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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread (3)

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10 hours ago, One More Red Nightmare said:

50th birthday today.  Yay!  I'm halfway done! :)  Haha

Still feel like an immature teenager.

Happy Birthday

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5 hours ago, LaurynJcat said:

Panicking.  I have just over a week to go before I'm back to work.  Am I ready?  No.  Will I ever be ready?  No.  I just have to hope I can handle it. 

This also means I have just over a week to finish editing my novel.  Argh!  Please send me your best wishes!!!!!!!!

Hugs to all.  :hugs:

You can handle it LaurynJcat.  Best wishes and (((HUGS)))

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2 hours ago, Skylark1 said:

Oh, sh!t.

I've been doing better, though I had to slog home through the rain with groceries after Mass. But apparently the $12 I spent on a few indispensable necessities was enough to require my overdraft to kick in. Thankfully they charge interest instead of a fee, but still - this means I won't have enough to cover my phone bill, which means I won't have phone coverage by Friday.

****!!! I thought I still had a good $50-60 in that account! This kind of brings home to me how badly I've been doing, not just externally, but how out of it I've been. Floating along without looking down at the depths falling away beneath this tightrope. I think it's a psychological protective mechanism - to keep me going forward without getting overwhelmed by my situation. Acchh.

This means I'll have to cut into the savings I had which was supposed to pay for my move...most places require a deposit + rent, and I don't know yet how much either will be. The place I'm looking at Tues. doesn't require a deposit, though...hope, hope.

Prayers and hugs for everyone struggling now! I could use some myself, too.

 

(((HUGS)))

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sad. lonely. I walked at the park that I used to with my ex before he dumped me . I wanted to create a new association with the park... came home. I feel lonely and sad . I thought I would feel better but I don't. 

image.jpeg

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Just got back from NYC, dropped my daughter off at her college, she and a group of students are going to Cape Town South Africa on a mission trip.  Excited for her, nervous about the way the world is.  It doesn't help that a plane went down last week.

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On 5/21/2016 at 3:49 PM, LaurynJcat said:

(((((((scienceguy)))))))  Try not to beat yourself up for stuff before it even happens!  I think you will meet people and make friends.  Do some volunteering and take a continuing-ed type class in art or photography or a hobby you enjoy, then form a group to continue doing that after the class ends.    I'll bet that will work.

Yeah im sure it would but im the one that prevents myself from having friends because im ashamed of being broke, picky with who I want to be friends with and get easily annoyed by others and feel weak if I act friendly or like I just can,t do it. so I pretty much elf sabtoge with everyone watching myself and being aware as I do. Its like some kind of self tourture then I start complaining to everyone get the same advice and the whole cycle repeats.

I have trouble forming a group I can talk to people while I do something at work at class at anything invite to. I just can,t bring myself to the point where I act like a friend or display to much friendliness im thinking of going to one of therapists that my old therapist listed for me. I am starting to feel stupid going to therapy because it is gradually causing me to become self loathing and my self esteem has withered way since i started therapy even though im less depressed, because im so aware of how I destroy my life and my happiness by how I act. I really want to forget about and not face it because it gets me so upset.

Its like my whole life and all my issues could be solved if I stop playing this sick twisted game with myself and stop being a masochist. I know I should go to therpy because im finally aware of my problems after a long time of denial and subconsicusly  distracting therpists to hide it. So i have a chance of making progress but I feel ambivalent about the whole thing because then I have to face the fact that im guilty of denying myself happiness.

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4 hours ago, LaurynJcat said:

She probably just feels hurt.  People don't want to feel like others are "giving" to them just by spending time with them - that's supposed to be a mutual pleasure.  I would just reiterate that you were broke and it wasn't a slight to her.  It's no reason to stop interacting with her.  BTW in the future if you're broke there are gifts that don't cost a cent.  Pick her some wildflowers or burn her a CD of music you think she might like. 

And take it from someone who never had a grandmother: You'll miss her when she's gone.  Appreciate her while she's here.

Trust me, there is more to this story. This would just be the drop that made the cup full or whatever. There is plenty of reason to stop interacting with people who just want you around for selfish reasons. She's not hurt, she's offended. There's a difference. She wants me to see her as this hero figure who saved me from abuse, and she's far from it. I saved myself, she just added another layer of drama and conflict I had to survive through, trying to use me as a weapon against my mother for her own feuds.

I'm just tired of family in general, I feel I've done enough to try and get along with them all and now it's time to stop because it's not working out for anybody.

Edited by SenorDomino

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39 minutes ago, SenorDomino said:

Trust me, there is more to this story. This would just be the drop that made the cup full or whatever. There is plenty of reason to stop interacting with people who just want you around for selfish reasons. She's not hurt, she's offended. There's a difference. She wants me to see her as this hero figure who saved me from abuse, and she's far from it. I saved myself, she just added another layer of drama and conflict I had to survive through, trying to use me as a weapon against my mother for her own feuds.

I'm just tired of family in general, I feel I've done enough to try and get along with them all and now it's time to stop because it's not working out for anybody.

There is one thing I've already missed for years, and that's having the illusion of that one person I could actually trust and talk to anything about. And I'm sure she misses the naive child who would worship her and stupidly not question her motives at all. But neither of those exist anymore. There is nothing to appreciate now.

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1 hour ago, SenorDomino said:

Trust me, there is more to this story. This would just be the drop that made the cup full or whatever. There is plenty of reason to stop interacting with people who just want you around for selfish reasons. She's not hurt, she's offended. There's a difference. She wants me to see her as this hero figure who saved me from abuse, and she's far from it. I saved myself, she just added another layer of drama and conflict I had to survive through, trying to use me as a weapon against my mother for her own feuds.

I'm just tired of family in general, I feel I've done enough to try and get along with them all and now it's time to stop because it's not working out for anybody.

I can relate so well to this. Yes, biological family is not always - I suspect not often - the glorified, sacred thing too many people make it out to be, out of wishful thinking, guilt, or nonsense bordering on superstition and probably caused by past realities that themselves belie the nonsense.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. The fairy tales are just that, and those of us who've seen Oz for the paltry little bugger he really is don't need to keep pretending just because others continue to be in awe. Some of them may be well-intentioned, but that doesn't make them any less wrong. This is a sacred cow, nothing more. Love makes family worth a damn, and it's lacking far more often than most people will admit, in my experience.

You know that phrase "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade"? Well, I say when society presents you a sacred cow for idol worship, make yourself a good burger and be on your merry way.

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Feeling a little better. But I'm thirsty and a little hungry, and I've been avoiding the landlords. I've been on craigslist all day, and I haven't been able to find the ad he said he'd put back up. I don't know what to think, and I don't feel in any state to deal with it.

Ugh. These people are ridiculous. I need to talk to the human services people and see what I can do to just get out of here. Though I need my deposit back, I can't live like this. And I need to get water and some food so I can go to bed - *&*% it. I can't hide like this - it's stressful, but I'll go. It's my PTSD blowing it out of proportion. I know this isn't the past, and I know they're no physical danger to me.

Prayers and blessings to all of you suffering tonight.

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3 hours ago, Skylark1 said:

I can relate so well to this. Yes, biological family is not always - I suspect not often - the glorified, sacred thing too many people make it out to be, out of wishful thinking, guilt, or nonsense bordering on superstition and probably caused by past realities that themselves belie the nonsense.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. The fairy tales are just that, and those of us who've seen Oz for the paltry little bugger he really is don't need to keep pretending just because others continue to be in awe. Some of them may be well-intentioned, but that doesn't make them any less wrong. This is a sacred cow, nothing more. Love makes family worth a damn, and it's lacking far more often than most people will admit, in my experience.

You know that phrase "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade"? Well, I say when society presents you a sacred cow for idol worship, make yourself a good burger and be on your merry way.

LOL Sky.  You got a way with words!!!!  I think I'll have a burger for dinner tonight in your honour!!!

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Nervous, anxious , and annoyed !! Finally after a year a half I find a drug that helps me with my anxiety, (I still take klonopin as needed) but I am so tired , and sleepy all the time. I don't know if it's a side effect of the drug, or apathy which could be a sign of a drug as well. I called my doctor to see if I can see him earlier than our next appointment because it's getting too much for me. I am having a hard time concentrating, getting out of bed, and doing things around the house. I really hope a stimulant or something like provigil can help this because otherwise I am back at trying various drugs for my anxiety, and I don't have many options left but MAOI's.  Sorry for going on and on , I just feel like crying. My family went to work, I am home alone, with no one to talk to, and I don't have the energy to do much. I am just starring at my dog. At least the sun will be out today so I can try and maybe go for a walk. Thanks for listening ..everyone have a good Monday.

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I don't know how I feel. Conversations with my boyfriend this weekend about work made me very anxious. I am anxious about going back to work in an office after so many years of working from home. I am also anxious about having to travel, if I get this job. And that is a big IF, so I have to just take it one step at a time. I haven't even been offered the job and the next interview is over a week and a half away.

There is also a dark cloud hanging over our relationship. Fri night when I first saw him I felt really uncomfortable and anxious. Then the rest of the weekend was fine and back to normal. I hope the therapy together this week helps. :/ Right now I just do not know.

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I am sitting here crying because I miss my job. I am so tired of staying home. It's so hard for me to be stuck at home because I am a very social person and I need to be around people. My job was in retail it was not the best job in the world but I miss my co-workers, and actually being able to get out of the house. Sitting at home makes me feel so useless and angry, I don't know how much longer I will be able to put up with this. I hate anxiety

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45 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

I am sitting here crying because I miss my job. I am so tired of staying home. It's so hard for me to be stuck at home because I am a very social person and I need to be around people. My job was in retail it was not the best job in the world but I miss my co-workers, and actually being able to get out of the house. Sitting at home makes me feel so useless and angry, I don't know how much longer I will be able to put up with this. I hate anxiety

Perhaps use that nostalgia & desire as a motivation to get back to work? Could you get a part-time retail job for just 5-10 hours/week to get you out of the house?

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