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At The Crossroads...


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Hi everyone - I will try to condense this as much as possible but if you make it through this whole post, thank you in advance.

 

Okay - so back story. My husband and I have been together about 9 years, married for 2. A couple years ago I lost my mother to cancer... but even prior to this our relationship is not what it was once upon a time. After losing my mom, I do not feel like he was there for me the way he should have been. For a long time I blamed myself because I know I was hard to be around after and even during her illness. She was my main concern. I have always felt that if the tables were turned, I would have been more emotionally supportive. Do not get me wrong, he is not a bad man - I love him dearly as a friend, but romantically it's just no longer there. We do not have real conversations, go on dates or even kiss each other anymore. It feels as though we are roommates. 

 

I've always been a worrier and stress about little things, but was never treated for it until this past summer when I was diagnosed with panic disorder, anxiety and major depression. In July, I sat him down and told him I was not happy and that I couldn't do it anymore. He really didn't say anything... cried a little but then never brought it up again and neither did I... because right after this I was in a car accident that triggered horrible panic attacks (which I still have to this day) and that is when I spiraled down fast. My depression was at its worst, with me crying every day and not getting out of bed. Again, he tried to be understanding, but with very little emotional support. He would be in the living room playing xbox, while I sat in our bedroom a few feet away bawling my eyes out. 

 

Now here we are nearly a year later and nothing has changed. We are in the same spot. Neither of us acknowledging our real feelings to each other, just co-existing. I think he is very codependent on me. He does not have any friends that he hangs out with. It's just him and his xbox when he's not working. We do not see a lot of each other either because during the week we work opposite shifts. I know that I cannot stay married to him. It's unfair to both of us at this point. Even if he thinks this is what he wants, it's not healthy for either of us to continue on this way. 

 

I plan on trying to talk to him again next week and my anxiety is so high. It makes me so sad. I really want him to remain a part of my life, but I know how unrealistic that is in these situations. I worry about him and what will happen to him when we do finally divorce. One of my biggest problems is that I don't know how to make my own happiness a priority over his. I think this is partly why it's been like this for so long. I am incapable of hurting someone. 

 

I just want us both to be happy. He deserves better, as do I.

 

Thanks for listening... 

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I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now, anxietygirl7.  Please give serious thought to going back to a doctor and making sure that some of what you are experiencing isn't due to some undetected injury.  Also please give serious thought to either couple's counseling or individual counseling. You have been through some traumatic, life changing experiences in the last several years, and you need guidance to help you work through it in a healthy way. Don't give up on your marriage or your relationship yet. :hugs:

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It sounds like a bad situation anxietygirl and I guess one of the things we really expect in a relationship, is to get that support and understanding when we need it. So sorry to hear your husband didn't help you through these tough times, and you are so right that you both deserve better.

 

"I worry about him and what will happen to him when we do finally divorce."

 

sometimes people need a push to make changes and your divorce may bring this about. Right now it sounds like he is pretty comfortable spending his free time with his xbox but still having someone around, but being on his own may make him realize he does want friendship and company. You can't sacrifice your life for his needs though,  you deserve to be happy as well and find something more fulfilling. No matter how hard you try, if only one person is putting in the effort, things will just not work and it sounds like he has checked out from the relationship

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Thank you for taking the time to read and reply everyone. I really appreciate it.

 

I do go to individual counseling right now and am currently on lexapro. Anytime I've brought up counseling together, he acknowledges it, but then it goes right back to how it is... I'm scared that I don't know how to be happy.. or what will make me happy... 

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Hi anxietygirl,

Your married life mirrors mine, and I was married for 33 years, divorced last May. My husband was supportive in a patriarchal way, but not in the emotional way that I needed during my depressions. Never a let me hold you, everything will be okay, i have your back, I'm here for you. I felt as alone as I did as a child. Plus, he had to be the center of the universe, and completely drained me. I felt myself going down, and my survival mode kicked in. I wanted the happy, confident person I was before we were married, and I before I got lost in our relationship.

Divorce is hell for me. It's not something I ever wanted to happen, but it did. I'm dealing with the fallout now: depression, anxiety, who am I, how do I start over. Perhaps it won't be that way for you, as I'm assuming you're far younger than I. Regardless,if you decide to do this, be prepared for some rough times. Have your support system at the ready.

Take care, and good luck.

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Hi anxietygirl,

Your married life mirrors mine, and I was married for 33 years, divorced last May. My husband was supportive in a patriarchal way, but not in the emotional way that I needed during my depressions. Never a let me hold you, everything will be okay, i have your back, I'm here for you. I felt as alone as I did as a child. Plus, he had to be the center of the universe, and completely drained me. I felt myself going down, and my survival mode kicked in. I wanted the happy, confident person I was before we were married, and I before I got lost in our relationship.

Divorce is hell for me. It's not something I ever wanted to happen, but it did. I'm dealing with the fallout now: depression, anxiety, who am I, how do I start over. Perhaps it won't be that way for you, as I'm assuming you're far younger than I. Regardless,if you decide to do this, be prepared for some rough times. Have your support system at the ready.

Take care, and good luck.

I am so sorry you're going through that and went through those years in that marriage. My husband is like that too.. No emotional support, very patriarchal in his thinking. I have been married for 16 years and I am thinking about divorce but I am afraid it will be even more difficult than bearing with this marriage yet I want to be happy and with someone that I am emotionally connected with.

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