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Recovring From A Hysterectomy, Servere Depression And Childless


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Good morning,

im new to this site, but feel i need to try and reach out to someone who may have experienced or is currently experiencing similar feeling and issues as myself.

My story is quite a long one so please bare with me, as i would like to give you all a clear picture of what ive been through and why im so badly depressed.

i have suffered depression for about 14 years and it back dates to trauma in my teenage years as well as adulthood.

briefly as a teenager, i had an abortion at 14 years old, was raped at 16 years old and unfortunately caught an sti which caused all my later issues of having a condition called PELVIC INFLAMMITORY DESEASE better known as PID, and traumas that im going to tell you. also i was in 2 very physical and violent relationships.

So at 19 i met my now X husband, after a year or so we began trying for a baby,after 18 months of trying to conceive nothing happened, i had always suspected i would have trouble getting pregnant after the sti, abortion and PID infection.

so went to gp they referred us for fertility tests etc, x husband came back clear and mine was unexplained infertility at that time.

so they sent me for a small surgical procedure called a laporoscopy to investigate further, to which they said my fallopian tubes were slightly damaged from the sti and pid possibly, which will make getting pregnant harder for me.

so they put me on fertility drugs to help boost things, again nothing, in that time i had numerous flare ups of the dreaded pid, which every time i got caused more scarring and chronic pain in my uterus, tubes etc.

so after 5 years of tryng to conceive and tests and pid flare ups, we decided enough was enough and to just give up at that time.

well a few months down the line i fell pregnant to our surprise, obviously so happy, went to the doctors to confirm and yes it was right, but i was experiencing pain on my right side, so they said to be on the safe side do an early pregnancy scan, well i never got to that scan as 3 days later i woke up doubled up in pain and bleeding, rushed to hospital by ambulance had the scan for them to say we are so sorry but the pregnancy is eptopic and is growing in your fallopian tube and its quite big, which is dangerous so we need to operate asap this was 8 in the morning by 9am i was double over about to be taken to surgery and it ruptured, so i was quickly taken in to surgery and luckily i was saved but my baby and tube was gone.

absolutely devastated we were.

anyway to cut it short for you a year later guess what i fell pregnant again YAY!!! wrong 3 weeks into finding out i was again rushed into hospital, baby was growing in my left tube, again had emergency surgery and both removed, now we were completely broken hearted.

the doctor said the only way i could get pregnant was through IVF, as i still had my ovaries.

so once i was healed and could slightly cope emotionally about a year or so later we had our first free cycle of IVF, which was hard going i must say.

we did good and got 12 eggs, which then produced 9 very healthy embryos, put 1 back as per there advice, waited 2 weeks did the test, NOT PREGNANT, broken hearted again as it didnt work.

we had 1 last chance as you get 1 free full cycle of ivf and 1 free frozen embryo transfer as we froze our remaining embryos,

so 3 months later here we go again but i said i want 2 embryos put back this time for a better chance, 2 week wait and NOT PREGNANT!!!

it failed again, now i was at an all time low with my depression.

we were not in the position to pay for more treatment and to be honest could not ever see us being in the position for a very long time.

so my dream and desire of becoming a mother was gone.

that's when my depression really took a turn for the worse again, i had in previous years been known to self harm by cutting myself, so this began again and i didn't want to live anymore, this plus everything else just tore mine and my x husbands relationship apart as you could imagine and in 2013 we decided to separate which at the time was my decision, which a few months later serverely regretted giving up on us so soon, he was now past that and in a new relationship.

plus in all this time and for many years i was now suffering chronic pelvic pain, on high doses of medications/painkillers.

my depression was so servere now and i no longer wanted to live, i was cutting myself so very badly, i had moved back to my mums, so she was really going through it now with me, i could not work due to the severity of my chronic pain and depression.

one morning with my arms bandaged up and my mum at work, i had enough, i took 32 of my strong pain killers, i wanted to die.

luckily my mum found me in time or i would not be writing this now.

went to hospital, they wanted to section me for my own safety, but my mum wanted me home on the condition she took control of all my tablets and removed all sharp objects.

this was very hard for her.

well thankfully mum got me through the darkest times, and i am not self harming or wanting to die.

im with a new partner and living together and happy within my relationship to him, and recently got engaged, which is great.

But unfortunately due to my chronic pelvic and womb pain, my only option was a full hysterectomy, which i have now had 4 months ago.

good as i no longer have that chronic pain, but they left my ovaries in and i am no experiencing chronic pain on my left side now, which is getting me down a lot and my depression is getting bad again, also the heartache of losing my womb and ability to ever have my own child now.

so this is me and i'm sorry for the long story but i feel its important to tell the full story of why and how i became so depressed and maybe get a little advice or support of ways to cope now and move on or maybe you have experienced a similar situation?

please feel free to comment, advise or tell me your story. xx :inlove:

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I am sorry you have been through so much.  Just the abuse alone is traumatizing.  My story isn't quite as bad as yours but I was never able to have children either due to uterine fibroids and scarring.  I have also struggled with depression most of my life as well as anxiety.  This said, for me when I reached 30 it became apparent to me that having children probably wasn't such a good idea anyways and I never really got to the place of great regret over not having them.  It was hard in my 20s when after the first fibroid I was told I would likely have trouble carrying a child to full term but truthfully I was likely too much of a nervous wreck to raise a healthy child anyways. So after I hit 30 I just embraced the pros of not having children.  Who you are is not wrapped up in being a mother.  You are more than just a baby maker and though having children I am sure is an enriching experience it isn't the only thing in life that can bring happiness.  You have been through incredible trauma and I think it important now to put some focus on you and your healing.  You are an important worthwhile human being and you haven't been treated that way.  Therapy may help you to work through not just the idea of never having your own child but the trauma of all the abuse, the abortion and miscarriages you have endured.  Those are all intense experiences that can weigh very heavy on a person.  Put yourself first now because it seems to me there is a lot of emotional healing that needs to take place.  But just know there are many women who are infertile for one reason or another.  As a woman it can be hard because we are built for having babies but having one does not define you.  You must try to remember that above all else.  You are important, not whether or not you had a child.  Get yourself healthy first and like the other poster stated, if you really want a child you can think about adopting at some point but right now the focus needs to be on you and your healing.  This is a really good place to talk things out I have found.  Take care and be kind to yourself.  Hugs.    

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Thank you both for your comments that meant a lot to me.

you are right and i do need to get myself emotionally healed and focus on me now.

im sorry you also are unable to have children, but your strength to accept that is very reasuring to me.

thank you and take care. hugs x

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Welcome to DF, I’m new here too. I haven’t experienced similar myself but wanted to take a moment to reach out. You’ve experienced a lot of heartbreak. I know it’s been years and much more has been piled on top of your abortion, but I wanted to share this article I found on finding healing after an abortion [please PM member for link]. Have you considered speaking with a counselor about all you’ve been through and are currently experiencing? Taking care of you and setting yourself up for success in your upcoming marriage is probably a good idea. Praying for you sweetheart.  *hugs* 

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
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Thank you for your reply, it means a lot to me.

I'm currently looking to start some form of therapy or counciling.

I feel I really need this with all the trauma I've been through.

I would like to concentrate on my current relationship and hope to plan a wedding in the future.

Thank you again x

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