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Worrying Too Much About Arguing With Partner


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We do have problems and wife is particularly bad at the time of the month. She can be VERY unreasonable at times. Not helped by the fact that shes got a chronic illness (fibromyalfia) and a 2 yr old to look after. In a way I can understand why she so stressed at times.

 

BUT I find it difficult to cope when at times the best solution is to just ignore and placate the situation. I can't - it just worries me more and more. Sort of if she isnt happy Im not which I'm sure is not right.

 

Friend has arguments with his partner. She goes days without talking to him. Hes not bothered in the slightest and just goes down the pub! Whereas I just worry and make myself ill. Just doesnt seem right.

 

Surely us blokes should, to a certain extent, be able to ignore our wives and wait for them to cool down. I can't it just plays on my mind - the slightest little argument is blown up out of all proportion.

 

Any suggestions?

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Hi psychocandy, 

;-) therapy! 

 

I know this has been worrying you for a while, Sadly nothing is going to magically change. Normally it needs constructive work. It might be worthwhile starting by thinking of the content of your "worry". Have you written down your internal dialogue? Maybe you could do so here, 

 

Oh and I dont think it is a bloke thing. I think its an everyone thing. 

Edited by Fizzle
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I've always found myself falling into that trap. I escalate things because of how much arguments affect my own emotions. As you can probably tell, I'm no expert but it's helped recently to try and just stop and distance myself the moment disagreements occur and then try to discuss it more constructively when she and I feel better but this a little cliche and sometimes hit and miss. I agree with Fizzle; there's no magic fix but it can certainly get better. I hope this helps just a little

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Hi psychocandy, 

;-) therapy! 

 

I know this has been worrying you for a while, Sadly nothing is going to magically change. Normally it needs constructive work. It might be worthwhile starting by thinking of the content of your "worry". Have you written down your internal dialogue? Maybe you could do so here, 

 

Oh and I dont think it is a bloke thing. I think its an everyone thing. 

 

Hi Fizzle - thanks for your thoughts. Yeh I know somethings not right.

 

Therapy - difficult to get. Here in the UK. Massive waiting list - although it is free.

 

Internal dialogue - you mean exactly what is going through my mind?

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Hi! 

 

Yes thats what I meant. I think its usually helpful to see the nature of what our fears or concerns are and then its easier to think up a way to assuage them. I think you said youve done cbt before. You could use those skills to pries apart what is happening for you and then take it from there. Or you could do it onsite and get others to help you here, 

 

 

Im also in the Uk and know its not easy. You could however either go for a referral for basic talk therapy through your dr, or a go through a charity. If you wanted to try psychodynamic t Irelationhip with the t and patterns in life) then there is a good charity called wpf which works on a sliding scale, You have an initial assessment and discuss what you can afford. I think their lowest rate is around £18.

 

Relate would also be somewhere to consider. Totally opposite approach. Might get some practical guidance and your wife may be happy to do some with you. 

 

Having a 2 year old and an ill wife would also be a strain on anyone. 

Edited by Fizzle
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psychocandy,

I'm not sure the bloke that ignores his wife is on the right track, hon.

 

You care about your wife and what she is going through. When she is stressed, that bothers you and stresses you out.  I think to a certain extent, that's normal. If she is moody (like I can be) I also think it's understandable for you to feel anxious about her moods, to a certain extent. 

 

Give yourself time to cool down, time to think.  When and if you do talk about it, use 'When...I' statements instead of assigning blame...  'When you do xyz, I feel ____...', instead of 'You always _____!' 

 

((hugs))

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
bad spacing
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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi! 

 

Yes thats what I meant. I think its usually helpful to see the nature of what our fears or concerns are and then its easier to think up a way to assuage them. I think you said youve done cbt before. You could use those skills to pries apart what is happening for you and then take it from there. Or you could do it onsite and get others to help you here, 

 

 

Im also in the Uk and know its not easy. You could however either go for a referral for basic talk therapy through your dr, or a go through a charity. If you wanted to try psychodynamic t Irelationhip with the t and patterns in life) then there is a good charity called wpf which works on a sliding scale, You have an initial assessment and discuss what you can afford. I think their lowest rate is around £18.

 

Relate would also be somewhere to consider. Totally opposite approach. Might get some practical guidance and your wife may be happy to do some with you. 

 

Having a 2 year old and an ill wife would also be a strain on anyone. 

 

Thanks Fizzle. Yep tried CBT. Not sure about it to be honest.... :-(

 

Looked at wpf. Sounds good. Think its only based in London though.

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psychocandy,

I'm not sure the bloke that ignores his wife is on the right track, hon.

 

You care about your wife and what she is going through. When she is stressed, that bothers you and stresses you out.  I think to a certain extent, that's normal. If she is moody (like I can be) I also think it's understandable for you to feel anxious about her moods, to a certain extent. 

 

Give yourself time to cool down, time to think.  When and if you do talk about it, use 'When...I' statements instead of assigning blame...  'When you do xyz, I feel ____...', instead of 'You always _____!' 

 

((hugs))

 

Thanks 20. Know what you mean but I do get TOO uptight about it.

 

Yes, I know its normal to be stressed if shes stressed but I also think that sometimes I fail to give her space. If shes in pain/in a mood then I KNOW that I should take this into consideration and let it go a bit more. But I can't. I should be able to give her space a bit more.

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I agree with fizzle that there is an internal dialogue going on that makes you feel this way. All couples have arguments, but perhaps your internal/subconscious dialogue is saying "she doesn't love me", "our relationship is falling apart", "she doesn't respect me and thinks I'm worthless" etc (not saying that's it, just some possible suggestions).

 

"We do have problems and wife is particularly bad at the time of the month."

 

You can't take pms personally. A woman has about as much control over how her pms makes her act, as say a man has over his libido. Hormones can have a big impact on us. You see her behaviour only from the outside, but it's a lot worse living in that pms-ing body every month. From the woman's perspective, it can feel like you have no control over your feelings or emotions, e.g. a woman may feel really angry, but have no idea what's she even angry about, she is just "p***** off as hell". It's not a choice, it's our hormones messing with us. When my pms was really bad, I used to feel like I was literally going insane, I would totally melt down emotionally for a few days and it was like someone else was in control as if my hormones had taken over my personality and turned me into a total nutjob. It is just something that nature does to many women, and it is no fun for us either. lol. I'm just saying when your wife is being crazy, nasty whatever at that time of the month, you have to just accept she isn't doing or saying any of these things on purpose and it hasn't got a lot to do with you at all so never take it personally because it isn't about you and it isn't about her either, it's about nothing more than hormones going crazy.

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Hi pshocandy! 

 

No its not only in London. :) There are other charities around too and some Boroughs provide similar facilities. 

 

I think there are two things to consider with this stuff. Sometimes the other person is being unreasonable. The other side of it is what we do and think and how we react. I remember you giving the one situation that happened for you when your wife was  not feeling well so wasnt smiling and chatting and that that set off a set of reactions for you that had you feeling insecure and  fed up with her. I imagine if she is a little bit actively grumpy then those reactions are going to escalate a lot. 

 

If our wellbeing is hugely reliant on the good positive mood of those around us then it is a sign we are too porous and arent able to maintain emotional boundaries and separate what we feel and what someone else feels. Its like a symbiosis rather than a relationship between two individuals. As long as the other person is not being aggressive to us directly then they need to have space to be upset, angry, tired, hormonal etc. And that you have fun times too of course. 

 

Knowing that doesnt mean its all going to go away immediately for you of course but I think the first step is to be able to own your emotions or reactions when the two of you are in these difficulties. And she needs to own hers. In other words lets say she is quiet and tired and you start feeling as if she is angry with you or against you etc then discussing in terms of what you are feeling rather than what she is making you feel  would be helpful for you. 

Edited by Fizzle
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I agree with fizzle that there is an internal dialogue going on that makes you feel this way. All couples have arguments, but perhaps your internal/subconscious dialogue is saying "she doesn't love me", "our relationship is falling apart", "she doesn't respect me and thinks I'm worthless" etc (not saying that's it, just some possible suggestions).

 

"We do have problems and wife is particularly bad at the time of the month."

 

You can't take pms personally. A woman has about as much control over how her pms makes her act, as say a man has over his libido. Hormones can have a big impact on us. You see her behaviour only from the outside, but it's a lot worse living in that pms-ing body every month. From the woman's perspective, it can feel like you have no control over your feelings or emotions, e.g. a woman may feel really angry, but have no idea what's she even angry about, she is just "p***** off as hell". It's not a choice, it's our hormones messing with us. When my pms was really bad, I used to feel like I was literally going insane, I would totally melt down emotionally for a few days and it was like someone else was in control as if my hormones had taken over my personality and turned me into a total nutjob. It is just something that nature does to many women, and it is no fun for us either. lol. I'm just saying when your wife is being crazy, nasty whatever at that time of the month, you have to just accept she isn't doing or saying any of these things on purpose and it hasn't got a lot to do with you at all so never take it personally because it isn't about you and it isn't about her either, it's about nothing more than hormones going crazy.

 

Thanks Bluegal. Great explanation!

Its tough for us guys because we just dont get it. :-)

 

I know I need to let things slide a bit more than I do...

Edited by psychocandy
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Hi pshocandy! 

 

No its not only in London. :) There are other charities around too and some Boroughs provide similar facilities. 

 

I think there are two things to consider with this stuff. Sometimes the other person is being unreasonable. The other side of it is what we do and think and how we react. I remember you giving the one situation that happened for you when your wife was  not feeling well so wasnt smiling and chatting and that that set off a set of reactions for you that had you feeling insecure and  fed up with her. I imagine if she is a little bit actively grumpy then those reactions are going to escalate a lot. 

 

If our wellbeing is hugely reliant on the good positive mood of those around us then it is a sign we are too porous and arent able to maintain emotional boundaries and separate what we feel and what someone else feels. Its like a symbiosis rather than a relationship between two individuals. As long as the other person is not being aggressive to us directly then they need to have space to be upset, angry, tired, hormonal etc. And that you have fun times too of course. 

 

Knowing that doesnt mean its all going to go away immediately for you of course but I think the first step is to be able to own your emotions or reactions when the two of you are in these difficulties. And she needs to own hers. In other words lets say she is quiet and tired and you start feeling as if she is angry with you or against you etc then discussing in terms of what you are feeling rather than what she is making you feel  would be helpful for you. 

 

Ok. I will certainly look into that if its not just London.

 

Do you know what? What you said seems spot on.... Its as if I cant distance myself if you know what I mean. Really strange. Like you said, the other person needs space and its not my job to "make" them happy. But thanks you're a great help.

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