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Postpartum Depression


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I have two wonderful boys. My oldest is 3 and my youngest will be 1 this week. I love them more than anything.  My first pregnancy went perfectly. Although I did gain quite a bit of weight, no depression. My second pregnancy didn't go as smooth. Was sick the whole time and was loosing weight. Luckily no complications. Baby healthy and happy.  About a month after he was born I started feeling off. Just thought it was winter blues with two kids inside all the time and running on a couple hours of sleep.  My husband noticed how sad I was and decided to let me do whatever I wanted with our tax money.  Well, needless to say, I blew it all. And have absolutely nothing to show for it. I really don't even remember what in the world I bought. All I know it was gone within 2 months. He wasn't very happy and that made me feel worse.  

About a month after that while I was doing dishes both my boys were crying and I could not console them. And that's when I realized I needed to see a doctor.  I felt like throwing the plates at the wall and watch them shatter. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I listened to very dark music. I wanted to break one of my own bones just so I could be in the hospital for a few days away from it all. And all I was seeing was RED.  And that was just in one day.  I tried talking to my husband about the way I was feeling but he said its normal for a stay at home mom to feel stressed out at times.  Stressed didn't cover the way I felt. He didn't understand.  So I decided to call the doctor. She diagnosed me with postpartum depression 6 months ago.  I am on Lexapro. It helped tremedously. I was much happier and so were my boys. Unfortuneatley I have side effects from it. And one specific side effect has my husband very unhappy. So me on this medication is not good for my husband and I but I feel better. 

But in the past month and a half we have been struggling with bills. I didn't understand why because we have been just making ends meet.  Then I realized last night, its me. Look at this deal and look at that deal. Shopping is a rush for me. I am by myself and I look at everything.   Even knowing we have to pay our mortgage next week I still bought a couple things online this morning. It wasn't like a car or anything but $20 bucks we didn't have to spend is now in the garbage. What is wrong with me??  And now realizing all this is making my depression worse. Is my depression making me shop? Is my shopping causing more depression? What the heck do I do?  

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I am so sorry that you are struggling with postpartum depression.

 

Although you shouldn't beat yourself up over shopping too much, you need to get it under control before it really gets overwhelming.  Have you talked to your therapist about this?

 

Maybe the depression has made you more susceptible to overspending.  But in the end, we are all responsible for our actions.  The good thing about that is that it is in your power to change it.

 

You can overcome this! 

 

I hope that you continue posting on here.  Welcome to the site!

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Thank you. Its nice to be here where there are no judgements and I can say how I Really feel.  

I know I need to get this under control. I just have to do it on my own. My husband won't understand this. He still doesn't understand depression.   I think I need to talk to my doctor about finding a therapist. Up until now I didn't think I needed one. But I think it is necessary now. 

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Welcome to DF, rainy.  :hugs:   It sounds like your husband is trying to be supportive and understanding. He is right that being a stay at home mom can be very stressful at times. Just think of all the different jobs you do in one day, for no pay!  We all handle stress in different ways, it looks like shopping might be something you need to look out for as a sign that you are possibly feeling stressed and overwhelmed.  I'm glad that you are on meds that are working for you.  Take one step at a time, you'll make it through this and get it figured out.

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