Boyfriend's Victim Mentality

[mellabella]

Basically my boyfriend's poor me attitude is annoying me. I have depression and he has bipolar so I understand mental illness but a lot of the time i just want to tell him to harden up! His negativity is draining and I'm sick of having to try and pick him up. How on earth do I confront him about this tactfully? It's hard on me but more importantly it's a pattern that's really not helping him and i feel like i have a responsibility to point it out. Not that I'm perfect but it's so self defeating and annoying to be around! I probably sound really heartless...

[celia_alexandra]

Hm. That's tough :/ I'm not really sure what the right answer is, but I can tell you you're definitely not heartless. It's really hard to be with and around someone who constantly plays the victim. Probably the best thing to do is to tell him you understand what he's going through, but you're concerned that he's only hurting himself, and encourage him to find more constructive ways of thinking and working with his mental health issues. Maybe find a few resources to present him with? Something that's helped me a lot is this site called happify.com. It's basically lumosity, but for mental health. I'd definitely encourage you to check it out.

[Fizzle]

H,,, I think sadly those sorts of patterns are very personality connected. That doesnt mean he cant change it of course but I think if its a tendency it tends to be a little more complex than it sometimes looks. What other child like behaviours does he do and how often is he in adult mode? 

Edited December 25, 2015 by Fizzle

[mellabella]

Thanks for your reply Celia Alexander I will check that out.

 

Fizzle thanks for always encouraging me. :) He can be adult a lot of the time. He's very smart, kind and caring. I actually talked to him about it today which was hard but i'm really glad i did. He took it well and he could tell i was really serious. I asked him to consider counselling and he said he would. I think he owes it to both of us to try and be as well as he can.

 

I'm feeling really sad about it and scared too. I don't want to lose the good we have/had. 

[Fizzle]

wow. \Wel done.,That was brave and the right thing to do, I have to say I think if he has bipolar and he isnt getting help then that doesnt sound like a good option to me so its great he is willing to try. for his sake too, Good luck. 

[mellabella]

Thankyou! He is on meds and sees a psychiatrist for that but doesn't have counselling which i think is really important. Let's hope it helps...I've also found some stuff on self compassion that I think i'll print and give to him.