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Is this depression? Please help!


advocare85

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Hey everyone!

So this is all new to me....a little about me, I am 31 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a little of 2.5 years now. He is also 31. We live together in south florida (he moved into my condo over a year ago). He is the most amazing man I've ever met and we fell in love with instantly. He is everything you'd ask for in a man: attractive, attentive, communicative, sensitive, ambitious, thoughtful, family oriented, I could go on and on. We have a great relationship in all aspects. When I met him, he worked in advertising/marketing and jumped from sales job to sales job because the companies he worked for kept going out of business. He then decided to completely change career paths and is now in school to become a firefighter/paramedic! He is already done with EMT and is currently in firefighter school now until June. Immediately after, he will start paramedic school and will most likely be done by the end of summer 2017. EMT school was just a couple months and everything was great. However, since he started firefighter school, he is gone a lot. I work a 9-5 and he is in school MWF 5:30pm-10:30pm and Saturday from 8am-5:30pm. Yes we sleep together every night but lately I have been feeling a disconnect and I don't really know why. It's the weirdest feeling and I can't even explain it. This past Friday night, I came home from work and was sitting on the couch watching tv, had no plans, and just randomly started crying for no reason. Saturday I was okay. I met up with a girlfriend for lunch and shopping and then went to a movie that night with my boyfriend and his parents. Valentine's day comes and I woke up to roses, Alcohol, and he took me to brunch blind folded because it was a place I've always wanted to go to. On the intra-coastal so romantic. But while I was there, all I wanted to do was cry and I had no clue why. We had a great time but I just felt like something was "off" in my head or something. He did nothing wrong and never has. The next day (yesterday), I had the day off from work. I woke up and immediately started crying and did not want to get out of bed. That has never happened to me before. I am very active. I also am a bodybuilding bikini competitor so my diet is always up and down because I do not do well immediately after competitions so I usually gain a lot of weight back in a short amount of time. Over the past couple of months I would have random episodes where I would just cry for maybe 5-10 minutes or so. Almost like I had to let it out, but then I'd be fine. This past weekend's episodes though were different and I don't know why. Just some background on me...I've worked at the same job for 8 years doing insurance. I don't really like it, it's boring and unfulfilling. I had a huge blow out with my sister a couple weeks ago and we are no longer talking. I try to act tough about it but it really hurts me that she isn't in my life. My parents split up about 4-5 years ago. I see my dad about once a month for dinner and we only talk through text. Our relationship is fine but that's how he communicates. He checks up with me every couple weeks but I wouldn't say it's a normal father/daughter relationship. I see and talk to my mom more. When her and my dad split, she started dating a much younger man (like 7 years older than me). Years ago I had a very hard time accepting this but now I genuinely really like him and I am happy that he makes my mom happy. I see him often and all is fine there....so with all this, I'm just confused as to why I'm having these crying episodes with my boyfriend. I just find something strange that Thursday I'm madly in love with him and Friday I'm sitting on the couch crying and I don't even know why. Not sure if it's just because I'm bored or because maybe I feel like he's abandoning me? I have no clue. I didn't have a close relationship to my dad growing up. My parents were together for 25 years, we had a lot of money and then lost everything and they split. He was basically a "provider" and my sister and I were never daddy's girls....so I spoke to my girlfriend last night who is a clinical psychologist and she told me to get my hormones checked before I think of going on antidepressants. I made an appointment and am getting them checked tomorrow. Before I spoke to her though, I spoke to my trainer who said that she thinks I'm suffering from depression and I need to be medicated. She said it's not normal that I am just randomly crying to the point where I don't want to get out of bed and it's okay that I can't explain it, there's a chemical imbalance or something "off" in my brain. I'm not going to lie, I am a little freaked out about being a firefighter wife one day for obvious reasons but I in no way want to leave my boyfriend. We talk about the future all the time and already decided we will get engaged next year when he's done with school and then get married and so on so on. I do look online at houses, rings, wedding venues when I'm bored at work and it makes me extremely stressed out about how we are going to afford those things. I don't look anymore. I don't know if I just over think things or what but I'm scared because I don't want to lose him. He asked me yesterday if I'm falling out of love with him and I immediately said no. I really don't believe that is the issue because I have no reason to be feeling that way. He thinks I just feel lost in life right now. What is wrong with me?!

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Hugs to you!!  I think both of your friends are right:  you might have depression and you need to see your doctor.

But it also might just be anxiety or something else.  I know that I personally was crying an awful lot before I was diagnosed and I have both anxiety and depression.  It was pretty bad.  So I know all about the crying and also about not wanting to get out of bed in the morning.

You are here on the DF website and telling your story.  It takes a lot of courage to seek out help.  There are many intelligent and caring people on here to lend a listening ear.  I'd say that seeing your doctor is the most important thing.

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