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I've Just Sat Here.. For Days

Used To Be Me

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if anyone can relate.


I basically have been doing well for a year. on anti-psychotics. sondate xl 400mg. 


My life has had many traumas, and during them i felt i lost control at times and had what i would call emotional dbreakdowns, I would shout, and bull smash my way through in any way my brain saw fit to cope. It got me through times i couldn't. As times were so bad with viruses or death all that emotion seemed justified. but the depression could be months. and i'd talk on only what got me there in circles. for months. to anyone.


After an abusive relationship, and depression for that and my wrist i shattered on a horse in the relationship i was brought to the mental health team, and over time i got happier in a volunteer community, and they loved me, and i got louder, felt i was the reason they came now, and they would cher when i came through the door and ask for my interesting stories or views. Suddenly they kicked me out, made out i made the crazies crazy, had problems, and i saw none  of it. in life when i climbed back i thought when i was laughing i was alright. but this undid everything, and i attacked back, got over paranoid. but i was so sure in everything i said i actually won against them and got to return, then went to my group therapy and was over the top suggesting people how to cure their problems, and i KNEW how. I was wrong. about the humour and my gift to know how to fix people. 


I was brought in for mania, convinced to take the meds. and for a year i watched my energy levels, i had spent most of the time to avoid hitting depression when things felt hard. and for a year i did well. and that mania word wasn't even on my radar. I had a 4th operation on my wrist and spent 3 months in a room, all the friends i had kinda changed paths and very few people contacted me, i was low but trying to push it away and say when i can drive, it'll be better.  


My brother gets very lost but drinks and for years i have tried to get him help, but the drink always means he is just sent back undiagnosed, and he never shows what we see to the authorities. manipulation or real. my parent can't cope, and i can caqlm him so when my brother acts up i am relied upon. HE was taken by police to a psyche ward, and my family fell apart hearing it, so i went, and then my sister fell apart over some course noone signed to she flew to england to run. then my mum made out she was a terrible parent. I got everyone okay and made sure i coped


Then i went out and met a girl. she was awesome. and when i meet someone who thinks like me, i get over stimulated. i want to consume their brain, learn, understand, its amazing how quickly i fell into a manic episode


obsession, every second hours but feeling every atom was alive. I knew i had to be cool, and play slow,but that semed to tear me in two more, like I needed to ssee and talk to her more. then she pulled back and it turns out she has many issues and doesnt like kissng or hugging, n blows hot n cold. and one part of me is saying she needs time and space. but another part of me couldn't comprehend what was going on and was terrified of loosing. there were red flags, and this was lost before it started. She had said she was gonna tak ea break, and i need them myself at times, but when she did.  (i had a girlfriend be ccruel for months while i was in a cast, and just after getting a place together  emasculated me, made me feel useless and compete for other menm, then leave me, and i was very vulnerable) something went there, and i believed this girl hated me, and her friend who i kkknew loved me and wanted to ruin it.


To say the least i went delusional, never violent, i can;'t be, but i got very furius after a couple of weeks of destroying my brain with what went wrong, when nothing had, except all my paranoia. but before i crashed, my end was to get very furious to my friend, i said things... so out of my nature. then i hurtled back to earth, and realised i was delusional, 


Since then the depressive crash has followed, i spent a week in bed wanting to die in my head, and my emotions in torture, while i didnt clean or move. just smoked and regretted and got more confused


I am in therapy, and she says i have to stop going for broken women as i am attracted to that, need friends who can be there for me and i'm not playing psychiatrist to, and to remove my humour, and... just u-turn me


Since then i can't believe i believed stuff so unreal. its the first time i got to se how for weeks i could believe in myself compoletely, and go so weird. I feel Like a bomb, and that i have evil, and know how self destructive it can be, and has lost me friends. i was sitting, in the delusion phase, on facebook and chat rooms and anytime anyone came on i'd blurt messages at them.


And now here i sit. i have read for a week forums on manic episodes, and the crash. God knows what i'm hoping to find. I'm having the depression effects of my nerves shocked to sh**, terrifed when away from bed. in town thinking everyone is looking at me, they might be, i look terrified. And want to apologise, but the apology sounds so.. unbelievable. some think they saw the real me rather than thinking i was not myself


but films are triggers as this girl loved movies and we planned tons to watch, I find friends fruitless to be around. i'm not completely depressed now, just ashamed. and i can't find the energy or will to get up and rebuild my life when i will probably railroad it down the line. and when i was in the mania i could ocasionally see how wrong all this was but couldnt stop it, or address i needed help. sadly my therapist was away for 3 weeks while it happened.


i am just lost, confused, and scared


and i have just sat on forums and chatrooms.


if you read all that. thank you so so much


- Chris x

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Did you ever think about becoming a mental health professional?  I think you have all of the right background to help alot of people.  How many millions worldwide turn to doctors and LCSW's who cannot possibly understand them.  People like you are rare, and could bridge that gap.

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All last year that was my goal. but i am an incredibly fragmented individual, and the options were go back to uni and try to remember how to write essays, or train to be a support worker. Then i got kicked from places.  In time These are still some things i hope to do.


My next step is going to an intense deep cognitive group therapy 3 days a week if i get through the interview :) and thats what i need to be doing. I can barely juggle friends and therapy without completely falling apart. Any type of rejection seems to set off my ptsd or manic episodes. And for now i must endure the depressive side.  And try to undo what life has done to me. 


But that lifted a great smile to read, i like to think i have helped many and get this cycle well of up, and the many phases of being down. I am often told i am a... erm... special snowflake :P


We all are :) 


Hopefully one day i can persue that, if i can learn to cope again. Too many falls consistently, i'm sure if things could go chris ways for a while, i might start to form a belief system that things can work out :)


Trying hard to push all this down and tell myself i am fine, and have a lot of work to help myself. and have no idea how to make the first step. let this panic pass, then gym, and making a routine. baby steps. i went out today to get a few things odne, i got 2 done, and had to return to bed. but i'm remebering to be proud i got that done. soon i'll be talking and walking rather than skulking and fearing


- chris 

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Hello Chris,  It sounds to me that your family may have some history with mental health issues.  It is great you are able to be there for them but you also need to put your own healing first.  You can't truly be of help to others unless you yourself are stable.  this may include being in relationships if you find you keep attracting codependent ones.  I do hope you are accepting into the cbt therapy group.  You sound like you really aren't a bad person you just lose control of your emotions and thoughts sometimes and cbt may be able to help you with that.  I wish you the best as you work towards a healing.  You are not alone. 

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