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I Can't Stand That Nothings Changing!


Skating

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I'm new here. I really have no one to tell this to. I'm a quiet person, so if I do speak out its usually met with silence. It leaves me feeling alone and invisible. I have always felt like this and my current life situation - lets just say, I don't want to be here. I'm super depressed, maybe bipolar II. My happy times are only moderately happy. When I get sad and angry I usually reach a point where I can't stop thinking about ending my life and the only way to not go over the edge is fall asleep. I am in an unhappy marriage. I married someone I don't like that much (probably because I assume I can't do any better). I have two young girls and I HATE being a stay at home mom. My 4 yr old is autistic. We argue every day, and as horrible as it is, I find myself telling her that if she keeps being bad, and selfish, I'm going to leave and not take care of her anymore. Even though i know theory of mind is over her head. I want to run! I'm crazy, why in the hell do I have two kids?! I want out. I daydream about my daughters preschool teacher, he's good looking, and strong, and soft-spoken (totally different then my husband). Even if I was single, I'm sure I wouldn't be good enough for him anyway. I am nothing. I have always been nothing. In Darwin's day, survival of the fittest - , I'd be gone by now. I wasn't made to survive. I have nothing to show for myself. No friends really. And no one wants to talk about autism, or depression, or hear me vent anyway. Please tell me someone else out there feels this way too. I'd like to be not alone in something.

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Hi Skating,

 

     I am so sorry for what you are going through.  And, yes, I have gone through something similar [though not identical].  What I mean is I know what it is like to be in a living nightmare without hope of escape although I'm sure your living nightmare is different than mine.  

 

     I am unable to look down on you, only up to you.  It takes unbelievable courage, strength, wisdom and moral goodness to struggle against depression.  But to struggle against it in the face of even one or two misfortunes makes a person a hero in my book.  That you are coping with so many misfortunes along with depression makes you more than a hero in my eyes.  The word 'hero' cannot even do justice to what you are!  But I don't know a better word.  I think you are doing the absolute best you can given the incredible forces acting upon you from inside and outside.

 

     I would like to write more but tendinitis in both hands is preventing it right now.  You are certainly a person of great dignity and nobility and I hope and pray that things improve for you.  It is good that you exist and are in this universe.  I would not want you to be absent from it!!!  Please call a crisis hotline if things get unbearable for you.  You deserve respect and any help anyone could give you.  Please forgive the brevity and powerlessness of my words!  You deserve better!

 

Respectfully,  Epictetus 

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Oh my goodness, Skating, what a complex life you have.  It is hard enough being a parent, let alone the parent of a child with autism.  That is really exhausting.  Are you in a location where there is some support/respite for parents?  If there is, please consider taking some time out.  You need it and your kids need it.  It's not bad to take time out - otherwise you will burn out.

 

Would you consider getting some help specifically for yourself?  You really are worth it, you know.  If you have an undiagnosed illness like depression or bipolar disorder, it will be better to find out exactly what's going on so that you can get the help you need to start to feel better.

 

You sound completely overwhelmed to me and it is perfectly understandable.  There is just so much going on in your life and so little of it is about shoring up yourself.  Please consider going to see your primary care physician so that you can get started on finding out what's wrong. 

 

I am glad you found us here.  You are right, most ppl do not want to talk about hard things in life like autism and depression.  Here, at least, most everyone has some first hand experience of dealing with a mood disorder.  I hope you will come back and give it a try here.

 

Please take good care of yourself.

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Now I really do feel like a good for nothing piece of ######. I do think I wasn't made to stay here. I will leave. And my husband can find someone better suited to take care of her.

 

 

No, Skating. That's not an option. Unless that's really what you want to do. Is it?

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