they have nothing for just summer - they're only hiring students who've been there all year. :( Need to apply to more, of course...

Kind of have the day "off," as I've nothing planned but Mass this evening, after which I might have to stop at the store again. If so, I'll only get two absolute necessities this time. Hate spending money right now! Argh, can't wait til this summer ends!

Feel OK, but kind of blah. Broken sleep, too much sugar again. 3 appts tomorrow.

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3 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

You have been torn to pieces and are in the center of pain, perhaps by what you feared the most.  Rest in the darkness of this cave for a while, knowing that life is ethereal and time is fleeting.  When you wake, look for some light somewhere, for what you may have discovered about yourself in your reclusive agony may be essential pieces of the puzzle of that is your life. 

It looks very dark and vague now, but from what little I know of you, I'm CERTAIN clarity will come.  You are worthy, strong and connected to everyone and everything in this world, especially to all of us here who care about you.  Move out of yourself when you're ready, and keep the connection to your son--the most important thing in your life (I think)-- alive.  In doing so, you'll surely feel more connection to life yourself.

I'm thinking of you, LonelyHiker, and sending my brightest and best hopes to you, for you and your life.

WOTL

Thank you, womanofthelight, for your kind words. Yes, life is sh!t right now....but I'll keep carrying on regardless.

 

Peace, Tim

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3 hours ago, LaurynJcat said:

Sorry to hear about the nightmares.  I hope things improve for you, and the six week program is helpful.   I understand how you feel about how you are being punished and your abusers are enjoying life.  People who bullied me or stood by and did nothing are having great lives while I struggle.

Thanks LaurynJcat

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3 hours ago, Twilight Sky said:

I rarely post on my android because it's annoying -.-

I am away from my computer.  I am in a different city.   

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I am lost. I don't know what to do with my life.  I am scared about my future.  I cannot see anything changing.  I need a long break from life.  

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I feel like... an oven that's just been set to self-cleaning mode. Just locked the door, and my internal temperature is about to reach the surface of the sun!!! Woohoo. Burn baby burn.

 

P.s. love & light all of you

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2 hours ago, duck said:

I am lost. I don't know what to do with my life.  I am scared about my future.  I cannot see anything changing.  I need a long break from life.  

Me too, duck... me too 

 

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