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''you're Depression Is Making Me Feel Stressed''


Phill

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A family member says this to me a lot, and it really annoys me. What they are telling me is that I'm wrong to feel the way I do, because it puts a lot of stress on them. And it makes me feel worse because I feel like I'm causing problems in someone else's life. 

 

They turn it around and make it all about them

Edited by Phill
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That's the absolute worse. It's not your fault for being depressed, and they shouldn't be blaming you for their stress. Some people just don't understand mental illness and don't equate it to physical illness and it shouldn't be that way. I'm sorry you're being blamed like this.

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I tried to discuss my depression with my ex-wife, whom I still consider a friend.  She screamed at me that she's not a therapist and can't deal with my "heavy" talk, while telling me she has her own problems to deal with.

 

To be honest I understand her.  Nobody wants to be burdened by other people's problems.  But I had hoped for some sympathy.  When you're depressed and can't talk about it with people that don't want to hear it, it can make the depression worse.  Really sucks.

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Would they say, "Your cancer is making me feel stressed."  It's no different with depression - it's not a choice.

But others think it is a choice. A friend told me the other day that my problem is that I feel sorry for myself and that I should just be happy because of what I have going for me. I guess people think I can just decide not to be tormented by severe depression. Would that it were so.

The people I've tried to talk to about how I feel have not reacted with much sympathy. "Get over it", "toughen up", and "everyone has problems" are the primary attitudes I've gotten. This just makes me feel worse, much worse.

I went to a psychiatrist, but he just charges a lot of money and prescribes pills. I've decided I don't want to be addicted to pills, so I'm not taking any now. I tried them in the past, but I don't believe they will cure me.

I've read a lot of self-help and spiritual books and articles. Their message boils down to "think positively". This probably works for some people, but I just can't sustain a positive attitude. I've tried to change my life for the better, but the result is consistent failure.

I don't want any more happy, trite "good advice". There are few things I hate more than reading happy stories about people who "overcame" their depression and tell us how to do it.

I don't see much hope anymore. I know after a lifetime of dealing with intense sadness, depression, and anxiety that it won't ever go away. It's just who I am. Mental illness runs in my family. (My brother has severe schizphrenia, and his life is hell.)

I can't stand the loneliness of being alone, but I also don't want to be a burden on others and stress them out. My grim heaviness stresses them too much. I really can't maintain any close relationships in my condition. Nobody wants to be around a negative loser. It's a no-win situation.

All I want is for everything to end. I'm afraid to commit the ultimate taboo, though, because it will hurt my family, and I'm afraid of being reincarnated right back into this life as punishment. At the same time the thought of a few more decades of living with my illness is terrifying.

I know some of you understand what I'm talking about. I guess we just have to endure as long as we can. Maybe after death we'll get some relief. (With our luck, though, we'll just transfer into another state of hell.)

What a ray of sunshine I am today. :)

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Unfortunately, and this sounds cruel, but I'm at the other side of this conversation.  I have an elderly mother who is on the verge of being put into Assisted Living; she also deals with depression.  Between her problems, other personal problems I'm experiencing and my depression, there are times when I just don't want to hear about my mother's feelings - I'm trying to deal with my own stuff and she drags me down even further.

 

Out of guilt in not being there for her like I feel I should, I do listen, but she refuses to listen to my advice.  So every once in a while, I just have to lay down the law and TELL her NOT TO CALL me for a day or so I can get a break and have time to myself.  My sanity can't deal with her all the time!  So telling her I need some time is the only way I've found to almost deal with it.  

 

There seems to be a fine line being depressed and dealing with others in the same situation - the problem is finding that line.

 

I also agree with One More Red.  So many times I get told to snap out of it, have faith things will get better, or others have got it worse than me and I should feel lucky.  We can't snap out of it, people with faith suffer from depression too, and I'm at the state where I know others have got it worse than me, but they're not me - I'm the one who has to deal with me, not them!

 

While I don't believe in reincarnation, I too wouldn't mind getting killed in a car accident, be a victim of a mass shooting, or some other way of being the end - I am so tired of living this way!!!  But there's also the effect on my family and someone else having to deal with my affairs afterwards.  I'm not sure if this is good or not, but I haven't reached the point yet where i don't care about others after I'm gone.

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Well thats going to help the situation isnt it?! That someone depressed and tell them that their depression is to blame for them feeling worse and you get .... more depression plus shame and guilt! Grrrrr.... 

 

Would they say, "Your cancer is making me feel stressed."  It's no different with depression - it's not a choice.

Exactly. 

 

Saying that we of course have to  be mindful of other peoples space. That would be the same if it was cancer. 

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With my mother I don't tell her that her depression is dragging me down.  Though I have told her I do need a break from her constant phone calls and requests every once in a while.  While she knows some things I'm suffering from, I have spared her most of it out of making her feel worse.

 

On the other side, I was corresponding with someone from Facebook who is also suffering from depression.  I thought being able to relate to each other would help us both.  After a while though, she felt she needed to concentrate on her own problems without reading mine.  The lack of correspondence was disappointing, but I also didn't want to push her completely away.  Yesterday on that particular page, I posted something to the effect that there are people hurting during the holidays for various reasons and everything isn't all family and great.  Later on, that same girl I was corresponding with replied to the thread, thanking me for posting it.

 

So Fizzle, you are right, we do need to be mindful of other's space and respect it.  Everyone is different; some people get better corresponding with others in similar situations, others not, and there's also some that need it temporarily, but not long term.  Unfortunately feelings aren't like a kid learning to push buttons; sometimes we need to learn to let go.

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Telling someone their depression stresses you out sounds pretty out-there to me. Seems like they're more messed up than you. Is this an older family member? Because that would just be beyond callous. It's ridiculous to make you feel guilty; as your family, I'd think they might feel guilty...sounds like anybody would get a little depressed with family like that.

 

ALone1, you make a good point about there being a fine line when both people are depressed. Taking on too much weight from someone else when you're just barely treading water yourself can sink you.

 

I think I've needed to learn some balancing myself. Sometimes I need correspondence, sometimes I need a break.

 

For me, I don't usually find it very stressful corresponding with people who are "down." However, there are certain particular kinds of issues/abuse/experiences that I really can't handle hearing about - they're just too triggering. Especially if the other person is not physically present: I cannot be alone with those memories, and there have been very few people I've trusted enough to discuss them with them. It really depends on the issue.

 

Although, even with general negativity, I guess there are times when I try to take a break from certain threads, or just generally do things to protect myself. I think that's just basic self-care, but I can understand how there might be some who are better off just being around healthier people. Everybody's needs can be a little different in this regard, and some people just can't handle their own negativity being magnified.

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I hear, "Your depression is emotionally draining at times". It is hard to hear, especially when you are depressed because you are ultra sensitive and already in a dark place. You need support,comfort, a sense of sympathy or empathy and to feel you are a burden at times is hurtful. I have heard this from family and a close friend. These are the people you rely on the most, so to feel that way makes you want to disengage which feeds the loneliness and sadness.

 

It is tough living with this and I think finding a forum like this brings some solace to the situation, and where you can always vent and express yourself with no judgement is a saving grace. So glad I came across this board the other day. I love the community of support here.

 

Charmaine

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Charmaine, welcome!

 

Yes, I think we've all heard things like this from those around us at some point, so I think most of us are in a position to really understand. I hope you find all the solace and saving grace I have in DF! I've met some wonderful people here, and found it to be overall a wonderfully supportive community - and a lifeline sometimes. I hope you find what you need here.

 

Dive on in! :)

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Would they say, "Your cancer is making me feel stressed."  It's no different with depression - it's not a choice.

But others think it is a choice. A friend told me the other day that my problem is that I feel sorry for myself and that I should just be happy because of what I have going for me. I guess people think I can just decide not to be tormented by severe depression. Would that it were so.

The people I've tried to talk to about how I feel have not reacted with much sympathy. "Get over it", "toughen up", and "everyone has problems" are the primary attitudes I've gotten. This just makes me feel worse, much worse.

I went to a psychiatrist, but he just charges a lot of money and prescribes pills. I've decided I don't want to be addicted to pills, so I'm not taking any now. I tried them in the past, but I don't believe they will cure me.

I've read a lot of self-help and spiritual books and articles. Their message boils down to "think positively". This probably works for some people, but I just can't sustain a positive attitude. I've tried to change my life for the better, but the result is consistent failure.

I don't want any more happy, trite "good advice". There are few things I hate more than reading happy stories about people who "overcame" their depression and tell us how to do it.

I don't see much hope anymore. I know after a lifetime of dealing with intense sadness, depression, and anxiety that it won't ever go away. It's just who I am. Mental illness runs in my family. (My brother has severe schizphrenia, and his life is hell.)

I can't stand the loneliness of being alone, but I also don't want to be a burden on others and stress them out. My grim heaviness stresses them too much. I really can't maintain any close relationships in my condition. Nobody wants to be around a negative loser. It's a no-win situation.

All I want is for everything to end. I'm afraid to commit the ultimate taboo, though, because it will hurt my family, and I'm afraid of being reincarnated right back into this life as punishment. At the same time the thought of a few more decades of living with my illness is terrifying.

I know some of you understand what I'm talking about. I guess we just have to endure as long as we can. Maybe after death we'll get some relief. (With our luck, though, we'll just transfer into another state of hell.)

What a ray of sunshine I am today. :)

 

 

 

I can relate very much to what you write.  I feel the same way.  

 

I've struggled a lot with letting people know the way I feel, which rarely works out in the long run.  It just stresses people out, and they can't deal with it.   So I am left with the option of not mentioning depression, and just keeping relationships superficial.  Right now I've pretty well lost nearly all my friends, mostly because I've moved multiple times and I don't keep in touch very well, but also because I burnt so many bridges because I was so often this upset, lost, anguished person, and people just got fed up with it.

 

I don't feel like psychiatrists and medication work anymore.  I'm still on a low-dose anti-depressant, but just like any drug, I honestly believe that one's brain habituates to psychotropic medications, and that they stop working.  They worked great for me the first time I took any, but now, decades later, I don't think so.  

 

There are four books I would recommend that go far beyond just "positive thinking":

 

Russ Harris - The Happiness Trap

 

Alex Korb - The upward Spiral, Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One small change at a time

 

Robert Leahy - The Worry Cure - Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping you  [not about depression per se but still good since for me anxiety/avoidance are tied in with depression]

 

Michael Bennett, MD, Sarah Bennett - "{swear word}   Feelings"- One Shrink's Practical Advice for Managing all life's impossible problems  - Actual name of book, first word of this book, rhymes with buck

 

Alex Korb also writes a blog in Psychology Today, and Michael Bennett and his daughter have a very good website.

Edited by ellemint
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It is so hard living with this and finding those that can understand you or don't find you a burden. We can' t just suck it up, this is beyond our control. Do whatever makes you happy. Whether watching a funny movie that makes you laugh or connecting with friends on here, but don't give up. Have hope and embrace the moments that do feel good, and let's continue to support one another here,

 

Charmaine

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I am aware that my parents get very stressed helping me to deal with my depression. I still rely on them a lot but other outlets I found are DF and talking to The Samaritans a helpline in the UK. (I know not everyone finds thus organisation helpful.) I have also had therapy. The therapy is good because I know the therapist is a professional and all of them are trained and have their own outlets to deal with anything they find difficult (like supervision sessions with managers).

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A family member says this to me a lot, and it really annoys me. What they are telling me is that I'm wrong to feel the way I do, because it puts a lot of stress on them. And it makes me feel worse because I feel like I'm causing problems in someone else's life. 

 

They turn it around and make it all about them

 

My parents do the same thing.  New Years this year has been very difficult because 2011 was the last year I was happy.  I have now been in depression for five years and it feels like it will never end.  My family though has told me to just not talk about it to them because they are sick of hearing it.

 

My depression is caused by me having to live my life in a way pleasing to them, especially having moved back to my small hometown back in 2012.

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A family member says this to me a lot, and it really annoys me. What they are telling me is that I'm wrong to feel the way I do, because it puts a lot of stress on them. And it makes me feel worse because I feel like I'm causing problems in someone else's life. 

 

They turn it around and make it all about them

 

My parents do the same thing.  New Years this year has been very difficult because 2011 was the last year I was happy.  I have now been in depression for five years and it feels like it will never end.  My family though has told me to just not talk about it to them because they are sick of hearing it.

 

My depression is caused by me having to live my life in a way pleasing to them, especially having moved back to my small hometown back in 2012.

 

Wow, I'm so sorry. The causes were similar for me, though worse. If I could do it over, I'd go as far away as humanly possible and never, ever take another step closer. I hope I'm on the path that will allow me to do that now.

 

I hope you can get out of there pronto, Chris. It made all the difference in the world for me. My problems didn't all disappear, but I was no longer in a black hole. Now, 5 years later, I'm one semester away from my BA and then flying off to grad school in another (FAR away) state, or maybe even abroad.

 

Best wishes to you...

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