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New Here: Surprised By Depression


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This is definitely an illness. I don't think anybody can understand unless they have had it. It's not a low mood or a negative outlook, and it can't be helped with positive thinking or cheering up either, this is an injury to the mind. I think I always had mild depression, but I was surprised by what it's like to have severe clinical depression, and I'd like to know if it's the same for anyone else.

The bad stuff started with a trauma last summer. The same day it happened I started wringing my hands and twisting my skin; pacing from room to room without realizing, unable to organise my thoughts, focus on a task or even, it seemed, work out how to do it. That was surprising too. I would see the dishes on the drainer and think plates in the cupboard, cutlery in the drawer but nothing would happen, like I couldn't decide what to do first so I stalled. It got worse, to the point that I could see the dry clothes in the dryer but didn't know what to do about it. I became very forgetful, couldn't remember what I'd said or who I'd met. I noticed bruises on my arms where I'd been pinching myself and thought, 'that counts as self harm I will stop that', and I did manage to. For the first time in my life I couldn't eat. Kept waking early feeling like I hadn't slept and waking in the night many times. Things would look strange but the same - I can't explain it. There was an urge to sit and stare at nothing for hours and it took willpower to stop myself. Whines whistles and buzzes in my ears constantly.

One of the hardest things to manage is the crying. Anything can set it off. Hearing a child cry then imagining terrible reasons why. Or seeing a happy family or a kind act. Almost any thought. Eventually I got some degree of control when I realized it was often set off by imagining what I'd say to people in various situations, so I try to distract my thoughts onto some other topic if I notice myself doing that. But on a bad day I don't feel safe to go out cos I could start crying at any time.

Absolutely the worst, most dreadful symptom of depression though, the one I can understand people doing absolutely anything to escape, is a feeling I called the crawling dread. It was a feeling like every negative emotion in the world - guilt, horror, panic, dread, despair - had been liquefied and concentrated and was running through my veins polluting every cell of my body. It made my skin ache. I learnt to get rid of that but my heart goes out to anyone who has to endure that feeling.

I needed someone to sit with me and say encouraging things and make light conversation, but nobody came. I turned to my family but my mother and my (grown) children could only criticize and most broke contact with me. Now I'm very isolated, in contact with very few people. There are good patches where I think I'm cured - I feel like my old self and function all day most days for weeks - then for no reason it changes to being disfunctional, crying, disorganised; thinking wild thoughts and making impossible plans; and I can't achieve anything, even make a to-do list.

It's better now than it was in the summer, perhaps it is getting better, but I don't know, good patches always end up in bad patches. I was ok for all of January, the longest period yet, but it's gone now and I'm in a bad way. I've tried to access mental health help, but my GP only offered drugs which I turned down, I'm still waiting for counselling, and my situation is so unusual I doubt anyone could help anyway. I feel very alien.

I need to know someone else understands about this terrible illness; I'd love to know what the prognosis is, and I might be able to help others with symptom management if anyone else gets it like me. Does anyone else get this?

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Hello Pattina .

 

:hug: I won't ask about the trauma you've dealt with because that's personal.. but that's already in the past. Right now, you need to focus on recovery, and doing things right. One bad event should never ruin any good, positive events/ happenings/ experiences you get in the future, and if people criticize you or break contact with you over your emotional current self, that's too bad for them because you seem like a mature, nice individual who can see things as they really are and be a great help to society, and I see you making a lot of people happy in many ways because you can offer level-headed , great advice. Most of all, once you overcome this rough patch and see yourself on greener pastures again, you'll be having good, good times indeed. 

 

Depression is a matter of the mind.. so if you steel yourself , and maybe treat yourself to something you like or convince yourself that you're stronger than this, then you'll be able to beat this. It's all about being positive in the face of negativity, and shoving the negativity some " Begone! " messages because they don't belong in your mind. You deserve to be a positive, strong person and I know that you can be that person. 

 

I think the prognosis is that you are truly getting better, but what's happening is that you're experiencing some negative feelings that come by whenever things improve. Like for example it's like things are going well, but inside there's thoughts like " How long can this go on before I mess this up? " or something of that sort that will end up causing problems. But the key is to take anything that's positive , magnify it and make it grow. Any positive start/ event can become the beginning of a happy journey for you provided you make it work and build on it. :hug:

 

I also think that you're a nice person , so you'll be able to help people out and make a positive change to their lives. And that will enable you socialize and make even more friends, which will definitely help you through this. The right mindset to overcome depression is to be adventurous, and positive and excited about what will come next. Because you can choose to enjoy your experiences and that's what matters most.

 

Better days are ahead, and you can beat this.  :D

Edited by Hairpy Burpday
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I understand every feeling that you shared for I struggled with depression and anxiety for two years. I was then put on medication (which I stopped after a month), and finally I allowed for God to touch my heart and He healed me completely. I think you might find this information helpful -- http://bit.ly/1SJrmpP. And, please remember that there is a solution to every problem. I’ve said a prayer for you.  Take courage and be strong. 

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I can not thank you enough for putting into words how it feels when (I) get really depressed. I always thought I was ALONE feeling/behaving just like you described. Please know you have just saved a life by being honest. I'm very sorry you are in such pain. We are not alone. Mabey there should be a different concept of family. Such as people we chose and who chose to be their for us. Warmest hugs

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Hello Pattina .

 

:hug: I won't ask about the trauma you've dealt with because that's personal.. but that's already in the past. Right now, you need to focus on recovery, and doing things right. One bad event should never ruin any good, positive events/ happenings/ experiences you get in the future, and if people criticize you or break contact with you over your emotional current self, that's too bad for them because you seem like a mature, nice individual who can see things as they really are and be a great help to society, and I see you making a lot of people happy in many ways because you can offer level-headed , great advice. Most of all, once you overcome this rough patch and see yourself on greener pastures again, you'll be having good, good times indeed. 

 

Depression is a matter of the mind.. so if you steel yourself , and maybe treat yourself to something you like or convince yourself that you're stronger than this, then you'll be able to beat this. It's all about being positive in the face of negativity, and shoving the negativity some " Begone! " messages because they don't belong in your mind. You deserve to be a positive, strong person and I know that you can be that person. 

 

I think the prognosis is that you are truly getting better, but what's happening is that you're experiencing some negative feelings that come by whenever things improve. Like for example it's like things are going well, but inside there's thoughts like " How long can this go on before I mess this up? " or something of that sort that will end up causing problems. But the key is to take anything that's positive , magnify it and make it grow. Any positive start/ event can become the beginning of a happy journey for you provided you make it work and build on it. :hug:

 

I also think that you're a nice person , so you'll be able to help people out and make a positive change to their lives. And that will enable you socialize and make even more friends, which will definitely help you through this. The right mindset to overcome depression is to be adventurous, and positive and excited about what will come next. Because you can choose to enjoy your experiences and that's what matters most.

 

Better days are ahead, and you can beat this.  :D

It's good to know you think I'm a nice person, I shall hang on to that, and thanks for your positivity and support. This illness means I can't always tackle problems the way I used to. I used to think of every problem as the next thing to overcome; a barrier or obstacle to my goals that I had to set about removing in the best way possible, but now I can't focus on a problem or apply myself to it. My head simply doesn't work the way it used to. Something's broken in there. The good thing about this forum is kindly happy positive members like you, because that's what makes the healing process work!

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I understand every feeling that you shared for I struggled with depression and anxiety for two years. I was then put on medication (which I stopped after a month), and finally I allowed for God to touch my heart and He healed me completely. I think you might find this information helpful -- http://bit.ly/1SJrmpP. And, please remember that there is a solution to every problem. I’ve said a prayer for you.  Take courage and be strong. 

Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me to speak to someone who has had it. You must be very strong to deal with the Crawling Dread for two years. And thank you for your prayers, they make a tangible difference don't they? When you have depression you can tell when someone has prayed for you. The information is useful to have and it does sound like I have clinical depression - I did wonder with only a 10-minute GP diagnosis to go on - but I'm in the UK where getting assessed is no easy matter and I can't afford long international callls!

Depression is an illness you would expect religion to help - and it does - but along with those methods positive human support is needed. Very often we can't find capable caring supportive people in our immediate circles, which is why these forums are so helpful. This is a test, and tests are there to draw us closer to God. He could easily have supplied me with all I needed to recover, or made me strong enough not to fall ill, but the best rewards come with adversity and sacrifice and I am glad of this new experience and understanding. It kinda feels all worthwhile if you can help others in the same boat doesn't it?

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Pattina,

"Injury to the mind" vs. "Something is broken"

 

Depression is especially tough for an intelligent person like you to accept.  Doctors must use trial and error, knowing that your symptoms show clear Serotonin, Dopamine, and Noreprenephrine deficiency, or possibly GABA or thyroid, or possibly that you're just eating alot of sugar.  The first 3 are impossible to measure directly, thus the medication trial and error.  It would be so much easier if we could run a definitive test, wherein you could say "I'm 85% low on naturally occuring Serotonin, thus I must take this particular SSRI to bring my levels up to normal range".  If that were the case, people would view depression with far less of a stigma, much like diabetes or any other normal bodily deficiency.

 

Please say "Yes im injured, but I'm not unrepairable, and certainly not broken!".  

 

What raises those levels naturally?  Taking chances to connect with people, unexpected reward (taking chances on something that means alot to you, satisfying work), being bold, prayer, exercise, being yourself, stop living someone else's life, make a little move towards freeing yourself each day.   

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I can not thank you enough for putting into words how it feels when (I) get really depressed. I always thought I was ALONE feeling/behaving just like you described. Please know you have just saved a life by being honest. I'm very sorry you are in such pain. We are not alone. Mabey there should be a different concept of family. Such as people we chose and who chose to be their for us. Warmest hugs

I am at once so sorry you have this terrible condition and relieved to know I'm not alone in it. It's so hard to express to people who haven't had it that these feelings and behaviours are not choices we make. If I had my way I'd efficiently get through a sizeable workload in the day, not weep, stare, and wander from room to room. If I could I'd go back to my calm and pragmatic approach to problems, and not be overwhelmed by the task of organising my morning, but my mind has let me down and won't come up with the goods! It feels so good to have the support of other humans, this forum has lifted my spirits; it's true, we're not alone here. I heard it said once 'rarely do members of the same family grow up under the same roof'.

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Pattina,

"Injury to the mind" vs. "Something is broken"

 

Depression is especially tough for an intelligent person like you to accept.  Doctors must use trial and error, knowing that your symptoms show clear Serotonin, Dopamine, and Noreprenephrine deficiency, or possibly GABA or thyroid, or possibly that you're just eating alot of sugar.  The first 3 are impossible to measure directly, thus the medication trial and error.  It would be so much easier if we could run a definitive test, wherein you could say "I'm 85% low on naturally occuring Serotonin, thus I must take this particular SSRI to bring my levels up to normal range".  If that were the case, people would view depression with far less of a stigma, much like diabetes or any other normal bodily deficiency.

 

Please say "Yes im injured, but I'm not unrepairable, and certainly not broken!".  

 

What raises those levels naturally?  Taking chances to connect with people, unexpected reward (taking chances on something that means alot to you, satisfying work), being bold, prayer, exercise, being yourself, stop living someone else's life, make a little move towards freeing yourself each day.   

All my doctor said when he offered a precription was it was something to 'lift my mood'. I didn't think my mood needed lifting and I had loads of problems unconnected to my mood, and was afraid of becoming reliant on pills: even if they aren't addictive there are other types of dependence; and pills that affect your brain could do irreversible damage to it. Does a chemical deficiency contribute to falling prone to this illness? My thyroid's fine, and though I do regularly consume sugar, I wouldn't call it a lot. Don't know what Gaba is.

 

Sadly, many people think that depression is what weak-minded people seek sympathy for when unable to respond sensibly to life's difficulties. I used to think depression was feeling maudlin about sad events in life. Now I don't think it's about problems at all. All my problems could be fixed and I'd still be depressed.

 

I think of it as an injury. With illness, part of the body doesn't function properly. Just as lifting a wardrobe will bust your back, to much weight for the mind breaks its ability to cope. Even if you put down the wardrobe, easy tasks like walking, sitting, getting up will be difficult, and your back will be damaged for months. If you don't treat it right it may never get better. In the same way even when the trauma passes, the mind's coping mechanism is damaged. Things that used to be easy to bear will become hard to bear. Things that used to be easy to remember and organise will be difficult. Things that used to make you shrug or smile will now leave you in floods of tears. Problems that you used to deal with every day will seem impossible. Perhaps if I don't treat this injury right, or burden myself too early, it won't ever heal?

 

Am I repairable? What I would like to know is how to fix the break, or facilitate the correct healing - do the right exercises and not overstretch myself - so I don't end up with a permanent 'bad back'.

 

For me, joining this forum was taking a chance to connect with people! I'll try your other suggestions out too.

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Thanks for thinking of me that way! :)

 

It's going to be alright. What you have to do is slowly but surely get over it. No one can get over a traumatic event over just a few days. What you should do now is stay away from objects or people that remind you of the negativity of it all, and surround yourself with people who will help you get through this and listen to you.  It's also about your environment and what's inside you. If you think that you can beat this, you can beat this.

 

I think that it's a matter of the mind and your conscience... but believe, and be adventurous. There's no two ways around it because depression is something that can only be overcome by thinking that you can beat it, and taking measures and steps to prove that you can overcome it. A strong positive start is the way to go! 

Edited by Hairpy Burpday
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  • 3 weeks later...
On ‎2‎/‎4‎/‎2016 at 9:25 PM, Pattina said:

Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me to speak to someone who has had it. You must be very strong to deal with the Crawling Dread for two years. And thank you for your prayers, they make a tangible difference don't they? When you have depression you can tell when someone has prayed for you. The information is useful to have and it does sound like I have clinical depression - I did wonder with only a 10-minute GP diagnosis to go on - but I'm in the UK where getting assessed is no easy matter and I can't afford long international callls!

Depression is an illness you would expect religion to help - and it does - but along with those methods positive human support is needed. Very often we can't find capable caring supportive people in our immediate circles, which is why these forums are so helpful. This is a test, and tests are there to draw us closer to God. He could easily have supplied me with all I needed to recover, or made me strong enough not to fall ill, but the best rewards come with adversity and sacrifice and I am glad of this new experience and understanding. It kinda feels all worthwhile if you can help others in the same boat doesn't it?

Hey there! Stopping by to check on how you’re doing. Are you involved with a church? It’s possible you could find a supportive community where you can bless others, as well. :)

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Hello everybody! I am new here and I would like to open a journal on this forum, about recovery from depression. All my experiences, everything that helps, what makes me relapse and how I rise again from it. Where on this forum is the section I can do that, as a separate topic of my own, my own journal (ofcourse, open for communicating with all the other members of this community)?

Thank you!

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