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MS83

Very Painful Past Few Weeks/months

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I've really been struggling the past several weeks and months and today was really a breaking point for me. I was out and about today and there were three occurrences that upset me emotionally. First, I saw someone who I had spoke to online a while back and was hoping to meet/date them but that never ended up happening. Second, I saw a client that my most-recent ex-girlfriend used to care for when she worked in a care home. Third, I saw another person whom I had spoke to online and met and hoped that things would work out in regards to a serious relationship but that ended suddenly and painfully. It seriously felt like this day was something set up by forces beyond my control for the sole purpose of someone else's amusement of my pain.

 

Today just added to the frustration I've been enduring the for the past three months are so. I have been so unhappy and in so much pain. This is as bad as I have ever felt in my entire life and that's saying a lot. I feel absolutely worthless, useless and hopeless. I get so frustrated with myself because I'm unable to provide for myself. I am unable to get a job because my anxiety and depression is such a huge hurdle for me. Because of that, I'm in the process of trying to get on SSI which is a constant worry for me.

 

I beat myself up every single day for being the way that I am because I don't have my own home or my own car and it feels like I will never have either. I'm 32 freaking years old and live with my grandmother. I also constantly worry about being alone for the rest of my life. I've been single for over two years and though I have tried to meet people as I mentioned above, nothing has worked out. I cannot even get people to actually meet me in person. It just adds to the cycle of internal grief and worry and wondering what is so wrong with me.

 

I have pretty much given up hope that things will be better for me in any facet of my life. The more I've tried to help myself, the worse I feel. I've been on various medications the past several years and nothing has helped me. I've been to counseling but that hasn't helped me at all. I'm unable to lose weight partly because I have little energy all day. I've seen my doctor about my sleep apnea and have had two sleep studies done but I still have issues getting sleep. I'm having panic attacks on an almost nightly basis because I am so worried about how I will be able to take care of myself when the time comes and my grandmother is no longer around.

 

I am so tired of people telling me that things will get better for me when they're only getting worse. I'm resigned to the fact that this is how things will be for me for the rest of my life, however long it is. Suicide isn't an option for me since I don't have the courage to do it but I'm at the point now where I'm pretty much just waiting my turn for when I die.

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I completely relate to what you are going through in regards to your anxiety and it just plain sucks. I myself suffer from panic attacks at night and it is terrifying. With that being said, I hope everything goes well with the process of getting SSI for yourself, as it seems that when you get that done and over with there will be a big stress off your mind, which means less anxiety. So, hang in there and take solace in the fact that you are not alone in your struggles, as this wonderful online community is there to help you. P.S. if you ever need to talk don't hesitate to send me message. Take care.

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I am so sorry that you are struggling.

 

I know how hard it is to stay positive when improving yourself causes exhaustion & frustration.  Change is hard & difficult, especially when you are dealing with other issues. 

 

I will not tell you that it will get better right away.  It is going to take a while.  How long nobody can tell.  But I hope that you know the fight IS worth it. 

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MS83, 

 

I'm with Jules on this one, the fight is worth it. I know it's hard to keep going when all you see is darkness. Keep your head up and continue fighting. I pray that you will see the light soon in all the depths you find yourself in. God bless. 

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Jules19 & ICanSpellThornwell, let me challenge you -

 

WHY is the fight worth it?  I'm not saying it's not, but can you seem sure it is.  So please explain your belief without platitudes.

 

Please don't call my belief in continuing to fight against depression a platitude.  I truly mean what I say.

 

The "why" question is different for everyone.  I cannot give someone a purpose for living since it is so personal.  I can only try & encourage them to keep fighting to the best of my abilities. 

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Jules19 & ICanSpellThornwell, let me challenge you -

 

WHY is the fight worth it?  I'm not saying it's not, but you seem sure it is.  So please explain your belief without platitudes.

 

Please don't call my belief in continuing to fight against depression a platitude.  I truly mean what I say.

 

The "why" question is different for everyone.  I cannot give someone a purpose for living since it is so personal.  I can only try & encourage them to keep fighting to the best of my abilities. 

 

Please pardon me, Jules.  I didn't mean to offend.  Just wanted to hear your reasons.  It's a question I struggle greatly with, obviously.

Edited by One More Red Nightmare

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Jules19 & ICanSpellThornwell, let me challenge you -

 

WHY is the fight worth it?  I'm not saying it's not, but you seem sure it is.  So please explain your belief without platitudes.

 

Please don't call my belief in continuing to fight against depression a platitude.  I truly mean what I say.

 

The "why" question is different for everyone.  I cannot give someone a purpose for living since it is so personal.  I can only try & encourage them to keep fighting to the best of my abilities. 

 

Please pardon me, Jules.  I didn't mean to offend.  Just wanted to hear your reasons.

 

 

It's alright.  I just wanted to make sure that everyone knows that my advice is genuine.

 

I personally believe that life is full of ups & downs.  I try to look at it like the seasons.  When you are suffering, it's like the winter.  It feels like the cold will never go away.  But logically I know that the sun & warmth have to come back someday.

 

Life is full of ups & downs.  I have to suffer in order to know true happiness.

 

I view life as a journey. 

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MS83

Sorry you are having to go through this. I can relate to some of it, particularly the worry about the future - I am very dependent on my parents and worry about the future. You mentioned that things have been particularly bad the last few weeks or months. Was there something that changed then. It might give you a clue as a starting point of understanding. I don't mean it will make it better, for example I have been very depressed and realised it was something at work that started it off. It didn't mean the depression got better but pointed me to think a bit about work and in the end I resigned.

From what you say you have desire or maybe feel a pressure to have a relationship and things like a car. It is unrealistic to say "don't desire these". The only thing I can suggest is an exercise of counting blessings. Sometimes (I agree only sometimes) if I can see the list of things I do have/hAce achieved there is perspective that not everything is as bad as my depression paints it. A few things I noticed for you ..

You have a supportive grandmother,

you recognise the need to lose weight (a lot of people just deny it)

You have been in relationships and friendships before

You are reaching out online for support or friendship here

There are also tiny basic things- we could all find some of them - being able to see or see or read and write , sunsets, computer games (anything you notice)

Maybe seeing these will help just a little.

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I'm 32 years old and live with my dad and just lonely and it's been hard the past few months too. I also worry about the future and everything. I haven't had luck in love or anything and probably never will anyway. I totally know how you feel. It sucks and hurts like hell. I'm too scared to **** myself too but like you I am sick of people saying it will get better. It hasn't yet. 

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On 1/27/2016 at 4:12 PM, Aquarisun said:

I'm 32 years old and live with my dad and just lonely and it's been hard the past few months too. I also worry about the future and everything. I haven't had luck in love or anything and probably never will anyway. I totally know how you feel. It sucks and hurts like hell. I'm too scared to **** myself too but like you I am sick of people saying it will get better. It hasn't yet. 

Geeze, i wish I lived near you. It would be nice to meet/hangout with someone who understands my situation.

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